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Thread: I am ENFJ

  1. #1
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    Default I am ENFJ

    Hello! I chanced on an Enneagram Test two days ago and have been slightly obsessed with taking MBTI and Socionic tests online.

    I am a type two(Enneagram), an ENFJ(MBTI), and an ENFj(socionic). It never came up in my tests, but I always felt like type 9 (peacemaker) was the second closest description of me. The description talked about passive-aggressive displays of hurt, something that I admittedly do. (Drag my feet or look down trodden to try to get other people to notice that I am hurt. Haha a bit manipulative I suppose.)

    Anyway, I do like affirmation. (It is part of the reason I am posting this, and I hope I get responses honestly.) When I read (http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENFJ_rel.html) this article I got shivers down my spine. I felt it described me PERFECTLY. I read it a few times and many others like it. The funny thing is that some of the things that they described were things that I have said in trying to explain myself to my girlfriend.

    Random Facts about me:

    -I want everyone to like me. (Even if I don't like the other person.)
    -When I feel that I have committed a social error, it will haunt me and make sleep difficult.
    -I am a conformist.
    -I have always been very sensitive. My girlfriend telling me that I was being annoying/obnoxious completely devastates me. (I try not to show it.)
    -I try not to smother. I really do try.
    -It is hard to understand people's problems with Public Displays of Affection. (PDA) I think I can make my girlfriend uncomfortable by being to loving in front of her friends.
    -I will drop anything to help/be with my girlfriend. She is the most important thing in my life. I would do ANYTHING.
    -I love to think of actions/things/ways that will make other people happy.
    -I love kids.
    -I think I am probably hypocritical, but my attentions are always good!
    -I think that happiness is the ultimate goal in life and that I can be happiest by making the people I love happy. I also consider sadness a mistake. I try to use my logic to understand that sadness is not helping anyone. (Then again, I do get depressed when I feel unloved, and pity is a guilty pleasure of mine.)
    -The most important factor for enjoying sex is that my girlfriend enjoys it too.
    - I do not care much about organization, but I do plan ahead. (Mainly conversations and activities. I think that I get a little sad if an interaction I have planned does not go as well as hoped.)

    I could go on, but I do not want to induce boredom. I would like to ask a few questions however.

    I told my girlfriend that I loved her. A few months later she told me that she loved me too. I inquired once in these three months about why she had not said it. (I thought, based on some of her actions, that she did love me.) Anyway, she just told me that "love" was a difficult thing for her and she was not going to say anything she did not really mean. Obviously, when she did finally say it, it was one of the happiest days that I can remember. The problem is that she does not say "I love you." on even a weekly basis. I know that she does, but it is so hard not to hear it more often. My brain keeps telling me that she probably doesn't love me anymore. (Especially after any conflict.) I know, I am crazy!!! I try to repress these feelings, but it is honestly hard. For affirmation's sake, what do ya'll think about this? Is what I am feeling normal?

    My last question is rather similar. First, some back story: My girlfriend likes doing weird/funky things. (For example, she made an art car.) I endeavor to find weird/funky things for us to do on dates. We have gone to a grape stomp festival, beekeeping lessons, bat festival, improv theaters, and a lot of other cool things. I enjoy all of these, but I also would like to do more of the cliche romantic nights. For example, I have always wanted to go to the movies with her, bur she has flat out refused to ever go to the movies. (Not just me, but literally she said that she would never go to the movies with anyone or by herself again.) I had to accept this. (I was not really hurt.) However, recently I took her to the rodeo on a Saturday. On the way to the rodeo, I asked her how her Friday night went, and she told me that she hung out with some of her friends and went to go see the Hunger Games. (SHE WENT TO THE *%$&*^$ MOVIES!) I was immediately distraught. I felt insanely depressed, but I also did not want to ruin the date. We had a good time at the rodeo, and I did not mention the movie thing once. I was hoping that she could understand that her actions had hurt me without me saying anything. I think a simple, "I am sorry." would have gone a long way. BUT NOTHING! I waited a week, and the next time we were talking I brought it up. I started of by apologizing and saying that I did not want her to feel bad but... her going to the movies and not showing the slightest amount of remorse sucked. It sucked a lot. I did not express anger, just simply stated that it had hurt me. My feelings on the whole situation are very mixed. If you have any insight please give it!

