[ISFP] ISFP women please help.

[lookoutbelow84093]

Im a male INFP and was recently involved with a female ISFP (I think) and im really frustrated and confused.
I started dating her from work and it was a little awkward at first, but I feel like we quickly warmed up to each other, and really have similiar goals and feelings about life. We talked here and there but given our schedules we only saw each other once a week outside of work and once or twice a week at work. We had ups and downs and a few misunderstangs of communication but overall I felt that, although somewhat distant, things were going fairly well. We would often just hang out and watch a movie then cuddle and she would fall asleep in my arms. At work she would sometimes kiss me or create a 10second situation where we were alone to rub my back. We had a few miscommunications which was frustrating, but after a while she said I would start to over-analyze things. This can definitely be true, but in all honesty I didnt feel like it was a real problem.
Yesterday I finally got her to tell me that our miscommunications were significant to her, and she "wanted to take a little break." I am frustarted because I thought we had real potential, and I finally seem to get what she is saying. Does "take a break" and "im afraid of hurting you" mean she wants me to leave permanantly? Sure sounds like it to me, but apparently im not as good at reading her as I thought

 

[Geoff]

Hello and welcome

Not so sure we have any ISFPs here?

In any case, SPs are likely to find over analysing a bit frustrating, so that may just simply be an expression of honesty as to how she feels. They are likely to resist attempts to describe them and predict their responses, as they can be individualistic.

They also like to keep moving in life, so a break could be an end, but I think you'd be better off giving her a few days and then acting normally with her and see how things lie, than trying to hope we can answer you here, or instead asking her that very question (as it is likely to drive her away). In summary : I'd act normally around her after a short break and just see how she is.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Permanent? Probably not. She just doesn't want to be with you while there's a high risk of "communication failure" which probably, imo, means you're both having trouble seeing eye-to-eye on account of being unsure and worried.

 

[alicia91]

Hi Lookoutbelow84093 - welcome! :hi:

There's a few of us ISFP's here but we tend to be less than prolific posters. ;

I started dating her from work and it was a little awkward at first, but I feel like we quickly warmed up to each other, and really have similiar goals and feelings about life

In my case, it's all about the 'chemistry' THEN the similar goals and feelings about life follows. So I tend to fall HARD for someone and be really crazy about them - and they would know it. But hey, that's just me.

We talked here and there but given our schedules we only saw each other once a week outside of work and once or twice a week at work.

I think if she was really interested she would have made an effort to call you, etc.

We had ups and downs and a few misunderstangs of communication but overall I felt that, although somewhat distant, things were going fairly well.

A few miscommunications seem quite normal when you are getting to know someone. That wouldn't deter me if I was interested. Distant? What do you mean?

We would often just hang out and watch a movie then cuddle and she would fall asleep in my arms. At work she would sometimes kiss me or create a 10second situation where we were alone to rub my back

Good signs!

but after a while she said I would start to over-analyze things. This can definitely be true, but in all honesty I didnt feel like it was a real problem.

Hmm...what do you mean by over-analyze?

Yesterday I finally got her to tell me that our miscommunications were significant to her, and she "wanted to take a little break."

Sorry, but that's girl-talk for "it's over."

Does "take a break" and "im afraid of hurting you" mean she wants me to leave permanantly?

Yes.

However, I will say that I tend to base a lot of my decisions on how I'm feeling at the MOMENT and not take my feelings over time into consideration. As I've gotten older, I've learned to resist this urge and take my time sorting things out. Since it only happened yesterday, I'd give it a few days, play it cool and see what happens.

I have several ISFP friends and while I'm probably the most impulsive of the bunch, they also have strong feelings about chemistry, connections etc. One of my friends developed such an instant attraction to her moving guy that she had him come back the following week to move a dresser. A couple of years later married him. So we may be I's but we will pursue the man we are interested in!

My feeling is that she's not that interested, or something about the miscommunication or over-analysis turned her off. She may not have been all that interested in the first place and is using those issues as an excuse to break it off. I'd wait it out for a few days and then if she doesn't show any signs of wanting to get back with you, then I'd move on.

Sorry I'm not being all that positive.

 

[luminous beam]

well

i am an IxFP and i'd have to agree with ISFPs kind of going with the moment and doing and deciding things dependent of their mood at the time. it seems like the girl you were seeing decided to go out w/you so that you could both have fun and enjoy each other's company, except that with your overanalyzations and whatnot, it just made it not as fun anymore. so rather than have her break your heart, being the SF that she is, she's taking a break so that things cool off and to avoid hurting you (otherwise why would anyone foresee hurting anyone else). i don't think it means that you two will never get together again, but i think it does mean that she's not as interested in you as you are in her. i think she likes the idea of having someone to have "fun with" at work and whatnot, but doesn't necessarily see you as a long term potential serious boyfriend.

from one INFP to the next though, i can feel your pain and i've also been there and done that. like totally read into the situation and idealized it as opposed to just enjoying the moment . it may be a good idea to start spelling out what you and whoever you get involved with next is looking for, in terms of what type of relationship they want, to try and avoid getting your hopes up.

