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  1. #21
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    I'm an INFP dating an ISTP boy right now. It's only been a month, and I'm not sure what to expect. Trying to take it day by day, because otherwise I think I'll go crazy. He doesn't make any promises or declarations. The most romantic he ever is is when he gives surprise gifts or does things for me, like cook dinner. On rare occasions he does compliment me, and when he does, it feels very special. I can really relate to everything people have been saying here about what it's like to be with an ISTP.

    We see each other every weekend and each time, I do feel there is progress in terms of opening up to each other. Some days are better than others. I think we can go whole days without saying a word, just doing our own things and convening in the bedroom for "moments of togetherness".

    He definitely doesn't pursue too hard either. I have a hard time telling whether he's into me or not. He's not very "engaging" or touchy-feely in public. It's strange because he's very masculine and I am very feminine, yet in many ways I feel I have to be the first to initiate things. Which makes it seem less genuine to me. Could an ISTP ever be the passionate "balcony-climbing" Romeo to anyone? Or is that simply not in their character?

  2. #22
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    Could an ISTP ever be the passionate "balcony-climbing" Romeo to anyone?
    Sure. My ISTP friend's wife occasionally tells me about some of the elaborate romantic gestures he made when they were dating. NFs would be proud. This doesn't mean all ISTPs are this way, though.

    I'm ill equipped to offer any real insight into your situation, except to say that if he didn't enjoy your presence he'd likely find others things to do besides be with you. The little gestures are a good sign, as well, as that's how ISTPs often show their caring. If you want to know more, you are better off asking him directly. (Protip: Don't ask about feelings directly, but rather inquire about their thoughts.)

  3. #23
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    I'm an INFP dating an ISTP boy right now. It's only been a month, and I'm not sure what to expect. Trying to take it day by day, because otherwise I think I'll go crazy. He doesn't make any promises or declarations. The most romantic he ever is is when he gives surprise gifts or does things for me, like cook dinner. On rare occasions he does compliment me, and when he does, it feels very special. I can really relate to everything people have been saying here about what it's like to be with an ISTP.
    He's definitely into you. An ISTP only does things like that for people they're genuinely interested in. And I'd almost say in an ISTP's mind... he's putting himself out on a limb for you (if you've only been going out a month). Personally, NFs are foreign territory for me. When I was head-over-heels for an ENFP, I was very cautious around him. I was terrified of doing anything to put myself out there in fear of getting burned. Granted, this was after he unintentionally hurt me early on... He still does not know to this day. Nor will any of you people... You never heard an ISTP say any of this.... Shhhhh....

    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    He definitely doesn't pursue too hard either. I have a hard time telling whether he's into me or not. He's not very "engaging" or touchy-feely in public. It's strange because he's very masculine and I am very feminine, yet in many ways I feel I have to be the first to initiate things. Which makes it seem less genuine to me. Could an ISTP ever be the passionate "balcony-climbing" Romeo to anyone? Or is that simply not in their character?
    Um.... ..... maybe?

    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    I'm ill equipped to offer any real insight into your situation, except to say that if he didn't enjoy your presence he'd likely find others things to do besides be with you. The little gestures are a good sign, as well, as that's how ISTPs often show their caring. If you want to know more, you are better off asking him directly. (Protip: Don't ask about feelings directly, but rather inquire about their thoughts.)
    You know too much....

  4. #24
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    I don't think I've met an ISTP in real life, especially not a female one. I know a female ESTP and a female ISFP and am picturing an ISTP being somewhere in between. I have to say it's the type I know least about.

    I'm sure there are differences in an INFP/ISTP relationship, especially with the S/N, but there are other ways to communicate too. One S friend I have is witty and sarcastic, so am I. So it works! Another S friend loves jokes. So I joke away. It may be like this for ISTP's as well. A few questions for the ISTP's among us:

    -The ESTP girl I know is a whole lot of crazy fun. She loves to be doing something and she's attracted to excitement. She really is a lot of fun. Are ISTP's like that just in a bit smaller dose?

    -What kind of communication style do you like? Direct? Sarcasm? Debating? Who do you have long conversations with?

    -What do you ISTP's value in yourselves? I'm trying to figure out how to identify one IRL.

  5. #25
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    To Steph and Udog: It's definitely reassuring to hear that you guys think my ISTP is genuinely interested in me and pursuing me in his own way. I tend to think so too, except in the long, long stretches between dates, or even during dates, when I don't hear a peep from him about how he *feels* about me. Plenty of quips, emails and texts to be sure, filled with things that make me belly-laugh, but not necessarily beyond what he'd write to a friend, as opposed to a girlfriend. I wonder if I'll ever, ever get him in a love letter writing mode...! Ha, maybe if he was a GI somewhere far away? (There I go... making up romantic fantasies...)

