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  1. #1
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    Question ESTP - Commitment Issues?

    Someone told me recently that I have commitment issues. I looked it up and thought to myself, 'hey, that could very well be'.

    The thought of settling down with one job or one person forever is daunting. The job part isn't too difficult as it's okay to move around every few years or so. The person thing could be trickier.

    I think it may have to do with a quote I read in these forums: I like shiny, but I'm always on the lookout, or at least wondering if there's a shinier shiny.

    Do you have any experience on commitment issues with certain types? Any advice?

  2. #2
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    My best friend is ESTP and he does seem to have a commitment thing. The flip side is that his culture is REALLY big on family stuff, so he wants to start a family with the girlfriend he's with as soon as possible.

    One day he's telling me she's the one, the next day he's saying he can't see her as being the one. I've known her and she's a total keeper in all regards - good job, very supportive, phyiscally attractive, ISxJ I think..... great match for him, but he's always wavering about it.

    Not sure what to tell ya advice wise, just lettin ya know you're not the only one. how old are you? Regardless of type, I don't think anyone should be getting married in their 20s in this day and age

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    My best friend is ESTP and he does seem to have a commitment thing. The flip side is that his culture is REALLY big on family stuff, so he wants to start a family with the girlfriend he's with as soon as possible.

    One day he's telling me she's the one, the next day he's saying he can't see her as being the one. I've known her and she's a total keeper in all regards - good job, very supportive, phyiscally attractive, ISxJ I think..... great match for him, but he's always wavering about it.
    I wish I understood ESTPs better. And I'm afraid to say much because I don't want to say something cliche or stereotypical but wrong.

    I just notice that ESTP males I've known or read about have tended to have commitment issues. Maybe not in keeping with the outward appearance of their marriages, they do seem to believe in group loyalty and team spirit and sticking things out and "keeping promises" overtly; but I've seen a larger proportion of them either stray literally when affairs present themselves or to neglect the emotional/abstracted parts of their relationships, iow neglecting the emotional needs of their wives or downplaying them in order to follow their own bliss. I don't know enough female ESTPs to see if the pattern appears there too.

    Not sure what to tell ya advice wise, just lettin ya know you're not the only one. how old are you? Regardless of type, I don't think anyone should be getting married in their 20s in this day and age
    Uh..... why?

    (And especially why are you making a blanket statement that crosses all type and gender and cultural differences?)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  4. #4
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    (And especially why are you making a blanket statement that crosses all type and gender and cultural differences?)
    I'm just cynical about marriages that begin with younger people that understand little about themselves where one or both partners haven't done the things they really NEED to do before settling down. Of course there's exceptions, but anytime I see a couple in their 20s getting married I quietly think to myself "There's a divorce waiting to go off like a time bomb"

    EDIT: althoug hyou're right about the culture thing. I've never seen a young married Japanese couple and thought the same thing, it's just the crumbling institution of marriage in the US that has me generalizing I suppose

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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    I'm just cynical about marriages that begin with younger people that understand little about themselves where one or both partners haven't done the things they really NEED to do before settling down. Of course there's exceptions, but anytime I see a couple in their 20s getting married I quietly think to myself "There's a divorce waiting to go off like a time bomb"
    Well, I think that about very young 20's ("What on earth are they doing?") but your range includes 29 year olds... and I'm thinking definitely by then people should be able to handle commitment.

    I'm also thinking childhood/teen years and the stability of one's family growing up impacts how early one can handle personal LT commitment. Kids who have good parents and have been allowed to explore and understand their own desires and needs and accept them are prepped for stability in a LTR; those who had had to suppress their own needs or still have lots of things incomplete in their lives will have much more to overcome in a LTR and are more likely to choose "bad" partners.

    EDIT: althoug hyou're right about the culture thing. I've never seen a young married Japanese couple and thought the same thing, it's just the crumbling institution of marriage in the US that has me generalizing I suppose
    The idea of "face" in Asian culture seems to have the same effect as the old Judeo-Christian beliefs did in the US -- you weren't allowed to divorce, socially, so you had to make it work or lose lots of clout. Cultures where a marriage is also more of a business relationship (i.e., maintaining a household together) rather than mostly a vehicle for romantic love also tend to preserve the unions more easily.

