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  1. #11
    Senior Member tkae.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Thanks guys, these comments were very helpful-especially from the best friend aspect. Just to clarify-I have only met the girlfriend about four times for very short periods of time. She is very nice but I think you guys are correct, that part of the problem is me-I am very hesitant to ask someone else to do something for me or burden them in the first place. I dont ask for help unless I really need help pretty badly most of the time. Given they are his kids I dont feel too bad asking him for things, but to have the burden then passed on feels very strange to me. It may be I need to not ask him for things as I may be taking advantage of our history for my own purposes-instead I need to just board the dogs or take cabs and such.

    Thanks!!
    I don't know...

    I'm kind of with you on this one. I just get the feeling that it's almost like a trophy sort of thing, that he's using his new girlfriend to kind of remind you of your new place in his life, and that someone else is in that spot. Sending her to take your son to feed the dogs is almost like he's trying to get her and your son to bond more, which is okay I guess. But it was unnecessary for him to pick you up in her car with her there if he wasn't out with her already and was just swinging by.

    It's just too hinky.

    Even just driving her car whether she was there or not. That'd be odd. But her actually being there is just too over the top.

    Or maybe, from the consensus ISTP reaction, he's just emotionally oblivious and doesn't realize that anything's wrong with the incredibly awkward situations he's creating. Cause I mean... how many kids do you have? Or even if there's just two, the bare minimum for use of the word "kids" (as it's plural), that'd put you and your two kids -- three people -- in the back of the car, assuming it's a standard car that seats four people, and him and his girlfriend up in the front seat.

    That's a power trip right there. That's either a blatant power trip, or it's another example of him being so inconsiderate that he's openly oblivious to common sense that three people in the back of a four-person vehicle (owned and occupied by the "new" woman in his life) would possibly be uncomfortable.

    You can be logically oblivious (Feelers), or you can be emotionally oblivious (Thinkers), but it's just too hinky that he'd be an outright idiot.

    Unless it seated more than four people?
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  2. #12
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freeeekyyy View Post
    I think it is a male/female thing, but it's a male/female thing because it's a personality thing. I've heard that men are more likely than women to be SP or NJ. That means they're more likely to use Se, which is very highly attuned to the environment, and has a difficult time separating one stimulus from another. It's not unique to ISTPs, but I don't think it's something NPs or SJs struggle with as much.

    I could be wrong though, I'm not an expert in human biology.
    I think you are correct about the Se part perhaps...I have noted anecdotal instances of INTJs being hyepr sensitive to certain stimuli but it feels to be more like smells or textures. My INTJ ex dad-in-law actually noted to sound issue about his ISTP wife. She cant talk on the phone and have the car AC on or she gets really anxious. and irritated. My ISTP ex would never eat dinner at the table with us because he couldnt handle the sound of other people chewing food. It does make me wonder if there could be a diff in the ISTP vs INTJ because in the ISTP Se is related more to Ti where in the INTJ, Se is more releated to Fi....thus perhaps sound is more Ti impactful while scent and touch is more Fi impactful. But that is totally out there...

    Quote Originally Posted by tkae. View Post
    I don't know...

    I'm kind of with you on this one. I just get the feeling that it's almost like a trophy sort of thing, that he's using his new girlfriend to kind of remind you of your new place in his life, and that someone else is in that spot. Sending her to take your son to feed the dogs is almost like he's trying to get her and your son to bond more, which is okay I guess. But it was unnecessary for him to pick you up in her car with her there if he wasn't out with her already and was just swinging by.

    It's just too hinky.

    Even just driving her car whether she was there or not. That'd be odd. But her actually being there is just too over the top.

    Or maybe, from the consensus ISTP reaction, he's just emotionally oblivious and doesn't realize that anything's wrong with the incredibly awkward situations he's creating. Cause I mean... how many kids do you have? Or even if there's just two, the bare minimum for use of the word "kids" (as it's plural), that'd put you and your two kids -- three people -- in the back of the car, assuming it's a standard car that seats four people, and him and his girlfriend up in the front seat.

    That's a power trip right there. That's either a blatant power trip, or it's another example of him being so inconsiderate that he's openly oblivious to common sense that three people in the back of a four-person vehicle (owned and occupied by the "new" woman in his life) would possibly be uncomfortable.

    You can be logically oblivious (Feelers), or you can be emotionally oblivious (Thinkers), but it's just too hinky that he'd be an outright idiot.

    Unless it seated more than four people?
    It barely seated four with my older son in the middle. It qualifies as emotionally oblivious, thus potentially highly annoyed if I turn it into an irrational issue.

    Part of the reason I posted the topic was I dont think he is innately this obnoxious intentionally-if he understood the reaction it generates, he might be less likely to do so. I suppose from my viewpoint I could call it emo obliviousness, but to be honest I almost prefer to think of it as him just not speaking the same language as me. Once I understand he doesnt intend to put me in a strange place, it allows me to stop being annoyed and instead try and be productive and solve the problem myself. It just falls into the ISTP-ism category and sort of becomes a non-issue. I guess I feel I cant make him change his world to fit mine...as it isnt how he is built thus would be unfair. I am built to change myself easily, but also to draw boundaries....thus I can flex to a point-then stop and be more logical about what situations I place myself into.

