[ISFP] Ask an ISFP

[citizen cane]

I've come to the conclusion that there are only three things that ISFPs cannot effectively manage or give advice on- stress, anger, and time management.

 

[SubtleFighter]

There is an ISFP who is convinced that I am doing something for a reason that's totally opposite of why I'm doing it. Several times, I've tried telling her directly that she is wrong and the real reason behind why I'm doing it, but she won't hear it. Do you have any advice on how I can get her to consider that she read me wrong?

[Edit: 100th post, whoo-hoo!!]

 

[citizen cane]

There is an ISFP who is convinced that I am doing something for a reason that's totally opposite of why I'm doing it. Several times, I've tried telling her directly that she is wrong and the real reason behind why I'm doing it, but she won't hear it. Do you have any advice on how I can get her to consider that she read me wrong?

[Edit: 100th post, whoo-hoo!!]

No, but people insisting they know something about how I'm feeling and them being wrong and not admitting it has to be one of the most aggravating things EVER. Pisses me off.

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

There is an ISFP who is convinced that I am doing something for a reason that's totally opposite of why I'm doing it. Several times, I've tried telling her directly that she is wrong and the real reason behind why I'm doing it, but she won't hear it. Do you have any advice on how I can get her to consider that she read me wrong?

[Edit: 100th post, whoo-hoo!!]

Oh wow... I wish I could help you there. Sometimes I will question a person's motives.... But I tend to keep it to myself. I have no idea what exactly you are talking about... So I can only assume that someone has done it to her or someone she cares about in the past... Or she's seen others do it for the reason she insists on in the past... Or she's done it herself for the reason she insists you are doing it in the past... Have you tried asking her why she insists that you are doing it for the reasons she thinks you are?

 

[BlackCat]

There is an ISFP who is convinced that I am doing something for a reason that's totally opposite of why I'm doing it. Several times, I've tried telling her directly that she is wrong and the real reason behind why I'm doing it, but she won't hear it. Do you have any advice on how I can get her to consider that she read me wrong?

[Edit: 100th post, whoo-hoo!!]

What is it exactly? When I feel that I have enough data and evidence to back up my feelings and vibes about people and things, they will NOT change unless I get different info that will contradict this stuff and/or make me see the certain person differently.

 

[BlackCat]

How do other people get you to open up about your thoughts/feelings?

I'm very similar to @wheelchairdoug on this one. It's like pulling teeth to get me to open up.... The best way to get me to open up is to not nag me to death about it... When I hit a point where I feel comfortable enough about it, I'll open up and talk about it... However, it can take a long time for me to ever feel comfortable about certain things. I've got some pretty dusty skeletons in my closet that haven't seen the light of day for years. There are probably several thoughts in my head that nobody will ever hear about. I'm too afraid of someone judging me for something that happened when I was younger. It would take a lot of reassurance for me to feel comfortable enough to dust off some of my skeletons.

The same goes for me. Some people just "feel" right to me and I open up to them a lot easier, but "normal" people take a long time to open up to.

 

[SubtleFighter]

[MENTION=7420]Chaotic Harmony[/MENTION] and [MENTION=5627]BlackCat[/MENTION], thank you guys for responding (and [MENTION=9913]wheelchairdoug[/MENTION])

The ISFP I'm talking about is my mom. And the situation is that I recently moved out, but when we were living together, she was asking me to do several household chores. It was hard for me to do them because of a medical condition I have, but I told her that I would keep working on trying to do it (after all, I'll need to do household chores the rest of my life). But it's extremely hard for me to do it because of that. She was patient with me originally, but now it's at the point where she's declaring that I've fooled her about the medical condition being an excuse and that in reality I just am passing the chores onto her out of selfishness.

I'm wondering if maybe because the medical condition is not obvious when you look at me, that it's easy for her to not remember it? Also, what makes it worse is that her therapist is encouraging her that I'm just being selfish.

I've told her that I need help to figure out how to do them and that I really do want to figure it out because I'll need to do it the rest of my life, but she just keeps repeating that if I really wanted to do them I'd have figured it out by now. I haven't directly asked her why she thinks I'm doing it out of bad motives, but it seems like just has it in her mind that the medical reason is no excuse and she would have seen changes by now if I was actually sincere. She is really hurt, I'm hurt because of her thinking those things of me, and it's something that hasn't gone away after I moved out.

BlackCat, I think my mom is a lot like what you've described. Do you have any suggestions about what kind of info I can give her that can help me prove it to her? I can't just do the chores. Do you think asking her what she would need to be convinced would help? (Although so far, all she's said to me is basically "just do the chores")

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

[MENTION=12341]SubtleFighter[/MENTION]

Before I read the second paragraph, my first thought was I wonder if the medical condition is obvious to an observer. I would say that is definitely part of the reason she questions you. Unfortunately, at least for me, it can be hard to "take someone's word" when things aren't totally obvious. Is there anything non-physical you could do to try and help out in other ways to show that you really do want to help?

Personally, that therapist shouldn't be telling her that you are being selfish. To me, that's highly unprofessional to make that statement before first speaking with you...

It really sounds like she is just having a hard time understanding your condition.

 

[SubtleFighter]

Before I read the second paragraph, my first thought was I wonder if the medical condition is obvious to an observer. I would say that is definitely part of the reason she questions you. Unfortunately, at least for me, it can be hard to "take someone's word" when things aren't totally obvious. Is there anything non-physical you could do to try and help out in other ways to show that you really do want to help?

