[ISTP] Married to an ISTP and need help!

[CestMoi]

Thanks, INTJMom. You're right, they're not great communicators. How frustrating for me! I PMd you.

 

[MacGuffin]

all i can really say is that if i were in your shoes, i'd think he was cheating. maybe not physically, but in some form. .. maybe just thinking about it.

I didn't want to say it, but I thought that too.

 

[JAVO]

I'm dramatizing and generalizing of course, and MBTI doesn't account for all behavior, but my understanding is that to an S, if you're not there, you barely exist. I hope an S will come by and correct me if I'm wrong.

I think he is at the very least withdrawing (turning cold, closing up) some from you because of the distance. I guess it's somewhat of a natural defense mechanism which will probably resolve itself once the distance issue is resolved.

Yes, I think it's reasonable to think he has considered being with someone else, but there's a big difference between thought and action. So, don't react to the thought as if it were the actual action.

 

[INTJMom]

You guys need to stop planting those ideas in her head.
It's just as likely that he's not doing anything wrong.

 

[JAVO]

It's just as likely that he's not doing anything wrong.

I agree.

 

[MacGuffin]

No way, I just had buttsecks with the guy.














Okay, okay. Don't convict him based off the imaginations of invisible people on the internet.

 

[CestMoi]

Yikes, Mac. I'm inclined to think more positively about him and go with the thought that he is not doing anything. Maybe it's crossed his mind but that's true for most of us so I'll not crucify him over that. I'd have to be on the next cross over, anyway. LOL

I think, too, that the S-factor plays a big part and out-of-sight, out-of-mind. I'll have to work on the communication, it seems to keep the S in check.

 

[Domino]

I dunno. My involvement with ISTPs has been pretty intense, and I never felt forgotten. In fact, it was fusion, even when we fought. He'd get disgusted with the idea of other women and anyone hitting on him was met with chilly amusement. Men hitting on me was viewed as confirmation of my quality. Granted, it wasn't appreciated, but he felt he could trust me without question. I've never had anyone else trust me so completely before.

I will say this. I once "crossed up" an ISTP friend. I disagreed with him strongly on something (he was being a jerk and he knew it) and assumed that any sort of disagreement we had would sort itself it out in due course because that's the way I tangle - nothing mortal, for heaven's sake, we're friends after all. I told him how I felt and though it was high octane, I didn't demean him or slag him or anything. He COMPLETELY recoiled from me, like he'd been snake-bitten. It was stunning. I figured out later from others (this happens to me frequently - I'm so daft sometimes) that he was practically in love with me and I thought, "Super. He was really hanging out there and I snapped him."

I say this because certain things - just certain things - really push their buttons, especially if they feel emotionally exposed. Fe is their basement experience. I take Fe for granted.

 

[Domino]

Yikes, Mac. I'm inclined to think more positively about him and go with the thought that he is not doing anything. Maybe it's crossed his mind but that's true for most of us so I'll not crucify him over that. I'd have to be on the next cross over, anyway. LOL

I think, too, that the S-factor plays a big part and out-of-sight, out-of-mind. I'll have to work on the communication, it seems to keep the S in check.

Don't mind Mac. I'll put him back in his pen.

 

[CestMoi]

I dunno. My involvement with ISTPs has been pretty intense, and I never felt forgotten. In fact, it was fusion, even when we fought. He'd get disgusted with the idea of other women and anyone hitting on him was met with chilly amusement. Men hitting on me was viewed as confirmation of my quality. Granted, it wasn't appreciated, but he felt he could trust me without question. I've never had anyone else trust me so completely before.

I will say this. I once "crossed up" an ISTP friend. I disagreed with him strongly on something (he was being a jerk and he knew it) and assumed that any sort of disagreement we had would sort itself it out in due course because that's the way I tangle - nothing mortal, for heaven's sake, we're friends after all. I told him how I felt and though it was high octane, I didn't demean him or slag him or anything. He COMPLETELY recoiled from me, like he'd been snake-bitten. It was stunning. I figured out later from others (this happens to me frequently - I'm so daft sometimes) that he was practically in love with me and I thought, "Super. He was really hanging out there and I snapped him."

I say this because certain things - just certain things - really push their buttons, especially if they feel emotionally exposed. Fe is their basement experience. I take Fe for granted.

I completely agree regarding the intensity. In fact, we talked about just how intense he can be last time we were together. It takes some getting used to - especially for me - since I'm rarely what I'd call intense but then again, I might be and not see it at all. LOL You mention that your ISTP trusted you without question. My husband seemed to be this way, too, up until our separation. I suppose I should've been the bigger person (talker) earlier in this instance because it's obvious now that he just clammed up.

Perhaps, his distance at this stage is due to being or feeling "snapped" as you put it. I imagine his emotions are in turmoil and that must be a very uncomfortable place for him. Mine have, too, but I process it differently since I, too, take Fe for granted.

Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it and don't keep Mac in the cage too long.

 

[Domino]

I'm curious. What is the general dynamic between an ISTP and an ENFP? I ask because my twin is an ENFP and she always got along well with the ISTPs circulating around me, but then again, ENFPs are easy to get along with and very friendly.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.

Had your appearance significantly altered in any way since the last time he saw you? I'm not trying to make you feel insecure - just wondering.

