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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by IndyAnnaJoan View Post
    Wait... so... are you, or are you guys not dating then??

    Maybe she's just not that into you?

    Or, she has trouble with intimacy. Lack of experience, was hurt once before/baggage, traumatizing experience... ?
    I think she had intimacy issues. She said we weren't dating, but she'd buy me dinners all the time, and I her, and the way she looked at me... "friends" don't look at me like that.

    She likes to make it confusing. According to her we're only friends. But her actions and conversation topics completely contradict that. for example, she and I were standing outside of my new apartment.

    Me: Here it is
    her: do you have room mates?
    me: yeah, a couple, they're pretty cool
    her: how will you have sex?
    me: uh... where there's a will there's a way.
    her: *disapproving face*

    And this wasn't a one time occurrence. I'd say 90% of our conversations were these strawman sexual discussions between me and my hypothetical non-existent girlfriend, and how she's hoping her non-existent hypothetical boyfriend decides to move in with her soon, etc. lol. And then when I tell her things like, "woman, just come out and say what you mean to my face and quit hiding behind a wall" and she just flips out on me and we don't talk until she calls me up 2 months later crying telling me she's attracted to me and she's sorry she did that etc.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Thanks for the example, I have only seen bits and pieces of the Notebook, so I wasn't sure.

    Then she comes back over and sits down on the couch and starts telling me about how she lost her parents and 4/5's of her family is dead and this and that and then suddenly she's giving me this lecture on how I should tell my family I love them and the whole time I'm just like "wtf is going on?" and then she gets in a pissy mood and goes to her room and tells me to sleep on the couch
    The bolded seems like the critical juncture and you gloss over it in your account. Now it's pretty hard to get a coherent picture from these kind of stories. You don't hear prosody, see facial expressions, you don't have a history with the people in the story--it's hard to judge. But if I'm being honest, this is kind of how you sound to me:

    So I'm totally making it with this girl, we go back to her place, we're making a connection, she starts opening up to me, talking about her dead parents and shit, blah, blah, something about love, blah, blah, some more nonsense, and then BOOM! She's pissed at me.

    I could totally be wrong, and I'm sorry if that assessment above sounds unfair, but I find people make sense, even if it's difficult to see that on first blush. The way you're describing her, she sounds positively insane. I'm inclined to think that you're missing something here.

    It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

    The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection. Maybe you're not the kindred spirits she thought you were.

    Does that make sense? For her it was an intimacy litmus test.

    Edit: She's been hurt/afraid to get hurt and is testing you in absurd and immature ways. Sounds phobic sixish, actually.

    Again, I could be way off base.

  3. #13
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    @DJ Arendee

    Either A.) She really just wants to be friends. However, my experience is that there normally is a degree of sexual tension between male and female friends. I don't know if this is an insecurity issue, or an ISFP thing, or even an enneagram thing... but I have a tendency to want my male friends to find me attractive. And I may even be attracted to them. ...to some degree. But have no desire to actually pursue it further.

    B.) She really does like you but wants you to make the move.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    Thanks for the example, I have only seen bits and pieces of the Notebook, so I wasn't sure.



    The bolded seems like the critical juncture and you gloss over it in your account. Now it's pretty hard to get a coherent picture from these kind of stories. You don't hear prosody, see facial expressions, you don't have a history with the people in the story--it's hard to judge. But if I'm being honest, this is kind of how you sound to me:

    So I'm totally making it with this girl, we go back to her place, we're making a connection, she starts opening up to me, talking about her dead parents and shit, blah, blah, something about love, blah, blah, some more nonsense, and then BOOM! She's pissed at me.

    I could totally be wrong, and I'm sorry if that assessment above sounds unfair, but I find people make sense, even if it's difficult to see that on first blush. The way you're describing her, she sounds positively insane. I'm inclined to think that you're missing something here.

    It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

    The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response or reception, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection. Maybe you're not the kindred spirits she thought you were.

    Does that make sense?
    oh believe me I've thought about what I did wrong.

    As far as I can tell, she got insecure because I didn't immediately tell her I wanted to watch a movie that meant a lot to her. I just told her, "I haven't seen it."

