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Thread: I am ENFJ

  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by BenENFJ View Post
    I know some of these things. She did not want to see movies because it is a "cliche" and "normal couple thing to do." So it is kinda a with-me-only thing. She does not want to go with me because of our romantic involvement. (I don't understand why she wouldn't make a simple sacrifice like going to the movies with me... her love is so different.) For the same reason, she once lashed out at me a few months after I bought her a nice pair of earrings for Christmas. (It is important to note that she did take it back... but the fact that it ever came up...) Anyway, the conversation went like this: (paraphrasing)
    Gf - "I'm not like other girls. Normally, girls would love if you bought them a nice pair of earrings. Normally, girls would love *she lists other things that I have done in the past.* BUT that is not me."
    Me - (Mind you that I am hurt beyond belief in the moment, but all I want to do is make sure she still loves me.) "I didn't get you the earrings so you would love me. I got them because I saw them in the window of a shop in the mall, thought you would like them because they are your favorite color/they are pretty, and deemed it something that would not be viewed as over the top for a Christmas gift."

    Looking back on everything though... maybe she is right. I probably have some selfish motives for my selflessness. Maybe I am lying to myself and really did get her earrings because I wanted her love.

    Anyway, the point is that, even if I did these things to get her to love me, my actions are never fake. I felt like she was accusing me of not being real, but I am a romantic! My "fakeness" IS real! I want the "both try ti get popcorn at the same time" experience. I mean we are waaaaay past that point in our relationship, but I find it sweet. I guess she sees it as phony.

    As for your last statement, it made me smile. I am currently in the state of mind where I think that I'll be strong enough to bear the burden. I really want to be perfectly selfless, but if I am to be honest, I would probably secretly hope that she will see my pain, and offer affirming love.)
    Ah, yeah. No idea about the whole "movies" thing. To me, it sounds like she has a very reactionary stance against traditional 'couple-stuff'--movies, jewelry, etc. and that she receives love in a whole different way. Not sure, though; you're the best judge of that.

    To that end, I wouldn't regard you buying earrings for her as fake at all--you thought of her and expressed that in the absolute best way that you knew how. The intent is there; that intent is why you bought her the earrings, and it's also why you wanted to go to the movies with her.

    Another "for instance." I'm not one for surprises (I like planning things together) or gifts (I can buy my own stuff) at all--in fact, I'm pretty strongly reactionary to these things, even if I know what the intent is. I'm more of a "let's spend some quality time together" person. I also don't need affirmation, to the point where I'm uncomfortable with it and don't know how to handle it. My girlfriend is the opposite of all of this; she likes gifts, surprises, and affirmation. Even after two years into this and countless conversations about this core subject, it still sometimes takes us a while to get out of our own heads and express ourselves in the way that the other would like to hear it.

    Just last week, she had planned a "surprise" trip for me for my birthday, and I didn't want to let her down by telling her outright that I'd rather know what she was planning. Still, she eventually knew to tell me what she had planned, and as a result I was looking forward to it even more than when it was just a nebulous surprise. I had to get across to her that it's not that I don't trust her to pick something that I didn't like and that I didn't appreciate what she was doing--I just like being a part of (or at least clued in on) things that affect me. It definitely worked out, but not without some very clear communication and some feelings hurt all around at first.

    For you, it seems like the key is figuring out exactly what she wants. One way to figure that out is this--how does she express her love for you? Do you sometimes 'miss' her expressions of love because you're looking for it in different ways? We tend to express ourselves to others in a way that we would like to hear it--because it's the way that's natural for us.

    Yeah, again recommending love languages. It's a great rough-cut guide at all of this.

  2. #12
    Member WheresRocket's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bologna View Post
    Yeah, again recommending love languages. It's a great rough-cut guide at all of this.
    Seconding! Or thirding or fourthing; I've lost track. The book is great, but if buying a book isn't in the cards at the moment, the author's website has a good bit of info on the languages, and assessments you can take to help determine which is your primary love language. I'd be willing to bet she wouldn't mind taking the test if you explained that knowing her love language will help you better communicate how you feel to her.

    Being aware of love languages has helped me a lot in many of my relationships, not just with my husband. Good stuff!
    MBTI: INFP
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by WheresRocket View Post
    I'd be willing to bet she wouldn't mind taking the test if you explained that knowing her love language will help you better communicate how you feel to her.

    Being aware of love languages has helped me a lot in many of my relationships, not just with my husband. Good stuff!
    Thanks! (To everyone else who suggested it too. Haha I have also lost track.) I am worried that she will think that I am insane.

  4. #14

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    Haha...your relationship with your girlfriend reminds me a lot of a long relationship I had with an INFJ man.

    I hope that she learns to appreciate your sweet gestures more and be less of a bitch (something I wish I'd done) and you learn to be a little less neurotic and look for validation from within yourself instead of from outside (my apologies if that sounds harsh).

    You sound like a nice guy. Welcome!

  5. #15
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    I don't think your girlfriend is being fair in expecting you to make all the adjustments for her. Maybe she's got some deep, deep (and likely not-so-healthy) issues with 'traditional romance'. I have no idea what that might be, but her reactions seem pretty severe.

    My two cents on the movies bit: She didn't really want to go that movie, but went out of politeness or something. So the reason that she refuses to go with you is that for her, that movie experience won't be something special. Maybe she didn't bother to apologize because she didn't know it would hurt you that she did something she didn't like with someone else. For example, if I don't like karaoke but my boyfriend does, and I am forced to go to a karaoke party with my colleagues. I don't think I will feel the need to apologize to my boyfriend just because I went to one, because I didn't even like it. Does that make sense?

    Does she know how sensitive you are? Do you show it? What does she think of it?
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  6. #16
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    Thanks for all the comments and help guys!

    I think that she is an ISTP. I have been looking a lot into all the different types, and ISTP best describes her. I think reading about how they think has really helped me except her actions. As an ENFJ I am UTTERLY confused by that need for space, but I can appreciate (even though I don't really understand) that she has that need. Does that makes sense? ISTPs are supposedly one of the hardest types to understand because they hide their emotions. If any ISTPs are reading this, can you explain why you do not put any import on emotions?
    I try to make her as comfortable around me as possible, (I put my emotions out on display in the hope that she will see that it does not weaken me.) and yet, I still think that she holds stuff from me. I know she does not think I need to know all of her thoughts (I probably do not) but at the same time there is this natural urge to want to know... on the off chance that I could help with something.

  7. #17
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    To me it sounds like you're trying to have some idealized relationship, and she's asking you to see her for who she actually is. Someone who doesn't want earrings or to go to the movies.

    You're frustrated because you have this vision of romance, and she's frustrated because she just wants you to love her for who she actually is.

    On the other hand, if she's a young ISTP, and she doesn't have many FJs who she's close to or fond of in her immediate family, she may think Fe is the devil, so secretly feel some irresistible attraction yet also irritation at your Fe-dom-ness. It sounds like she's trying to reject Fe pretty hard, to the point that it feels like rejecting *you* because Fe is your dom function and therefore a manifestation of your ego.

    Hoo boy.

  8. #18
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    What a meaty first post. Welcome to the forum.

    All I can say is: +1 ENFJ....

  9. #19

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    Hello big-first-post'er!
    "The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things." - Rainer Maria Rilke

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