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  1. #1
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Default ISTPs-two questions

    Hello ISTPs,

    I had two questions-my exmom-in-law and my ex husband are both ISTPs.

    1. Do you find to concentrate on one sound-like a phone convo-you have to turn off other sounds around you? Do you find having multiple sounds around you creates tension and annoyance?


    2. Can you explain why the below situation might be okay from the ISTP perspective?

    Situation: I asked the ex-ISTP to give me and the kids a ride to the train station. He said sure. We are actually on really great terms, no fighting or anything. He shows up to pick us up in his new girlfriends car with his girlfriend. Then we had an oddly ackward drive to the train station. It wasnt as though the were going anywhere or he had to have her that...more like he just wanted her to come along???


    Another time I asked him to take my son to my home to feed my dogs while I was on a business trip. He, instead, made the gf take my son over and the gf got to see my house, in all of its messy glory.

    He also volunteers her for other things-like watching the kids or picking me up for the train station (I'll be taking a cab.)

    The funny thing is that I would totally celebrate holidays with the gf around, go out to dinner, take her out for drinks, or spend social time without an issue and she seems nice and my kids like her and I am happy for him and her....but it seems like he is actually using her as a person to hand off tasks he is helping me with-thus leaving me in her debt, which makes me very uncomfortable, given it places a burden on her.

    Can you shed light on what he might be thinking?

  2. #2
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    1. Yes.
    2. Why would that not be okay?

  3. #3
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    1. Do you find to concentrate on one sound-like a phone convo-you have to turn off other sounds around you? Do you find having multiple sounds around you creates tension and annoyance?
    Absolutely.

    2. Can you explain why the below situation might be okay from the ISTP perspective?

    Situation: I asked the ex-ISTP to give me and the kids a ride to the train station. He said sure. We are actually on really great terms, no fighting or anything. He shows up to pick us up in his new girlfriends car with his girlfriend. Then we had an oddly ackward drive to the train station. It wasnt as though the were going anywhere or he had to have her that...more like he just wanted her to come along???


    Another time I asked him to take my son to my home to feed my dogs while I was on a business trip. He, instead, made the gf take my son over and the gf got to see my house, in all of its messy glory.

    He also volunteers her for other things-like watching the kids or picking me up for the train station (I'll be taking a cab.)

    The funny thing is that I would totally celebrate holidays with the gf around, go out to dinner, take her out for drinks, or spend social time without an issue and she seems nice and my kids like her and I am happy for him and her....but it seems like he is actually using her as a person to hand off tasks he is helping me with-thus leaving me in her debt, which makes me very uncomfortable, given it places a burden on her.

    Can you shed light on what he might be thinking?


    If you know the gf well enough to spend time together I'm not sure why the first one is a problem....it would be weird if you hadn't met before. It is weird if he isn't there too, though (unless you know the gf really well already). Maybe he's just lazy and doesn't see why it bugs you. Have you told him that it does?
    -end of thread-

  4. #4
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    A possible behind the scenes factor here is that something in their relationship is causing this trading off.

    That is, maybe his girlfriend prefers that he doesn't interact with you in certain ways, or he feels uncomfortable so he designates someone else.

    This is totally uninformed, but that's the first thing that I thought of. She doesn't like him having so much one on one time with you, so there is tension between them. As a gesture, he tells her to come along on the drive to pick you up or to take care of tasks.

    Just a guess, no idea if that's anywhere near right.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  5. #5
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    I have a little more time now, so let's take it point by point.
    I agree with Bamboo that there might be reasons/problems you're not aware of, but there are also a few very straight-forward points to think about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Situation: I asked the ex-ISTP to give me and the kids a ride to the train station. He said sure. We are actually on really great terms, no fighting or anything. He shows up to pick us up in his new girlfriends car with his girlfriend. Then we had an oddly ackward drive to the train station. It wasnt as though the were going anywhere or he had to have her that...more like he just wanted her to come along???
    So he has a new girlfriend and wants to spend time with her. Car time is quality time: You have enough to think about so you don't get restless, but at the same time you're actually just sitting with another person with plenty of time to talk.
    He had a specific task to do with you and your kids, and after that they were free to do whatever they wanted. Perhaps he just didn't feel like riding back alone? Or perhaps they had planned to do something else after dropping you off and it just never occurred to him that you might be interested in what they had planned, or he just figured it's on a need to know basis and you don't need to know? The latter is pretty typical for introverted thinkers.

