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[ISTP] Married to an ISTP and need help!

CestMoi

New member
Joined
Feb 4, 2008
Messages
30
MBTI Type
ENFP
Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
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Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.

ask him.
 

CestMoi

New member
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Feb 4, 2008
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MBTI Type
ENFP
I've tried that, obviously (I AM an ENFP, after all) and assume you're being sarcastic? He says every thing's fine but it doesn't feel like it. Emails are guarded with niceties at the very end but vaguely general in the body.

What I'm looking for is insight about how an ISTP might be thinking/feeling after a period of separation - in other words, we almost broke up then got back together. Things were great in person but the communication remains distant.

Does that clarify things?
 

MacGuffin

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Apr 19, 2007
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xkcd
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sx/sp
Tell him how you feel. Then sex him up. And one more time for good measure.

Then ask.
 

CestMoi

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Feb 4, 2008
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LOL, Mac. A little tough to do long distance but maybe I can make use of the web cam. :)
 

MacGuffin

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LOL, Mac. A little tough to do long distance but maybe I can make use of the web cam. :)
You may have to wait until the next time you see him.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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End the long distance, that's all it takes.
 

INTJMom

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Well, we are actually in a long-distance relationship and have been married for just over a year (working on immigration to Canada - long story). Anyway, we had a period of time of 2.5 months where we did not talk due to a miscommunication.

I went up to see him last week and we had a great time. However, his communication has been very guarded. Can anyone shed some insight? I feel like he doesn't trust me right now - just so you know, the miscommunication fault was due to both of us.
I have 2 ISTP males in my life. They don't talk much and tend to clam up and want to be left alone when they're upset.

Do you know about shadows? That's when we act opposite of our type in negative ways?
This site describes that-

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness,

the ISTP's shadow may appear - a negative form of ENFJ.

Example characteristics are:
  • displaying intense feelings towards others, or insisting on things being done without any logical basis
  • being very sensitive to criticism
  • having a gloomy view of the future
  • attributing unrealistic negative meaning to others actions or statements
ISTP Personality Type
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
3,248
MBTI Type
ENTP
I've tried that, obviously (I AM an ENFP, after all) and assume you're being sarcastic? He says every thing's fine but it doesn't feel like it. Emails are guarded with niceties at the very end but vaguely general in the body.

What I'm looking for is insight about how an ISTP might be thinking/feeling after a period of separation - in other words, we almost broke up then got back together. Things were great in person but the communication remains distant.

Does that clarify things?

i wasn't being sarcastic. sarcastic would be, "well, thank god you came to an internet forum instead of talking to him." see?

and yeah, it does clarify. which is good, because going by the OP, i was starting to suspect you were the reason for the communication problem. :)

so far though, there really is no reason why we would know anymore about why he's acting that way than you would. no matter what his type is.

all i can really say is that if i were in your shoes, i'd think he was cheating. maybe not physically, but in some form. .. maybe just thinking about it.
 

heart

heart on fire
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May 19, 2007
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I have an ISTP relative who was separated from his wife (ISFJ) and gosh he was rude and hateful to her at times and then distant and heartbreaking polite he would not square with her about how he was feeling, but on the phone with me or my husband he would admit he loved her and wanted to work things out but he didn't think they could work things out because of their situation and personality. He would get really fatalistic as a default. They are both stubborn to a fault and spend vast amounts of energy putting the blame on the other person. (I was put into the position of being intermediary by request of both of them which was uncomfortable as hell, not sure I would ever do that again.) They eventually got back together (not sure how much of a blessing that was for either one). Not really sure if this input helps you or not though.

Mac is right, it was after a weekend of her sexing him ( I suggested to her to get herself all fixed up seductive like and quit holding out, lol) up that he cracked with her and finally told her the whole mess of what was going on and it was a mess. What a nightmare of TMI the whole thing was.
 

Randomnity

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Maybe he's just uncertain about trusting you with his exact feelings after such a close call, and is staying a bit detached until he knows he can trust you again.

