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  1. #21
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Well, the deal is there is an insane lack of "impulse control." They're Se dominant, driven by internal values and feelings; ESTPs can be self-indulgent as well (the other Se-dominant type), but the impersonal T helps them better self-evalute, I think, and conform themselves into some sort of external rational structure even if it's pragmatic in nature.

    I had one very close ESFP friend who I'm no longer friends with, by her own choice. She was in a structured society that kept her channeled within particular behavior for much of her life, then basically made a series of bad decisions on emotional impulse without caring about the long-term picture of her choices, and she dumped all of her friends one by one as we told her that we were concerned. ESFP can be remarkable short-term unless they have a very specific goal of some sort to guide them.

    EPs also seem to have a remarkably hard time not talking, especially if they've got something burning to say. (IPs have a much easier time of it.)

    I'm just saying that in this situation with the gossip -- I don't want to make excuses for a type, but I think it's a pervasive typical pattern for ESFP to have issues with keeping mum, especially if they are emotionally motivated.



    That was like my friend too. She wasn't great at thinking through things then either, but she was a very fun, exuberant, happy person who made others happy. Once she drifted off course, everything got very ugly. It's been years now, I rarely see her, and I don't like her when I see her because she's become a negative and critical person.... who gossips incessantly.
    I'm curious to know: what triggered your ESFP friend to "drift off"? And how does she manifest her negativity, criticism and gossiping? Is it extremely obvious, or subtle and back-handed?

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    I'm curious to know: what triggered your ESFP friend to "drift off"? And how does she manifest her negativity, criticism and gossiping? Is it extremely obvious, or subtle and back-handed?
    Great question... I'm curious about that as well.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by whynot View Post
    it's not my style to get in someone's face... i'd have to be really pissed off and she doesn't bother me that much. i'm not afraid of confrontation, i just do it as a last resort b/c of the drama it stirs up. and to me that would show that she was able to get under my skin which = weakness. i'm not to that point anyway... she's just annoying. i'm just going to keep ignoring her and hope she eventually fades away. i guess what frustrates me most is that i don't get why she acts this way. it's so much easier to be an adult about the whole situation and move on with your life, without any bullshit.
    While you may see that (getting in someone's face) as weakness, just know that other types see non-confrontational behavior as weaker. That's what we're trying to explain.

    If she's annoying and frustrating, avoid her. That's what I do with my mother, and that's what my ENFJ sister does. WALK AWAY. DONT ANSWER THE PHONE. Etc. I love my mom, but I can't live in the same house with her, and if I spend too much time with her I'll choke her...but she's an especially histrionic ESFP with some issues from childhood, I'm not trying to say that she's the healthiest example.

    My ex on the other hand is less histrionic, and more educated than my mother, so he comes across as a more "highly developed" eSFP...until you see his problems with aggression, and he thinks that people who don't fight back are weak people who deserve what they get.

    That's why I used the two of them as examples...neither are the ideal, "healthy" ESFP, for two different reasons...sounds like your bfs ex-wife is more like my mom.

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    Oh, and I also think Jennifer's right...some of this stuff is just type differences. I think all EPs talk a lot, and ExFPs are going to be more emotional and impulsive (I am!) ...even "healthy" ESFPs do have a tendency to gossip and be more concerned with the performance than the background...you're not going to be able to change her, but I'm sure you already know that.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    While you may see that (getting in someone's face) as weakness, just know that other types see non-confrontational behavior as weaker. That's what we're trying to explain.

    If she's annoying and frustrating, avoid her. That's what I do with my mother, and that's what my ENFJ sister does. WALK AWAY. DONT ANSWER THE PHONE. Etc. I love my mom, but I can't live in the same house with her, and if I spend too much time with her I'll choke her...but she's an especially histrionic ESFP with some issues from childhood, I'm not trying to say that she's the healthiest example.

    My ex on the other hand is less histrionic, and more educated than my mother, so he comes across as a more "highly developed" eSFP...until you see his problems with aggression, and he thinks that people who don't fight back are weak people who deserve what they get.

    That's why I used the two of them as examples...neither are the ideal, "healthy" ESFP, for two different reasons...sounds like your bfs ex-wife is more like my mom.
    thanks for the examples. i understand what you mean by confrontation being a weakness in my eyes but not an ESFPs. from her actions, i have a feeling she doesn't like me and will never want to be civil with me, so hopefully i can just ignore her and she'll get bored... we'll see.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Oh, and I also think Jennifer's right...some of this stuff is just type differences. I think all EPs talk a lot, and ExFPs are going to be more emotional and impulsive (I am!) ...even "healthy" ESFPs do have a tendency to gossip and be more concerned with the performance than the background...you're not going to be able to change her, but I'm sure you already know that.
    oh yeah, there's no changing her. lol

  7. #27
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I'm a little surprised she hasn't found a new man and practically forgotten about her ex.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I'm a little surprised she hasn't found a new man and practically forgotten about her ex.
    she left my bf for a man years ago. she's still with him, but i don't think she's very happy. i think what she's having a hard time with is the fact that my boyfriend is happy without her, and she still hasn't found that.

  9. #29
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    Sounds like my ESFP mother. She thinks happiness comes from outside.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by whynot View Post
    I've been dating this guy for a few years now and he has an ESFP ex wife. I'm trying really hard to just be civil with her, but it seem impossible... she acts really immature about the situation and still "can't handle" seeing us together, even though she's the one who left him for someone else. They don't have any kids, but she's very close with a few people in the family and still has what you would call partial custody of their dogs (yeah, i know...), so she's around quite often.

    She shows a lot of the negative ESFP traits that I just can't relate to or understand... Always gossiping. God, I can't stand that. Very self-centered, superficial, talks just to hear herself speak, manipulative, loves drama, lacks substance (everything is about fashion and the way people look), etc. She cries on the spot and still tries to get between my bf and I at times, but he usually just blows her off. We have a solid relationship, so this is more of an annoying issue for me. I feel like her and I have nothing in common and I can see right through her fake exterior. How do I learn to deal with her when she's always concerned with our lives and gossips about me all of the time? I've always been the type of person who just ignores/doesn't associate with people like her, but it looks like I have no choice but to learn to accept her being somewhat in the picture... at least for a while.

    ...and why can't she be one of the "healthy" ESFPs I read about?! They sound like fun.
    oh, for the love of gawd! Don't be self-inflicting stupid. Ditch the idiotic boyfriend and his idiotic family and run like hell!

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