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Thread: more istp-enfp.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    Default more istp-enfp.

    my istp likes his freedom. he likes to go away to the shore with his friends and pursue his own hobbies. he always checks in with me and i'm not at all concerned about him being unfaithful. he appreciates that i give him the space that he needs, and i do really value and appreciate his loyalty towards me.

    i am pretty accommodating and understand his need for freedom so i rarely complain about it. nevertheless, sometimes it makes me sad and i wonder why he does not want to see me all the time. i feel ridiculous for wanting that and for feeling "needy." it seems silly for him to have to accommodate my need for time as i do for him needing space. shouldn't you want to spend lots of time with the person you are dating?

    i have plenty of hobbies and i am always on the go, so the issue is not really that i don't have a life outside of him. it just seems that he is so much more satisfied by doing things without me and i feel like i just do them so that i am not perceived as clingy and to keep our relationship healthy.

    i wonder if i am supposed to be bothered that he does not want to spend as much time with me as i want to spend with him. am i supposed to care? is it an indication of a lack of interest in me? or is it really just that we are different in this way.

    it is also hard because since he is not very verbal about how he actually feels about me, i am only going by his actions. i don't think he really misses me when he is not with me and he never acts excited to see me. he is reassuring that he is happy with me and is comfortable in our relationship... but i don't know. sometimes the enfp side of me just wants that crazy passionate i'd drive five hours in a hailstorm to see someone i love kind of relationship... because i guess to me, that's what love is in a way. he is so much more RELAXED about it... and everything... for that matter.

    it's really not that HUGE of a deal, but it is a consistent theme.

    any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    my istp likes his freedom. he likes to go away to the shore with his friends and pursue his own hobbies. he always checks in with me and i'm not at all concerned about him being unfaithful. he appreciates that i give him the space that he needs, and i do really value and appreciate his loyalty towards me.
    I actually am discussing this a bit in a couple other threads ( ). My ISFP girlfriend likes her freedom too. No worries about her being unfaithful either, and I give her space when she needs it. But...

    i am pretty accommodating and understand his need for freedom so i rarely complain about it. nevertheless, sometimes it makes me sad and i wonder why he does not want to see me all the time. i feel ridiculous for wanting that and for feeling "needy." it seems silly for him to have to accommodate my need for time as i do for him needing space. shouldn't you want to spend lots of time with the person you are dating?
    THIS!!! I want to spend time with her doing different things. I have my guy time with my guy friends, but otherwise when I'm doing an activity I want her to be there as well. She isn't always like this. Sometimes keeps me and her activities separate. I appreciate this on paper, but on a fundamental level I don't understand it at all since it's so different from me.

    i have plenty of hobbies and i am always on the go, so the issue is not really that i don't have a life outside of him. it just seems that he is so much more satisfied by doing things without me and i feel like i just do them so that i am not perceived as clingy and to keep our relationship healthy.
    Same. I have a very active life with a number of hobbies/interests/pursuits that keep me busy. But I feel a bit clingy too for wanting to spend more time with her and her with me. But that feels very foreign to me because I'm not a needy guy.

    i wonder if i am supposed to be bothered that he does not want to spend as much time with me as i want to spend with him. am i supposed to care? is it an indication of a lack of interest in me? or is it really just that we are different in this way.

    it is also hard because since he is not very verbal about how he actually feels about me, i am only going by his actions. i don't think he really misses me when he is not with me and he never acts excited to see me. he is reassuring that he is happy with me and is comfortable in our relationship... but i don't know. sometimes the enfp side of me just wants that crazy passionate i'd drive five hours in a hailstorm to see someone i love kind of relationship... because i guess to me, that's what love is in a way. he is so much more RELAXED about it... and everything... for that matter.

    it's really not that HUGE of a deal, but it is a consistent theme.

    any thoughts?
    I wonder the same thing. I know how she feels about me, but I'm of the thought that if you really love someone you want to spend time with them and show them you care. She isn't very verbal either most of the time. Thankfully she's a bit less restrained with her affection in text messages.

