Inner turmoil is the expression that I'd give to myself. Constantly changing within, while maintaining the surface as slightly blue.
Like many others, I might be giving off negative vibes. But from the outsiders perspective, we can never see the intensity of the problem and how much it actually effects us as human beings.
I've always got the impression with the immediate people that I know, that emotionally I suffered alot more than others.
Yet at the same time I'm 100% aware that there will be people in this world that suffer much more than me. It's not a competition, yet I've somehow clinged to this identity of pain.
It gives me a sense of individuality, something that marks me out of as different. If I didn't have this emotional pain then I'd be somebody normal and quiet, without much thinking.
I've surpressed my feelings a large amount believing that it was the right thing to do, moderate my beliefs and get rid of irrational beliefs. Practicing understanding and compassion and truthfully I still think this is true...
The only thing is that I could let myself feel my emotions alot more, to let them in my mind rather than telling myself what I should do. Forcing the emotion to go another way.
Another thing that I might have to change is that I'm unwilling to trust other people, and the belief that they will get tired of me talking about of my problems and want to be less around me.
Part of me desires to be liked, not disliked. I don't want to be seen as the negative emotional person that leeches off other people, nor do I want to burden people.
Having said that I'm willing to let other people share their problems with me? Why is this? This is probably a step in my goal. For us to become closer, for them to trust and like me.
If I'm letting other people share their problems, and I don't seem to have a problem with it. How come I can't seem to do the same, why do I believe in the pessimistic side of the situation?
Is it the belief that I can't control the environment and I can't be certain of what other people will think. I can only be sure of myself, and hence I can only provide what is there for myself. My own stability?
Perhaps it is a case of trusting their words rather than acknowledging the fact that they are willing to see me as a friend.
I'll have to be honest here. I'm a little hurt and angry inside, there's more saddness in my response. My expectations of the situation was shattered, hoping and dreaming of a reality that didn't really manifest itself however it's possible that there's just a delay. As each day passes though, I see this less and less likely.
What am I angry about? I'm not sure... it's the mixed signals that I seem to get. It's the sense of being played for a fool, it's painful as well because I've known you for so long. It doesn't help that I internalise the feeling and get a little agitated by myself for feeling negatively, I don't want to do that.
You once told me that you felt the pressure of being perfect in front of me because of what I kept saying. It's probably true~ maybe I haven't been acknowledging that you are human and have flaws, but at the same time I never saw them as major flaws but personality behaviours that come naturally and so could be understandable and acceptable.
It's frustrating that I keep running to this road block where I'm uncertain of your intentions? Why is there that conflict?
It's because your behaviour don't reflect your words. From the words I understand we are close friends...
Occasionally I get messages from you, or talk to you. However I can't be certain that it's really you... I'm uncertain whether a wall has been put up between us. The idea that you are just being polite now since we've been a friend for such a long time, but it's time to move on as there's no longer a future with our friendship.
I can only hope that 2009 will be a better year for our friendship to blossom once again as it has been on standby for a long period of time.
There's no point in this blame necessary as I remember that you are working during this period of time.
This is a period of intensive lonliness because even htough I have met many wonderful friends, I lack the ability to connect with others on a scale that we connected over the last few years. Why is this?
It might just be to do with the fact that we connected early in the stage where my own insecurities and fear had not gotten the best of me, and thus I was able to forge that bond that would allow me to feel safe with you. With others I feel the pressure developed over the maany years.
I wonder by the end of the year, if I'll still be in touch with any of my friends. Is university for the social scene or the education? Personally for me... it's a case of meeting new people and experiencing new opportunities, followed by the education system of opening new paths way in the future.
I've noticed that one of my behaviour is to give the correct response, or the most reasonable response. However that might not neccessary be my own answers initially. I come to my conclusion after a long thought out period, and there's the possability that I might feel completely differently.
This produced a world of shoulds. The wise decision to make, the world of the perfect scenarios. What I should be striving for ideally. The thing is that I would like my views to be reasonable, I want to align myself with what I consider truth. Truth is not always based on first impression.
The only problem is when I start censoring my own thoughts, and believing that I'm being unreasonable. When does adapting to other ideas start becoming dangerous to your own identity, opinion and loss of self.
This fear of failure has really gripped me by the horns. Things always seem much worse in my mind than in reality, it's funny how that happens... really.
I've been paralysed by all these problems. I'm the sort of person that can't move forward until a problem has been solved, since it will end up consuming my thoughts. Making me analyse the situation in a circular fashion to solve something that is fixed by action alone.