*ignore the isfp *
I'm not changing my mind but am open to hearing what people think when i put some things down.
* I have been through and seen quite alot of stuff. A family member who when i was around 12 got pregnant and things were fine until a formal druggie they knew came back.
pretty much they started drugs again neglecting there child and leaving the care of said child to our mother so this kid lived with us.
This person would always beg for money by banging on the door even breaking it open one time.
I just remember even at the age of twelve saying to my mother "why do you give them money when you know it's just going to be used on drugs" she kept repeting this it annoyed me alot like "pretty much your enabling this behavior"
* Another thing happened a few years later (16) my father got some cancer and i just remember remaining so hopeful that it was all going to turn around to the point i may of appeared blind.
I actually account this one time this family member came over of my dad's and he knew that this was going on.
All of a sudden he was willing to help him organize some things. I just thought automatically "he's trying to suck up to him isn't he? my father doesn't need such a fake person who's just using him".
When his terminal problems came back and it was pointed out to me it seems there is no weight gain I didn't even notice I was too hopeful.
There is also one thing i have always noticed I just took it one day at a time like i hated dealing with the will *who does* and not knowing how it was going to be without him.
* I know i've had to develop a tougher shell cause this family member that was using him to get stuff when he passed called me out to talk and pretty much proceeded to say how he doesn't know if he can come back here now that the one person is gone that he came to see.
I kept telling myself put your stone face on this jerk doesn't deserve one ounce of emotion from you.
So i stood there and my only replies were "mm hmm" even to something like i hope your not mad at me and understand that i got go. I just showed apathy like i couldn't care less get the H out of hear with my eyes heh.
* I was easily disturbed by his death since i was so young probably. I had anxiety, sleepless nights *sure this is common*. I couldn't walk past the room at night for it would remind me of how he looked and the pain.
I felt I just couldn't face it but I told myself this is one of those things you can't run from so i faced it as hard as it was but i knew i had to reach over this hurdle.
I for awhile just would lay down staring at the floor thoughts of what's life after death like *actually had a huge fear of this when i was 12 which would lead to crying to sleep*.
I do notice whenever i'm feeling sad or i start thinking about what happened with him I can reflect and even get melancholy but i usually try to play more optimistic music on or put a comedy on to cheer me up to remind there is much life in me still and life is still so beautiful actually even more so now.
I notice i have not in the past 4 years I have not myself gone to visit his grave on my own or when i would go with some family members I would feel myself dreading it like why open this wound again it hurt so much and i'm finally coming to terms with this.
* another thing I notice I get easily bothered by hearing other's cancer stories cause it just brings back the pain of him not being hear and seeing him go through that.
I do realize I love to hear stories about the survivors for some reason it comforts me or even stories about people who have been in a coma for three weeks and out of no where came back to life, they showed no signs of brain damage.
I was rethinking this occurance to someone i used to know's brother and I started crying cause i was so afraid that when we die is this it? do we fade into dust?
I just remember thinking I have to hold onto the fact that there is something bigger then myself out there it's the only way i'm not going to be scared of death. I also want to believe that i will see my father again I miss him terribly .
* sometimes i think i have developed a hardened shell against my mother not as in i'm nasty to her just if she mentions how she has this wrong etc.
I feel my heart sink and i just have to distance myself cause i just can't think about it anymore though it does make me upset *alot* it makes me worry about what if she would go.
I surely tell myself i hope in like 10-15 yrs that she does go that I have someone special cause i'm going to need to emotional crutch cause it's gonna open all that pain up again which i finally have it where i felt fairly normal again.
* though i do see a pattern where whenever I see someone taking advantage of her It really peeves me especially if they truly don't need her support and are just looking for a free ride.
One of the many things I always find myself saying alot is " she's the mother, she needs to learn to sleep in her bed that she made.
or "it's HER responsibility, why do you think you should be responsible for her bad choices in life she knows what she's doing and also she is an adult now it's time" but my mother sometimes still enables this.
I figure " it's my mother's choice too then i don't want to hear it if your going to keep enabling this dependent behavior without YOU making the change in your behavior".
pretty much I relate strongly to the Character Kura from Reba sitcom. I an so sick of feeling like even though i'm the youngest that I am the most adult "like". It gets very irritating.
I am an adult but always felt this way.
Also her realistic, no nonsense, call on people's BS excuses/biting sarcasm lol so me heh I may be nice but don't poke the bear i'm not easily lead I have my own thoughts/can recognize when someone is trying to pull one on me.
I'm really sensitive but i don't show it that easy I can appear distant but I can cry at the drop of a hat too. I don't trust people's intentions especially if there trying to manipulate me *been tried to be emotionally* mistrustful of Fe expression in a negative way.
[B]sorry if it's too long I tried to keep it simple but I felt i needed to dig alittle just to get the heart of what needs to be seen.
so with that from here what do you think my type is and what leads you there. Thank you all
I'm not expecting people over the internet to know my soul but I just would love to understand maybe an analysis of any outstanding notice of function use in certain behaviors.[/B]