Okay, I guess I'll play.
INFJs are supporting (to a degree) insightful (sometimes yes, sometimes I'm clueless, usually nothing in between) and intense (I don't think I'm intense) partners, they value harmony (yes) like to please (usually, but not if it costs too much energy) and love intimacy (I'm not big on intimacy most of the time, it feels intrusive), especially knowing how to delight and dissolve (I'm not sure how one would go about delighting and dissolving an INTP or what it would look like if it happened. It sounds like it couldn't be good.) their partner INFJs pride themselves on emotional intelligence (it's really hit and miss for me. one extreme or the other, usually) and seek a deep emotional and spiritual connection with their partner (I don't think I do, really. I like being on the same page, being able to rely upon one another and having a pleasant time, which isn't the same thing, I don't think. One of the things I value about my partner is that he keeps a lot of his emotional noise to himself. I find that soothing.), they desire closeness and love being the trusted confidant and protector of another's inner most thoughts and feelings (I used to be more into that than I am now. Now I'd just as soon avoid it because when people confide in you, they usually aren't telling you good things).
INFJs are extremely devoted parents (I wouldn't call myself a devoted parent, though I do love my kids very much and want good things for them) who pour energy into nurturing deep and lasting bonds with their children (this isn't me. I really do want to have good relationships with my kids and keep in contact with them all at least a couple of times a week until I'm dead but I'm not sure how realistic that is and it's more important that they build lives of their own.), sometimes prioritizing their children's needs over their partners (I've always made a point not to do this when it could be avoided. If we do our job right, the kids will leave but we're both in this for life. Plus, it's better for kids to know their parents love each other and are committed to each other than to be the center of attention, IMO). the INFJ parent takes a keen interest in their children's development (keen is probably too strong a word) and well being, they will quickly in tune with their children emotional and intellectual interests (honestly, I will do this enough to make polite conversation but I don't like anime or pewdiepie all that much), gently encouraging them to pursue and develop their own dream and fulfill their own inner potential (I want them to be able to not have to struggle to put food on the table and to be happy, so I try to give them realistic expectations and practical advice and honest critique as well as encouragement).
when it comes to parenting intensity, few match the INFJ, though this can occasionally spill over to molly cuddling (I probably molly coddle with some things and leave them swinging in the breeze with others depending on your perspective). even then INFJ parents continue to find ways to keep their parenting flame alive (I have no idea what that even means, but it sounds stupid).
INFJs want to understand themselves, human nature in general, and develop a comprehensive conceptual framework into which these fit (yes to all that). they are highly empathic (yes, and it sucks most of the time, so it may not look like I'm empathic because I do not want people getting their emotions on me.), gifted in understanding people (sometimes, yes other times I'm clueless), and often referred to as nature's psychologists (I have that vibe, which is not always a good thing). but like all of us, if an INFJ doesn't understand another's core values, they may misinterpret their actions (sometimes I understand but I disagree and think other people are mean and stupid even though that may or may not be rational and I'm mean and stupid sometimes, too, but there is no rule that I have to be objective and benevolent all the time).
when in stress, an INFJ may often see threats in the relationship, that may be grains of sand, but which the INFJ will hyperbolize into mountain ranges (I totally do this. I know that I do this, so I generally try to keep a lid on it until I calm down and can address it more rationally. I do not always succeed.). this happens with both INFJs and INTJs. in stress, all INxJs can get stuck in the grip of their inferior extroverted sensing, which Roger Pierman in "i'm not crazy i'm just not you",describes in the following terms:
"extroverted sensing has the natural strength of collecting evidence from the environment - people, things and places.
the fluid experience of information enables those using extroverted sensing to describe experiences well.
but in its compensatory form, extroverted sensing leads to incorrect deductions from a single fact,
at times a simple smell can lead to the catastrophic conclusion that a relationship is over.
there is no step-by-step logic leading to the conclusion; it is as if the conclusion already existed and merely required the observation of a random fact to allow it to be arrived at."
ordinarily very good at connection observations to illuminate deeper meaning, when stressed it may be very difficult to get an INFJ to reexamine their trusted insight, as they may simply find new random facts to validate their perspective.
