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  1. #1
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Default ESFP + INFP - some input...

    Actually, any input from extroverts may help...

    So I've been friends with this ESFP for a few months now, and we spent the a weekend together recently when he was in SoCal. He recently told me he was interested in me as more than a friend and blah blah blah & so now we're dating.

    The thing is, now that he has gone back to his state, he calls me nearly everyday and wants to talk for like THREE HOURS at a time. He's one of those people who will talk to you while they do other stuff - like they just want to keep you on the phone all the time, as if you were right there with them.

    That's sweet on the one hand, and of course I enjoy talking to him (and I realize with this being long-distance for the time being, I'll probably have to make better friends with my phone...), and I really appreciate how straight-forward he has been with his interest in me (no stupid games), and I also really like that he takes the initiative to call me (as I'm bad about that)...BUT, I am also an expressed introvert, and I find it very exhausting.

    I want to talk to him, but I almost fear how long the conversation will be. After like 2 hours or so, I interject with a reason to end the call because I find my brain just glazing over - but he always sounds disappointed. I HATE always being the one to end the call. It seems like it may never end if I don't though....like he NEVER starts winding down.

    I'm on the phone right now & I don't know how to get off :eek:
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

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  2. #2
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    have you explained this to him?

    sometimes Extroverts forget that Introverts find continual chatting to be exhausting because we think it's a good way to feel there to a person and like we're with them
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  3. #3
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Hmm... Orange, for some reason I thought you didn't like ESFP's overall. A post somewhere or something. That is a random side note. ( As you may have found out, ESFP's like to say things that are off track.)

    I would just cut him off early in most conversations. Have a time limit for yourself. Whatever is right- it won't be offensive to just explain to him that you aren't a huge phone person and would like to talk to him, but can't stay on the phone all that long. A lot of people don't like talking on the phone for hours- it is not an unreasonable request.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Yeah - my ex-esfp friend, once she got into the habit, called me all the time whenever she was alone - walking home, on a break, etc, etc and would talk about mundane-ish things and I didn't know what to do with her as I hate talking on the phone - esp. when the other person goes on and on and doesn't really listen to you back - and esp. if it goes over thirty minutes.

    I think the honest way is the way to go if you don't want to give him the wrong idea. But ... wouldn't you have to substitute the phone talking with something else since it's long-distance? That's a tough one. Texting? Emailing? Skype?

    Also, congrats on finding someone you like! As a sidenote: I really like you and always relate to your posts so I am happy for you!

  5. #5
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    have you explained this to him?
    I just don't want to hurt his feelings. The thing is, he just broke up with his ex fiance a few months ago, and he's kind of fragile. It seems his ex was always hot & cold, and he's sensitive to that....He hasn't said that exactly, but I just know based on other things he's said. And yes, I am doing an NF read between the lines thing, but I'm usually right .

    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    Hmm... Orange, for some reason I thought you didn't like ESFP's overall. A post somewhere or something. That is a random side note. ( As you may have found out, ESFP's like to say things that are off track.)

    I would just cut him off early in most conversations. Have a time limit for yourself. Whatever is right- it won't be offensive to just explain to him that you aren't a huge phone person and would like to talk to him, but can't stay on the phone all that long. A lot of people don't like talking on the phone for hours- it is not an unreasonable request.
    No, no, not at all . I have a lot of ESFP friends actually & generally get along well with them & enjoy them, but I have an ESFP sister who I clash with sometimes & that provides complaint material. I also have an ESFP drama queen friend that annoys me sometimes (even though I still love her).

    I know it's not an unreasonable thing to ask, but I sort of hate always being the one to end it. I feel like I am sending the message "I don't like you as much as you like me" which isn't the case.

    But yes, I know I will have to say something. I'm just wondering how I can get the point across without it seeming like I'm annoyed by him. He doesn't annoy me, it's just clear we have different expectations & needs for talking. I feel like that is something which can be mitigated though, but I just have to figure out how.