Yeah, I've been getting the feeling that she will need some kind of physical evidence before she believes me. I will have to think about what I could do . . . it's a lot harder now that we're not living together, though.

Personally, that therapist shouldn't be telling her that you are being selfish. To me, that's highly unprofessional to make that statement before first speaking with you...

The whole thing is unprofessional. My mom brought me to her therapist so we could try to work on our relationship, but it became obvious that the therapist already had an opinion about me beforehand, and the entire session was them trying to convince me that I was wrong instead of us trying to come together to a mutual understanding. How is that helping? I've refused to go back there.

It really sounds like she is just having a hard time understanding your condition.

Yeah

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

Yeah, I've been getting the feeling that she will need some kind of physical evidence before she believes me. I will have to think about what I could do . . . it's a lot harder now that we're not living together, though.

The whole thing is unprofessional. My mom brought me to her therapist so we could try to work on our relationship, but it became obvious that the therapist already had an opinion about me beforehand, and the entire session was them trying to convince me that I was wrong instead of us trying to come together to a mutual understanding. How is that helping? I've refused to go back there.

Yeah

I don't blame you for not going back. I thought therapists were supposed to keep an open-mind and not pre-judge people. Shame on the therapist for not giving you a fair shot.

 

[SubtleFighter]

I don't blame you for not going back. I thought therapists were supposed to keep an open-mind and not pre-judge people. Shame on the therapist for not giving you a fair shot.

Thanks. And I really appreciate your insights overall

 

[raindancing]

How do you react if someone tries manipulating you? What about if the person is your partner of many years and this is a pattern of the relationship? Would you stay and 'take' it?

I'm thinking of my dad, not sure if he is ISFP or not. Because of the way my mother is, determining his type is kind of tricky... (I realize the situation is highly individual, but still interested in your thoughts and answers)

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

How do you react if someone tries manipulating you? What about if the person is your partner of many years and this is a pattern of the relationship? Would you stay and 'take' it?

I'm thinking of my dad, not sure if he is ISFP or not. Because of the way my mother is, determining his type is kind of tricky... (I realize the situation is highly individual, but still interested in your thoughts and answers)

Sometimes I pick up on manipulations really quick and sometimes it takes me awhile... If I catch it quick I get really angry....but if I don't catch on for awhile then I just wind up being really hurt.

In a relationship, if it was a pattern of manipulation I've been known to give ultimatums... Either it ends or the relationship ends. If someone can't talk to me and tell me what they want/expect from me...then they aren't worth my time. I will admit that I have been weak in some relationships and stuck around longer than I should, but it's never been from manipulation.

 

[countrygirl]

ISFPs,

How do you deal with anger toward people that you care about?

Unfortunately, when I was younger, I'd lash out. It's more of a defensive mechanism because sometimes I tend to take things too personally. Motherhood has changed me significantly.

How do other people get you to open up about your thoughts/feelings?

I would have to be in a mood for talking plus I listen to my gut feelings about the person. I usually takes about knowing a person for two years before I'll go into that territory. I need to know or feel that I am respected.

How do you react if someone tries manipulating you? What about if the person is your partner of many years and this is a pattern of the relationship? Would you stay and 'take' it?

I'm thinking of my dad, not sure if he is ISFP or not. Because of the way my mother is, determining his type is kind of tricky... (I realize the situation is highly individual, but still interested in your thoughts and answers)

When I was single I would of walked out, no second chances. I would not of married my husband if he was manipulative, I just don't care for those kind of games (had them when growing up). I'm a straight forward person and appreicate people who are the same.

 

[highlander]

I would have to be in a mood for talking plus I listen to my gut feelings about the person. I usually takes about knowing a person for two years before I'll go into that territory. I need to know or feel that I am respected.

Two years is a long time.

 

[countrygirl]

LOL.

I don't see the same people every day. There is one very good friend (of 7 years) that I see maybe 3 times a year and she lives across the street from me. That's just how her and my schedule works.

Perhaps I let people in more than I realize.

 

[highlander]

LOL.

I don't see the same people every day. There is one very good friend that I see maybe 3 times a year and she lives across the street from me. That's just how her and my schedule works.

Perhaps I let people in more than I realize.

I knew an ISFP a long time ago who seemed to have a difficult time putting her feelings/thoughts into words. I felt like I was always trying to pull things out of her. That's why I asked the question.

 

[Redbone]

I knew an ISFP a long time ago who seemed to have a difficult time putting her feelings/thoughts into words. I felt like I was always trying to pull things out of her. That's why I asked the question.

From what I have observed, it can be very hard for IXXP to put thoughts into words. I think the SPs are less inclined to even feel the need to do this, so it is good to focus in on their (often subtle) actions. I had to explain to my ISFP son that even though he is often aware of people's moods and feelings, not everyone is like this and encourage him to take some steps to communicate things in words.

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

I knew an ISFP a long time ago who seemed to have a difficult time putting her feelings/thoughts into words. I felt like I was always trying to pull things out of her. That's why I asked the question.

I feel like this statement fits me perfectly. I often get frustrated at not being able to convey what's in my head/heart. Now, because of that, I usually end up snapping at friends/family for trying to pull things out of me... And it's not out of aggravation at them for asking...it's aggravation at myself for not being able to gather my thoughts/feelings and talk about it with others.

 

[citizen cane]

This is almost exactly how/ what I'm thinking when people just keep talking and talking and talking about pointless stuff.

Do any of you have a similar lack of patience for boring pointless small talk?