    To an NF who's just used to guys saying "sweet nothings" to her replete with pet names and very obvious, spontaneous physical affection, it's just very odd to be with someone who always leaves me guessing as to whether he'll hold my hand while walking down the street... or not. But yes, I try to keep in mind all the little things he does for me that he wouldn't do if he didn't care. Plus, if it's any indicator, he's certainly spent enough money on dinners and activities with me by now. Very gentlemanly, for sure.

    To Clonester: I have an ISTP girl friend. As a female, she's a bit different from the male ISTPs I know. To start off with similarities, there's a physicality (the opposite of ethereality) to her, the classic Southern Cali golden-skinned beach babe brimming with health. She's very practical and no-nonsense and good with crunching numbers. She loves to be outdoors doing things, not necessarily sweating though. Just out there exploring stores or local places to eat. Definitely more of a homebody than a partygirl.

    She's a natural mother and raising a family has always been one of her goals. She's engaged to an INFJ and he brings out her humorous, mischievous side. She's very, very loyal and has always been the one to contact me first when we easily could have lost touch due to lack of "depth" in our friendship. Her method of communication is direct, honest, and simple. On occasion, she does read very interesting, insightful books and likes to share those insights with others in a concrete, detail-oriented way. Not one to initiate physical affection, from what I've observed, but generally warms up to the INFJ who sometimes literally lunges at her with kisses. Once, he went overboard and she actually threw him off of her like one would an over-eager puppy. That made me laugh.

  6. #26
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    To Steph and Udog: It's definitely reassuring to hear that you guys think my ISTP is genuinely interested in me and pursuing me in his own way. I tend to think so too, except in the long, long stretches between dates, or even during dates, when I don't hear a peep from him about how he *feels* about me. Plenty of quips, emails and texts to be sure, filled with things that make me belly-laugh, but not necessarily beyond what he'd write to a friend, as opposed to a girlfriend. I wonder if I'll ever, ever get him in a love letter writing mode...! Ha, maybe if he was a GI somewhere far away? (There I go... making up romantic fantasies...)

    To an NF who's just used to guys saying "sweet nothings" to her replete with pet names and very obvious, spontaneous physical affection, it's just very odd to be with someone who always leaves me guessing as to whether he'll hold my hand while walking down the street... or not. But yes, I try to keep in mind all the little things he does for me that he wouldn't do if he didn't care. Plus, if it's any indicator, he's certainly spent enough money on dinners and activities with me by now. Very gentlemanly, for sure.
    And this is the problem with INFP-ISTP. The INFP wants a type of emotional communication that the ISTP simply isn't equipped to give. With an INFP, we sort of do romance directly from the heart. With an ISTP, the heart influences the brain, and then the brain may decide to embrace the concept of 'romance', often with impressive efficiency.

    Not one to initiate physical affection, from what I've observed, but generally warms up to the INFJ who sometimes literally lunges at her with kisses. Once, he went overboard and she actually threw him off of her like one would an over-eager puppy. That made me laugh.
    Hehe. You do realize this is almost the exact same thing your BF is doing to you, right?

  7. #27
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    To Clonester: I have an ISTP girl friend. As a female, she's a bit different from the male ISTPs I know. To start off with similarities, there's a physicality (the opposite of ethereality) to her, the classic Southern Cali golden-skinned beach babe brimming with health. She's very practical and no-nonsense and good with crunching numbers. She loves to be outdoors doing things, not necessarily sweating though. Just out there exploring stores or local places to eat. Definitely more of a homebody than a partygirl.

    She's a natural mother and raising a family has always been one of her goals. She's engaged to an INFJ and he brings out her humorous, mischievous side. She's very, very loyal and has always been the one to contact me first when we easily could have lost touch due to lack of "depth" in our friendship. Her method of communication is direct, honest, and simple. On occasion, she does read very interesting, insightful books and likes to share those insights with others in a concrete, detail-oriented way. Not one to initiate physical affection, from what I've observed, but generally warms up to the INFJ who sometimes literally lunges at her with kisses. Once, he went overboard and she actually threw him off of her like one would an over-eager puppy. That made me laugh.
    Wow, very interesting. Actually sounds a lot like the ESTP girl I know. Especially with the love of doing things outdoors and exploring. But an ISTP probably doesn't need to be around people all the time. Maybe less flirty too, perhaps, since the ESTP I know loves to touch guys she likes. All the time. Not that mind.
    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
    "I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger

  8. #28
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Clonester: My best girl friend is an ESTP and my closest cousin is an ISFP.... And yeah, I'd say I'm somewhere in between. I share a lot of similarities with the both of them. Although I'd say ESTPs and ISFPs are both more people-persons than I am. I can be sincere and sensitive to people's needs like an ISFP but that's even in smaller doses (although I do have a "treat others as you'd like to be treated" mentality, so I'm told that while I may not be sensitive, I'm very considerate). I can be fun and outgoing like an ESTP but they come in small doses. I do love adventure and excitement. But ESTPs seek it from people more often than we do, whereas I seek excitement through places and situations. I love traveling and being outside. The ENFP I used to date and I were always explorer buddies... he'd find these crazy places all over the city and we would just wander around together... hills with amazing views, old abandoned bridges, etc, etc... It was a blast, and that was one of the few things we really related on (we were very different obviously).