  2. #2
    Riva
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    Welcome to the forum Ben10.

    I want everyone to like me. (Even if I don't like the other person.)
    Don't worry, everyone likes ENFJs .

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    Haha, thanks!

    I also forgot to say that my favorite song is "All I Need" by Awolnation. I think ENFJ will really enjoy it. I listen to it when I need motivation to remain as selfless as possible.

  4. #4
    Junior Member Illelka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    Don't worry, everyone likes ENFJs .
    Glad to hear that :] I'm obsessed with the possibility of not being liked. Count me in, I'm new in the club
    "a woman's anxieties about her appearance often make her susceptible to seduction"

  5. #5
    Member WheresRocket's Avatar
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    I'm a newbie myself, but just want to send some love to you ENFJs! You are sweet, lovely people. My mom is one of you and I married another one. I love ENFJs.

    I don't know if this is really worth anything, @BenENFJ, but my ENFJ husband has the same frustration in getting me to go to movies with him. It's a favorite pastime in his family, and I really just don't like going to the movie theater at all. I don't know why.

    Anyway, for a long time we miscommunicated about it - he would ask me to go to the movies; I'd think he was just trying to suggest the stock "make girls think you're romantic" date (we were in college) and suggest something else. I didn't realize I was hurting his feelings, because I didn't know that going to the movies was meaningful to him. Once we talked openly about it, he was able to express that it would mean a lot to him if we went to the movies sometimes, and I was happy to go along when I realized I could make him happy that way.

    We are both NFs, both good at reading others, but I think that can sometimes translate to expecting others to be able to read us well, and they won't always be able to. We both tend to think it's very romantic to be known well without having to express what we want, but we have learned that it's better for the relationship to assume "I need to tell him/her that this is important" than to assume "He/she loves me and so should know how I feel." And we still do sometimes get those unexpected moments of the other knowing what's up before we speak, and those are the icing on the cake.

    Another thing that has been helpful in that vein is reading "The Five Love Languages" and finding out what expressions of love make each of us feel most loved, so we know where the other is coming from and how to express ourselves to them.

    Hope some of that is useful insight, from one NF to another, because I can sympathize with the frustration of your SO not knowing why you're upset.
    MBTI: INFP
    Enneagram: 4w5, Sp/Sx
    Socionics: EII-INFj
    Life Path 11, Destiny Number 9
    Pisces Sun, Scorpio Moon, Libra Ascendant

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    Quote Originally Posted by WheresRocket View Post
    We are both NFs, both good at reading others, but I think that can sometimes translate to expecting others to be able to read us well, and they won't always be able to. We both tend to think it's very romantic to be known well without having to express what we want, but we have learned that it's better for the relationship to assume "I need to tell him/her that this is important" than to assume "He/she loves me and so should know how I feel." And we still do sometimes get those unexpected moments of the other knowing what's up before we speak, and those are the icing on the cake.
    Thank you! I have been thinking about this for some time now. I think that after she professed her love that I started to assume that she would love the same way I did. I soon got a wake up call, and, until I found all of this typology stuff, I assumed I was alone in the way I loved. I am not going to lie, it would be really nice if she was able to understand the subtext in my actions/speech. It is hard to accept that she can't see my hurt. (It isn't like I make it all to unclear. - although maybe that is just my NF bias.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    Don't worry, everyone likes ENFJs .

    i have to admit, the ENFJ description is like the best freaking sales speech...
    i mean i already know how to deal with the few negatives and the positives are remarkable...

    i am starting to loath whatever it is in me that seems to only be attracted to introverts...