    As far as the family thing goes, the very first night she brought me back to her place we were sitting on the couch talking with a glass of wine in our hands. The conversation got to a point where I revealed i'm a christian and I've only slept with 1 girl in my life.

    Ever since then there's been issues. Except one point where I told her the rest of my family are atheists, and she suddenly was like "wait WAAAAAT?"

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by IndyAnnaJoan View Post
    @DJ Arendee

    Either A.) She really just wants to be friends. However, my experience is that there normally is a degree of sexual tension between male and female friends. I don't know if this is an insecurity issue, or an ISFP thing, or even an enneagram thing... but I have a tendency to want my male friends to find me attractive. And I may even be attracted to them. ...to some degree. But have no desire to actually pursue it further.

    B.) She really does like you but wants you to make the move.
    wow. ok if A is the issue, then problem solved. Yes there was sexual tension. A LOT. I yelled at her several times because she wanted to be friends and I told her, "I CAN"T DO THAT WHEN *SEXUAL TENSION OVERHEATING*"

    That was the most extreme sexual tension I've ever experienced with a "friend." She even complained that is was difficult for her. lmao.

    Really? Then lets just fucking do something about it, friend. I even suggested that as a solution and she was like, "no, I only do that in relationships."

    Frankly it was torture. If that's all it was, then I have no further questions. Case closed.

    Still doesn't explain the hypothetical discussions we constantly had.

  6. #16
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    I also second what @Forever jung said. You may have just rubbed her the wrong way in that moment.

    But if it's a repetitive issue, then she probably has little desire to pursue a relationship with you. That doesn't necessarily discount an attraction. It's weird and twisted, and one of the reasons I thought I was an SX. I'll flirt with my male friends, tell them how cute they are, or that I'd date them if it weren't for this reason or that reason.

    And then they'll try to ask me out or flirt back a little too hard, and suddenly I back off and want nothing to do with it.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  7. #17
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    I also second what @Forever jung said. You may have just rubbed her the wrong way in that moment.

    But if it's a repetitive issue, then she probably has little desire to pursue a relationship with you. That doesn't necessarily discount an attraction. It's weird and twisted, and one of the reasons I thought I was an SX. I'll flirt with my male friends, tell them how cute they are, or that I'd date them if it weren't for this reason or that reason.

    And then they'll try to ask me out or flirt back a little too hard, and suddenly I back off and want nothing to do with it.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  8. #18
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forever_Jung View Post
    It seems like that whatever she had said was very important to her, and you responded inappropriately (in her mind). I'm not saying she SHOULD have expected you to get it, or what she said made sense, but I get why she might be upset anyway.

    The way I read it, she really was getting into you, so she divulged something super personal and intimate with you, hoping for a certain kind of response, or maybe just someone who listens well, and whatever you did or didn't do killed the connection.
    That's the way I read it.

    I was with an ISFP in college for a few years and she was quite emotional. So that idea or theme sounds consistent. She was in no way crazy like you're making that girl sound. The only practical advice I can think of is to work on empathetic listening skills.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  9. #19
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    I dated an ISFP one time. We met on the beach, chatted all afternoon, then met again that evening for dinner and drinks.

    Over after-dinner drinks, the date was going fine, but I kind of registered that I was being too intellectual and wasn’t getting to the romance quick enough. I think she registered it too. Out of nowhere her mood changed and she started getting all negative and going off about one thing or another. She started ranting about something angrily; I figured the date was a lost cause at that point, so I just leaned across the table and kissed her on the mouth.

    That did the trick; all of a sudden she was sweet and purring again. Pretty soon we were making out in a cab on the way to her place.

    Anyway, the way I figure it was that she had some kind of Fi picture in her head concerning how the date would go. When I spent too much time intellectualizing, she took that as a rejection, i.e., that I wasn’t romantically interested in her. So at that point she started bailing out of the date emotionally. My desperation kiss turned that around.

    YMMV, of course. That’s just one experience in isolation, the only past girlfriend that I’m pretty sure was an ISFP.

  10. #20
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    I LOVE LOVE LOVE ISFPs. Even the ones I'm not sure about.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

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