[MBTI General] ESPs - Talking behind backs?

[goodgrief]

First off, not trying to anger anyone here. I've learned to be very cautious with what I say in this section. Anyway, in my venturer group, most of the members seem to be ESFP with a bit of ESTP. It's not a large group. Anyway, I've noticed that they often tend to talk about people they know negatively and sometimes meanly, ut only when they're not around. They never say anything negative to a persons face. As an INTJ I sometimes feel a little out of sync with the rest. One member there I actually find quite annoying because he's basically prejudiced in every way possible (I think he's an ISXJ but not sure) and nobody really says anything about it, but I often confront him for this and when I do, the others try to change the subject and laugh about it like it hasn't happened. Is this normal behaviour for ESPs, to talk behind others backs but always try to keep the others happy when in conversation with them? It frustrates me sometimes because the guy can be so racist, sexist etc and also it seems a bit dishonest.

 

[ColonelGadaafi]

Do like i did and any honest person would do. Cut off any links to that group and find yourself peers more within the caliber of your comfort zone's. While admittedly socializing with these sort of groups does have it's perk's. ESxP's are entertaining, light-hearted and generally fun company when your within their green light district so to speak.

But once you make the mistake of upsetting them or challenging the group on their commonly held beliefs/assumptions, stupidity and dumb reasoning in an argument they will turn on you like one of the mentally lobotomized lynch mob's out of a cartoon. They begin reactively by berating you and turning you into "dumb-ass" or an "outcast", to compensate for the trouble you have caused their locust hive. They will use the cheapest and lowest possible methods of ejecting you from my experience. They first build up aggresivity towards you which is designed to shut you up and put you in the humiliating position of being outside of the "group".

So if you do mind them, my best advice is to leave them permanently cutting off any communication with them. For someone who is not used to their interaction style, they are an unneccesary event waiting to explode. So save yourself the trouble of eventual provocation.

 

[Thalassa]

My ESFP mother talks behind everyone's back, including her own daughters.

 

[goodgrief]

Do like i do and any honest person would do. Cut off any links to that group and find yourself peers more within your comfort zone's. ESxP's are entertaining, light-hearted and generally fun company when your within their green light district so to speak.

But once you make the mistake of upsetting them or challenging the group on their commonly held beliefs/assumptions, stupidity and dumb reasoning, they will turn on you like one of the dumb stupid lynch mob's out of a cartoon, just to try to humiliate you and turn you into "dumb-ass" or an "outcast". They will use the cheapest and most dishonorable methods of ejecting you.

Oh that seems a bit harsh. They're generally pretty nice people.

 

[Laurie]

One member there I actually find quite annoying because he's basically prejudiced in every way possible (I think he's an ISXJ but not sure) and nobody really says anything about it, but I often confront him for this and when I do, the others try to change the subject and laugh about it like it hasn't happened. Is this normal behaviour for ESPs, to talk behind others backs but always try to keep the others happy when in conversation with them? It frustrates me sometimes because the guy can be so racist, sexist etc and also it seems a bit dishonest.

My guess is that you aren't going about dealing with it in the most tactful way so that makes it an uncomfortable rather than helpful situation. (which would explain the trying to laugh it off thing) They probably just accept him the "way he is." He might also be playing a part if he is really sooo racist and sexist.

About "talking behind people's backs" there are a few things you can do. Maybe randomly mention something about "isn't it funny how people who talk behind someone's back does it to all their friends" - sometimes something like that will work.

 

[Halla74]

I detest people who talk shit.

Talking badly behind someone's back is an act of cowardice.

I have no tolerance for it, it is a quick ticket to being rudely dismissed from my universe of existence, and maybe smacked in the noggin.

This is not an SP behavior, sorry.

 

[miss fortune]

If I want to talk badly about people I'll tell them to their face as well!

If I'm pissed and they aren't there I may vent to someone else, but once they show up they'll hear the same thing themselves

 

[Rachelinpa]

hm, interesting. i know a lot of ESFPs that do. i have trouble confiding in them for that reason. although, most of my ESFPs i know through theater, so that pool of ESPs may be different.

i don't know many ESTPs, but the ones i do are NOT prone to gossip. they don't really care.

 

[Ming]

hm, interesting. i know a lot of ESFPs that do. i have trouble confiding in them for that reason. although, most of my ESFPs i know through theater, so that pool of ESPs may be different.

i don't know many ESTPs, but the ones i do are NOT prone to gossip. they don't really care.

Most people in theatre are backstabbers. That's how actors and actresses roll.

I really don't think (personal opinion) that SP's are 'backstabbers'. There's no need for us to? I mean we are quite accepting in many things; and we only 'vent' at other people, and tell the other person in the face later. So It's not really 'backstabbing', just short term enjoyment.

