User Tag List

12311 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 142

  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,271

    Default Video: INFJ Door Slam



    INFJs have you done this? What is the purpose of it? Why be so binary/absolute?

    Others have you been door slammed? How did you experience it?

    It's supposedly a last resort defense mechanism where the INFJ puts up a huge wall. There are two kinds
    1. Raw emotional doorslam - INFJ feels really hurt. The person violated and betrayed you in some way or you feel they don't care about you.
    2. Rational thought out door closed - This works when the iNFJ uses it on a thinking type. It is more calm and reasoned out. Maybe you felt they didn't care about you and you made a lot of effort to talk to them. They feel the relationship is too one sided

    The common thread is feeling like the INFJ is putting in all the work and the other person through their behaviors or actions is not perceived as reciprocating. The INFJ just moves on.


  2. #2
    Who Am I? Forever's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Socionics
    Just Ni
    Posts
    6,872

    Default

    If I understand, INFJ door slam is rather absolute and final and there's no turning back. I believe I got doorslammed from non-infj types (or at least I don't think they are).

    Well I could see is that INFJ's don't like to have toxic feelings and being overused. At least that's how I see it. Being too humble and submissive to others can lead you to being used so much (sorry for sounding redundant) that you can't take it. It's a strong aversion, you see nothing but only that person wishes to inflict harm on you regardless if that person is aware of it or not. It's a sad feeling knowing I had to do it. It's very rare that I do this and it's usually with people who are like former roommates, like I had one who would always make fun of how I laugh, how I talk, and I honestly did nothing to that sucker. He ruined my books I lent him, I felt so abused and he didn't care, he'd steal my stuff.

    And what's worse he started making fun of me AFTER I forgave him in front of others. I doorslammed him to keep myself sane and don't want to ever see people like him again. There's no reason to. I think he was an unhealthy ISTP but I don't judge the rest of ISTP's like that based on only him, I've met others who are kind and like to do their own thing. How most IXXP types are anyway from my experience.

    I may do mini-doorslams like if the person is just illogical in their reasoning and you can't argue with them without them using too many fallacies or simply just don't care and only want to make you feel bad. (but they can be re-opened again, I just don't want to do anything with you for a few days to a year usually and I'll observe how you treat others, kind of like an internal appeal process)

    I definitely think that doorslams over-all is an INFJ weakness for sure. But I only do it very sparingly and they usually have to interact with me a whole ton to deserve that kind of treatment from me, it's not always warranted, but so far I haven't really regretted ever doing so.

    If this counts.. I emotionally "doorslam" my past girlfriends, I don't have any feelings for them but whatever they go in life, I hope they're happy.

    So all and all, it's to protect ourselves from bad people. To be straight and simple. Also because we're usually so grey, sometimes an absolute can be comforting knowing that they won't ever really be a problem again. (hopefully)
    F O R E V E R


    When it matters, everyone's the same.




  3. #3
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2014
    MBTI
    N/A
    Socionics
    EIE Ni
    Posts
    3,387

    Default

    This has happened to me before, and I have done it to someone else myself as well. In general, it is a last resort when you feel exhausted, tied down and frustrated by the other person. They must add a lot of stress to the INFJ's life, and it follows that the only way to cut those emotions out is to be rid of them.

    I don't feel inclined to elucidate beyond that both times women were involved. But yes, it always sucks.

  4. #4
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,271

    Default

    I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639
    Likes Ursa liked this post

  5. #5
    Permabanned
    Join Date
    May 2014
    MBTI
    N/A
    Socionics
    EIE Ni
    Posts
    3,387

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types.
    Feelings, a desire to be loyal to and show compassion for the other person's problems?

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.
    INFJs tend to bond very closely. We will internalise any stressful, negative emotions that conflict might create, and (when unhealthy) tend to have abandonment fears. So at first, it's easy to just sweep things under the carpet. This is also why I believe it's important for an INFJ to have a partner who is direct and forthright, someone who'll air any concerns directly and prove those fears wrong. This is one reason why an ENTP or ESTP is a good fit. The same or similar functions, but a different order (and hence interaction style).
    Likes gefsgirl liked this post

  6. #6

    Default

    I don't think this is type related.
    Likes Hard, SpankyMcFly, gefsgirl liked this post

  7. #7
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Enneagram
    9w8
    Posts
    3,545