  3. #13
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Part of the reason I posted the topic was I dont think he is innately this obnoxious intentionally-if he understood the reaction it generates, he might be less likely to do so. I suppose from my viewpoint I could call it emo obliviousness, but to be honest I almost prefer to think of it as him just not speaking the same language as me. Once I understand he doesnt intend to put me in a strange place, it allows me to stop being annoyed and instead try and be productive and solve the problem myself. It just falls into the ISTP-ism category and sort of becomes a non-issue. I guess I feel I cant make him change his world to fit mine...as it isnt how he is built thus would be unfair. I am built to change myself easily, but also to draw boundaries....thus I can flex to a point-then stop and be more logical about what situations I place myself into.
    It's funny I read TKAE's post and was like...."whhaaat?" Generally, ISTP's don't even see that far into a situation. Once a relationship is over we generally view it as such and therefore the "emotional responsibility" to that other person no longer exists as it once did. Which is why we can come off as cold or insensitive but it's really just how we move on. At least we are fair about this and expect the same treatment in return.

    It's strange at how different people view the same instances. Needless to say, Orobas your last post that I quoted above seems like the right path to take. Good luck with everything.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  4. #14
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    The back-seat squeeze power trip concept seems far fetched. I wouldn't even consider something so weirdly passive aggressive and difficult to interpret as a way to exert power.

    I wouldn't call a tight car ride "emotional obliviousness." I'd call it "better than walking." Last I checked, that's a favor.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  5. #15
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MDP2525 View Post
    It's funny I read TKAE's post and was like...."whhaaat?" Generally, ISTP's don't even see that far into a situation.
    Me too. No offense intended but not only would an istp almost certainly not be intending to convey those things, they sound very bizarre for anyone to do. It makes me wonder if you are reading things that aren't there to start off with, in either istps or the general public. That's reading extreme passive-aggression into a lot of things that other people do...that's bordering on paranoia for me, if it isn't there already.

    edit: I don't think it's inconsiderate of him to have her in the car - it would be far more inconsiderate to demand she not be there. He's the one doing the favour, taking time out of his day for a non-emergency situation to save you a cab ride home. She was probably with him earlier in the day and he didn't want to drive out of his way to drop her off, pick you up, drop you off, and pick her up again. If she relies on him for her transportation or she was spending time with him, it's also inconveniencing her to pick you up, even if she stays in the car.

    I think it's unfair to suggest that he needs to carefully avoid the suggestion of hurting feelings by having her there. If anything he's paying you a compliment that he doesn't think you'll get upset over small things that don't intend offense.
    -end of thread-

  6. #16
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Orobas View Post
    Can you shed light on what he might be thinking?
    1. He likes having her around (men like having their woman around) and is not thinking about how anyone else feels about it.
    2. People are lazy and will let someone else to do their work for them if they can.
    3. Any problem you have with this will come off as you still being in love with him, to him, her and your new love interest.

  7. #17
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    He's probably just oblivious and is being efficient or doing whatever he feels like. I don't think it's wrong or strange for you to be bothered that your ex's new woman friend is spending time with or doing minor things to help care of your kids. You asked him, not her. He is their father. A lot of people would probably be bothered by this more than you are.

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  8. #18
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    ^ I agree that she should be bothered. I would be too (esp with the gf coming into my house while I'm not there). I still think that he won't care. Lots of people are insensitive like this and talking to them about it will only lead them to believe that you are just jealous or a hater.

  9. #19
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    So to give a perspective on an alternate situation..

    I am planning the trip home for christmas with the kids. I actually am very, very close to my former in laws (I call them mom and dad) and will be spending christmas with them. I am bringing home my INTJ, my new SO. The ISTP will be there as well.

    I am totally freaked out that the ISTP will be upset or uncomfortable by this action. I have tried to emphasize that he just needs to let me know if spending christmas with the my new SO is uncomfortable-and with just a word I will not do so. He says he doesnt care at all. I also tried to convince him he should bring his new SO, but he said no. (He really isnt into holidays to be honest). I also checked and double checked with the in-laws to make sure they would be comfortable as well as the poor INTJ, to make sure he would be comfortable.

    If any person had indicated unhappiness-I would totally modify the plans.

    ^^So you can kinda of get an idea how I look forward into a situation and work really hard to try and minimize the potential for emotional discomfort before hand. It's because I am an ENFP, thus it is what I do. I wouldnt expect an ISTP or even an INTJ to try and or even really be good at this, so I cant really get annoyed if they dont.

    Also we have been broken up so long that we dont really have any emo-envy stuff going on. I help out with stuff-like he had to get help with getting his car towed due to two flats and I let him use my AAA, and waited with him till the truck came. I am also going to ask him to help me with installation of some light fixtures in my house.

    But on a funnier note, I guess his new SO has been getting mad at him as he keeps making her do stuff for him, hehehe. Giggly is kinda right...he's kinda lazy sometimes too He is a really good dad though.

  10. #20
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Oh my word.

    That sounds like a big mess.

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