[ESFP] Trying to get along with ESFP ex wife?

[whynot]

I've been dating this guy for a few years now and he has an ESFP ex wife. I'm trying really hard to just be civil with her, but it seem impossible... she acts really immature about the situation and still "can't handle" seeing us together, even though she's the one who left him for someone else. They don't have any kids, but she's very close with a few people in the family and still has what you would call partial custody of their dogs (yeah, i know...), so she's around quite often.

She shows a lot of the negative ESFP traits that I just can't relate to or understand... Always gossiping. God, I can't stand that. Very self-centered, superficial, talks just to hear herself speak, manipulative, loves drama, lacks substance (everything is about fashion and the way people look), etc. She cries on the spot and still tries to get between my bf and I at times, but he usually just blows her off. We have a solid relationship, so this is more of an annoying issue for me. I feel like her and I have nothing in common and I can see right through her fake exterior. How do I learn to deal with her when she's always concerned with our lives and gossips about me all of the time? I've always been the type of person who just ignores/doesn't associate with people like her, but it looks like I have no choice but to learn to accept her being somewhat in the picture... at least for a while.

...and why can't she be one of the "healthy" ESFPs I read about?! They sound like fun.

 

[King sns]

I've been dating this guy for a few years now and he has an ESFP ex wife. I'm trying really hard to just be civil with her, but it seem impossible... she acts really immature about the situation and still "can't handle" seeing us together, even though she's the one who left him for someone else. They don't have any kids, but she's very close with a few people in the family and still has what you would call partial custody of their dogs (yeah, i know...), so she's around quite often.

She shows a lot of the negative ESFP traits that I just can't relate to or understand... Always gossiping. God, I can't stand that. Very self-centered, superficial, talks just to hear herself speak, manipulative, loves drama, lacks substance (everything is about fashion and the way people look), etc. She cries on the spot and still tries to get between my bf and I at times, but he usually just blows her off. We have a solid relationship, so this is more of an annoying issue for me. I feel like her and I have nothing in common and I can see right through her fake exterior. How do I learn to deal with her when she's always concerned with our lives and gossips about me all of the time? I've always been the type of person who just ignores/doesn't associate with people like her, but it looks like I have no choice but to learn to accept her being somewhat in the picture... at least for a while.

...and why can't she be one of the "healthy" ESFPs I read about?! They sound like fun.

Aww man. What the heck is the family keeping her around for? Because of the dog thing? I wouldn't associate with her at all if possible. Just completely ignore her even when she's around, just pretend she's not there. And maybe she'll go away.

 

[whynot]

Aww man. What the heck is the family keeping her around for? Because of the dog thing? I wouldn't associate with her at all if possible. Just completely ignore her even when she's around, just pretend she's not there. And maybe she'll go away.

my bf's sister-in-law is best friends with her, so she's not going anywhere. the worst part is, everything we do or say gets back to his ex b/c of her. it's like being in high school again, but in my 30s! good stuff. she's at all their kid's b-day parties and whatnot.

i do try to ignore her as best as i can, but that's not my style and it's hard when she never stops talking... i don't hate the woman, i just want to move on. i guess pretending she's not there is the only thing i can do. thanks

 

[Totenkindly]

My son is ESFP and it's the same sort of thing... although he's only almost 14, so he has an excuse.

There's a lot of drama in the life of ESFPs, I think.

Further issues?

Because of their personality, they can't really contain intense emotions, including bad ones: When they feel yucky, everyone around them ends up feeling yucky too, unless they go hide somewhere (which isn't necessarily good for them).

And because they tend to be into (1) the physical sensation of things coupled with the emotions/values and the impact of those things on the physical body and (2) not really great with restraint/self-control, they have a lot of trouble reining in emotional impulse. Other types have some strengths that are helpful, whether it is amazing self-discipline (like your ISxJs) or social/structural constraints (ESxJs) or some sort of abstracted logic to which their emotions and body responses are subservient (IxTPs), etc.

Even if my son understands the logic of a situation or what is expected of him, those things are not the priority -- self-expression of his emotional state and passions is.

Emotional trauma can be hard for an ESFP to find a way through.

 

[whynot]

My son is ESFP and it's the same sort of thing... although he's only almost 14, so he has an excuse.

There's a lot of drama in the life of ESFPs, I think.

Further issues?

Because of their personality, they can't really contain intense emotions, including bad ones: When they feel yucky, everyone around them ends up feeling yucky too, unless they go hide somewhere (which isn't necessarily good for them).