 

[lookoutbelow84093]

Yeah ISFPs I hear you. . Guess I just feel like I get all sorts of mixed signals Sad thing is I had to kind of go out of my way to show her I cared because I thought thats what she wanted to hear, not necessarily that I wanted to be that cheesy. IM just frustrated becasue seems like something really good is getting thrown away because of a few really petty misunderstandings

 

[luminous beam]

Yeah ISFPs I hear you. . Guess I just feel like I get all sorts of mixed signals Sad thing is I had to kind of go out of my way to show her I cared because I thought thats what she wanted to hear, not necessarily that I wanted to be that cheesy. IM just frustrated becasue seems like something really good is getting thrown away because of a few really petty misunderstandings

the INFP problem is thinking that they're sending us mixed signals when in fact they're not, we just make it more than it is. our emotions like take over rationality for the most part when we start idealizing someone. you feel that something good is being thrown away, when while you're viewing it as that, she's most likely not even looking at it that way. also, i don't think the misunderstandings are that did it, it's that fact that as INFPs we take it that personally and make a mountain out of a molehill emotionally.

 

[alicia91]

I forgot to say that I'm really sorry it's not working out like you hoped. I'm not surprised that you feel that you were getting mixed signals - she was obviously quite flirtatious, then she fairly quickly dismissed what you had going. I'm not sure if she's just flaky or what's going on.

Gosh I'm so glad I've been out of the dating scene for 19 years.

 

[lookoutbelow84093]

hmm ok thanks for the responses, this forum is great! So I guess at work (still see her once a week at least) just dont worry about it then. Sounds like ISFPs fall in and out of "love" as quickly and definitively as they fall into it?

 

[istpunk]

Yeah I'm gonna have to concur with poor communication considering you are dealing with an ISFP.

Permanent? Probably not. She just doesn't want to be with you while there's a high risk of "communication failure" which probably, imo, means you're both having trouble seeing eye-to-eye on account of being unsure and worried.

 

[illume]

hmm ok thanks for the responses, this forum is great! So I guess at work (still see her once a week at least) just dont worry about it then. Sounds like ISFPs fall in and out of "love" as quickly and definitively as they fall into it?

If you are an expressive NF, you may find that you attract the SO's/spouse's of ISFP's who are hungry to be told that they are good at things, are attractive, etc. without even knowing it. And then having that person become attracted to YOU. This has happened to me. ISFP's are bad about telling those they are close to how they feel. Many personality types need verbal reinforcement.

 

[alicia91]

ISFP's are bad about telling those they are close to how they feel.

That is so true. My ENTJ husband has told me that I'm 'cold' because of this, when I know that's not true at all. I really work on telling people how much I appreciate them, love them, etc.

 

[edward]

Hmm Ive always found ISFPs cool too. alicia sounds like if she said this shes done for good? Do ISFPs ever date the same person twice is is a break forever like love?

 

[sgman]

I realize I'm rehashing an old topic, but I just want to say...same here. Its funny, cuz I really didn't have that many expectations for this girl. If we turn out to be only friends, I'm fine with that. The problem was, she wanted more haha. So at first, she was calling me all the time, everyday, smsing, etc. We did some stuff together, and then I guess as my social anxiety got revealed, she lost her chemistry. I just wanted to be friends, but she stopped contacting me, so after initiating a few things with her, I took the hint, and stopped asking her to do stuff too. To be honest, I'm a little angry at myself and her.

 

[IZthe411]

. This has happened to me. ISFP's are bad about telling those they are close to how they feel.

My girl is like that. As an ISTJ I don't read minds and am not focusing on emotions. It might seem like it's demeaning my intelligence to tell me directly how you feel, but I need it and appreciate it.

 

[Fading Dead Star]

I realize I'm rehashing an old topic, but I just want to say...same here. Its funny, cuz I really didn't have that many expectations for this girl. If we turn out to be only friends, I'm fine with that. The problem was, she wanted more haha. So at first, she was calling me all the time, everyday, smsing, etc. We did some stuff together, and then I guess as my social anxiety got revealed, she lost her chemistry. I just wanted to be friends, but she stopped contacting me, so after initiating a few things with her, I took the hint, and stopped asking her to do stuff too. To be honest, I'm a little angry at myself and her.

She stopped contacting you because ISFPs want to let bygones be bygones. If something awkward or bad happens they distance themselves with the things associated with them, because they're sensitive and being close to these things (being you) would be stressful.

Sometimes it's important to chase ISFPs since they're often lazy, but obviously trying to contact them in this situation is pointless since they'd be distinctly unenthusiastic.

 

[Julie1962]

Sorry it's not working out. I think the best thing to do is back off .. don't make her explain herself. Give her time to think about you and miss you and perhaps she'll come back and maybe not. The last guy that I told "I need a break" I ended up marrying. Hey .. you never know.

 

[sgman]

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