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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Iron Giant View Post
    Relationship styles vary most importantly in areas that have been defined and quantified already. This would be things like attachment style, love languages, that sort of thing. But at least as important is personal development and maturity. @zago points out that it's "so easy to say things," but in reality the plans fall apart in execution. Eventually, with work and patience and growth, we reach the level of understanding of relationship dynamics that you see in @skylights' post, and then you go on to find someone who you can discuss these matters openly with, and then the plans don't fall apart in execution. If the relationship isn't going to work, both of you see it coming, talk about it like adults, deal with it, and move on. This is why the other night on Vent I was talking about how I wouldn't advise anyone get married in their early 20s. I don't think people are equipped to make life-long commitments yet.
    @badger055, you sound very frustrated, and whether it was her intention or not, @Coriolis is giving you brilliant advice on the lack of communication within your relationships that you've demonstrated.

    It's OK to get into a relationship and say, "I feel excited and happy about being near you." That's a natural feeling in the beginning of a relationship, and yes, relationships do go in cycles. There's that New Relationship Energy, then there's being in love where most people don't think about other partners, then there's a slower-burning deep commitment phase which is more relaxed and reflective, and has a more realistic perspective on who you've committed to. Many, many relationships break down at that phase, because the feeling changes so much, and people aren't prepared for it... they think they've fallen out of love, or have changed in some way.

    So anyway, I'm wandering off a bit I think. My point is that the opening section of a relationship is very exciting and fun, but it's important to apply the brakes a bit and take in the scenery if you want it to last.

    I get the feeling that people are afraid to talk about this stuff with people they're involved with, like it will "spoil the romance" or frighten someone away. I guess there's an amount of vulnerability to talking plainly about your feelings, but as I see it, if you want a relationship that lasts and lasts, you want to be able to have that vulnerability together. It feels awesome to show that and have someone appreciate it.
    Sorry ISTJ guy but we don't speak the same language. I clash like crazy with ISTJs so I suggest you shield your eyes from my posts if you want to keep your nice world view intact.

    Anyways I decided to hell with relationships. I seem to do better on a friend level but anything beyond that I'm not comfortable maintaining. Probably because I have the emotional depth of a paper clip. Starting a harem also sounds like a good idea.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by zago View Post
    Yes, that seems to be how we should think of marriage. But it is so easy to say things. Some systems just don't work that well. I'd always make that mistake in teaching. Over the summer I would forget what it was like in the classroom and I would come up with many lists and ways things should be, and all the things I should do. And I was completely right. But when I'd get back in the classroom, I only had so much time and energy, only so much willpower. Inevitably things get messy. And it's the same way with marriage. Sure, say "other options should cease to matter" but you might as well tell yourself you're going to stop looking at the color red or something. Certain things aren't in our biology, no matter what we tell ourselves. I'm not a big believer in free will. That's our main difference.
    Ah, yes, that would be a major difference, maybe enough to shake the whole concept. And you are very right about things easier said than done.

    Though - I don't mean one won't question their marriage or find other people attractive from time to time. But the move from that to -

    Quote Originally Posted by The Iron Giant View Post
    But at least as important is personal development and maturity. @zago points out that it's "so easy to say things," but in reality the plans fall apart in execution. Eventually, with work and patience and growth, we reach the level of understanding of relationship dynamics that you see in @skylights' post, and then you go on to find someone who you can discuss these matters openly with, and then the plans don't fall apart in execution. If the relationship isn't going to work, both of you see it coming, talk about it like adults, deal with it, and move on. This is why the other night on Vent I was talking about how I wouldn't advise anyone get married in their early 20s. I don't think people are equipped to make life-long commitments yet.
    - the point at which you can talk to your partner and acknowledge that it's a crazy gamble and you're worried about it sometimes and you wonder about it sometimes but you promised you'll keep doing it anyway so you do.

    How often does the idealistic scenario work out? Not too often, it seems. I definitely wouldn't want to try to convince anyone who's feeling ambivalent about it into pursuing marriage. But at the same time - I do think it's possible. I think it requires a lot of work and a lot of luck, but I do think it's possible.

