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  1. #91
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    Is it normal for ISTPs to act warm and affectionate ('on') on some days, and then cool and distant ('off') the next day..
    Yup.

    ...only to completely not know what you're talking about if you mention that you're worried ISTP is ''not feeling it anymore" just because of that one 'off' day? It's like he forgets that he was totally cold and distant the next morning and is back to his cheerful, "I want you around me" self.
    He doesn't know what you're talking about because to him he wasn't acting any different from his normal self.

    ISTP's can appear very quixotic to others but it's just us responding to our thoughts and desires at that moment - it's nothing personal. We are rather temperamental this way. Think of us as a Sine wave and not a flatline and you'll be fine.

    Oh. When he acts "cold and distant" take that time to do your own thing. He may need some time to himself to recharge.

    As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party. Then as soon as we get home, he's his happy affectionate self again.
    You're awfully hard on yourself. I would talk to him about your perception of this issue. Also, maybe he is "bummed out" because socializing took a toll on him and it isn't you at all? Just throwing things out there.

    In private, he's fine with this -- we get along really well and communicate fine. But when we go out with his friends (there is one immature - subtly competitive, manipulative, and one-upping - female friend in particular who keeps rubbing me the wrong way -- I don't trust her and she has most of the symptoms of NPD) I get a bit nervous and quiet. I'm participating with a pleasant social face on but I think he's disappointed that I'm not coming off as super interesting. Which I feel really bad about. The fact is, he knows I am an interesting and intelligent person inside (which comes out in private), but he wants to have others know it too. And I could care less about flaunting myself, showing off and being pretentious the way his NPD friend does.

    Why is he like this? He's 26 btw, I am 29.
    I don't know about this. I can't speak for your SO but when I like someone I don't care if anyone else likes that person or not. I will hear my friend's opinion out and I've had instances where my friends approved and disapproved of various people's I've brought around and I'll listen to what they say but it's really none of their business. They don't have to deal with them - I do.

    I notice you're hanging around his friends. Maybe bring a friend of yours along next time? This might help both of you out.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  2. #92
    One day and the next Rainne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power)
    Don't worry, ISTPs are naturally optimistic.

    If we look "unhappy", it's because we're bored and this you can't really control.
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  3. #93
    Senior Member ubiquitous1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party. Then as soon as we get home, he's his happy affectionate self again.

    In private, he's fine with this -- we get along really well and communicate fine. But when we go out with his friends (there is one immature - subtly competitive, manipulative, and one-upping - female friend in particular who keeps rubbing me the wrong way -- I don't trust her and she has most of the symptoms of NPD) I get a bit nervous and quiet. I'm participating with a pleasant social face on but I think he's disappointed that I'm not coming off as super interesting. Which I feel really bad about. The fact is, he knows I am an interesting and intelligent person inside (which comes out in private), but he wants to have others know it too. And I could care less about flaunting myself, showing off and being pretentious the way his NPD friend does.

    Why is he like this? He's 26 btw, I am 29.

    If he has not explicitly complained about it, you should probably check with him to see if your assumption is correct. I have noticed that how I perceive reality and how my husband perceives reality are two very different realities. He may perceive your tendency to introvert as you not being happy or having fun. My husband usually is distressed if I am not having fun or seem unhappy.

    The only advice I have is, try not to take it personally or place your values on him. For example, I use to be like well if I acted like that it would mean... bad idea. The same goes for him, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    Is it normal for ISTPs to act warm and affectionate ('on') on some days, and then cool and distant ('off') the next day, only to completely not know what you're talking about if you mention that you're worried ISTP is ''not feeling it anymore" just because of that one 'off' day? It's like he forgets that he was totally cold and distant the next morning and is back to his cheerful, "I want you around me" self.

    My husband has appeared, to me, to be 'on' and 'off' over the years. Constant emotional bonding is not his forte :steam:. The same advice applies from the previous paragraph.

    Good luck!
    BTW, what is NPD?

  4. #94
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    I don't call people either, everyone calls me..eventually I feel like I'm bothering them or sucking up to them if I call...makes me feel like a needy guy if I do it...but most of the time I don't think about calling friends. I think about them and IM or email more often. I actually had to force learn myself to call another buddy who doesn't call anyone much either. I'm too busy to get bored and can only concentrate on one thing at a time and hate when people call me when I'm busy. Text or email is fine because I can check it on my own time and don't have to drop everything because someone wants to know "what's up?" Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from my friends/GFs when I'm not busy.

