So I had an interesting conversation in tinychat about ego boundaries which brought me to a few questions.
When I entered the military I was constantly labelled as having an "Attitude problem."
To me, I was a happy, content dude, very self confident, etc. To everyone else I was... fucked up or something. A dick.
After 5 years I had been repeatedly told I was "arrogant," "self entitled," "bad attitude." Teachers have always hated me in high school and I never understood why. Often times, the only person who had a problem with me was authority. At first I could handle it, but after 5 years it eventually got to me and my self confidence was pretty much ruined and I eventually stopped talking to everyone except for my one close INFP friend.
I had NO IDEA what they were talking about. Its possible they were projecting. I suspect most of the people who accuse me of such things are E3's. But that still doesn't bring about an understanding of what is happening here. They would open me up by telling me I needed to be "humble" and "accept feedback."
So I have a strange dilemma in my life. If I'm open to everyone, people attempt to take advantage of me, and I even get bullied until I close back up and say enough is enough.
When My guard is up, I become very unapproachable, and have to avoid eye contact with people because it shows that I don't recognize them as a person, and they'll almost always take offense and either react or seek to destroy me either through passive aggression or direct attacks.
Both options are destructive on my life in their own way. Either I become disadvantaged in the work place until eventually getting fired, or I become psychologically damaged.
The E8 personal growth says few will try to take advantage of you when you act with love etc.
However, this 'unconditional love' (which I've attempted) also brings about a lot of dependant people into my life, who are rather vampiric on my energy, and get angry and vengeful when I cut off the energy supply (because they drain me).
However there is one thing I've noticed. As many other ESTP's I've spoken to have identified with, When I am "In Love," I often feel "socially indestructible." my confidence skyrockets and I become open and loving with everyone, yet no one can harm me, and these "vampires" seem to flee. But it seems like this isn't a state I can naturally emulate on my own. It comes and goes. I don't think I'm able to make myself feel this way when not in love. So in this sense, love makes me feel secure, confident and safe.
So my questions are thrice:
1. Is there a psychological explanation for what I'm experiencing?
2. Does anyone have any experience or advice for the matter?
3. Why do people have such a problem when I close off to them? What is going on in their mind?