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  1. #1
    Member RiftsWRX's Avatar
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    Red face ESFJ/2w3 looking to find a home.

    Man.. that sounded like a lost puppy ad in the paper, didn't it?

    Here's the kitchen sink on why I'm here, and what brought me here.

    Over the last 16 months I've really had some very sobering and humbling experiences in my life that have finally woken me up and made me aware of just how unhealthy I am. My stereotypical compulsions and fears as a type 2 really did a good job of destroying a 5 year long relationship with my best friend, first crush, and woman I was going to marry. I'm done with it, and have really made some great strides in owning the best, and worst of what I'm capable of.

    Is there hope for us? Yes (I tell myself, and her actions edify), we talk, have gone on dates since then, are still physical with each other and have a GREAT time. But it's non exclusive, she dates, I've dated.. but I know my heart is still hers, and try as I might, I can't find the pleasure in another woman I do in a simple laugh from her.

    Sadly, I also know deep down in my core I still feel the strong compulsions to smother, to "claim her" out of my choking fear of abandonment and insecurity.

    To say she was perfect would be wrong. She's an ISFJ, 3w2 - sexual variant. So of course, her ambition and focus (coldness even) when she was "achieving" would make me feel rejected and unloved. My need to always feel wanted would push to the point of smothering, which wouldn't work when her naturally introverted self needed time to recharge. So we both brought a few, albiet important, things to our table that really need to be addressed to "heal" past our wounds.

    Needless to say, there was a vicious cycle for 5 years a few days a month that finally wore us down, and in the last year broke up a lot. Finally falling apart this Easter, 2014.

    Yes, what her and I have learned since that day is great (like acknowledging her introverted needs, and my needs for better communication from her during her stressed/focused times), and she's flat out said she's still attracted to the possibility of what could be us (and we keep going out on more dates more frequently; where at the beginning of May it was supposed to be >1< date at the end of this month (almost 2.5 months after we broke up), but we both are afraid of the cycle again.

    I can only work on me, and I know I need to find a better way of dealing with my compulsions and fears. Herbal medication is great (St. John's Word, Anxie-T)... takes the edge off. But the anxieties are still there when you come off of it, and I don't want to be medicated. I want to get past it and be armed with the tools to deal with it myself.

    Prayer, reading (Wisdom of the Enneagram), therapy (CBT), and sheer faith in God's plan for me really see me through day by day. But I'm done with the anxiety, I'm done with living in fear that I'm unworthy of being loved. I'm hoping to learn what I'm missing. To hear and relate to the testimony of others who've walked my path and won.

    Now, what I know I need is the camaraderie of like minded individuals also doing their own searching who can relate to the reality of their personalities, their fears, their anxieties, and also their successes.

    I hope to find a family here.
    ----------
    Jorge (RiftsWRX)
    www.ProjectWRX.com

    Enneagram: 2w3 - Sexual Variant
    M-B: ESFJ
    Socionics: ESE (ESFj)

  2. #2
    Senior Member yeghor's Avatar
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    Dec 2013
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    Quote Originally Posted by RiftsWRX View Post
    Man.. that sounded like a lost puppy ad in the paper, didn't it?

    Here's the kitchen sink on why I'm here, and what brought me here.

    Over the last 16 months I've really had some very sobering and humbling experiences in my life that have finally woken me up and made me aware of just how unhealthy I am. My stereotypical compulsions and fears as a type 2 really did a good job of destroying a 5 year long relationship with my best friend, first crush, and woman I was going to marry. I'm done with it, and have really made some great strides in owning the best, and worst of what I'm capable of.

    Is there hope for us? Yes (I tell myself, and her actions edify), we talk, have gone on dates since then, are still physical with each other and have a GREAT time. But it's non exclusive, she dates, I've dated.. but I know my heart is still hers, and try as I might, I can't find the pleasure in another woman I do in a simple laugh from her.

    Sadly, I also know deep down in my core I still feel the strong compulsions to smother, to "claim her" out of my choking fear of abandonment and insecurity.

    To say she was perfect would be wrong. She's an ISFJ, 3w2 - sexual variant. So of course, her ambition and focus (coldness even) when she was "achieving" would make me feel rejected and unloved. My need to always feel wanted would push to the point of smothering, which wouldn't work when her naturally introverted self needed time to recharge. So we both brought a few, albiet important, things to our table that really need to be addressed to "heal" past our wounds.

    Needless to say, there was a vicious cycle for 5 years a few days a month that finally wore us down, and in the last year broke up a lot. Finally falling apart this Easter, 2014.

    Yes, what her and I have learned since that day is great (like acknowledging her introverted needs, and my needs for better communication from her during her stressed/focused times), and she's flat out said she's still attracted to the possibility of what could be us (and we keep going out on more dates more frequently; where at the beginning of May it was supposed to be >1< date at the end of this month (almost 2.5 months after we broke up), but we both are afraid of the cycle again.

    I can only work on me, and I know I need to find a better way of dealing with my compulsions and fears. Herbal medication is great (St. John's Word, Anxie-T)... takes the edge off. But the anxieties are still there when you come off of it, and I don't want to be medicated. I want to get past it and be armed with the tools to deal with it myself.

    Prayer, reading (Wisdom of the Enneagram), therapy (CBT), and sheer faith in God's plan for me really see me through day by day. But I'm done with the anxiety, I'm done with living in fear that I'm unworthy of being loved. I'm hoping to learn what I'm missing. To hear and relate the the testimony of others who've walked my path and won.

    Now, what I know I need is the camaraderie of like minded individuals also doing their own searching who can relate to the reality of their personalities, their fears, their anxieties, and also their successes.

    I hope to find a family here.
    Quick, capture him before he escapes.

  3. #3
    ndovjtjcaqidthi
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    Oh hi. Good luck man, hope you find what you're looking for.

  4. #4
    Sheep pill, broster asynartetic's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
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    Howdy. I think you share the same type as my dad (not sure about his enneatype, but very likely he is a 2 as well).

    Anyway, welcome and hope you enjoy your stay here.

    You mentioned the woman you were going to marry is an ISFJ. That's interesting because my mother is also an ISFJ. I suppose the ISFJ-ESFJ is a fairly common pairing?

  5. #5
    climb on Showbread's Avatar
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    Welcome, welcome! So sorry to hear about your recent struggles. But, glad to hear you are working towards a better place.

    We need more 2s around here! I hope you stick around.

    Welcome to the family!
    Friends, waffles, work

    "The problem is, when you depend on a substitute for love, you can never get enough" - Louis Cozolino

    3w2 6w7 1w2
    *Gryffindor*


  6. #6
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Welcome! I pretty much adopt any strays in my life, I have a particular knack for collecting stray people, so you're right up my alley!
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

    Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

  7. #7
    Member RiftsWRX's Avatar
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    Lol!
    ----------
    Jorge (RiftsWRX)
    www.ProjectWRX.com

    Enneagram: 2w3 - Sexual Variant
    M-B: ESFJ
    Socionics: ESE (ESFj)

  8. #8
    Blind Guardian Haven's Avatar
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    sup bro. Let the healing begin. Have you tried meditation? It's helped me deal with that compulsion to be involved with everything and everyone.
    {The Diplomat}
    Slytherpuff
    s|L|OAx
    Meow.

  9. #9
    LadyLazarus
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    Hello.Much like the real world; there are both bad and good people here, but I like to think the good people outnumber the bad.

    Anyway, I hope you do find what you need.

    I really relate to what you spoke of wanting to claim your SO; it can be hard and I do commend you for wanting to improve yourself.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    I barely even know you and I'm beginning to like you.

    Welcome to paradise.

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