    BTW Seamaid, we don't know when we're being cold, to us it seems like we are being logical and realistic when we say something that seems cold to you. Maybe you said something slightly irritating, something that he doesn't agree with, so change the subject. We love to be shown affection when we are not preoccupied with something at the moment. I loved when one of my GFs kept giving me little kisses when we were walking through the amusement park (when I'm not on a 'mission' doing something) or when she had her hand on top of mine for the whole 2 hour drive to the lake.
    On the other hand if I'm dong something affection can piss me off.

    If you're spending too much time together, or won't give him his down time, he'll get irritated about everything you do eventually. He'll slowly 'OD on Seamaid'. If you don't fit in with his friends, don't come along. It's not necessary. How do you fit in with an immature guy and a chick that you don't like anyway. Do your own thing when he's out with his friends and don't act jealous if you can't watch him with 'her' and don't know what happened that day. Nothing will happen anyway, so don't stress.

    Also, don't talk/ask about his feelings. Remember one thing. It's one day at a time.
    No long term commitments or complicated plans. I've always said that I would not want to get married but I could live with a woman for the rest of my life as long as it's one day at a time. No pressure. And no sneaky stuff. When I lose trust in them I drop them.

    Rudy

  5. #95
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    MDP2525, Rainne, ubiquitous1, ISTP-Rudy, Thanks for your replies!

    I tend to read into things like his expression and body language because there isn't much else to go off of when we're not engaging in light conversation. Unfortunately, I blow tiny things up into huge proportions in my head and think OH NOES! He wants to break up! when he's not 'on' around me. And obviously that's not the case since he's back to his cheerful self the next morning.

    I think you guys are right about him not being bummed out by ME personally but bored/drained/in-a-hurry-to-pee-when-he-gets-home. I probably don't help matters by being all worried, drained, and quiet myself after a long exhausting night of social interaction. I guess as an NF I feel almost obligated to be 'connecting' constantly. If it isn't happening I feel like I'm not being 'useful'.

    Thank you for all the advice and reassurance. I think I was just freaking out inside. If I look at it one day at a time, my ISTP and I have a pretty awesome relationship. I may not really trust all of his friends, but we had a talk about that one female friend in particular before bed and I got to air out my gut feelings and he was cool with the fact that I am definitely going to take my time about trusting her. (Oh, and NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I was clear to him about not interfering with their friendship and trusting him to do what he thinks is right, even if I may not trust her. In the end, I think he believes I am acting carefully and logically about this and respects how maturely I'm handling things (ie. not out of jealousy entirely but mainly cautiousness given the facts and my own intuition).

    I agree about the 'do your own thing'. Thankfully, I'm planning on going back for a Master's degree to eventually become a marital therapist/couples counselor, so I have plenty of things to keep me busy! Everything's going to be okay. =) Fingers crossed!!!

  6. #96
    Senior Member mcmartinez84's Avatar
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    +1 to MDP2525, she hit the nail on the head.

    Keep in mind that after social interaction it's nice to have that down, quiet time and he's comfortable being quiet around you. We're not necessarily comfortable being quiet around certain people. Or rather, I can tell when some people aren't comfortable being quiet around me.... Idc, personally. I can be quiet for a long time and not mind. I often play a game in my head where I call who is going to break the silence first. I usually guess right.

    I also think you're being hard on yourself, seamaid.

    FWIW, I don't really notice when I'm 'on' or 'off', or when I fluctuate between the two states until someone points it out to me. It's just 'cause I live right now. Right now I feel like giving you attention. And now I feel like being a solitary nerd. And now I feel like going to the park. It doesn't change the fact that I still like you.

    Oh, and quiet time at home is definitely time for you to do your own thing. Yay independence!! The ENTJ I'm with now somehow knows when I need me-time and goes off for a jog or something and tells me to go be a nerd.
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  7. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by luminous beam View Post
    ^haha, you lazy bum. you just don't wanna look into it and figure out what's diff! only you and mcmartinez know the answer because it pertains to your individual relationships with your close friends. but i would like to see if there is a pattern between these.
    Nah, for me at least it took a few days to figure out what the answer was. And it may yet still appear to be a non-answer.

    Quote Originally Posted by luminous beam View Post
    That's interesting, so if it's not common for you two to incline to keep in touch, what do you think makes these friendships be any different? Ever had ex-es that you maintain connected to somehow still similar to this scenario?
    I occassionally have unanticipated emotional "burst." Most of which never make it to the surface in mixed or private company.

    Tonight I went to hit a bucket of golf balls for the first time in two years. Last time I'd played was the week before my friend moved away. It was the last activity we did together.

