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  1. #41
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by istpunk View Post
    I did that to several personality types that I wished I could know more about and respected. I hope you don't see it as superficial as other work discussions you see. The sad thing is that most of the "good convo" that took place may not extend to further contact.
    That's right. I didn't see it as superficial. ISTPs can be so laconic that their speech consists almost entirely of unforced statements. While I recognize and accept an SP's here-today-gone-tomorrow caprice, honest expressions from ISTPs are unmistakable; and this was one of them.

  2. #42
    Junior Member Sequestered's Avatar
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    This is my favorite thread on the web and over the past several months I've
    returned often to try and "figure out" my ISTP love interest. Yes...much to my dismay that in and of itself is a non sequitur...

    My LDR relationship with him is the strangest relationship I've ever had with
    ANYONE and yet I am drawn to it despite his seeming reticence.

    - The sex is uninhibited and very generous on his part.
    - The compliments, though rare, are genuine.
    - The witty banter is a lot of fun.
    - He's VERY "un-complicated" and doesn't ask for much, doesn't ask for anything of me really.
    - I observe that he can be very flirtatious with other women, but it's
    emotionally shallow, "means" nothing, and he takes it very lightly.
    - "What you see is what you get, take it or leave it" seems to be his attitude.
    - Definitely not perceptive to subtle hints; it's better, I have found through
    trial and error, for me to just come right out & say things, ask questions, seek clarification plain and simple.

    He is "stuck in a rut" right now and, from my perspective, severly depressed. He seems to have built a wall around himself but only won't let "me" in (that's my perception at least). His shallow online flirtations with female (and male)
    friends continue despite the depression , and he describes this as stress relief.

    In May, he lost his dream job; some weeks thereafter he shared with me that he doesn't feel he can give me the attention I deserve with all the stressful things he's facing in his life these days. I only recently discovered that, to him that meant - "let's just be friends for the time being"; I thought that meant he just needs emotional and physical "space." I am giving it to him willingly; we haven't seen each other for 4 months and weeks go by with no e-mails exchanged (we've never talked on the phone). I sought clarification this past weekend when he out of the blue invited me to visit, which subsequently fell through. The clarification conversation revealed that although he was all for hooking up this past weekend, in the greater scheme of things, he really means for us to be friends and that - although he wasn't interested in anyone else - if I met someone else he won't be mad.

    Do any ISTP's in the house have "love" perspectives to share about this?

    Looking back, I suspect he told me this in May (about not being able to give me the attention I deserve) because he can't "show" me his feelings through action and by nature a relationship with him (an ISTP) is dependent upon being able to do that? Since he's broke and depressed he's not in the mood to share any activities together and there's really nothing for "us" to talk about so...? He's looking for work (though to him that seems to mean "thinking" about looking for work). He's broke, but does not seem very motivated to remedy that, and his mother is very ill; she is his prime focus and concern at the moment; secondary focus is - "oh shit, I'm broke, have no job, no education, now what." And so he sits pretty much all day on his computer thinking about what to do next. And I really have no opinion about it other than I wish all of that didn't keep us apart and I wish there was something he would allow me to do help out. Well, there is...I can just be his friend, that's what he says he wants, so that's what I am.

    I would be happy with just a platonic relationship with him (yes, I know the ISTP's of the forum are probably laughing here) ...while he tries to get
    his life back on track (which will take months, perhaps years). The idea of
    having a "platonic" relationship with him makes me laugh now, too, in thinking back at my efforts to have this with him over the 10 months I have "known" him in an LDR.

    I'm sad that our relationship can't progress and that he's not motivated by "me," but I understand that ISTP's need internal motivation, not external. I really like him, accept him for who he is; I respect that he needs times like these to think things thorough. I see this as a positive thing for me since this time gives me, for once, time to think things though as well (whereas my partners and I have historically rushed into a relationship passionately, with lots of emotion).

    Thanks to all the ISTP's on this thread for their perspective, it's helped me hang in there with silent question marks over my head during many months of confusion and hurt feelings. If nothing else, I have gained a great friend in him. He has told me he considers me a dear friend and one of the best people he's ever met - this means a lot more to me coming from an ISTP than any of the other guys I've been involved with I really cherish the times he's actually opened up to me about his feelings, or shared with me "bits" of his inner struggles. To me that shows a lot of trust.

