Not really sure where to start here, but please bear with me ...
Who am I? -
- British mid-30s guy with wife and 1 kid, 2 dogs
- Software engineer (computer programmer)
- Total bookworm consuming sci-fi/fantasy genre books in vast quantities. Dry/sarcastic sense of humour
- Uncomfortable in social situations, would prefer to hide away isolated with a good book than deal with other people.
- Superficially calm and easy-going in many situations, but in reality that is a mask hiding often confused and volatile emotions and feelings held rigidly suppressed. Occasionally the emotional bottle bursts which can be unfair on others.
- Given to periods of feeling "down" and unsure of how to deal with the world, but such periods are very private and not generally shared face-to-face with others.
- Tendency to withdraw and distance myself from uncomfortable situations, "head-in-the-sand" style
- Need lots of isolated "quiet time" when i can be left undisturbed and pursue own activities (generally reading or computer-related activities)
- Very uncomfortable around "silliness" and finding myself being intolerant of such activities even though i try hard to not get into that state. This is a major reason i am here, as this trait is causing issues with how i deal with my 8 year-old son, who is very active and energetic, and very prone to triggering this negative trait in me.
- Have an instinctual "3-strikes-and-out" approach to setting out household situations, which again causes unwanted and unintended conflicts in relation to my family. Try hard to suppress this, but not very successful.
- Hate exposing depths of feelings/thoughts - such as in this post, but I know i need to come to terms with such things, and try and deal with the more negative aspects... so i am really forcing myself to keep going here. Not easy.
- Probably some other aspects that i cannot yet articulate to myself, let alone others...
Why am I here?
- As seen above, I have come to recognise that i have issues that i need to explore, but i have no idea where to start.
- I know i am falling into the pattern of the "stern father" more and more as time goes by, and i do not want to be that way. I love my family, but i find myself unable to relate to them in the ways i would like.
- Struggling to not just go and hide away from this uncharacteristic openness about my internal self... fear of rejection/mockery is strong and historically has lead me to totally avoid any form of openness on these subjects.
What am i hoping for here? ...
I don't know really... For the first time in my life i have reached a state where i have just enough courage to openly address these aspects of myself, but that state is a fragile thing. I am hoping to find some element of shared experiences and understanding among others that have found a way to explore themselves, despite their natural instincts to hide it all away somewhere deep. Help me to help myself if possible...
INTJ, INTP, or something else?
I am very new to this (2 days research), but from what i have been able to read so far, i find myself identifying with INTJ and INTP. I feel i may be borderline between the two, but again i don't feel my self well enough informed about the topic to make a strong assertion about which is more likely.
Perhaps someone with more experience in anaysing these things can help me understand this.
In addition i had a quick go at the enneagram test from a link on this site, and ended up with 5w6, which seems to also fit with the INTJ/INTP profiles from what i can see...
So, there you go, this is me in an unusually raw and open state ... is there any hope for me?, or am i destined to become just another misunderstood cranky anti-social misfit?