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Thread: more istp-enfp.

  1. #11
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    Its a lack of interest in the things that you are interested in. If he does things with friends that you both would enjoy it could be your company during those things.
    I can't really speak for an ISTP, but I highly doubt that. Being another introvert, I can say that I do prefer one on one interactions. So if I'm interacting with my boyfriend, I'd rather interact with him alone because the dynamics are changed if friends are around. If I'm around my lady friends, the dynamics would be changed if my boyfriend were around. I like to get on very personal basis with people, and that means separating or compartmentalizing the people I know. However, there are times and places for bringing them all together, such as cook outs or parties. But that's a whole other compartment of interacting as well. When it comes to interests, I'd much rather have a significant other that has interests that are different from my own, that way I'd have time to do the things I want to do without having others around me. It's just a need to be alone, think alone, work alone, sit alone... that extroverts just need not take personally. He very well could be off and about thinking how lucky he is to have found such a wonderful partner that gives him the space he needs.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  2. #12
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    he's not inviting me because he needs his time to hang out with his dude friends sans mini (me). no explanation beyond that he just needs space occasionally and likes to have different options. if i ever expressed to him that it was important we spend time together on a certain day, he would oblige me. but, as i said above, i don't want to be a chore. i want him to come up with it on his own!



    hahaha. yeah, i hear that. but then he asks me what i want to do, and i have to come up with the plan so he can ride along. the newer, the better. i'm not used to being the one with the "strong" preferences, but he generally cares less about what we do than i do believe it or not.
    i live with an ISTP + ESFP couple. they seem to be quite a good match. reasons why: she has a million and one friends to keep her occupied, and so he gets his alone time. she keeps him intellectually stimulated. she likes to debate with him. since she's the "life's a party" type, and he's the "life's an adventure type," she keeps him on his toes a lot, and she gets someone who likes to join along for the ride. they travel A LOT! ISTP's are laid back and easy going. why? because they'd prefer life to be spontaneous. they aren't the best at understanding emotions... but if you can put into a logical understanding why you carry such emotions, they can be very understanding and offer the emotional needs you require. i've seen these two butt heads a lot because of the emotional/logical differences. show him your fun side, give him his space, match him on an intellectual level... he's puddy in your hands.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  3. #13
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Well, he's a good boyfriend like you said so I recommend getting other hobbies and/or other friends to fill up your time spent away from him so that you can decrease that longing feeling and be more content with the way things are.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    Question- If I give my girlfriend a day where she can relax and be herself and I go off and hang with my friends, but I send her a text to show I'm still thinking of her, is that more likely to be:

    a) Thoughtful and she'll like that
    b) Invading her "be herself" time

    I can just ask her that, but you guys are better able to explain why.
    ENFP Male: E-74% N-95% F-58% P-84% 3w2
    "I feel there are two people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her, she'll screw me every time, and if I follow her, we get along quite nicely." -Kim Basinger

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    Honestly, out of sight...out of mind. ISTP's are focused on the present moment doing activities and when we're young and when we're older we need dude activity time. We're not going to sit around with a bunch of guys holding hands and singing kumbya.

    We're not going to sit around with our girlfriends and significant others and hold hands while watching the women in peril channel, oprah...but we just might sit around with an SO and play our guitar sing a little kumbya. Snuggle a bit in teh' sleeping bag, crash out...and get a little frisky in the early morning hours. Crash out again, wake up and cook breakfast to share. Preferably around eleven or so. : )

    For ISTP mom's. Your kid's not going to call you from Summer camp. It's not going to happen. Period. End of story.

    But when they get back, they're happy to see mom and ready to do something. Summer camps in the past. Whoever enjoyed their company that week, out of sight out of mind.

    The subtitle on the ISTP's "Don't Tread on Me" flag. Also say's "Don't Smother Me." in fine print. "Don't Fence Me In."

    It's like a biorhythm. If you adapt to or share a similar biorhythm. Yeah, that's a keeper.

