Man.. that sounded like a lost puppy ad in the paper, didn't it?
Here's the kitchen sink on why I'm here, and what brought me here.
Over the last 16 months I've really had some very sobering and humbling experiences in my life that have finally woken me up and made me aware of just how unhealthy I am. My stereotypical compulsions and fears as a type 2 really did a good job of destroying a 5 year long relationship with my best friend, first crush, and woman I was going to marry. I'm done with it, and have really made some great strides in owning the best, and worst of what I'm capable of.
Is there hope for us? Yes (I tell myself, and her actions edify), we talk, have gone on dates since then, are still physical with each other and have a GREAT time. But it's non exclusive, she dates, I've dated.. but I know my heart is still hers, and try as I might, I can't find the pleasure in another woman I do in a simple laugh from her.
Sadly, I also know deep down in my core I still feel the strong compulsions to smother, to "claim her" out of my choking fear of abandonment and insecurity.
To say she was perfect would be wrong. She's an ISFJ, 3w2 - sexual variant. So of course, her ambition and focus (coldness even) when she was "achieving" would make me feel rejected and unloved. My need to always feel wanted would push to the point of smothering, which wouldn't work when her naturally introverted self needed time to recharge. So we both brought a few, albiet important, things to our table that really need to be addressed to "heal" past our wounds.
Needless to say, there was a vicious cycle for 5 years a few days a month that finally wore us down, and in the last year broke up a lot. Finally falling apart this Easter, 2014.
Yes, what her and I have learned since that day is great (like acknowledging her introverted needs, and my needs for better communication from her during her stressed/focused times), and she's flat out said she's still attracted to the possibility of what could be us (and we keep going out on more dates more frequently; where at the beginning of May it was supposed to be >1< date at the end of this month (almost 2.5 months after we broke up), but we both are afraid of the cycle again.
I can only work on me, and I know I need to find a better way of dealing with my compulsions and fears. Herbal medication is great (St. John's Word, Anxie-T)... takes the edge off. But the anxieties are still there when you come off of it, and I don't want to be medicated. I want to get past it and be armed with the tools to deal with it myself.
Prayer, reading (Wisdom of the Enneagram), therapy (CBT), and sheer faith in God's plan for me really see me through day by day. But I'm done with the anxiety, I'm done with living in fear that I'm unworthy of being loved. I'm hoping to learn what I'm missing. To hear and relate to the testimony of others who've walked my path and won.
Now, what I know I need is the camaraderie of like minded individuals also doing their own searching who can relate to the reality of their personalities, their fears, their anxieties, and also their successes.
I hope to find a family here.