    Any further feedback from ISTP's on their "type" in love and relationships is welcome here.

  3. #43
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    Sequestered - I don't really have anything insightful to say about the state of your relationship in terms of ISTPness. What really stood out though is how depressed he is and therefore lacking in motivation. I don't think anything can be resolved while he is in this state. I think you should try to help him with this just as a friend. As an ISTP, my friends can't convince me to do anything I don't want to - I need to come to the conclusion myself. What they can to is present information that I will then mull over, and make a decision about. When I had postpartum depression my mom gave me some info about it and mentioned some research she had done about it, and I sough treatment. Within weeks I was back to my old self.

    Being broke, having a sick mom and being depressed all affect his ability to have a relationship with you. He needs to take care of that first.

  4. #44
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    Man, if you figure it out, let me know. My ISTP little brother seems to possibly be stuck in the same sort of rut. He told me recently that he read an online article that talked about the signs of "disorganized schizophrenia" and he said like 95 percent of the stuff applied to him. I feel so helpless, all I can do is talk to him online in our usual goofy manner, I don't really know anything I can do, and much like Alicia said, he's not the type that can be talked into anything he doesn't want to do.
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  5. #45
    Just a statistic rhinosaur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sequestered View Post
    The clarification conversation revealed that although he was all for hooking up this past weekend, in the greater scheme of things, he really means for us to be friends and that - although he wasn't interested in anyone else - if I met someone else he won't be mad.

    Do any ISTP's in the house have "love" perspectives to share about this?
    If I read the situation correctly, he means exactly what he says. He would hook up with you, but is not willing to commit to a relationship at this point.

    I know I and some other ISTPs I know find it nearly impossible to maintain long distance relationships, especially when there is no existing relationship to build upon. No amount of long-distance communication can substitute for face-to-face contact. I've tried long distance relationships before, and I cheated.

    I also suspect he's not as depressed as you think he is. Rather, he is unsure what to do, and is stalling.



    I get stuck in ruts, also, but always manage to work my way out of them. I really wouldn't worry, unless he starts lashing out in some fashion. Jeffster, this applies to your brother too.

  6. #46
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rhinosaur View Post
    If I read the situation correctly, he means exactly what he says. He would hook up with you, but is not willing to commit to a relationship at this point.

    I know I and some other ISTPs I know find it nearly impossible to maintain long distance relationships, especially when there is no existing relationship to build upon. No amount of long-distance communication can substitute for face-to-face contact. I've tried long distance relationships before, and I cheated.

    I also suspect he's not as depressed as you think he is. Rather, he is unsure what to do, and is stalling.

    I get stuck in ruts, also, but always manage to work my way out of them. I really wouldn't worry, unless he starts lashing out in some fashion. Jeffster, this applies to your brother too.
    This is spot-on, I agree.

  7. #47
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    I dunno, though. With my brother it seems to have lasted several years. How long does it take to work out of it?
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  8. #48
    Junior Member Sequestered's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeffster View Post
    I dunno, though. With my brother it seems to have lasted several years. How long does it take to work out of it?
    Indeed, inquiring minds wanna know.

    Does it not bother an ISTP who is "conserving motion" that s/he is passing up opportunities to better themselves and their life by refraining from "pursuit"?
    (of anything: career, education, relationships).

    While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

    Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?

  9. #49
    Senior Member aguanile's Avatar
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    Sequestered, do you really believe that anything is possible?

    I think I used to think that, but have been let down enough that I don't anymore.

  10. #50
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    I think you need to stop analyzing him as an ISTP and instead analyzing him as a depressed person. It affects everything.

    While thinking about what to do next, and as a result hovering in "in-action," it seems that smart, capable, ISTP men and women are blowing their chances. This is the land of opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be and have whatever you want to have if you look long and hard enough and pursue it with great vigor!

    Doesn't the ISTP have a spirit of adventure and spontineity? Why not go after things with zeal and try things out without knowing how things will turn out? Why sit and think things through so much and for so long before acting?
    Personally, I'm a go-getter and don't try to conserve energy. I'm at the gym, recently went white-water rafting, run my own business, am always learning new things - and what you are describing to me doesn't seem to the the typical healthy ISTP. Wait until he's well, then take another look.

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