    That second thought is like me as well. I jumped head first into the relationship and WOULD drive five hours in a hailstorm to see her. And it throws me off that she isn't like this. I'm trying to understand why...
    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    yes, i guess it's probably just a personality difference that may never go away.

    i think i'm pretty low maintenance depending on your definition of that: i have my own set of friends, i can fend for myself in social settings and i don't require any financial support or fancy gifts... but there is the exception of my need for TIME. i need a lot of it.

    and, i guess maybe it's more natural for istps to support their partners in more concrete ways (i.e. fixing stuff, giving thoughtful gifts, offering rides). when i translate my need for TIME into concrete terms, they do it like they would giving someone a gift--but unfortunately, it's not with the same eager excitement since it is not as natural for them as it is for me.

    my istp is such a good boyfriend that i just so much hate that he has to sacrifice TIME for me and it's not this awesome exciting thing to him. it makes me almost not want it... i mean, if i have to ask, then he has to consent to my request, and then i am a chore. i am:

    'have to have dinner with the family tonight'
    'have to return those netflix'
    'have to pay my phone bill'
    'have to have date night tonight. sorry, boys.'

    i tell him this and he says "oh minner, i do want to spend time with you, but i just thought that i would see you tomorrow." well buster, that kind of sucks!! i get mad when i think about this, but then i consider how wonderful he is and i guess i will just have to deal with it... and well, try to RELAX and understand that he loves me even though he does not express it as i would.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    my istp likes his freedom. he likes to go away to the shore with his friends and pursue his own hobbies. he always checks in with me and i'm not at all concerned about him being unfaithful. he appreciates that i give him the space that he needs, and i do really value and appreciate his loyalty towards me.

    i am pretty accommodating and understand his need for freedom so i rarely complain about it. nevertheless, sometimes it makes me sad and i wonder why he does not want to see me all the time. i feel ridiculous for wanting that and for feeling "needy." it seems silly for him to have to accommodate my need for time as i do for him needing space. shouldn't you want to spend lots of time with the person you are dating?

    i have plenty of hobbies and i am always on the go, so the issue is not really that i don't have a life outside of him. it just seems that he is so much more satisfied by doing things without me and i feel like i just do them so that i am not perceived as clingy and to keep our relationship healthy.

    i wonder if i am supposed to be bothered that he does not want to spend as much time with me as i want to spend with him. am i supposed to care? is it an indication of a lack of interest in me? or is it really just that we are different in this way.

    it is also hard because since he is not very verbal about how he actually feels about me, i am only going by his actions. i don't think he really misses me when he is not with me and he never acts excited to see me. he is reassuring that he is happy with me and is comfortable in our relationship... but i don't know. sometimes the enfp side of me just wants that crazy passionate i'd drive five hours in a hailstorm to see someone i love kind of relationship... because i guess to me, that's what love is in a way. he is so much more RELAXED about it... and everything... for that matter.

    it's really not that HUGE of a deal, but it is a consistent theme.

    any thoughts?
    Its a lack of interest in the things that you are interested in. If he does things with friends that you both would enjoy it could be your company during those things. Me and my wife enjoy different things and the things that I enjoy she is scared of. I tend to be around more tomboys though so I end up doing these things that would scare her with other people, namely women. Luckily most of them are family so she usually has no worries or fears about these other women. I offer her the same freedom, to do the things with other people and leave me behind. I dont want to drag her down and I guess I expect the same thing in certain areas that are activity related. There are enough activity things that we share though that holds us together.

    I am very activity based and thats one of the things I look for in any relationship. Its what will hold things together because of who I am. What holds each relationship together is different.

    I cant answer to what your supposed to do. If you care then you care. I cant offer any help on that front. From the best of my knowledge and experience, not just personally. Some things will remain a constant struggle within a person and other things can be let go of. I dont know how type related the concept of the struggle is across a similiar type, but the exact details will differ between each person.
    Im out, its been fun

  5. #5
    One day and the next Rainne's Avatar
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    the key to talking to an istp is to be as vague and non-commital as possible to keep him/her interested:

    "yo"
    "yo"
    "you want to do stuff?"
    "like what?"
    "i don't know, anything"
    "i guess..."
    "i'll be at your house some time later"
    "ok"