  3. #23

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    Quote Originally Posted by badger055 View Post
    Beginning stages: I'm so lonely what is the point of living without a girlfriend. Proceed to go after girls like a rabid dog.
    First month: She is the greatest girlfriend ever I want her to move in with me now!
    Second month: Oh god she is too close get her away from me.
    Third month: Oh god this is so unbelievably boring I want to get rid of her like an alien parasite attached to my brain stem. Proceed to break up.

    It's like I have a 6 year relationship in 3 months.
    Oh, I remember the days... Falling in love so easily and falling out just as quick.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by badger055 View Post
    Beginning stages: I'm so lonely what is the point of living without a girlfriend. Proceed to go after girls like a rabid dog.
    First month: She is the greatest girlfriend ever I want her to move in with me now!
    Second month: Oh god she is too close get her away from me.
    Third month: Oh god this is so unbelievably boring I want to get rid of her like an alien parasite attached to my brain stem. Proceed to break up.

    It's like I have a 6 year relationship in 3 months.
    You need an Ni dom girlfriend who has a life that is too busy to include you. Ni doms naturally lose interest in other people overtime and it takes constant tugging from an Se to make it stay interesting. It gives Se a good chase.

  5. #25
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    And that's how I stayed single!

    Well....that and my off putting personality. But seriously, this place is great for keeping me out of relationship's way...every time I think it might finally be time to try putting myself out there...I log on and BOOM....I'm instantly repulsed from the idea.

    Now if I could find someone to get near me in a more physical sense....
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  6. #26
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    I suck way too much at real life to get the focused attention of any girl... but my internet experiences (counter to my initial expectations) have shown otherwise.

    But even with that, I'm just a funny kid with a lot of novel ideas that can generate feelings of mental adventure, which seems to have an interesting reception at unique levels, but it's just a quest where some love of inspiration is present rather than the realistically binding desire.

    The cause for the above I would guess is because there's practically no survival advantages for girls to gain on my part, that and how my individual visions for world domination are way too intense.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Ene's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    Thrill for some. I always hated that stuff. I was mostly honest and direct without being stupid.
    Ayi...we are cut from the same cloth in this area.
    A student said to his master: "You teach me fighting, but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two?" The master replied: "It is better to be a warrior in a garden than to be a gardener in a war." - unknown/Chinese

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...=61024&page=14

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    You need an Ni dom girlfriend who has a life that is too busy to include you. Ni doms naturally lose interest in other people overtime and it takes constant tugging from an Se to make it stay interesting. It gives Se a good chase.
    I don't like Ni doms I can't go back there. If I have to hear everything is love or talk of all of us being connected on a universal scale one more time I will lose my mind. You are right though she does need to be too busy for me but I think just having someone attached to my emotions in general is annoying to me. I sort of feel like they don't naturally belong there and I want to rip them off. Funny enough I did last to 6 months with an ISFJ 6 girlfriend. We fought like every other day and I think that is what kept me interested for so long.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by badger055 View Post
    I don't like Ni doms I can't go back there. If I have to hear everything is love or talk of all of us being connected on a universal scale one more time I will lose my mind. You are right though she does need to be too busy for me but I think just having someone attached to my emotions in general is annoying to me. I sort of feel like they don't naturally belong there and I want to rip them off. Funny enough I did last to 6 months with an ISFJ 6 girlfriend. We fought like every other day and I think that is what kept me interested for so long.
    they don't ever talk like that around me...

    Ni users are just like Se users except a little more vague when they talk.

    Ne users are the ones who are always talking about the "cosmic whole" and "collective unconscious" and ugh

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by DJ Arendee View Post
    they don't ever talk like that around me...

    Ni users are just like Se users except a little more vague when they talk.

    Ne users are the ones who are always talking about the "cosmic whole" and "collective unconscious" and ugh
    Infjs are your shadow type so that's probably why you like them more. Ni annoys my Ti. Ni just assumes patterns there is no critical or original thought. Ni is spiritual which is irrational which annoys me. The vagueness gets old after awhile its the opposite way I view things. They also lack willpower or a strong sense of self.

    Hmm i wanted to try dating an Ne type next. At least with Ne users like enfps I can relate to the chaos of their Ne and I can beat the crap out of their Fi and they will like it.

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