 

[CestMoi]

I'm curious. What is the general dynamic between an ISTP and an ENFP? I ask because my twin is an ENFP and she always got along well with the ISTPs circulating around me, but then again, ENFPs are easy to get along with and very friendly.

Not sure, exactly! LOL. It's one of the harder matches to find information on. I do agree, being an ENFP, that I'm easy to get along with and friendly. Sometimes, I can be a ball buster, though, so I have to watch out for that. I'd be curious to find some more information on this and am going to research it more so will report back.

Had your appearance significantly altered in any way since the last time he saw you? I'm not trying to make you feel insecure - just wondering.

Yep, I'm hotter! Actually, I am in a bit better shape though I was already fit to start with but the one big difference is that my hair has grown out a lot but I did this because I like it long myself and my husband asked me to do it because he really likes long hair. So, he was quite happy with it. Other than that, nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, he commented that I looked pretty when I first saw him - seems obvious but he's not so complimentary often so it was a nice surprise.

 

[alcea rosea]

Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.

I'm married to an ISTP too (for 9 years soon).

In my experience ISTP's are reserved and not the best in communication. Don't take for granted that he uderstands what's going on with you. ISTP's are not in reading peoples emotions (at least my husband is not). If you feel something is wrong, he might not see it. So he doesn't necessarily feel what you feel about how things are with two of you.

I think ISTP's communication can be guarded in most of times. In my experience they are not the most trusting peopel of all so all you say sound very typical ISTP'ish for me. (I might be wrong.)

I suggest you talk with him about your feelings, they might come as surprise for him. ISTP's are so much different than us ENFP's! Talk, talk, talk (at least try.)

 

[alcea rosea]

I'm curious. What is the general dynamic between an ISTP and an ENFP? I ask because my twin is an ENFP and she always got along well with the ISTPs circulating around me, but then again, ENFPs are easy to get along with and very friendly.

I say that it's the fact they are almost opposites to us ENFP's, so they must be very interesting. But still they are fun loving people (not too serious) and that connects at least me with ISTP's.

With me it's the fact that I'm very restless and my ISTP is my solid rock (down to earth) to lean on. He doesn't fuss over things and it's a relief for me. He's my great strength and support with his cool and observant style. He complements me and I complement him. I have the F he is missing. He's got the T I lack.

 

[CestMoi]

Alcearos, you've about hit it on the head! He is much more solid and down to earth than I am but I bring out his happy-go-lucky side. He's a very funny guy and makes me laugh a lot at times. On the other hand, he's super intense and that took some getting used to - I was quite surprised by just HOW intense he is. Whoa!

Anyway, you're right. I had to talk to him. Also, I took great care what I said and tried to make sure it was all "what do you THINK about this and that" rather than "how do you feel...". I'll just get a blank look or dead air time, if I try that tact. LOL. As it is, things have improved and are continuing to do so since I've changed gears.

I appreciate the insight regarding his type as it has helped me change the way I approach him. He seems to appreciate it very much though, naturally, I did not tell him that I was doing that.

 

[istpunk]

He wants to break up with you.

Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.

 

[CestMoi]

Based on? I gather you're trolling.

 

[FrisbeeLad]

Talking to your ISTP

Yeah...I find it interesting that an ENFP and an ISTP are in a relationship together. I can definitely see them joking around and being very playful and adventurous. I've found ENFP's fairly attractive over the years, but never dated one. There was always something "off" in trying to connect with them communicatively.

When you talk with your ISTP...try to be as:

a) objective
b) factual
c) logical
d) focused (especially for the ENFP...my sister-in-law is an ENFP; plus don't answer interrupting phone calls if you're having a "serious" relationship conversation...that's just a sidelight that used to happen to me with an ex...she was an ESFJ though)
e) and LISTEN carefully because ISTP's don't like to repeat themselves when talking about serious emotional things. I've noticed over the years that ENFP's don't always listen very well because they're so focused on (or maybe from the point of view of an ISTP..."distracted by") the multitude of ideas in their head(s).

Someone mentioned earlier about S's tending to be "out of sight, out of mind". There is some truth to that. I'd say for an ISTP it's like "Out of sight, out for mind (for a few days) if it's a very close person in their lives, and out of sight, out of mind (for a month or so) for not-so-close friends."

 

[CestMoi]

This is great, Frisbee, thanks. My ISTP is a fantastic frisbee player, BTW - very athletic in all areas (no surprise, huh?). I definitely see your point on distraction because only once did I answer the phone - it was an expected call for us both - but he got very upset because my focus was on him and then not. Whoa! That won't happen again, trust me!

I have purposely stopped asking him any questions related to "feeling" and only directed at "thinking". It has worked much better! I'm into a lot of metaphysical stuff but do not talk too much about it because he's not. When I do talk about something (like my new job, for example), I can blab for quite awhile but he lets me talk and participates, as well. There are just as many times that he blabs, though, about some project he's working on, for example.

He does NOT like it when I tell him details about my projects, though. It's a running joke now about my salt water aquarium. LOL I do realize that he likes to see the finished outcome but the details, if he's not interested, really bug him out.

As for the out-of-mind part, that's also been my experience but more as you've described. If we talk more often, things are closer. If not, distance sets in.