INFJs are creative (sometimes, but I don't think any more so than other folks) and will inspire their partner and children with new ideas and perspectives (I'm pretty sure they just think I'm hairbrained. Unless someone is wanting to cosplay and then I'm a wonderful mom is so very wonderful and will you please sew this for me mom? ).
INFJs need a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives (I haven't had any real concerns about this since I had kids. This could change when and if they don't need me anymore, but I think the INTP will always need me to nag him a little). they need to feel that they are contributing towards a better, more loving world (I think I feel this way, but I also know that I'm one person out of billions and that nobody is even going to remember me when my grandkids are dead, so really, how miserable do I want to make myself?). so when an INFJ has found their passion, they may become extremely driven to actualize their internal ideals in the outer world (I can be this way, but I am a dabbler and don't have much energy, so it usually doesn't last long). this can also lead the INFJ to become so determined to achieve their goals that they may ignore all of their own personal needs (No. I'm really not that goal oriented or ambitious and I crumble really quickly if I don't take care of myself, so even if I wanted to, I can't.). one INFJ university lecturer was so dedicated to her students, that she would work extremely long hours, often forgetting to eat and sleeping in her office, such that she eventually developed chronic fatigue syndrome (That's a pretty stupid and egotistical thing to do, IMO. Nobody is that important and if you were, it's that much more important that you behave in a way that is sustainable).
it should be noted that INFJs like SFJs are extremely faithful to their cohort (I don't know what this means). not the point where they need to attend all social events (social events should die), but INFJs value loyal reliable friends (You'd have to be a dick not to.). friends that have stuck by them through thick and thin are often afforded the same level of regard as a partner (my partner is my only friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin). this can be problematic when an INFJs sense of obligation to their cohort conflicts with the needs of their partner (I think I've learned my lesson about that). INFJs spend such a lot of time ministering for the needs of others,so a partner may feel excluded or overlooked at times (If I'm spending a lot of time away from home, I try to check in with him fairly often to make sure it's not bothering him. Usually if it is, he'll say something and I'll make more time for him.).
INFJs navigate the emotional lives of others with care and sensitivity, trying to avoid causing offense, looking for the highest good in others, and seeking to maintain harmony (I don't navigate, I avoid. I don't want to cause offense because I hate conflict and I don't want bad karma. I am pessimistic about people and when I try to meddle it usually doesn't end well. Because nobody likes to be anybody else's DIY project, not even mine. I do often have the urge, but I try to keep it on a leash.).
like INTJs, INFJs tend to be their own worst critiques, and demand of themselves very high standards, particularly when it comes to emotional and moral integrity (This is sometimes true and sometimes not. I do like to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak, but I can also justify all kinds of stuff to myself. Most people can. I have found, however, that everything works better when I don't beat myself up over stupid stuff).
INFJs can also be very sensitive to criticism from others, and can regards negative comments as a personal a front (I take criticism very badly and I take everything personally.). when hurt, even if no offense was intended, they may choose to avoid confrontation and clarifications of the other's intentions, and simply retreat and discuss with their cohort later, the offender might never know (yes to all of that).
regardless of type, unexpressed discontent breeds shadow, projection and more discontent, if an INFJ doesn't learn to share their feelings and clarify miscommunication, layers of misinterpretation can build up to the point where the INFJ may become outright condescending of what they believe are another's erroneous values (I doorslam long before that's an issue.).
what INFJs want others to know about them:
in a partner INFJs value mutual support (I'm not sure what that looks like), intimacy (meh), intensity (no) and shared values (that'd be great).
INFJs have a deep and complex inner spiritual life (I don't consider myself spiritual, though I am religious and care about ethics), which they only share with those they absolutely trust (it really depends. sometimes I'm all too free with my opinions), if at all. somethings are simply too precious or emotionally intense to be shared with anyone (that's common courtesy).