  8. #8
    Senior Member ms.behaving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BenENFJ View Post
    Thank you! I have been thinking about this for some time now. I think that after she professed her love that I started to assume that she would love the same way I did. I soon got a wake up call, and, until I found all of this typology stuff, I assumed I was alone in the way I loved. I am not going to lie, it would be really nice if she was able to understand the subtext in my actions/speech. It is hard to accept that she can't see my hurt. (It isn't like I make it all to unclear. - although maybe that is just my NF bias.)
    Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for singles. The book is a "must read" for the ENFJ social wizard.
    - MB

  9. #9
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    Welcome!

    There's a lot in your post that I identify with--or at least that I have identified with. Including this thing:
    Quote Originally Posted by BenENFJ View Post
    I could go on, but I do not want to induce boredom.
    I hear you. I feel like talking about myself is largely irrelevant and that it's going to drag everyone else down; I tend to make my discussions about the other person/people involved. It turns out that people are halfway interested in my experiences, too, but that's difficult to keep in mind.

    --

    Seconding the whole "Love Languages" thing. The best lesson that you can learn from MBTI, Love Languages, and other similar systems is the fact that people do prefer different things. Truly internalizing that allows us to step out of our needs, pay attention to the other person's needs, and contrast them with our own.

    Also, figuring out why things are a hot button for ourselves and for other people is key. Why doesn't she typically like to go to the movies? Why was this time an exception--was she pressured, does she really like the Hunger Games, did she want to give movies another shot ..? Just remember that she didn't want to go to the movies with anyone, not just with you--so, it probably ain't about you.

    Did you bringing up your feelings start a conversation along those lines? Did you learn anything about her perspective on movies?

    Believe you me, I've also been in positions where I've bottled up my negative feelings, in part because I thought I should be strong enough to handle them on my own, but also because I felt that the other person ought to be able to read me.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    Welcome! Also, figuring out why things are a hot button for ourselves and for other people is key. Why doesn't she typically like to go to the movies? Why was this time an exception--was she pressured, does she really like the Hunger Games, did she want to give movies another shot ..? Just remember that she didn't want to go to the movies with anyone, not just with you--so, it probably ain't about you.

    Did you bringing up your feelings start a conversation along those lines? Did you learn anything about her perspective on movies?

    Believe you me, I've also been in positions where I've bottled up my negative feelings, in part because I thought I should be strong enough to handle them on my own, but also because I felt that the other person ought to be able to read me.
    I know some of these things. She did not want to see movies because it is a "cliche" and "normal couple thing to do." So it is kinda a with-me-only thing. She does not want to go with me because of our romantic involvement. (I don't understand why she wouldn't make a simple sacrifice like going to the movies with me... her love is so different.) For the same reason, she once lashed out at me a few months after I bought her a nice pair of earrings for Christmas. (It is important to note that she did take it back... but the fact that it ever came up...) Anyway, the conversation went like this: (paraphrasing)
    Gf - "I'm not like other girls. Normally, girls would love if you bought them a nice pair of earrings. Normally, girls would love *she lists other things that I have done in the past.* BUT that is not me."
    Me - (Mind you that I am hurt beyond belief in the moment, but all I want to do is make sure she still loves me.) "I didn't get you the earrings so you would love me. I got them because I saw them in the window of a shop in the mall, thought you would like them because they are your favorite color/they are pretty, and deemed it something that would not be viewed as over the top for a Christmas gift."

    Looking back on everything though... maybe she is right. I probably have some selfish motives for my selflessness. Maybe I am lying to myself and really did get her earrings because I wanted her love.

    Anyway, the point is that, even if I did these things to get her to love me, my actions are never fake. I felt like she was accusing me of not being real, but I am a romantic! My "fakeness" IS real! I want the "both try ti get popcorn at the same time" experience. I mean we are waaaaay past that point in our relationship, but I find it sweet. I guess she sees it as phony.

    As for your last statement, it made me smile. I am currently in the state of mind where I think that I'll be strong enough to bear the burden. I really want to be perfectly selfless, but if I am to be honest, I would probably secretly hope that she will see my pain, and offer affirming love.)

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