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  1. #41
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    It can be and I know I always think if I can just figure out the right perspective/approach I can somehow make it work, but sometimes it just doesn't work because it's not a misunderstanding or anything I can really work with -- it's malice. You can't work around or with malice.

    The fact that the family and apparently your boyfriend is willing to subject you to this woman's antics does not speak well of his commitment to your relationship to me.

    Edit: The only way to deal with it solo, since this woman is a bully, is not to evade, but to confront. Like Hala says, she's acting like she is the dominant dog in the pack here and you've got to show her who the Alpha Bitch is or she will just keep it up.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    It can be and I know I always think if I can just figure out the right perspective/approach I can somehow make it work, but sometimes it just doesn't work because it's not a misunderstanding or anything I can really work with -- it's malice. You can't work around or with malice.

    The fact that the family and apparently your boyfriend is willing to subject you to this woman's antics does not speak well of his commitment to your relationship to me.

    Edit: The only way to deal with it solo, since this woman is a bully, is not to evade, but to confront. Like Hala says, she's acting like she is the dominant dog in the pack here and you've got to show her who the Alpha Bitch is or she will just keep it up.
    Even if there's confrontation; the Alpha Bitch scenario will probably play out and re-cycle over and over again. People like that simply don't get it and cannot change who they are. Why even bother expending the energy for a temporary and empty victory.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by whynot View Post
    Your judgments are overly simplistic. I think learning to handle rather than avoid situations that cause stress, learning to cope with issues such as these, and being civil with an ex are all signs of emotional maturity.
    For my own purposes, and life experience. Failing to set appropriate boundaries, is not indicative of emotional maturity.

    http://www.respect2all.org/_document...ng-Insert1.pdf

    Here's a very good link written for teens, to teach them how to make good choices in setting healthy boundaries. Choosing friends/people to associate with. I think it's very good advice for an adult too.

  4. #44
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    i think maybe i gave the wrong impression. my boyfriend does a very good job of not subjecting me to her bullshit. there really is no bullshit with him. his SIL is the main culprit and there's nothing i can do about her. and i totally agree that if i were to confront her, the cycle would continue anyway. if it is malice, then my best choice is to ignore her. she's really not that important.

  5. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by whynot View Post
    i think maybe i gave the wrong impression. my boyfriend does a very good job of not subjecting me to her bullshit. there really is no bullshit with him. his SIL is the main culprit and there's nothing i can do about her. and i totally agree that if i were to confront her, the cycle would continue anyway. if it is malice, then my best choice is to ignore her. she's really not that important.
    There we go!

    That's a lot clearer.

    Yeah, people like that definately aren't worthy of time, energy expenditure or attention. Suggest however, setting and keeping appropriate boundaries with regard to the sister.

  6. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    For my own purposes, and life experience. Failing to set appropriate boundaries, is not indicative of emotional maturity.

    http://www.respect2all.org/_document...ng-Insert1.pdf

    Here's a very good link written for teens, to teach them how to make good choices in setting healthy boundaries. Choosing friends/people to associate with. I think it's very good advice for an adult too.
    Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.
    The OP is written in such a way, it sounds like a "Jerry Springer" episode. The woman cheated on the guy and left him. Then she can't handle seeing the girlfriend with him. They still share custody of the dogs? The sister and other family members still hang out with the woman even so. It's been going on for years, even though there are no children to consider. The ex-wife is encountered often...I mean really wtf?

    These aren't minor disagreements. The fact that the situation exist and the question is even being asked, is a sign of a lack of respect within the family for the girlfriend. Possibly, even for the boyfriend. There hasn't been a successful communication to date in order to set healthy enough boundaries the girlfriend isn't "bothered." Hello!

    I can't even begin to sugar coat that as an ISTP. This is posted in an SP forum. It is my nature to be direct and blunt. If you don't like the advice that's given. I don't expect you to take it.

    But I'm sure as hell not going to sit here and try to advise someone on "how to work better with" a life situation that sounds ridiculous.

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Mocking people for making what you perceive to be poor choices, and recommending that people end their relationship over some minor disagreements isn't a sign of an especially high EQ either.
    Hey Marm, it's all good. IMHO, I don't feel any mockery was intended here. I believe sLiPpY's suggestions are practical, wise, and keeping it real. They make the most sense to me. Though I also understand and appreciate all sides of this. If it were me, I would walk away from the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be complicated.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    Hey Marm, it's all good. IMHO, I don't feel any mockery was intended here. I believe sLiPpY's suggestions are practical, wise, and keeping it real. They make the most sense to me. Though I also understand and appreciate all sides of this. If it were me, I would walk away from the relationship. Relationships shouldn't be complicated.
    Relationships are complicated, and they take work.

    I think outside of things like abuse and truly irreconcilable differences, the mature thing to do is to work through things.

  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Relationships are complicated, and they take work.

    I think outside of things like abuse and truly irreconcilable differences, the mature thing to do is to work through things.
    i'd have to agree with you on this.

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