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  1. #1
    Junior Member lilypad's Avatar
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    Default Can you win an istp back?

    I have been dating an istp for 5 years and we lived together.

    Seemed to be going well, he was comfortable enough with the level of commitment we had, I could be a little insecure at times as he had difficulty with talking if we ever had a little problem or disagreement (this meant they tended to drag on sometimes). He did have issues with cannabis use (are istps stressed? he said it relaxed him as he works on the phone all day and has to 'switch off'?).

    We had a huge row, he got very angry because I interrupted something he was trying to say (so annoyed at myself - he was opening up!) and shut down. He seemed very tetchy due to not having any cannabis. I started to cry, I shouted, he lost it. We broke up.

    He has tried to not contact me but always emails me and keeps in touch. Says he doesn't 'want to break up, feels we have to'.

    Is there a way I can reach out to him in istp language and try to get him to sort this mess out? He says he still loves me and misses me, but feels I should be with somebody different and I'll realise soon I deserve someone 'better'?

    Are istps usually so self deprecating? I am very confused. I believe every personality type can get along so long as both people put effort in? I am his first and only girlfriend btw and I am 29 he is 27. I wonder if our problem is cannabis or communication, or both?! I would like to sort things out if he is not smoking anymore.

    Thanks
    “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
    Stacey Charter

  2. #2
    Senior Member Willfrey's Avatar
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    It seems strange that he'd break up with you over a small indiscretion like interrupting him. I suppose it could have been one of those straws that broke the camel's back.

    Insecurity, self-deprecation, depression, self-medication.... Why is your ISTP so bummed? I'd imagine it'd be hard for anybody to sustain a relationship if they think they are worthless.
    ...Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and two guns blazed in the dark;
    And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two men lay stiff and stark...

  3. #3
    Junior Member lilypad's Avatar
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    I know he had an abusive mother who hit him a lot. I wouldn't want to go into detail though, I would feel I was betraying him.

    I know he is not happy in his work life, he feels downtrodden, useless, I guess the cannabis probably doesn't help as it can cause problems long term.

    He talked about suicide when he was very upset, he also had a very bad temper.
    Perhaps it is the physical abuse that could be more to blame?

    How does an istp deal with stress?
    Are they under the carpet sweeper people?
    “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
    Stacey Charter

  4. #4
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilypad View Post
    How does an istp deal with stress?
    Are they under the carpet sweeper people?
    Can't say this is something that MBTI can answer...
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Willfrey's Avatar
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    I deal with stress by taking my mind off it I guess, avoidance? I re-arrange the living room or just clean, and clean, and clean... But that is just me.

    Abuse, especially at a young age, can cause very deep seated issues. Everyone reacts to it differently, some cope well, others not so much and it seldom gets better on its own. Weed is just a temporary solution, and it will exacerbate things between uses. I'd say his weed money is better spent on therapy where he can work on his insecurities rather than just forget them.
    ...Then I ducked my head and the lights went out, and two guns blazed in the dark;
    And a woman screamed, and the lights went up, and two men lay stiff and stark...

  6. #6
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    To elaborate: MBTI tends to address some aspects of personality, and stress relief is part of it.

    However, on top of all this is drug problems, abuse, and deep depression, which muddies the waters a lot. I don't really know if MBTI is the best tool you could use here - there's a lot of information on those specific topics which might be more useful to you.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  7. #7
    Junior Member lilypad's Avatar
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    I feel he always takes the avoidance route.
    He avoids emotionally charged conversations.
    He has often said cannabis helps him avoid dealing with life.

    I have suggested therapy and I know he has sought some, fingers crossed,if only for his eventual happiness.

    I know there are many routes I can take to look at this problem, I guess I find him to true to type in his actions sometimes - it's hard to look at his problems with a reference to personality typing. I like order, understanding.If only people were straight forward haha x
    “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out It's all about timing.”
    Stacey Charter

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