    Ebb and flow...give and take.

    uh, I had a thought, and then I lost it.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    Honestly, out of sight...out of mind. ISTP's are focused on the present moment doing activities and when we're young and when we're older we need dude activity time. We're not going to sit around with a bunch of guys holding hands and singing kumbya.

    We're not going to sit around with our girlfriends and significant others and hold hands while watching the women in peril channel, oprah...but we just might sit around with an SO and play our guitar sing a little kumbya. Snuggle a bit in teh' sleeping bag, crash out...and get a little frisky in the early morning hours. Crash out again, wake up and cook breakfast to share. Preferably around eleven or so. : )

    For ISTP mom's. Your kid's not going to call you from Summer camp. It's not going to happen. Period. End of story.

    But when they get back, they're happy to see mom and ready to do something. Summer camps in the past. Whoever enjoyed their company that week, out of sight out of mind.

    The subtitle on the ISTP's "Don't Tread on Me" flag. Also say's "Don't Smother Me." in fine print. "Don't Fence Me In."

    It's like a biorhythm. If you adapt to or share a similar biorhythm. Yeah, that's a keeper.

    Ebb and flow...give and take.

    uh, I had a thought, and then I lost it.
    you tell em mr slippy.

  7. #17
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by foolish heart View Post
    I have been on the other side of that and I think there is a lot of misunderstanding about how the ISTP feels simply because it's not verbalized and that gives your emotional needs any reason they want to come up with to know why they aren't being filled.


    I can't speak for every ISTP but behind the intensity I'm very low key. When I spend my time doing something, it's because I want to even though I may not have initiated it or seem particularly excited about it. Think about how protective he is of doing his thing. If you're not there you don't see he probably has the same laid back approach to everything he likes to do. If he spends time with you, it means he wants to be doing that thing just as much. If someone suggests an idea and I don't wanna do it, then I'll just outright avoid doing that. If it sounds good, I'll go with it and see what happens. So a lack of an excited response does not indicate a lack of interest, only a negative or avoid ant response would.

    then again, people often think Im avoiding them (projecting... if I dont want to do something I dont pretend otherwise) but really I just need a ridiculous amount of alone time. It's not because I like being with them any less, it's because I know my brain needs a certain amount of time regularly in a low stimulation environment (alone, or with other people who dont wanna talk) to make that time that I am with them worthwhile. If i dont have that alone time I get stressed and that turns into distant attitude when i am with people because I haven't gotten it

    also, we want to remain adaptable to whatever changes might come up which adds to the vibe of being indifferent of what we end up doing. but i think the other istps will agree with me in saying that even if we're open to new experiences and good ideas of activities doesnt mean we waste our time doing something we dislike if we dont have to. so time spent with a person means that time is valuable to us. time away from someone/people is valuable to us and when we spend time with other people even though they dont' know that. As long as we feel like we're still in control of choosing what we wanna do on a moment by moment basis without burdens, then we're happy and then him choosing to be with you is a clear indicator that he sincerely cares about you. probably more than you think (lack of verbalization).

    one last thing. you probably feel like youre making the time together an obligation, but I think it's because you know you can't discuss what feels like insecurity with him because he wouldn't respond well. Well, he probably wouldn't, but that's because ISTP like to fix things and so when you present us with an emotional issue that we don't have a solution for, it kinda makes us a little angry that we can't really do much about it. ive found that in those situations, i shouldnt try to fix anything but just try to express my unverbalized feelings better. try encouraging him to do that instead. it's a great skill for us to develop.
    This. Very much so.

    If I was doing something I didn't want to do, I would make it known. Sometimes I'd just be grumpy, sometimes I'll just flat out say I don't want to be doing it. But if I'm being chill, then by all means, I'm enjoying whatever it is I'm doing.