    Default Video: INFJ Door Slam

    First, thanks for posting.
    I have used a door slam only once, on a stalker. I felt it was justified, needed. But I've used a door close several times in my life, mostly because I realized that person didn't care enough about me to even notice that I had walked away. I was a convenience, a tool or a possession in their eyes. I left the door unlocked, in case they wanted to open it and say, "hey, I miss you." There comes a time in a person's life when you realize that you are not responsible for everyone else's happiness, you are not their sidekick, not their puppet, not their trophy. You are an individual person and your life is just as important as theirs. In other words, I bent over backwards for them and acted like I was a pet or something. Once I cut a friend out because she drained me so much.
    Likes Holy liked this post

  8. #8
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7W6 sp/sx
    Socionics
    IEE
    Posts
    4,790

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.
    I have definately doorslammed a fair few people, for very similar reasons. Abusing friendships, using me, betraying trust etc. I got to a stage where I had to turn things around and that meant cutting off unhealthy and toxic relationships... after that ... ummm... 'realisation' point I have been much more careful about who I let close, I'm much more guarded and have much higher self preservation. It took a long time though because I really wanted to believe those people were good at their core.... I came to realise that I was not to blame and to keep myself safe I had to end those relationships.


    The only thing that is different is that I would forgive them if i believed they truly had changed.
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"
    Likes highlander, GIjade liked this post

  9. #9
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kullervo View Post
    Feelings, a desire to be loyal to and show compassion for the other person's problems?

    INFJs tend to bond very closely. We will internalise any stressful, negative emotions that conflict might create, and (when unhealthy) tend to have abandonment fears. So at first, it's easy to just sweep things under the carpet. This is also why I believe it's important for an INFJ to have a partner who is direct and forthright, someone who'll air any concerns directly and prove those fears wrong. This is one reason why an ENTP or ESTP is a good fit. The same or similar functions, but a different order (and hence interaction style).
    Quote Originally Posted by Ene View Post
    First, thanks for posting.
    I have used a door slam only once, on a stalker. I felt it was justified, needed. But I've used a door close several times in my life, mostly because I realized that person didn't care enough about me to even notice that I had walked away. I was a convenience, a tool or a possession in their eyes. I left the door unlocked, in case they wanted to open it and say, "hey, I miss you." There comes a time in a person's life when you realize that you are not responsible for everyone else's happiness, you are not their sidekick, not their puppet, not their trophy. You are an individual person and your life is just as important as theirs. In other words, I bent over backwards for them and acted like I was a pet or something. Once I cut a friend out because she drained me so much.
    That's helpful.

    One of the things that is bothering me in all these descriptions though is that there is an implicit blaming of all the relationship problems on the other person. It's as if the INFJ is saying I've done everything I could and am just not being treated the way that I should (whatever way that supposedly is which presumably is unique to them as an individual). Relationships are always a two way street and it's rare for stuff to be all one person's fault. To blame it all on the other person is wrong.

    As to "loyalty" - the behavior seems to be the antithesis of that. I have had an INTJ friend since college. Sometimes we don't talk to each other for years at a time. He stays with me thick and thin. I do the same with him. That's loyalty. Bringing someone in really close and then suddenly dumping them on the side of the road because the relationship dynamic is hurting you isn't loyalty. It seems like dis-functional relational behavior due to a failure to set normal or appropriate boundaries and an inability to to deal with conflict in a constructive manner.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639
    Likes asynartetic, phobik liked this post

  10. #10
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6
    Posts
    24,060

    Default

    I don't think it is always (or even usually) a matter of blame. It's a matter of knowing how much energy you have to invest, and deciding where to direct it- and where not to direct it.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii
    Likes Kullervo, GIjade liked this post

Similar Threads

  1. Video: INFJ Personality Type | The Counselor
    By highlander in forum Typology Videos and RSS Feeds
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-27-2014, 02:38 PM
  2. Video: INFJ Relationships: Nature's Psychologists
    By highlander in forum Typology Videos and RSS Feeds
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-21-2014, 07:33 PM
  3. [ISFJ] Ever been door slammed by an ISFJ?
    By Riva in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-18-2012, 03:44 PM
  4. [JCF] Fe Door-Slam v. Te Bitch-Slap
    By Little Linguist in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: 09-26-2010, 08:50 PM
  5. [INFJ] INFJ boyfriend door slammed, please help!
    By ntgirl in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 08-01-2010, 02:21 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO