Video: INFJs and criticism

[highlander]

• Is it true?

 

[Fidelia]

I know it probably sounds that we are tremendously finicky about presentation and timing and that we expect everything to be done in our way, but I would say that the stuff there all rings pretty true for me. There's a lot that could be expounded on more, but he covers it all in a nutshell.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I mostly agree with it as well.

He doesn't go into how much the source of the criticism effects how much weight is immediately given to it. I'd say that's a pretty big factor for INFJs. To a certain extent, I think this is something most people can relate to- but INFJs do seem to be off the charts sensitive to it. For example: the opinion of someone who only ever issues criticism thoughtfully- after careful deliberation, removing any personal bias and so forth- is going to be given far more weight than the opinion of someone who seems to compulsively spew criticism in the throes of anger or their own hurt feelings. Our accumulated experience of each person has a tremendous immediate influence in how seriously we take the feedback from that particular individual. (This isn't to say our accumulated experience is always built on accurate perception- this is just to say that accumulated experience has a tremendous influence.)

On the one hand, this makes it more difficult for people who's feedback consistently seems shortsighted (relatively speaking- their feedback may be helpful in a "one size fits all" kind of way, but not helpful on a personalized level) to 'get through'- we'll very quickly throw the baby out with the bathwater from those individuals. But on the other hand- when someone has, time and time again, personally demonstrated having very helpful/sound judgment in this regard- no matter how much we don't see the baby in that bathwater, it's almost impossible to simply dismiss and we'll keep searching for what we're not seeing in spite of 'seeing' nothing but bathwater (longer and harder than most people would- and sometimes harder than we should<- we can be really myopic in this way- especially if we don't have anyone around who understands us on a truly helpful level, then we'll start doling out trust based on 'best available source' of feedback- giving someone's opinion more credit than we ultimately should for longer than we should).

eta: Then there's the public/private thing, he mentioned it but the he didn't expound on it. It's also kind of a big deal.

 

[Fidelia]

I think there are times when I dismiss criticism because of the source or the delivery, when I shouldn't necessarily do so. On the other hand, there are times when I take criticism far too seriously when it is not warranted and maybe even has more to do with the other person's circumstances or style than me personally. It was a revelation to me a few years ago that someone's negative (or positive) opinion of me didn't necessarily make that pronouncement true. It was simply a snapshot of their perspective, with the information they have at that particular point in their and my lives and communicated in the way that made sense to them at the time.

For example, I have a good friend whose teaching and musical ability I respect greatly, although his people skills leave much to be desired. He came to visit and shared some music that his groups had just played at a show and suggested we try it out together. Later, he said quite candidly that he really prefers playing alone and gets very little enjoyment out of playing with others, using our session of playing earlier that night as an example. In the past, I would have taken it to mean that I simply wasn't at a level of playing that he found stimulating or enjoyable, as I frequently see him playing with others and enjoying it. I realized though that he was just giving me his unfiltered opinion, maybe even without that extra statement in there, and even if that extra implication was there, he didn't mean it unkindly. It was just a fact. If I were to offer my unfiltered opinion of some of our interactions, it wouldn't sound flattering either, even though I care very much about him.

In some ways, it's been very freeing to realize that a lot of the time, I probably do read in more than is intended and I need to actually check and see what they did mean. It also is freeing to realize that some people simply do not have enough information to work with, or what they are saying is not really a reflection of my own value or competency. I think I am already fairly critical of myself in some ways, and so it is a very vulnerable feeling to have someone lay out my faults (particularly publicly) when I am not expecting it. That is why processing time and delivery matter a lot for me to be able to believe that their intent is good-natured and constructive.