    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    Yeah - my ex-esfp friend, once she got into the habit, called me all the time whenever she was alone - walking home, on a break, etc, etc and would talk about mundane-ish things and I didn't know what to do with her as I hate talking on the phone - esp. when the other person goes on and on and doesn't really listen to you back - and esp. if it goes over thirty minutes.
    It's back & forth & he's not self-absorbed at all, but it's really hard to find a good time to say goodbye when he's quickly moving the conversation along. 3 hours will go by with no good point to interject, and then I almost keep waiting to see if he'll tire out....He doesn't, and then I feel "abrupt".

    I've experienced this with ESxPs before....I handled it by not taking their calls, but I don't want to pull my disappearance act in this case...

    I think the honest way is the way to go if you don't want to give him the wrong idea. But ... wouldn't you have to substitute the phone talking with something else since it's long-distance? That's a tough one. Texting? Emailing? Skype?

    Also, congrats on finding someone you like! As a sidenote: I really like you and always relate to your posts so I am happy for you!
    The phone is okay for me, I would just rather limit it to 30 minutes and maybe longer here & there (not every day). I would prefer email, but I get the feeling he is not an email kind of guy. I still might suggest exchanging emails though.

    And thanks
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  6. #6
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    Text or chat instead.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Actually, any input from extroverts may help...

    So I've been friends with this ESFP for a few months now, and we spent the a weekend together recently when he was in SoCal. He recently told me he was interested in me as more than a friend and blah blah blah & so now we're dating.

    The thing is, now that he has gone back to his state, he calls me nearly everyday and wants to talk for like THREE HOURS at a time. He's one of those people who will talk to you while they do other stuff - like they just want to keep you on the phone all the time, as if you were right there with them.

    That's sweet on the one hand, and of course I enjoy talking to him (and I realize with this being long-distance for the time being, I'll probably have to make better friends with my phone...), and I really appreciate how straight-forward he has been with his interest in me (no stupid games), and I also really like that he takes the initiative to call me (as I'm bad about that)...BUT, I am also an expressed introvert, and I find it very exhausting.

    I want to talk to him, but I almost fear how long the conversation will be. After like 2 hours or so, I interject with a reason to end the call because I find my brain just glazing over - but he always sounds disappointed. I HATE always being the one to end the call. It seems like it may never end if I don't though....like he NEVER starts winding down.

    I'm on the phone right now & I don't know how to get off :eek:

    I relate to his position a lot in this scenario. I can talk for 7 hours, literally, on the phone and I will ALWAYS be disappointed when other person wants to end it.
    I think you should just tell him simply "I'm introvert and i get drained by too much talking even though i enjoy it. you see, i prefer laying in bed and daydreaming, that's me, so... really need to go now"

    and you can expect that he will probably STILL have disappointed reaction, you cant avoid that. But he will probably get over it in few minutes.

  8. #8
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chloee View Post
    you see, i prefer laying in bed and daydreaming
    How did you know?


    ---------

    Well, I didn't have to bring it up because he did. He said that he doesn't want to talk too much at once so we don't get burnt out on each other, and he realized the other night that I ended the phone call "abruptly" (he even used that word) not because I was annoyed, but because we had talked for 4 hours, and he understood that will make almost anyone a bit tired (except for him apparently, cuz he hadn't realized it was 4 hours til he looked at the time on his phone).

    I'm still the one ending the phone calls though.....I guess that's just how it's going to be.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  9. #9
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    Seriously - if he just wants the sense of "being there" with you, chatting or texting works just as well, and would probably be less tiring for you as an introvert...it would maintain a sense of connection so you could cut down on the phone calls.

    I dated an eSFP and we could talk on the phone for hours, even when we lived down the street from each other, but he could totally outalk me, sometimes to the point of giving monologues...

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I really hate texting for a variety of reasons.....and even chatting can make me feel pressured or obligated to devote that time to interacting, although it is better than the phone. I honestly just want some of that time for myself.... no expectations from someone else weighing on me.

    My mom told me this is my problem & I need to get over it, because it's exactly why I've been single my whole life....I think she's probably right .

    I might suggest chatting, as I can at least multi-task more easily (I can't multi-task when I talk - it takes all of my focus). But right now it's not an option as he doesn't have the internet at home . He's getting it at home again soon (He hasn't had it for awhile, partly because he's always out & about doing stuff. He's not the kind to spend hours on the net like me....), so email will be an option also, and I like messaging where a response does not need to be instantaneous....
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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