• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ISFP] Want to get back with my ISFP- What do I do

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I want to get back with my ISFP. We broke off almost a year ago. It was mutual. We have seen each other here and there, but haven't talked.

My problem was basically I wasn't opening like I needed to, and this year off has given me a lot of time to think, and I know I want to be back with her.

What do I do?
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
talk to her.
 

gromit

likes this
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
6,508
Yeah talk to her, see if she wants to meet up, find out how she is feeling about it, see what happens.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
talk to her.

Groundbreaking..................


What kind of questions will she ask?
Do I have to beg, shed tears and put on some kind of act, or will she be able to pick up on my sincerity?
What are the No-Nos and dealbreakers?!
 

gromit

likes this
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
6,508
It's hard to know. You need more information from her. It really depends where she is in her life.
 

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I didn't answer more specifically because nobody can, at least not these questions. If you talk to her about it you'll get a pretty good idea of what to do, if you listen.

Unfortunately there's not really a magic formula for what to do, for any type. And rarely even any "non-nos" that aren't more or less applicable to most women (e.g. don't be a jerk or desperate)
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
If the problem was that you weren't opening up, maybe you should start by opening up.

All of this sounds ridiculously simplistic, but apparently it's a problem for you if you've seen her but haven't spoken to her and broke up because you were being distant.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
If the problem was that you weren't opening up, maybe you should start by opening up.

All of this sounds ridiculously simplistic, but apparently it's a problem for you if you've seen her but haven't spoken to her and broke up because you were being distant.

Yeah I figured that out over the last year that I was being tight. That's the easy part. It's what should I do to show her that I am a different man than I was at this point last year that I want info on, especially from the ladies.

I've reached out to her, but they were awkward; I guess at those points I should have given some of those cues. But I wasn't really ready then, or sure, if I wanted to be back with her. Now I am.
 

gromit

likes this
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
6,508
WHat kind of things did you have trouble being open with her about?
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
^ Well long story short, we have known each other a long time- and it was a continued cycle of do we want to be together or not. So the last time I asked her, really the first time I was really ready to try, she told me no, and didn't give me a good reason. Left me hanging. Then about 18 months later, she came back around, and I was guarded. I knew I liked her, but I wanted some assurance that she was in it for me, since we ended on what I saw as real awkward terms. I think she sensed that, and she was kind of tight as well. I just know I was very surface with her. I wasn't hiding anything, I just wasn't ready to really open up. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, or I thought that's what it was.

Really there were external things happening that was affecting me- the largest of them was work. We got back together right after I changed jobs, and that was a big transition, and I didn't like my job. I didn't realize then how much that affected my attitude and outlook on things. Our relationship suffered as well. So after the break up last year it was about me- figuring out that I hated my job (really my boss), and figuring out that I have feelings (a big AHA moment), and that I had to stop being so tight, with friends, family, and all of that. Learning about the weaknesses and blindspots of my MBTI type, especially in relationships. Reconnecting spirtually and with my friends and family, all that important stuff. So by the end of the year I was a totally different person, more capable of dealing with her.
 

gromit

likes this
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
6,508
Those seem like good kinds of things to talk to her about then. If you want to show that you are no longer closed-off, then you have to open yourself up and say the things that are hard to say.
 

Sunny Ghost

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,396
Groundbreaking..................


What kind of questions will she ask?
Do I have to beg, shed tears and put on some kind of act, or will she be able to pick up on my sincerity?
What are the No-Nos and dealbreakers?!
i think isfp's are pretty good at picking up on genuine sincerity. don't be fake. be sincere.

I didn't answer more specifically because nobody can, at least not these questions. If you talk to her about it you'll get a pretty good idea of what to do, if you listen.

Unfortunately there's not really a magic formula for what to do, for any type. And rarely even any "non-nos" that aren't more or less applicable to most women (e.g. don't be a jerk or desperate)
agreed. i may be a fellow isfp female, but i can't say that i can have the answer for all isfp females. but i will say that try opening up and being genuine about what you feel and being completely sincere may move her.

either way, you'll never know unless you try, right? Fi can be very understanding, so long as there is indeed sincerity.

If the problem was that you weren't opening up, maybe you should start by opening up.