And because they tend to be into (1) the physical sensation of things coupled with the emotions/values and the impact of those things on the physical body and (2) not really great with restraint/self-control, they have a lot of trouble reining in emotional impulse.

Even if my son understands the logic of a situation or what is expected of him, those things are not the priority -- self-expression of his emotional state and passions is.

Emotional trauma can be hard for an ESFP to find a way through.

Thanks for the insight. Sometimes the uncomfortable vibe is so strong I wonder if she's doing it just for the attention or if she really can't help it. Do you think the gossiping is her way of dealing with things, or is it just something that I should get used to? I've known her for quite a while (years before I even knew my bf) and she always came off as dramatic and insincere. But she still had that "fun" side to her that was likable by most people. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I distanced myself from her then, but always assumed it was from some insecurities she had or something. Maybe I'm wrong... I don't know. I just really can't relate to her at all!

 

[Moiety]

Wait so the sister-in-law is best friends with her, so what? Do you all live together or something?

 

[whynot]

Wait so the sister-in-law is best friends with her, so what? Do you all live together or something?

My bf's brother's wife is best friends with her and very close with her whole family... And because she was married to my bf for years, they are all still very close.

Complicated, I know.

 

[King sns]

My bf's brother's wife is best friends with her and very close with her whole family... And because she was married to my bf for years, they are all still very close.

Complicated, I know.

She's your BF's brother's wife's BFF and also your BF's BFF. This is all quite scandalous and intriguing!

(Really, I just like to say BFF.)

 

[whynot]

Ha... no, sorry I should clarify... the ex is close with the SIL and some of his family, but not him. They only communicate when necessary... he's about as non-scandalous as they come.

 

[Halla74]

I've been dating this guy for a few years now and he has an ESFP ex wife. I'm trying really hard to just be civil with her, but it seem impossible... she acts really immature about the situation and still "can't handle" seeing us together, even though she's the one who left him for someone else. They don't have any kids, but she's very close with a few people in the family and still has what you would call partial custody of their dogs (yeah, i know...), so she's around quite often.

She shows a lot of the negative ESFP traits that I just can't relate to or understand... Always gossiping. God, I can't stand that. Very self-centered, superficial, talks just to hear herself speak, manipulative, loves drama, lacks substance (everything is about fashion and the way people look), etc. She cries on the spot and still tries to get between my bf and I at times, but he usually just blows her off. We have a solid relationship, so this is more of an annoying issue for me. I feel like her and I have nothing in common and I can see right through her fake exterior. How do I learn to deal with her when she's always concerned with our lives and gossips about me all of the time? I've always been the type of person who just ignores/doesn't associate with people like her, but it looks like I have no choice but to learn to accept her being somewhat in the picture... at least for a while.

...and why can't she be one of the "healthy" ESFPs I read about?! They sound like fun.

Next time she's at your house and you have a moment alone with her push her against the wall and put your teeth on one of her jugular veins and tell her if she ever misbehaves again that you will bite her throat out of her neck and spit it in the toilet.

 

[miss fortune]

we're talking people, Halla, not wolves!!!

 

[Halla74]

we're talking people, Halla, not wolves!!!

Ooops.

Sorry 'bout that.

 

[whynot]

Next time she's at your house and you have a moment alone with her push her against the wall and put your teeth on one of her jugular veins and tell her if she ever misbehaves again that you will bite her throat out of her neck and spit it in the toilet.

i tried that already, but she got away when i went for the throat!

 

[FeatheredFrenzy]

ESFPs are wonderful, but there are some that can turn into major bullies if they're pissed at you, justified or not. And if they see that you're actually a mature person who won't retaliate, they will go ahead and take full advantage, bullying you every step of the way, and have fun doing so. It can get bad especially in a situation that you can't walk away from. Being friendly isn't going to work. Treating them well isn't going to work. They're sitting pretty in a position of power, sticking a hot poker in your side, and they're not going to give that up.

I know from experience that if you get in her face just once, like Halla said, by showing some real anger, she'll never forget it. Her imagination will kick in, leading her to think that you're "capable of anything" now that you're so angry at her and that's going to work in your favor. Not only is she going to stop, she might just start to consider your feelings and see you as likable/respectable. Sad, I know, but that's how it is with some people.

 

[Thalassa]

ESFPs are wonderful, but there are some that can turn into major bullies if they're pissed at you, justified or not. And if they see that you're actually a mature person who won't retaliate, they will go ahead and take full advantage, bullying you every step of the way, and have fun doing so. It can get bad especially in a situation that you can't walk away from. Being friendly isn't going to work. Treating them well isn't going to work. They're sitting pretty in a position of power, sticking a hot poker in your side, and they're not going to give that up.