    And most likely, it does have to do (at least a little bit) with him not wanting to force his hobbies on you. If he thought you could enjoy them with him, I don't see why he'd resist it. Maybe I'm just a slightly more cuddly ISTP (Don't get the wrong idea... only very special people can draw this out of me ), but I love it when my SOs can enjoy whatever it is I'm doing with me. Some people are tiresome, but I purposely choose SOs to energize me. So what I mean is, if most people were doing a hobby with me, then yeah... it might be draining on me and I rather them not be there. But there are individuals who can do whatever it is I'm doing with me and they just fit into my introverted time. Usually my SOs are those people, and I know ENXPs are capable of being that for ISTPs.

    So my advice to you would be to ask him about his hobbies more often, and show interest (in as subtle, and non-invasive way as possible). Maybe he'll take the time to teach you whatever it is. If he goes with friends, he may not what to interrupt their time to teach you, so perhaps you can go separate with him another time. Or even 100x more bonus points... teach yourself ;D
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  8. #18
    Senior Member toast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelinpa View Post
    yes, i guess it's probably just a personality difference that may never go away.

    i think i'm pretty low maintenance depending on your definition of that: i have my own set of friends, i can fend for myself in social settings and i don't require any financial support or fancy gifts... but there is the exception of my need for TIME. i need a lot of it.

    and, i guess maybe it's more natural for istps to support their partners in more concrete ways (i.e. fixing stuff, giving thoughtful gifts, offering rides). when i translate my need for TIME into concrete terms, they do it like they would giving someone a gift--but unfortunately, it's not with the same eager excitement since it is not as natural for them as it is for me.

    i tell him this and he says "oh minner, i do want to spend time with you, but i just thought that i would see you tomorrow." well buster, that kind of sucks!! i get mad when i think about this, but then i consider how wonderful he is and i guess i will just have to deal with it... and well, try to RELAX and understand that he loves me even though he does not express it as i would.
    Hey, this seems like a "love languages" issue. Everyone is different but I'd say ISTPs are more "acts of service" & "giving/recieving gifts", while ENFPs look for "quality time" and "verbal affirmation." The thing that's usually not understood about these is that to someone who gets or gives love in one language, it is the way the meaning is recieved but not the actual act or words that conveys love. So, if you look for "quality time", you are looking for it to mean something to him. That's natural.

    In the same sense, if he gives an "act of service", he isn't doing it just to fix your dryer. (If he loves you). It is less on the surface but it does mean something if he is doing it for you, and he gets good feelings from it (finds meaning in it) if he chooses to do it on his own. Your priority might be to 'share' with each other, his is more to 'give' or 'add' to each other's lives.

    With this in mind... use his love language to your advantage instead of believing it isn't as valid. Tell him that the two things that make you happiest and most comfortable is one on one time and words of affirmation. You can give him examples but he probably doesn't even need them. He will have more trouble with the words of affirmation, but if he gives either on his own (and I'm sure he will because you're being direct and he loves you), it will be an "act of service" or a "gift" just as you are worried it would be, but to him that is by no means equal to a chore. This is exactly how he feels your love - through your excitement that it meant something to you. I'm pretty sure the more you accept his "gifts" of quality time and the times he awkwardly says something sweet that you know he had to force out, you will start to see that they are genuine and they mean as much to him as long as you are receiving and appreciating them.

    I hope I'm making sense. I just see the whole thing as compatible but not transparent. It seems like you can't get meaning when he chooses to give you what you're asking for but that's not the case. At first, it appears that way but he adapts to giving you what you need, his way. He won't bend, he'll choose to make his 'gifts' what you're asking for, even though they aren't the first things on his wishlist. ISTPs seem excellent at this kind of adaptation.

    And I agree that the 'out of sight, out of mind' thing applies in that, when he is spending time with you I highly doubt he ever sees it as a chore. It just doesn't occur to him that it would be a priority to you, but doing what he can to make a positive impression on you is likely a priority to him. I would not 'let it slide' though... it may be a natural difference but it is still a need. It would suck for him to realize it was so important after it had already made you insecure.
    ____________________________________________
    "In my soul rages a battle without victor. Between faith without proof and reason without charm." - Sully Prudhomme

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