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  1. #1
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    Default INTJ needs help providing emotional support to ISTP

    Hi!

    My ISTP friend came to me for emotional support. I'm really not sure how to handle it.

    My ISTP friend is not known for talking to anybody when he's upset. He's pretty infamous for bottling things up and disappearing. I'm afraid if I handle this in my usual blunt manner, he'll disappear off the face of the planet for a bit, never to ask for help again....

    His problem: He tells Girl he does not want a relationship, just cuddly-sexy times. Girl enjoys cuddly-sexy times. She likes the cuddly times in particular. She thinks maybe he doesn't really mean it when he says all he wants is cuddly-sexy times. She asks to define the relationship. He declares them just friends. She gets hurt, angry and confused. He tells her he spelled out he doesn't want a relationship from the very beginning.

    When he talked to me, he was upset because he always finds his way into these situations.

    It's true too. I've lost track of the number of girls that have ended up like this since we've been friends. When things end with them, he's always upset for a bit. He keeps being blunter and blunter with them in the beginning, but then does stuff like invite them to dinner with his family. I don't blame the girls for getting confused. I would get confused too.

    So ISTPs, when you actually do go to a friend with emotional type stuff, do you just want them to just listen? Or can you handle a little blunt feedback if the friend thinks you are partially at fault? Am I supposed to follow up and ask him how he is doing or let him pretend he never opened up about this?

    I'm an INTJ girl. Please help.

  2. #2
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    I don't go to anyone for emotional anything. I turn to inanimate objects like blogs, or pot.

    If I did turn to a human, I would probably be recreating the experience of sharing myself with an inanimate object.

    Odds are, his logic, "I tell them I don't want a girlfirend, ergo, I don't want a girfriend" is irrefutable. I don't know if addressing that particularly will serve any benefit; it gets no simpler.

    I ended a relationship with a girl I was seeing for a long time recently, and afterwards, I was dating a fair deal of women. On top of being so recently single, most women were 'below' my expectations for a serious girlfriend, so I would tell them up front about my situation, and that I would not be looking for anything serious, just fun platonic dating. But girls would still get sad/mad if I didn't want to see them, or whatever else came with the territory... one even made me a 'personal challenge', a "mountain to climb". She really blew up one night I didn't text her back. So I stopped dating altogether. It was hard, emotionally, dealing with it all.

    At the time, if I would have talked to someone about how I felt and they questioned my ways, I would have told you I was blameless, that interpersonal relationships are just sticky, and people are ill-equipped to emotionally adhere to rational explanaton. I don't think I would have been swayed far from the rationale I laid out earlier.

    He probably doesn't expect counseling.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Listen to him, let him rant, perhaps if you have the chance, provide some helpful feedback like mentioning the family dinner thing so he can learn from his experiences, but do not try to fix it for him and expect him to follow your advice. No point in setting yourself up for frustration and disapointment.

    Do not ask him about this stuff or initiate the topic but do follow up on him by asking him to go *do* stuff together and hang out. It ll make him feel less isolated without being put on the spot or limited in his freedom.

    Lastly, fair warning:

    Expect him to either treat you like one of the guys if this counselling turns into a bond and IF you guys have chemistry, he might turn to you for cuddles/sex as he ll feel at ease and like you understand where he is at. So know what you are potentially getting yourself into. Have fun with your istp
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  4. #4
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    We aren't really that different from INTJs, or from other humans.

    But anyway, in this instance I really don't think he wants "emotional support" at all. He's very obviously not venting emotions to you - he's mentioning a frequent frustration. I'd be far more annoyed if you were all "oh poor you, I feel for you" than if you were all "maybe you shouldn't lead them on then, you moron". Advice isn't always welcomed or followed, but this is a clear opening for you to share your opinion.
    -end of thread-

  5. #5
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    to add onto that and make things a little more personal, I've been exactly where he is, and it's incredibly annoying to realize that some people (COUGH NFs COUGH) don't take you at your word when you explicitly tell them what you intend, they insist on reading what they want to see in your actions. But it's just something you have to learn about - not everyone is as straightforward as ISTPs usually are. Few people are, in fact.

    So you have to make a special effort to ensure that your actions can't be interpreted in a way you don't intend, yes even if you flat-out tell people that your actions don't mean that, they will ignore you and assume you're "too shy to share your true feelings" or some BS.
    -end of thread-

  6. #6
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    I echo what super and random have already said. Just seems like frustration of others creating expectations of him when he feels he's being clear to prevent those expectations from being formed in the first place. I'd hardly call this a plea for emotional support.



  7. #7
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fractals View Post
    Hi!

    My ISTP friend came to me for emotional support. I'm really not sure how to handle it.

    My ISTP friend is not known for talking to anybody when he's upset. He's pretty infamous for bottling things up and disappearing. I'm afraid if I handle this in my usual blunt manner, he'll disappear off the face of the planet for a bit, never to ask for help again....

    His problem: He tells Girl he does not want a relationship, just cuddly-sexy times. Girl enjoys cuddly-sexy times. She likes the cuddly times in particular. She thinks maybe he doesn't really mean it when he says all he wants is cuddly-sexy times. She asks to define the relationship. He declares them just friends. She gets hurt, angry and confused. He tells her he spelled out he doesn't want a relationship from the very beginning.

    When he talked to me, he was upset because he always finds his way into these situations.

    It's true too. I've lost track of the number of girls that have ended up like this since we've been friends. When things end with them, he's always upset for a bit. He keeps being blunter and blunter with them in the beginning, but then does stuff like invite them to dinner with his family. I don't blame the girls for getting confused. I would get confused too.

    So ISTPs, when you actually do go to a friend with emotional type stuff, do you just want them to just listen? Or can you handle a little blunt feedback if the friend thinks you are partially at fault? Am I supposed to follow up and ask him how he is doing or let him pretend he never opened up about this?

    I'm an INTJ girl. Please help.
    Explain that cuddle/sexy times does not include dinner with the family. It's perfectly acceptable to tell him about WHY this is happening all the time to him so he can see that and curb that. He's already verbally being clear but his actions are a little gray. Keep it to late night visits and he won't have as much of this as an issue.

    If he's coming to you for advice - he wants honest feedback and is genuinely perplexed.

    Shed light but let it be known there's nothing wrong with not wanting more but he needs to be more diligent with keeping that boundary and not letting it go into girlfriend territory as its not "fair" to them. We pride ourselves on fairness. If you explain the reasoning behind it I'm sure a light will go off.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  8. #8
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    Thanks everybody,

    This is super helpful.

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