I know from experience that if you get in her face just once, like Halla said, by showing some real anger, she'll never forget it. Her imagination will kick in, leading her to think that you're "capable of anything" now that you're so angry at her and that's going to work in your favor. Not only is she going to stop, she might just start to consider your feelings and see you as likable/respectable. Sad, I know, but that's how it is with some people.

I've been dating this guy for a few years now and he has an ESFP ex wife. I'm trying really hard to just be civil with her, but it seem impossible... she acts really immature about the situation and still "can't handle" seeing us together, even though she's the one who left him for someone else. They don't have any kids, but she's very close with a few people in the family and still has what you would call partial custody of their dogs (yeah, i know...), so she's around quite often.

She shows a lot of the negative ESFP traits that I just can't relate to or understand... Always gossiping. God, I can't stand that. Very self-centered, superficial, talks just to hear herself speak, manipulative, loves drama, lacks substance (everything is about fashion and the way people look), etc. She cries on the spot and still tries to get between my bf and I at times, but he usually just blows her off. We have a solid relationship, so this is more of an annoying issue for me. I feel like her and I have nothing in common and I can see right through her fake exterior. How do I learn to deal with her when she's always concerned with our lives and gossips about me all of the time? I've always been the type of person who just ignores/doesn't associate with people like her, but it looks like I have no choice but to learn to accept her being somewhat in the picture... at least for a while.

...and why can't she be one of the "healthy" ESFPs I read about?! They sound like fun.

There is no way to deal with a person such as this without telling them to fuck off. Avoid her at all costs.

I think Feathered Frenzy definitely has the right idea - this, the fighting back and being able to take them on their own aggressive terms - is the only language my eSFP ex understands, the only thing he respects... but keep in mind that still might not work. Depends. If she doesn't like you, it's just going to cause more drama and more war. How do I know this? My mommy is also an ESFP, albeit a marginally nicer one.

Why is she even around you guys if they don't have kids together? WTF?

 

[whynot]

it's not my style to get in someone's face... i'd have to be really pissed off and she doesn't bother me that much. i'm not afraid of confrontation, i just do it as a last resort b/c of the drama it stirs up. and to me that would show that she was able to get under my skin which = weakness. i'm not to that point anyway... she's just annoying. i'm just going to keep ignoring her and hope she eventually fades away. i guess what frustrates me most is that i don't get why she acts this way. it's so much easier to be an adult about the whole situation and move on with your life, without any bullshit.

 

[whynot]

thanks for the insight, by the way.

 

[sLiPpY]

If it were me; I would ditch the boyfriend.

Problem resolved!

 

[whynot]

haha... luckily, everything else about him has outweighed the baggage so far.

....that, or i'm just a sucker.

 

[Totenkindly]

Thanks for the insight. Sometimes the uncomfortable vibe is so strong I wonder if she's doing it just for the attention or if she really can't help it. Do you think the gossiping is her way of dealing with things, or is it just something that I should get used to?

Well, the deal is there is an insane lack of "impulse control." They're Se dominant, driven by internal values and feelings; ESTPs can be self-indulgent as well (the other Se-dominant type), but the impersonal T helps them better self-evalute, I think, and conform themselves into some sort of external rational structure even if it's pragmatic in nature.

I had one very close ESFP friend who I'm no longer friends with, by her own choice. She was in a structured society that kept her channeled within particular behavior for much of her life, then basically made a series of bad decisions on emotional impulse without caring about the long-term picture of her choices, and she dumped all of her friends one by one as we told her that we were concerned. ESFP can be remarkable short-term unless they have a very specific goal of some sort to guide them.

EPs also seem to have a remarkably hard time not talking, especially if they've got something burning to say. (IPs have a much easier time of it.)

I'm just saying that in this situation with the gossip -- I don't want to make excuses for a type, but I think it's a pervasive typical pattern for ESFP to have issues with keeping mum, especially if they are emotionally motivated.

I've known her for quite a while (years before I even knew my bf) and she always came off as dramatic and insincere. But she still had that "fun" side to her that was likable by most people.

That was like my friend too. She wasn't great at thinking through things then either, but she was a very fun, exuberant, happy person who made others happy. Once she drifted off course, everything got very ugly. It's been years now, I rarely see her, and I don't like her when I see her because she's become a negative and critical person.... who gossips incessantly.