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  1. #1
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Default istp-expressing want

    i've noticed my istp rarely expresses want. it goes along with his indecisiveness. at the same time, however, he think it's fine to put the responsibility on me:

    "whatever YOU want"

    he says to me often.

    but sometimes it just comes down to him having to decide. i asked him if he WANTED to come to a hockey game with me... and after much dialogue... he finally says.. "i'll go. i should be done work earlier today."

    i don't expect super flowery language from him, but i do take note that his "i'll go" is not the same as "i want to go." it's the same as his earlier "yeah, i can come."

    it's not IF YOU CAN. i'm not asking IF YOU CAN. i'm asking IF YOU WANT TO!!

    hahaha.

    what is this?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Trentham's Avatar
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    Default

    It's likely that he simply prefers to be flexible and not impose his will upon you. What is often interpreted by others as indecisiveness from IXTPs is actually a combination of a naturally adaptable mindset being equally satisfied with any number of outcomes, along with inferior Fe seeking interpersonal harmony.
    83% I 70% N 64% T 73% P | 5w4 sp/so/sx | Chaotic Good

  3. #3
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Default

    istp and i was constantly

    what do you want?
    what do you want?
    i asked you first.
    whatever you want.
    but...only if you want.
    do you want to?
    but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT


  4. #4
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    istp and i was constantly

    what do you want?
    what do you want?
    i asked you first.
    whatever you want.
    but...only if you want.
    do you want to?
    but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

    horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm the same way! i don't want to "impose my will" on him either, but... i wouldn't have asked him to come if i didn't WANT him there... i don't want him to come if he's only coming to appease me! blaaaaah.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Trentham's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    istp and i was constantly

    what do you want?
    what do you want?
    i asked you first.
    whatever you want.
    but...only if you want.
    do you want to?
    but...but WHAT DO YOU WANT

    I was married to an ISTP for 7 years and it would sometimes take us the better part of an afternoon to decide which fast food restaurant to pick up dinner from.
    83% I 70% N 64% T 73% P | 5w4 sp/so/sx | Chaotic Good

  6. #6
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Default

    My isfp (isxp, maybe) and I are always like:

    Me: want to do X?
    him: nah not really
    me: well what do you want to do? (eat/etc)
    him: I dunno
    me: how about X? (go to step 1; repeat until one of us gets bored/frustrated and stops)

    A lot of the problem is he is pretty fixed on certain types of food (like burgers) and doesn't like most others - like almost all asian food (how is that possible?!!). But he knows I don't like eating out at burger places so he doesn't want to suggest them. My solution is to stay patient, toss a bunch of ideas out until one sticks...sometimes even burgers.

    I don't have a problem expressing my wants though, if they're strong enough. If it's something I want to go to, I'd say something like "sounds good!" vs. if I didn't want to go but partner clearly wanted me to, I'd be like " ok, we can go". But that's just me. Some people just don't get obviously excited about things.
    -end of thread-

  7. #7
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Trentham View Post
    It's likely that he simply prefers to be flexible and not impose his will upon you. What is often interpreted by others as indecisiveness from IXTPs is actually a combination of a naturally adaptable mindset being equally satisfied with any number of outcomes, along with inferior Fe seeking interpersonal harmony.
    This is accurate.

    Rachelinpa,

    I don't know about your SO but I know I'm pretty selfish with my time. Even when in a relationship. When someone asks me if I want to go somewhere I say "I can go" because in my head I'm asking myself, "Do I have the energy for this?" "Can I go the rest of the night being around noisy fans?" "Am I going to enjoy this?" So when we answer those questions in the affirmative it comes out as "I can go" because that's how we are internally judging your question - "Can I or can't I?" It's our default. We don't want to say we can do something and then realize it's too much. That sucks for everyone. So we are answering that question for ourselves but also for you - if we care about you.

    It isn't a question of want. We know "want" right out of the gate. We don't need to think about it. When I say "I want" it's reserved for something I really enjoy but don't get to do as much as I'd like to. For instance, dirtbike riding, trivia contests, sex, whatever. You get the picture.

    Don't take that to mean that we don't or can't enjoy the "I can" things. It's just the "I want" things don't require us to expend energy outside our comfort zone. That's all the distinction is.
    ~luck favors the ready~


    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  8. #8
    The Destroyer Colors's Avatar
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    Default

    This happens all the time when I'm in a group of introverts, it seems, Rachelinpa. Especially Ps. Restaurants! Best to just have one person throw out ideas, and the others have the option to veto. Sometimes strategic pauses work well too. Discussing just overwhelms with options.

    But yeah, I don't know your ISTP, Rachelinpa. But for myself, the pause is all about actually making a decision. I could discuss possibilities forever!

  9. #9
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Default

    Is this a P thing?

  10. #10
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    Default Speak to me in a language I can hear...

    Well, sometimes I have trouble intepreting ISTP. But only if I don't "think" to understand the other person is an ISTP too.

    i.e. My longest and goodest ISTP friend. I hear a concert advertisement on the radio and wish my friend could go. Band of mutual significance. We're ten years older now, one dating, one with kids and a couple hundred miles between us.

    So I'm talking with my friend and tell him about the band coming. He ask if they're coming to the city where he lives, and if that's the one I'm planning on seeing?

    That right there instantly told me the dude wanted to go. Took a couple of days to get the wife/girlfriend hall passes. But in-between I heard "I really, really want to go." Which is an incredibly rare statement for an ISTP to make.

    I never asked him directly. Just told him if he showed up, there was a ticket waiting for him. uh, went to see Sublime with Rome, standing in for Brad.

    hmm...teenaged nephew's also an ISTP. Annoys the crap out of me he won't make a decision when picking out places to eat. So we'll start driving having agreed it's time to eat. I'll offer up infinate possibilities. Try to narrow it down to a type of food... still get "doesn't matter, wherever you drive."

    An ISTP will tell you exactly, if you listen for tone and inflection. Even if it hasn't yet specifically occurred to them in a committed way.

    In summary, choosing to go see Sublime was easy. That was a once in a life time and tenured opportunity. Unlike the choice of where to eat. Where to eat or where to go? Is similar to standing in the shampoo isle at Target. Holy crap thousands of bottles and hundreds of brands! It's confusing for a sensor perceiver!

    You'll probably get a blank stare or observe the ISTP picking up bottles and reading lables...unless they've already got a favorite one. They're tried and true sure of.

    Like I automatically know which weeks my nephew wants the tried and true. No matter what he says. Other weeks, it's a toss at the dart board.

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