That's how I sometimes act, though I'm not at all claiming to know what he's thinking.
 

CestMoi

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Feb 4, 2008
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ENFP
Thanks for the input, everyone. INTJMom, I wasn't aware of shadows but these make sense for when he is very tired or upset. Thanks for the link!

Digesthisickness, I was wondering the same thing, actually (if he's considering cheating) due to the distance in communication. Sorry, if I sounded pissy. I wasn't sure of your tone at first. Also, I don't expect anyone to know him better than me, of course. I am simply interested in investigating how an ISTP male (or female, for that matter) might feel in this situation.

Heart, thanks for the insight. Sounds like they are definitely tight-lipped, my husband is, anyway. Occasionally, he has bursts where he goes off on some issue and often is quite negative, which freaks me out since I'm the proverbial positive, bright and shiny beacon. FWIW, I have never held out on him and, in fact, had to restrain myself from being the initiator with him because he totally resists. Last visit, I didn't ask once and we had fun every day - this is totally out of the norm when I'm with him. Lesson learned on that one. LOL.

Randomnity, I appreciate the comment. I don't know whether that's what he's thinking, either, but it does help to hear how you would react given your similar type.
 

heart

heart on fire
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May 19, 2007
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Heart, thanks for the insight. Sounds like they are definitely tight-lipped, my husband is, anyway. Occasionally, he has bursts where he goes off on some issue and often is quite negative, which freaks me out since I'm the proverbial positive, bright and shiny beacon. FWIW, I have never held out on him and, in fact, had to restrain myself from being the initiator with him because he totally resists. Last visit, I didn't ask once and we had fun every day - this is totally out of the norm when I'm with him. Lesson learned on that one. LOL.


lol, Fi can never hold out! :smile:
 

millerm277

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Feb 1, 2008
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ISTP
Maybe he's just uncertain about trusting you with his exact feelings after such a close call, and is staying a bit detached until he knows he can trust you again.

That's how I sometimes act, though I'm not at all claiming to know what he's thinking.

I'll second that. I act that way as well.
 

digesthisickness

✿ڿڰۣஇღ♥ wut ♥ღஇڿڰۣ✿
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Digesthisickness, I was wondering the same thing, actually (if he's considering cheating) due to the distance in communication. Sorry, if I sounded pissy. I wasn't sure of your tone at first. Also, I don't expect anyone to know him better than me, of course. I am simply interested in investigating how an ISTP male (or female, for that matter) might feel in this situation.

don't apologize. it's fine.

and, i'd think that istp or not, anyone would be lonely in that situation. so, it just depends on how well you know him. is he the type to be open to some other girl being a shoulder to 'cry on'? is he cute enough that he'd have girls openly willing to be that girl? etc.

i'd be paying more attention to those kinds of things than what type he is.
 

CestMoi

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Joined
Feb 4, 2008
Messages
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ENFP
don't apologize. it's fine.

and, i'd think that istp or not, anyone would be lonely in that situation. so, it just depends on how well you know him. is he the type to be open to some other girl being a shoulder to 'cry on'? is he cute enough that he'd have girls openly willing to be that girl? etc.

i'd be paying more attention to those kinds of things than what type he is.

You bring up some good points. He may be open to having a shoulder to cry on, I think and yes, for sure, he's cute enough to have girls applying for the position. I guess I'll have to see, if I can get him to open up when we speak tomorrow.
 

INTJMom

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Before we were married, my ISTP husband and I were separated from each other for about half of the two years we knew each other. He was in the Navy, and he got shipped out a lot.

We made sure we talked a lot on the phone, and we would write to each other. I wrote more than he did, but that's understandable. (This was before the internet. ;) )

But your story feels incomplete to me. I can't make heads or tails out of exactly what went on. I think whatever is bugging him now has to do with something you haven't told us, so I don't imagine we can really fully advise you if we don't know what's the matter.

Does he feel you tricked or betrayed him?
That would make him act the way he's acting.

And just generally speaking, ISTPs are not great communicators.
 
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