INFJs like to be appreciated and recognized for who they are (who doesn't?), and particularly for their understanding of people (I like to be appreciated for tasks I do not how my brain works, which is subjective anyway).
INFJs are themselves great listeners (I can be but am not always. Sometimes I'm quite the oppisite), but also value being listened too (who doesn't?). being consulted and feeling their values have being considered in decision making, is important to all feeling types, and INFJs like to know their input is valued.
INFJs want authenticity (sometimes). they are extremely tolerant and forgiving of others faults and foibles. (Tolerant and forgiving aren't quite the right words. It's more like I make excuses for a long time and doubt whether I'm really understanding what's going on. Eventually, it becomes so obvious that even I can't be in denial anymore and that's it.). in turn they want to be accepted to who they are, especially their insights, which can be confronting to a partner at times (everybody wants to be accepted for who they are. My insights are sometimes great and sometimes shit. I am not my partner's therapist and he does not want or need my insights about himself).
INFJs keep their innermost feelings very closely guarded, to avoid hurting and being hurt by others (usually, yes). emotional disclosure and openness in a partner encourages an INFJ to share more of themselves (no, he just kind of has to put up with it whether he wants it or not because I can't stop myself), also creating the intense intimacy the INFJ craves (is that like electrolytes?).
INFJs are highly independent thinkers on matters relating to people (more like convoluted in my case), and need others to respect the clarity of their feelings (I'm okay as long as you don't invalidate them). they also need the freedom to follow their personal dreams and aspirations. INFJs don't want a partner who craps their style (I don't really have personal dreams or aspirations . . . I know I'm supposed to so I can be all self-actualized and stuff, but I really just want to be comfortable and entertained. I would not, however, get along well with a very controlling partner). they will lovingly support and encourage a partner to pursue their own dreams (I did that for awhile and it didn't go very well so I stopped and now we are a lot better off), and want their partners to be similarly unimposing (he's fine with me doing whatever as long as it doesn't inconvenience him much, which works out okay as a rule).
while INFJs love ministering to people (I really don't so much right now), listening to stories of pain can drain them and they may need to sit down brief with others (there is a reason I don't watch the news). for the INFJ it can be difficult to strike a balance between the Ni need to spend time in reflection and contemplation, and the Fe desire to reach out to people. having regular 'me' time helps avoid emotional burnout. (I err on the side of being a hermit and am happier for it)
common mistakes INFJs make:
especially with people insight, INFJs can spend so much time being tuned into what's happening in another person's psyche that they become oblivious to all sort of problems that are happening in their own lives (I can be oblivious with out such a good excuse but I do try to keep a halfway decent idea of what's going on with my family and troubleshoot problems as they arise, if I'm able). NiFe spends such a lot of time tending for the potential and well being of others, that the INFJ's Ti can become so fixated on self obligations to the outer world, that the core needs of self are overlooked (pretty much avoiding that these days).
if a relationship is valuable, INFJs may also purger their own values to keep the peace, not speaking up when they are upset, or trying to find a more beautiful interpretation of their partners actions. but if an INFJ hides behind nice words too often, the unexpressed desires of the self can lead to bitterness and resentment (my husband is more ethical and principled than I am in most areas, so we're generally fine in that department. since this is something we value about each other, we don't expect the other to compromise values. that would be bad mojo).
NiFe is naturally giving (sometimes), and INFJs are energized by reaching out to encourage, protect and uplift others (and drained at the same time. it's weird). where INFJs can become unstuck, is in failing to recognize that this desire is a self imposed discipline, a personal desire and need. when this is not understood, in a relationship where an INFJ has high degree of emotional investment fails, the INFJ may reframe past events in their mind, so as to position self as having being exploited by the other (yeah, I can and have done this. trying to prevent it from happening in the future). and while it is true that the good nature of the INFJ is often exploited by opportunistic partners, INFJs that don't recognize it is their own compulsion that drives them to serve others, may project onto those who reject their help as having taken them for granted (I run on appreciation. If I can't get it, I quit pretty soon, so it's kind of a self-solving thing for me).