    Yeah, we definitely prefer direct communication. Reading between the lines is not our strong point (and even if I can guess what a person is getting at, I rather he just verify my suspicions). But I get along with sarcasm just fine. We're very playful people. Keep in mind, when it comes to more emotional type topics, you can't be as direct though... just draw us out with indirect questions (Talk about some topic and how -you- feel about it then ask what I think about that... we'll agree or disagree politely, then expand on it), and we'll warm up to it. Who do I have long conversations with? Anyone that is genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say. Most of the time, I play listener unless people begin asking me questions and seem interested in my answer. I like balanced conversations... just ask us questions if you think you're talking too much! I never was too fond about talking about myself or what I think about things unless asked, and when I am, I'm more than willing to share (like now :P), and that progresses into long conversations about anything and everything under the sun.. with just about anyone.

    What do I value in myself? Um.... erm... Seamaid's friend was a great description first of all. We're down-to-earth, realistic people. People can mistake me for intuitive, but you should be able to rule that out when you hear us talk about our interests. I value that I'm even-tempered, laid-back, and my ability to rationalize things. I'm great with math and programming, and value my ability to problem-solve. I rarely ever confront people in anger. I -live- in my immediate surroundings. I have to touch everything: Plants, different textures in buildings, soft pillows, you name it. I'm reserved, not necessarily shy. I don't like wasting my breath joining in on a conversation I have no interest in. Look for someone that, when they -do- talk, they seem to have a lot to say on the subject (I -think- that's Ti first function... so an INTP does this too). We're playful as all hell. I playfully tease, punch, even wrestle people I'm fond of. I'm super competitive. Other things I value in myself is my ability to just "go with the flow." My independence and freedom is important to me, and I often like living as a free spirit :P

    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    Not one to initiate physical affection, from what I've observed, but generally warms up to the INFJ who sometimes literally lunges at her with kisses. Once, he went overboard and she actually threw him off of her like one would an over-eager puppy. That made me laugh.
    Hilarious. It's a mixture of being embarassed by it, feeling uncomfortable by it, and feeling like our privacy is exposed. We're not so great at the whole affection thing in general, physical or emotional. All of a sudden we're clueless and have no idea how to go about the whole thing. I've been known to peel a few boyfriends in the past off me when they get all PDA on me. Isn't that stuff private? Why did everyone have to see that We express all that through our actions (spending time, etc.). For my ENFP, he learned early on that he was going to have to initiate all of our outings (This would take too long to explain...but basically we like going with the flow rather than initiating things. It brings flavor to our lives). To express my affection to him, I'd nearly always drop what I was doing to reciprocate my appreciation for him initiating (Does that make sense?).

  9. #29
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Clonester View Post
    Wow, very interesting. Actually sounds a lot like the ESTP girl I know. Especially with the love of doing things outdoors and exploring. But an ISTP probably doesn't need to be around people all the time. Maybe less flirty too, perhaps, since the ESTP I know loves to touch guys she likes. All the time. Not that mind.
    We flirt, just not as much as ESTPs. Yep. If you need more differences between an ESTP and an ISTP... I'd have to say my ESTP friend is more blunt and speaks her mind more often than I do. I don't ever really find that necessary unless I find the subject really important. Oh, and she makes friends with just about everyone immediately.

  10. #30
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StephMC939 View Post
    I've been known to peel a few boyfriends in the past off me when they get all PDA on me. Isn't that stuff private? Why did everyone have to see that We express all that through our actions (spending time, etc.). For my ENFP, he learned early on that he was going to have to initiate all of our outings (This would take too long to explain...but basically we like going with the flow rather than initiating things. It brings flavor to our lives). To express my affection to him, I'd nearly always drop what I was doing to reciprocate my appreciation for him initiating (Does that make sense?).
    That's really fascinating, and I'd like to know more. My ISTP and I were walking across a bridge at nighttime, and I pulled him aside twice to kiss him. Both times, I initiated this "PDA" (I mean no one aside from cars could see us) and while it felt great for me, I could tell he was not as comfortable with it. This is the stuff I live for, but he only gets sorta mushy in his apt. I don't get it... How can it not occur to him that when the moon is full and the stars are out and the wind blowing through our hair (well, my hair - he's shaved) that it's obviously the perfect setting for amour?

    And the initiating outings part: I can see how it could naturally work with you being ISTP and him being ENFP, but in my case, being the girl, I'm not sure if I should initiate the dates. Wouldn't that come off as pursuing him, and given ISTP's love of independence, wouldn't that turn him off? But then if I don't do anything, would he be snatched away by some girl who's more forward, more 'E'? He totally confuses me.

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