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Another time I asked him to take my son to my home to feed my dogs while I was on a business trip. He, instead, made the gf take my son over and the gf got to see my house, in all of its messy glory.
    If you don't want people to see your house in a messy state, keep it clean. If you don't have the time for that (which I have no reason to question if you have kids), at least accept the fact that things like this will happen now and then. I mean, please: He's got a girlfriend. If he's anything like me, his girlfriend is his best friend - you simply don't live with a person if you can't have that person around all the time. Why on earth would he make a difference between doing you a favor or asking his best friend to do him a favor by helping another friend of his out, if he found that he'd got double-booked for some reason or other?

    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    He also volunteers her for other things-like watching the kids or picking me up for the train station (I'll be taking a cab.)
    To me this sounds more like you have a problem with her than with "what he might be thinking". Which is alright, but in that case, be straight with him instead of asking others what his problem might be. The problem seems to lie on your side.

  6. #6
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    1) yes.

    2) If he has a new girlfriend then I'm sure that is normal for him to have her help him out with his (and your) children. He is simply moving on with his life. Provided the girlfriend is a stable and good person to be around your children - which you state she is - I don't see such an issue. You are not in her debt. I don't understand why you would think so.

    The girlfriend picking you up from the train station thing is sort of weird. I don't know whose idea this was originally but this is something I see having a friend or family member to do rather than an ex or girlfriend of ex.

    It's possible he might feel you still have feelings for him and he might want to keep some distance between you and him and is allowing the girlfriend to take over some of the things asked of him so that in the future it won't be asked of him. As in a passive way of cutting those ties that aren't directly concerning the children. Just a thought and I could be completely wrong.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  7. #7
    Member DoctorYikes's Avatar
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    1. Big-time definitely. I'm almost impossible to communicate with when there are neighborhood kids rampaging through the house, the TV is on, the cat is yowling at something, etc. You have to get my full attention before I'm going to be able to process what you're saying to me.

    2. Maybe a little odd for me personally, but it'd depend on quite a few more variables before I could really thumbs-up or thumbs-down the situation. Coin toss for me.

  8. #8
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Thanks guys, these comments were very helpful-especially from the best friend aspect. Just to clarify-I have only met the girlfriend about four times for very short periods of time. She is very nice but I think you guys are correct, that part of the problem is me-I am very hesitant to ask someone else to do something for me or burden them in the first place. I dont ask for help unless I really need help pretty badly most of the time. Given they are his kids I dont feel too bad asking him for things, but to have the burden then passed on feels very strange to me. It may be I need to not ask him for things as I may be taking advantage of our history for my own purposes-instead I need to just board the dogs or take cabs and such.

    Thanks!!

  9. #9
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    If I care about what I'm working on/listening to, I can easily tune out everything else. I think sound isolation is more of a male/female thing rather than personality.

    His girlfriend may be insisting to help out.

  10. #10
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by turtile View Post
    If I care about what I'm working on/listening to, I can easily tune out everything else. I think sound isolation is more of a male/female thing rather than personality.

    His girlfriend may be insisting to help out.
    I think it is a male/female thing, but it's a male/female thing because it's a personality thing. I've heard that men are more likely than women to be SP or NJ. That means they're more likely to use Se, which is very highly attuned to the environment, and has a difficult time separating one stimulus from another. It's not unique to ISTPs, but I don't think it's something NPs or SJs struggle with as much.

    I could be wrong though, I'm not an expert in human biology.
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