So I stumbled upon these forums, I haven't don't much lurking yet :') But i enjoy intro Posts, since it entitles me to basically ramble about my self. Which i really enjoy doing.
My name is Matt. I'm 24 years old and I live near Chicago. I am a INTP. And fit the descriptions of an INTP So much. It is as if somebody studied me and wrote a description about me and gave it a name :').
I'm socially unable even though i live/ lived a very social life. And its something I've never understood, nor have i asked my friends why they made friends with me and continue to be friends with me. Since I've never made any effort in the friendship, other than being there. I have never called any of my friends, they always call me. I have even gone whole days/weekends being out with friends with out saying more than a word or two. My Nick name to this day is silent Matt. During my high school days. I was at every party/gathering. I had fun, but i would be just as happy being alone also. But I appreciate being part of that social scene. I enjoying observing people. I could careless for the social aspect of it all, i enjoy just being there thinking to myself. And usually my thoughts have nothing to do with my current surroundings. I guess thats considered being absent Minded.
During High school. Ive never studied for a test, or taken notes during class for that test. I just absorbed the info of the subject the teacher was talking about while i was thinking about something else during the class/ drawing scribbles on my note book.. And when the test came i would score in the 80-100% every time. I never cared about being perfect. I just cared about knowing the basics. I never participated during class unless i was forced too. And almost always would know the answer to said question or at least the basic idea of it. I would write papers on the last days before deadline/ or sometimes the next day if i had forgotten it was due. I would write the papers very quickly straight from my head. I've always hated reading literature. I have a hard time reading books that are not written to my preferred tone. I like things simple and to the point. I breezed through high school and graduated with a 3.0 with zero effort.
Staying on the subject of high school. I was stoned everyday. Before/ after/ during. Just everyday. I skipped classes all the time. I just enjoyed being high all the time. And the reason i believed i enjoyed it so much was that it steadies my thinking. When I'm not smoking, I'm just constantly thinking about everything. it was hard to fall asleep. Now a days that I'm not currently smoking pot any more. I only sleep 4-5 hours a night. Its not that i want to sleep more i just find that staying awake longer tires my mind enough that i fall asleep instantly And sleep soundly until i have to get up for work in the morning. Other than smoking pot i did alto of Hallucinogens/ psychedelics on the weekends. I enjoy the different state of mind that they put me into, that allow me to get a different perspective on my thoughts. I never abused any substances. I never needed to have them, nor did i ever need to smoke pot. I could quit them with out thought and go back to my sober state of mind anytime i wanted. and enjoy being sober also. I've never understood addiction, since its always been so easy for me to stop using any drug i got into. I would just stop when i got what i needed from it.
I never had many relationships with girls in high school. for the few i had they never lasted long. I simply couldn't help but ignore them. I liked the idea of having a girlfriend but was not able to maintain it. I didn't know then nor do i know now. why or how to be involved with someone. I'm not sure if its a confidence issue even though I'm very confident in whom i am. But I'm pretty sure that its more to do with that i just don't like confronting people in general. I can know someone is my friend but still feel unsure about it. And its the same with the few girls in high school who i knew they liked me and considered me their boyfriend Bit i subconscious sabotaged the relationship by not taking enough notice of them or making any effort in the relationship and eventually they prolly got confused and ended it since they were not sure of my intentions. since i had no intentions i just wanted to be there. and prefer the people around me to come to me rather me going to them. i guess thats were i get my confidence from is knowing that people who want to be in my presence will be there. But i know as friends I'm supposed to show the same effort but i just can't. I hope that someday soon I'll be able to train my self out of this way of living/thinking but as of now i just can't. I just don't notice the little signs people give to show that they care or whatever. I'm just oblivious to it all. and prefer not to care enough to changes. I guess it comes down to the fact is that I'm usually pretty happy just being alone. But i know I'm happier being with someone else. But its not enough of a difference in level of happiness to give me the incentive to change. i rather just sit here and think. About being with someone.
But what i have come to realize that if it wasn't for being around people who cared for me and like me for whom i am i wouldn't be where i am. even though i like being alone i need people. What would i have to think about if i spent everyday alone... I'm not sure. but i know that I'm happier because of it. even though i myself might not realize it. but i must be some kind of an enjoyable person to be around if not why do my friends keep calling, or coming over to take me out to party's. Its really what makes me think a lot since i just don't understand it. i can understand most physical things so well, But i cant understand why would anybody want to be a around a guy that doesn't talk much or show so little emotion. I always think that i should ask my friends why but I'm never in that state of mind to do so. I just cant approach people in that way. You could say just do it. But its not that simple, i just cant. Just as when people who just meet me ask why i don't talk, and just sit there. I just shrug and say i don't know, because in all reality, i don't know. I can figure out everything else in this world but i cant figure out my self. And it might be my pursuit of life for all my days. I'm pretty sure i would dumbfound a psychologist if i were to ever seen one.
My goal in life is to learn about everything i can. and learn every skill to the above average level. I could careless about being perfect at anything. but i would like to learn how to do everything. and i know I'm able to. Since to this point in my life i haven't found anything i couldn't do. With a little bit a knowledge and some practice i know that i could do anything. and be decent at it. Ive never found anything yet that i was bad at. And usually after a short while i get better than most at it. and am always thinking about what i can do to be better. but once i get to a point. of being good. i usually quit it and move on to something else. Right now instead of learning real life skills Ive been mostly concentrating at on line gaming. Eventually ill get bored of it and look for something else to master.
I'm a huge procrastinator, I cant help it but wait to the last minute. I always do my taxes on the last day possible. i always wait to buy gifts for holidays or w/e to the day before. I never do my laundry until i have no more clean laundry. and since i like being efficient in my time, i go to the Laundromat so i can do all my laundry in under 2 hours. even though i have a washer and dryer where i currently live. I never buy enough grocery's to last me any length of time, i always to go to the store to get just enough for what i need right now to eat. I don't like planning things out i rather just go.
Nothing irritates me more than stupidness. When I'm around people that cant see the obvious, or they ask me a obvious questions, i usually come at them with a snark comment without hesitation. I guess its how i efficiently get rid of idiots in my life as they prolly don't care for me since i come off as an asshole to them, which i find perfectly fine. Since i don't want to be around them in the first place.
Lately Ive been stuck in a routine and its starting to get to me. the repetition of my life has been making me think about myself more than i would prefer. When your in a routine it seems you eventually see and do the same things everyday and you lose the ability to find new things to think about. So you go back to your self in which you don't understand. So now I'm pondering about what i can do to add a little change in my life. At the moment the only change i can see is going and taking some classes on some new subjects, but the variety of classes available is simply not there. Or i do not know where i should be looking. the classes available at the local colleges are the same old BS. nothing new nothing out of the ordinary just the sames old classes semester after semester.
sometimes i wish i didn't have to think all the time. It would be nice to just live. And as i write this I'm wondering if I'm doing this wrong since as i look over the intro forums most people write 1-2 lines posts. Which to me is not much of a introductory. But Maybe other personalities just don't self reflect upon their selves. or maybe I'm just different and love rambling about essentially nothing, i could keep this up for days But i wont since i know i wont. ill just put it off to the side and more than likely forget about it if i don't post this now. :')
Btw.. my grammar is prolly preety crap but its good enough for me. And i know "prolly" is not a word but i like it. It should be a word.