[ISFP] Dealing with ISFP's

[Azure Flame]

How come having a relationship with an ISFP is like reliving the notebook?

Can someone explain this to me?

Is it possible to meet an ISFP who doesn't flip out when things are getting interesting? My experience is telling me its impossible.

 

[chickpea]

What do you mean by "interesting"? Maybe they're flipping out for a reason. Are you throwing more iPods?

 

[RaptorWizard]

I thought ISFP is supposed to be one of those types that's much more intricate and perhaps even having self-contradictory qualities.

I thought they're supposed to often like action, but also like peace.

Then some of them are highly artistic and have good eyes for beauty.

And then they're supposed to be big-time individualists a lot, doing their own thing right?

And lastly, I thought many of them can look much more plain on the exterior in exuberance, but much more alive inside.

Gosh, I'm sure that could produce for much diversity. No wonder you would have a hard time coming to a good understanding.

Personally though, I much prefer the idea of universal acceptance over scary-deep understanding and judgment.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah you really have no business "educating" people on the various types.

you label anyone who takes issue with you as being defective.

 

[Forever_Jung]

How come having a relationship with an ISFP is like reliving the notebook?

Can someone explain this to me?

Is it possible to meet an ISFP who doesn't flip out when things are getting interesting? My experience is telling me its impossible.

You seem to meet a lot of unreasonable people in your travels.

Anyway, I'm not sure what you mean by flipping out when things get interesting.

Can you give me an example?

 

[Azure Flame]

You seem to meet a lot of unreasonable people in your travels.

Anyway, I'm not sure what you mean by flipping out when things get interesting.

Can you give me an example?

Ever seen the notebook?

Ok real life example. We go out to dinner at this bar together wearing leather jackets. her hands are all over me, we sit down under the neon lights looking out the window at the street drinking our beers together and toast to looking forward to a good year. We cuddle up some, it was the perfect night. I told her she's a lot of fun to spend time with and she returned the compliment and we just sat together in silence with her head on my shoulder for 30 minutes or so. We get back to her place, she invites me in, we sit on the couch together. She asks me if I ever saw this one movie. I said, "I've never seen that one before." She freezes and gives me this death glare and says, "do you even want to?" I look up at her confused and say, "I'd love to." Then she just walks over to the sink and sits there brooding. Then she comes back over and sits down on the couch and starts telling me about how she lost her parents and 4/5's of her family is dead and this and that and then suddenly she's giving me this lecture on how I should tell my family I love them and the whole time I'm just like "wtf is going on?" and then she gets in a pissy mood and goes to her room and tells me to sleep on the couch.

lol. Night ruined. And this happened like 4 times in a row until I eventually gave up.

I've experienced this with 1 other ISFP as well. I also read that ESI's tend to do this in socionics because "they are unsure of their feelings" and push people away when they get too close.

So my question is, how am I supposed to deal with this behavior?

 

[Azure Flame]

I thought ISFP is supposed to be one of those types that's much more intricate and perhaps even having self-contradictory qualities.

I thought they're supposed to often like action, but also like peace.

Then some of them are highly artistic and have good eyes for beauty.

And then they're supposed to be big-time individualists a lot, doing their own thing right?

And lastly, I thought many of them can look much more plain on the exterior in exuberance, but much more alive inside.

Gosh, I'm sure that could produce for much diversity. No wonder you would have a hard time coming to a good understanding.

Personally though, I much prefer the idea of universal acceptance over scary-deep understanding and judgment.

Yes. They're very complex and intense. That's why I love them so much. But... they're also a complete mystery to me. I've dated a few other ISFP's and its usually the same story over and over.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

Ever seen the notebook?

Ok real life example. We go out to dinner at this bar together wearing leather jackets. her hands are all over me, we sit down under the neon lights looking out the window at the street drinking our beers together and toast to looking forward to a good year. We cuddle up some, it was the perfect night. I told her she's a lot of fun to spend time with and she returned the compliment and we just sat together in silence with her head on my shoulder for 30 minutes or so. We get back to her place, she invites me in, we sit on the couch together. She asks me if I ever saw this one movie. I said, "I've never seen that one before." She freezes and gives me this death glare and says, "do you even want to?" I look up at her confused and say, "I'd love to." Then she just walks over to the sink and sits there brooding. Then she comes back over and sits down on the couch and starts telling me about how she lost her parents and 4/5's of her family is dead and this and that and then suddenly she's giving me this lecture on how I should tell my family I love them and the whole time I'm just like "wtf is going on?" and then she gets in a pissy mood and goes to her room and tells me to sleep on the couch.

I've experienced this with 1 other ISFP as well. I also read that ESI's tend to do this in socionics because "they are unsure of their feelings" and push people away when they get too close.