like the INTJ, at times the INFJ can have delusions of grandeur. the INTJ believes they have superior insight into the nature of knowledge, which can lead to arrogantly discounting whole areas of information, so merrily discrediting views and opinions that can not be proven. the INFJ believes they have superior insight into the nature of people, which can lead to arrogantly disregarding science and even people, those who don't follow their model (yeah, but I don't think that's unique to Ni types).
it takes a long time for an INFJ to trust a partner enough to let them into their inner world (as much as I have an inner world, my partner has been in it since a few months after we met, I think).and once part of that inner world, they may expect a partner to operate according to their Ti model of appropriate social protocol and personal morality (we have the good luck of being compatible in this area as a rule, so it's not a big deal most of the time). and ESTP husband once complained of his INFJ wife,"we go out to the club and i'm just having a laugh being charming, and she goes around apologizing for me. look, i live and die by my actions. i don't need a pompous morality lecture. i am who i am. people can make up their own minds" (that's what you get for marrying an opposite and please, God, do not make me go to clubs. thank you).
as with all types, when the child function is threatened, the INFJ can go into meltdown. the INFJ's child function is introverted thinking, an evaluation of personal conduct based social norms and morals. most of the time INFJs can be incredibly sensitive to the emotional lives of others, so it can be really debilitating to realize they have offended someone (probably). having spent so much time writing that Ti model of how to respect and honor others, the realization that they got it wrong can be a crippling upfront to the INFJs basic need to be people-competent. this can be so mortifying that the INFJ may find it difficult to apologize, preferring to reauthor the event to highlight or accentuate all the other good things they have done, hoping the offense is drowned out of contention (yeah, I'm sure I probably do that but I try not to think about it).
in intimate relationships the INFJ desire to establish harmony (harmony is good), and achieve closure when conflict arises, can mean that rather than deal with the issue at hand, the INFJ may simply re-double their expressions of love and affection, without embracing the discomfort that this can cause their partner (both my partner and I are conflict avoidant, but I am less so than he is. I've had to adjust my conflict management style to a way that works for him and it mostly seems to work okay now).
INFJ deal breaks and caveats:
INFJs don't have many deal breakers (oh, I have a list like Santa's lol). like the rest of us, they won't stand abuse (thank God I haven't had to find out). however they are surprisingly long suffering with even incompatible partners for the sake of their children (that sounds horrible and would be a hard choice).
INFJs are patient and gracious partners, who will forgive and forgive and forgive, but when they do finally close the door, there's no going back. (they aren't forgiving, they are trying to figure out what the hell is going on and what they should do about it)
while extremely congenial and accommodating in the outer world (sometimes), the INFJ has extremely deep personal values, like all introverted types, the child function is highly sensible, and being introverted thinking, somewhat rigid. (yeah)
both the INFJ and their partner need to be aware that INFJs do not disavow their inner values easily (no, but I can seem to change them on a dime and I can hold conflicting values at the same time and sometimes I decide my values cannot work irl and just do the best I can even if it's not very good). to change an INFJs requires a careful even methodical rebuilding, systematically explaining how and why encumbered values are causing difficulty (that's not how values work. you don't change them because they are inconvenient. if they are inconvenient, you violate them. you change them when you think they aren't right anymore).
partners and cohort are cautioned to never criticize or offend an INFJs values (you can criticize them, but I will tell you why you are wrong. I don't know how you offend values). to do so may unleash a creative fury, that is difficult for anyone to forget, leaving the INFJ greatly embarrassed and a partner greatly hurt (I've only done this once and not only were my values being violated, my younger brother was the victim and when I retreated to let things cool off, I was followed into my own territory and further hounded. it was not my partner who did this. he has better sense than that). any wonder they get on with the morally unimposing ESTP so well (maybe to hang out but not to live with. I prefer morally compatible to morally unimposing in a partner).
INFJs are fiercely protective of their children, do the wrong thing by the child of an INFJ and the severance would be completely and utterly final. in fact, an INFJ in rage makes a grizzly bear look tame. (yeah, but I'm a decent-sized predator species of mammal so it's not like it's unique to me)