    Hadn't talked with that friend in about a month. Ironically, my cell rang right after I'd parked. So I get through the first sentence to tell him where I'm at and omfg..."burst" *stomp* *stomp* keep it down.

    I didn't care if that dude heard me cry like a bitch over the phone. But I didn't want for anyone else pulling into the driving range parking lot to see that. My friend knew exactly what was happening, I could hear it in his tone. It made him happy.

    Thing is I know he knew exactly where that "burst" was rooted...as only another ISTP could understand. Didn't come up as a topic of discussion at all, and after a few minutes I settled out.

    If it'd been some other friend or person on the phone, the "burst" might not have gotten triggered, and most certainly wouldn't have impacted my own tonal quality. It'd been transparent, if at all.

    I loved swinging a golf club again this evening. Not realizing how much it meant to me, how much I'd missed it...that's where the emotional burst was rooted. The irony of having my "golf" buddy call, just as I was about to resume playing...for the first time in two years. That one didn't hit me until later, as I walked in the door.

  8. #98
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
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    so you're saying that you guys are close because he "gets you" then? but pointing out that the golf balls made you happier at first and then having talked to your buddy after a 2 yr hiatus lol :p


  9. #99
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lecky View Post
    It just doesn't make sense to me that a guy could like someone but not pursue them romantically.
    Haha! I still don't get this and I've been with my ISTP for about 2 years. Even in a relationship, anything interpersonal usually has to be initiated by me. (With the exception of gift giving, because he uses that to connect.) He is very passive about initiating anything that involves me, like he never wants to persuade me into anything. (Sex, going somewhere together, watching something, compliments, conversation.) Of course, I can not understand this in practice, and doubt I ever will.

    It used to cause fights because it bothered me so much, now I've just sort of adapted to be more comfortable with it. It was sooo bad at the beginning - he was extremely passive. The times he's tried to explain it for me (with some difficulty), he says its sort of a combination of not realizing he should act on his feelings and being really oblivious that I would want him to. He has also said, depending on the situation, that sometime he won't take action if he decides there will likely be some bad consequence like rejection. (He says he imagines worst case scenarios.)

    Sometimes he will go into his 'cave' all day & then complain when I want to go out that night, because he's waiting for me to come to bed or he'll be confused when I am unsettled when I get to bed (because we haven't spoken all day). I think maybe its just the way he's introverted - holding (loving) things in is how he experiences them. Sometimes I get the sense that he thinks more about liking me, or the state of our relationship; or his happiness with me, than he expresses. I get affirmation that he likes me, but when I need more of it I have to ask him because he just feels normal holding it all in. He seems sincere when he says it just never occurs to him to do it.

    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party.
    This sounds kind of familiar in an odd way. My ISTP loves being around people but he always needs an escape route or a 'buffer.' I am his buffer in social situations... if I'm not feeling like being really talkative with our friends, he will get a bit moody. It seems to just be a comfort thing. He does have Fe in there somewhere, and his compulsion for it comes out in short bursts when we are socializing, but its not steady enough (and he isn't skilled enough expressing it) to maintain conversations, stories, jokes, as consistently as is needed to keep away those awkward silences. I see it as a sort of curse... haha... he craves being around new people or people he isn't entirely comfortable with (because then they are exciting), but he can't really do it very well unless its all activity. The socializing he is bad at, and if I'm not feeling up for it, he feels less enjoyment because he has to face that tension, and there can be a bit of resentment if he gets stressed.

    Maybe something in that is related to your ISTP wanting you to be more open & social, because it 'lightens the load' of his social tension.
    ____________________________________________
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  10. #100
    ..... Intricate Mystic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ubiquitous1 View Post

    If he has not explicitly complained about it, you should probably check with him to see if your assumption is correct. I have noticed that how I perceive reality and how my husband perceives reality are two very different realities. He may perceive your tendency to introvert as you not being happy or having fun. My husband usually is distressed if I am not having fun or seem unhappy.

    The only advice I have is, try not to take it personally or place your values on him. For example, I use to be like well if I acted like that it would mean... bad idea. The same goes for him, too.





    My husband has appeared, to me, to be 'on' and 'off' over the years. Constant emotional bonding is not his forte :steam:. The same advice applies from the previous paragraph.

    Good luck!
    BTW, what is NPD?
    This is true of my ISTP husband, as well. I can't be little miss mary sunshine all of the time, though.... it just isn't me. I have a dark sense of humor (life's a bitch, and then you die), and can be deep and serious, as well as enthusiastic and looking for the best in people. Maybe my husband just needs to find an ENFP.

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