    ... so how do ESTPs and general outlook fit into all that? (trying to tie things back. )
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  6. #6
    Senior Member "?"'s Avatar
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    I think that this may be a SP thing all together, with the exception of the ISFP. From personalitypage.com:
    Commitment is not a strong point for the ESTP. Living almost entirely in the present moment, they're not comfortable with making plans far in advance for their future. If this tendency is not addressed in the ESTP, they may fall into a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship without ever making a real commitment. If this is okay with the ESTP, then that behavior is fine. Most people at some point in their lives do wish to settle down. If the ESTP reaches that point, there's no reason they can't make a commitment as long as they consciously renew it to themselves daily.

    They take things on a day-by-day basis, and are uncomfortable thinking too much about the future, or making plans far in advance. For this reason, ESFPs are not natural long-term commitment people. They may feel tremendously committed on a day-by-day basis, but they do not naturally plan for their futures. This commitment issue is a potential pitfall for the ESFP. Many people of this type overcome this potential weakness, and become involved in truly satisfying, lifelong relationships. Others do not address this weakness, and move from relationship to relationship without forming real commitments, convincing themselves that this is what they truly want.

    ISTPs take their commitments on a day-by-day basis. Even if they say "I do", it usually means "I do for now". They do not like to make lifelong commitments, although they may very well be involved in lifelong relationships which they have taken one day at a time.

    ISFPs are warm and giving people, who have a depth of emotion and caring which is not often obvious to others, except those who know them extremely well. They are usually intense people, who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously. Unlike other SP types, people with the ISFP type desire and seek lifelong, committed relationships.

  7. #7
    Senior Member mcmartinez84's Avatar
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    My best ESTP friend gets talks from his girlfriend every month or so about engagement/settling down - and I can see why it turns into an argument. The future is just so uncertain!! He and I have that exact perspective on the whole thing. She wants to know what she should plan on after she graduates from college, where to go to grad school, should she move in with him, etc. And he's thinking "We'll see what happens when the time comes around"... He's been with her going on 3 years, and faithfully so. He's big on his own family, loves them all to pieces, enjoys the visits and so forth.... Still too much uncertainty when talking about the future.
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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    I'm just cynical about marriages that begin with younger people that understand little about themselves where one or both partners haven't done the things they really NEED to do before settling down. Of course there's exceptions, but anytime I see a couple in their 20s getting married I quietly think to myself "There's a divorce waiting to go off like a time bomb"

    EDIT: althoug hyou're right about the culture thing. I've never seen a young married Japanese couple and thought the same thing, it's just the crumbling institution of marriage in the US that has me generalizing I suppose
    1. If a marriage serves the needs/wants of the two people at the time and gives them what they need at that time, what does it matter if they later grow apart and divorce? It does not make what they had before meaningless or wrong.

    2. Getting married in 20's does not guarntee divorce.

    3. Getting married does not have to automatically stop all types of personal growth.

    4. Different types are going to have different needs in this area.

  9. #9
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    My ESTP brother proposed to his girlfriend last year, and they've just turned 20. I'm pretty sure it's just to stick her in the 'keep net' until he gets bored and finishes the relationship. He's bought her a ring and everything, which is surprising. Normally he's spent all his money within the same week of getting it.

  10. #10
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    Grungemouse, that may be just it... I don't believe in a soul mate, but I do believe that two people can make it work... sometimes its easier then others.

    So, if I (ESTP) am dating someone, I may start thinking, "Is there someone else out there that could be an even greater fit?"... which at some level the person I'm dating is going to be picking up on. No kidding they would start to feel anxious and perhaps insecure.

    Really, I need to be saying, "This is good and the more I'm into this, the greater it'll get." It's about focus, I suppose?

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