So my question is, how am I supposed to deal with this behavior?

Maybe something about the movie or the situation reminded her of her family situation.

How long have you two been dating? She may be uncertain in how she feels about you as well. ISFPs like to take their time to get to know people. Letting pieces slowly fall into place. We'll really like this one piece and this one other piece. And then there may be a piece that makes us uncertain. We like to see if there may be other pieces that we may like, and worry there may be other pieces we don't like.

At least, that's how it is for me.

 

[Azure Flame]

Maybe something about the movie or the situation reminded her of her family situation.

How long have you two been dating? She may be uncertain in how she feels about you as well. ISFPs like to take their time to get to know people. Letting pieces slowly fall into place. We'll really like this one piece and this one other piece. And then there may be a piece that makes us uncertain. We like to see if there may be other pieces that we may like, and worry there may be other pieces we don't like.

At least, that's how it is for me.

9 months.

That was 9 months of hugging and anything more than that was flipout worthy. And telling her I liked her was against the rules. *shoots self*

lmao, looking back the whole thing was ridiculous. The reason I bring this up is because she just texted me last night to see how I was doing after 6 months of not talking to one another. Apparently her reason for fighting with me that one day was so... I wouldn't be her friend anymore.... because she cared about me and she hurts people or some shit.

I'm like... wait what?

 

[Sunny Ghost]

9 months.

That was 9 months of hugging and anything more than that was flipout worthy. And telling her I liked her was against the rules.

Wait... so... are you, or are you guys not dating then??

Maybe she's just not that into you?

Or, she has trouble with intimacy. Lack of experience, was hurt once before/baggage, traumatizing experience... ?

 

[Azure Flame]

Wait... so... are you, or are you guys not dating then??

Maybe she's just not that into you?

Or, she has trouble with intimacy. Lack of experience, was hurt once before/baggage, traumatizing experience... ?

I think she had intimacy issues. She said we weren't dating, but she'd buy me dinners all the time, and I her, and the way she looked at me... "friends" don't look at me like that.

She likes to make it confusing. According to her we're only friends. But her actions and conversation topics completely contradict that. for example, she and I were standing outside of my new apartment.

Me: Here it is
her: do you have room mates?
me: yeah, a couple, they're pretty cool
her: how will you have sex?
me: uh... where there's a will there's a way.
her: *disapproving face*

And this wasn't a one time occurrence. I'd say 90% of our conversations were these strawman sexual discussions between me and my hypothetical non-existent girlfriend, and how she's hoping her non-existent hypothetical boyfriend decides to move in with her soon, etc. lol. And then when I tell her things like, "woman, just come out and say what you mean to my face and quit hiding behind a wall" and she just flips out on me and we don't talk until she calls me up 2 months later crying telling me she's attracted to me and she's sorry she did that etc.

 

[Forever_Jung]

Thanks for the example, I have only seen bits and pieces of the Notebook, so I wasn't sure.

Then she comes back over and sits down on the couch and starts telling me about how she lost her parents and 4/5's of her family is dead and this and that and then suddenly she's giving me this lecture on how I should tell my family I love them and the whole time I'm just like "wtf is going on?" and then she gets in a pissy mood and goes to her room and tells me to sleep on the couch

The bolded seems like the critical juncture and you gloss over it in your account. Now it's pretty hard to get a coherent picture from these kind of stories. You don't hear prosody, see facial expressions, you don't have a history with the people in the story--it's hard to judge. But if I'm being honest, this is kind of how you sound to me:

So I'm totally making it with this girl, we go back to her place, we're making a connection, she starts opening up to me, talking about her dead parents and shit, blah, blah, something about love, blah, blah, some more nonsense, and then BOOM! She's pissed at me.

I could totally be wrong, and I'm sorry if that assessment above sounds unfair, but I find people make sense, even if it's difficult to see that on first blush. The way you're describing her, she sounds positively insane. I'm inclined to think that you're missing something here.

It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection. Maybe you're not the kindred spirits she thought you were.

Does that make sense? For her it was an intimacy litmus test.

Edit: She's been hurt/afraid to get hurt and is testing you in absurd and immature ways. Sounds phobic sixish, actually.

Again, I could be way off base.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

[MENTION=10984]DJ Arendee[/MENTION]

Either A.) She really just wants to be friends. However, my experience is that there normally is a degree of sexual tension between male and female friends. I don't know if this is an insecurity issue, or an ISFP thing, or even an enneagram thing... but I have a tendency to want my male friends to find me attractive. And I may even be attracted to them. ...to some degree. But have no desire to actually pursue it further.

B.) She really does like you but wants you to make the move.

 

[Azure Flame]

Thanks for the example, I have only seen bits and pieces of the Notebook, so I wasn't sure.