All of this sounds ridiculously simplistic, but apparently it's a problem for you if you've seen her but haven't spoken to her and broke up because you were being distant.
sometimes the simple things aren't always that simple. it's okay, and i'm sure she also realizes that.
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
^ Well long story short, we have known each other a long time- and it was a continued cycle of do we want to be together or not. So the last time I asked her, really the first time I was really ready to try, she told me no, and didn't give me a good reason. Left me hanging. Then about 18 months later, she came back around, and I was guarded. I knew I liked her, but I wanted some assurance that she was in it for me, since we ended on what I saw as real awkward terms. I think she sensed that, and she was kind of tight as well. I just know I was very surface with her. I wasn't hiding anything, I just wasn't ready to really open up. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, or I thought that's what it was.

Really there were external things happening that was affecting me- the largest of them was work. We got back together right after I changed jobs, and that was a big transition, and I didn't like my job. I didn't realize then how much that affected my attitude and outlook on things. Our relationship suffered as well. So after the break up last year it was about me- figuring out that I hated my job (really my boss), and figuring out that I have feelings (a big AHA moment), and that I had to stop being so tight, with friends, family, and all of that. Learning about the weaknesses and blindspots of my MBTI type, especially in relationships. Reconnecting spirtually and with my friends and family, all that important stuff. So by the end of the year I was a totally different person, more capable of dealing with her.

Take her for coffee, a place where you can talk quietly and tell her all of this. Not to justify your position or actions but so that she can assess if you are really worth the effort again. Be prepared for questions if she wants to probe but don't expect an answer right away. She might need time to think things through. I also suggest that you ask just for a second chance at dating her. This will probably give her the chance and space to see if she still has deeper feelings for you. My two cents. Let us know what happens and good luck.

Oh one more thing, she will be probing you to see how sincere is your change of heart.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
Take her for coffee, a place where you can talk quietly and tell her all of this. Not to justify your position or actions but so that she can assess if you are really worth the effort again. Be prepared for questions if she wants to probe but don't expect an answer right away. She might need time to think things through. I also suggest that you ask just for a second chance at dating her. This will probably give her the chance and space to see if she still has deeper feelings for you. My two cents. Let us know what happens and good luck.

Oh one more thing, she will be probing you to see how sincere is your change of heart.

I like that approach. I'll suggest that.

I'll be talking to her this evening some time, I hope she says yes.

Do you think she'll probe just to make me suffer? :sorry:
How have you handled situations where someone deeply hurt you and asked for forgiveness?
Did it take you a long time to re-establish any closeness?
How much did it take for that person to demonstrate they were really a changed person?
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I like that approach. I'll suggest that.

I'll be talking to her this evening some time, I hope she says yes.

Do you think she'll probe just to make me suffer? :sorry:
How have you handled situations where someone deeply hurt you and asked for forgiveness?
Did it take you a long time to re-establish any closeness?
How much did it take for that person to demonstrate they were really a changed person?

You will not like my answer to these questions if I answer from a personal perspective. :) So think on this instead. If she really wants to be with you she will give you a second chance. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that she has forgotten and wants to be with you. There could be too much water under the bridge. Closeness depend on how much either of you are willing to invest in the relationship. Demonstrations happens naturally since the old ways are gone for good. For other people see this, takes time and trust. For starters, just go slow with each other and sees what happens. You are anticipating the future and do you really know where she's at in her life? This is the purpose of dating her, to find out the answer to those questions.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
You will not like my answer to these questions if I answer from a personal perspective. :) So think on this instead. If she really wants to be with you she will give you a second chance. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that she has forgotten and wants to be with you. There could be too much water under the bridge. Closeness depend on how much either of you are willing to invest in the relationship. Demonstrations happens naturally since the old ways are gone for good. For other people see this, takes time and trust. For starters, just go slow with each other and sees what happens. You are anticipating the future and do you really know where she's at in her life? This is the purpose of dating her, to find out the answer to those questions.

True....I have so may feelings about this..It's not like it's an all or nothing thing. I want this to work, but am easily prepared to walk away as well. As much as I'm admitting my wrongs, my hope is she can see that she could have done better the first time herself. Ne tells me there's a lot more out there, she's only one, but I want to get this out of my system if it's not meant to be.
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
True....I have so may feelings about this..It's not like it's an all or nothing thing. I want this to work, but am easily prepared to walk away as well. As much as I'm admitting my wrongs, my hope is she can see that she could have done better the first time herself. Ne tells me there's a lot more out there, she's only one, but I want to get this out of my system if it's not meant to be.

:yes: It takes two people to tangle. Good luck and let us know the outcome.
 

wolfy

awsm
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
12,251
I agree with what everyone else said. I don't really feel there is any specific isfp approach. You could draw a picture for her, or even better ask her to draw a picture for you. But yeah...good luck. Just be honest and sincere, that is the main thing.
 
Top