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa
    sometimes it makes me sad and i wonder why he does not want to see me all the time.
    it's normal
    Weathergirl: District 38 is sunny. Slight rock showers this morning. Chance of rock showers into the afternoon—20 percent. District 39 is cloudy. Chance of rock showers this afternoon—10 percent.
    Edward: Bebop here here! Alright woo hoo!
    Weathergirl: Chance of rock showers today upgraded to 90 percent.
    Edward: Really.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Willfrey's Avatar
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    So what is he doing when he is going out with the guys? What are these hobbies that exclude you? I didn't invite my Ex on some of the things I do because I knew she really didn't like going, or at least got the impression. For instance, she was a cat person and generally like small cute animals. I on the other hand liked blasting these small cute animals with a .22 (namely ground squirrels, rock chucks, pheasants, etc)
    ...Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and two guns blazed in the dark;
    And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two men lay stiff and stark...

  7. #7
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    he's not inviting me because he needs his time to hang out with his dude friends sans mini (me). no explanation beyond that he just needs space occasionally and likes to have different options. if i ever expressed to him that it was important we spend time together on a certain day, he would oblige me. but, as i said above, i don't want to be a chore. i want him to come up with it on his own!

    the key to talking to an istp is to be as vague and non-commital as possible
    hahaha. yeah, i hear that. but then he asks me what i want to do, and i have to come up with the plan so he can ride along. the newer, the better. i'm not used to being the one with the "strong" preferences, but he generally cares less about what we do than i do believe it or not.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rainne View Post
    the key to talking to an istp is to be as vague and non-commital as possible to keep him/her interested:

    "yo"
    "yo"
    "you want to do stuff?"
    "like what?"
    "i don't know, anything"
    "i guess..."
    "i'll be at your house some time later"
    "ok"



    it's normal
    lol that's the convo I have with my ISTJ friend.

  9. #9
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Aww..I know exactly what ya mean. I'm the same way and would try to be all acomodating too but I'd be sad about it and feel like feelings weren't mutual and can't stand inequality in relationships...ughh...no advice really..
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
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  10. #10
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    I have been on the other side of that and I think there is a lot of misunderstanding about how the ISTP feels simply because it's not verbalized and that gives your emotional needs any reason they want to come up with to know why they aren't being filled.


    I can't speak for every ISTP but behind the intensity I'm very low key. When I spend my time doing something, it's because I want to even though I may not have initiated it or seem particularly excited about it. Think about how protective he is of doing his thing. If you're not there you don't see he probably has the same laid back approach to everything he likes to do. If he spends time with you, it means he wants to be doing that thing just as much. If someone suggests an idea and I don't wanna do it, then I'll just outright avoid doing that. If it sounds good, I'll go with it and see what happens. So a lack of an excited response does not indicate a lack of interest, only a negative or avoid ant response would.

    then again, people often think Im avoiding them (projecting... if I dont want to do something I dont pretend otherwise) but really I just need a ridiculous amount of alone time. It's not because I like being with them any less, it's because I know my brain needs a certain amount of time regularly in a low stimulation environment (alone, or with other people who dont wanna talk) to make that time that I am with them worthwhile. If i dont have that alone time I get stressed and that turns into distant attitude when i am with people because I haven't gotten it

    also, we want to remain adaptable to whatever changes might come up which adds to the vibe of being indifferent of what we end up doing. but i think the other istps will agree with me in saying that even if we're open to new experiences and good ideas of activities doesnt mean we waste our time doing something we dislike if we dont have to. so time spent with a person means that time is valuable to us. time away from someone/people is valuable to us and when we spend time with other people even though they dont' know that. As long as we feel like we're still in control of choosing what we wanna do on a moment by moment basis without burdens, then we're happy and then him choosing to be with you is a clear indicator that he sincerely cares about you. probably more than you think (lack of verbalization).

    one last thing. you probably feel like youre making the time together an obligation, but I think it's because you know you can't discuss what feels like insecurity with him because he wouldn't respond well. Well, he probably wouldn't, but that's because ISTP like to fix things and so when you present us with an emotional issue that we don't have a solution for, it kinda makes us a little angry that we can't really do much about it. ive found that in those situations, i shouldnt try to fix anything but just try to express my unverbalized feelings better. try encouraging him to do that instead. it's a great skill for us to develop.

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