The bolded seems like the critical juncture and you gloss over it in your account. Now it's pretty hard to get a coherent picture from these kind of stories. You don't hear prosody, see facial expressions, you don't have a history with the people in the story--it's hard to judge. But if I'm being honest, this is kind of how you sound to me:

So I'm totally making it with this girl, we go back to her place, we're making a connection, she starts opening up to me, talking about her dead parents and shit, blah, blah, something about love, blah, blah, some more nonsense, and then BOOM! She's pissed at me.

I could totally be wrong, and I'm sorry if that assessment above sounds unfair, but I find people make sense, even if it's difficult to see that on first blush. The way you're describing her, she sounds positively insane. I'm inclined to think that you're missing something here.

It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response or reception, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection. Maybe you're not the kindred spirits she thought you were.

Does that make sense?

oh believe me I've thought about what I did wrong.

As far as I can tell, she got insecure because I didn't immediately tell her I wanted to watch a movie that meant a lot to her. I just told her, "I haven't seen it."

As far as the family thing goes, the very first night she brought me back to her place we were sitting on the couch talking with a glass of wine in our hands. The conversation got to a point where I revealed i'm a christian and I've only slept with 1 girl in my life.

Ever since then there's been issues. Except one point where I told her the rest of my family are atheists, and she suddenly was like "wait WAAAAAT?"

 

[Azure Flame]

[MENTION=10984]DJ Arendee[/MENTION]

Either A.) She really just wants to be friends. However, my experience is that there normally is a degree of sexual tension between male and female friends. I don't know if this is an insecurity issue, or an ISFP thing, or even an enneagram thing... but I have a tendency to want my male friends to find me attractive. And I may even be attracted to them. ...to some degree. But have no desire to actually pursue it further.

B.) She really does like you but wants you to make the move.

wow. ok if A is the issue, then problem solved. Yes there was sexual tension. A LOT. I yelled at her several times because she wanted to be friends and I told her, "I CAN"T DO THAT WHEN *SEXUAL TENSION OVERHEATING*"

That was the most extreme sexual tension I've ever experienced with a "friend." She even complained that is was difficult for her. lmao.

Really? Then lets just fucking do something about it, friend. I even suggested that as a solution and she was like, "no, I only do that in relationships."

Frankly it was torture. If that's all it was, then I have no further questions. Case closed.

Still doesn't explain the hypothetical discussions we constantly had.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

I also second what [MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION] jung said. You may have just rubbed her the wrong way in that moment.

But if it's a repetitive issue, then she probably has little desire to pursue a relationship with you. That doesn't necessarily discount an attraction. It's weird and twisted, and one of the reasons I thought I was an SX. I'll flirt with my male friends, tell them how cute they are, or that I'd date them if it weren't for this reason or that reason.

And then they'll try to ask me out or flirt back a little too hard, and suddenly I back off and want nothing to do with it.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

I also second what [MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION] jung said. You may have just rubbed her the wrong way in that moment.

But if it's a repetitive issue, then she probably has little desire to pursue a relationship with you. That doesn't necessarily discount an attraction. It's weird and twisted, and one of the reasons I thought I was an SX. I'll flirt with my male friends, tell them how cute they are, or that I'd date them if it weren't for this reason or that reason.

And then they'll try to ask me out or flirt back a little too hard, and suddenly I back off and want nothing to do with it.

 

[highlander]

It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection.

That's the way I read it.

I was with an ISFP in college for a few years and she was quite emotional. So that idea or theme sounds consistent. She was in no way crazy like you're making that girl sound. The only practical advice I can think of is to work on empathetic listening skills.

 

[RDF]

I dated an ISFP one time. We met on the beach, chatted all afternoon, then met again that evening for dinner and drinks.

Over after-dinner drinks, the date was going fine, but I kind of registered that I was being too intellectual and wasn’t getting to the romance quick enough. I think she registered it too. Out of nowhere her mood changed and she started getting all negative and going off about one thing or another. She started ranting about something angrily; I figured the date was a lost cause at that point, so I just leaned across the table and kissed her on the mouth.

That did the trick; all of a sudden she was sweet and purring again. Pretty soon we were making out in a cab on the way to her place.

Anyway, the way I figure it was that she had some kind of Fi picture in her head concerning how the date would go. When I spent too much time intellectualizing, she took that as a rejection, i.e., that I wasn’t romantically interested in her. So at that point she started bailing out of the date emotionally. My desperation kiss turned that around.

YMMV, of course. That’s just one experience in isolation, the only past girlfriend that I’m pretty sure was an ISFP.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I LOVE LOVE LOVE ISFPs. Even the ones I'm not sure about.