 

[ColonelGadaafi]

Most people in theatre are backstabbers. That's how actors and actresses roll.

I really don't think (personal opinion) that SP's are 'backstabbers'. There's no need for us to? I mean we are quite accepting in many things; and we only 'vent' at other people, and tell the other person in the face later. So It's not really 'backstabbing', just short term enjoyment.

You can only speak for your own experience. People react different in enviroment's and morality takes its form in different shapes. And when Esfp's are put in a immoral social circles they will engage in it if there is any short term gain or "short term" enjoyment as you said. ESFP's will lie, gossip, and continue on a road for maximum drama and socialite conflict delight, simply because they percieve it as a part of the "game" of life or social interaction. It's natural for them to emulate other's behavior's, for good or bad.

 

[Thalassa]

You can only speak for your own experience. People react different in enviroment's and morality takes its form in different shapes. And when Esfp's are put in a immoral social circles they will engage in it if there is any short term gain or "short term" enjoyment as you said. ESFP's will lie, gossip, and continue on a road for maximum drama and socialite conflict delight, simply because they percieve it as a part of the "game" of life or social interaction. It's natural for them to emulate other's behavior's, for good or bad.

I think you do have a point, sheerly based upon my mom. My mom is a nice person, she cares about people, and while she was an irresponsible mess when she was younger she's become the more cooking/cleaning/caretaking mother figure as she's gotten older...she also loves dogs...I mean, my mom is soft-hearted. My mom is not a "bad" person by any stretch of the imagination.

But she loves to gossip and she loves drama and nothing delights her more than having a social opportunity to laugh at others. It's annoying as fuck, and I have a hard time living with her because of it, but my sisters and I are all used to it, and we kind of treat her like she's special ed because of it. Otherwise, we'd just get pissed off.

 

[totallypsycho]

i dont gossip just for the sake of gossiping, like "omg did u hear how she made out with another girl" "omg u think shes gay?" etc

usually when i engage in this sort of talk is when someone makes a direct attack on my character or something like that and i find it tough to respond in kind

talking isnt some sort of unholy blasphemy, most of us just treat it as a way of venting/coping and a ways of correcting whatever injustice the person getting talked about did to us

i find that ppl who get talked about usually deserve it anyway. watever they did is pretty much always worse than whatever we do. if i find that person worthy of my respect otherwise then i will confront them otherwise they just become irrelevant to my life

 

[Rainne]

yea it happens, i try to ignore them

talking behind someone's back is just bad, i mean, they can't even defend themselves

 

[SillySapienne]

pshaw, no.

Pussies talk shit behind people's backs.

If anything, I would think that EPs, in general, have the balls to say something behind someone's back that they would say straight up, right in front of their face.

 

[KDude]

^Pretty much

 

[HomerSoprano]

talking behind someone's back is just bad, i mean, they can't even defend themselves

I find a lot of people talk shit behind other peoples back. Not just ESxP´s. And I´m sure it´s not type related. If there would be a difference I´m sure ExFx are the worst since they care about other peoples business and put a lot of feeling to it. I´ve also found a lot of IxtTx who talk smack as well. I think bad self esteem and a lack self fulfillment is the biggest trigger for shit talking.

 

[Glycerine]

^ aka boredom. Also, people that are extreme perfectionists.

 

[Sinmara]

I don't talk any kind of shit about people behind their backs that I haven't said to their faces first. I hate duplicity. I try not to practice it.

The only situation I might smack-talk someone without letting them know the full extent of my feelings is when it's concerning a co-worker because in that case, I can't tell them what incompetent morons they are. I gotta see these people every day and if I told the ones I don't like what I really thought of them they'd more than likely run crying to our boss and I'm the one who would get into trouble. I need to decompress somehow, though, so that does lead to some occasional ranting to a sympathetic ear. Sometimes it's to another co-worker, but typically it's just my boyfriend.

But I don't think that's what you're talking about. You seem to be talking about people who trash-talk a person one moment and are all smiles and friendly to them the next. I'm not so sure this is an ESxP trait -- I've known an awful lot of ExFJs and who play passive-aggressive games like that too.

Throughout a large percentage of them, though, I've noticed that the bitching and trash-talking of other people is sort of like a bonding experience. By saying such horrible things about another person, it's like they're giving you the sword to bring down on them by speaking up but they're trusting you to not do it. Also, it means you have some nasty little secret or in-joke you can snicker over at the expense of the other person, often right in front of them and they'd never know.

It's a nasty, petty sort of bonding, but I've seen it in action. It's worth noting that it's almost always been between women. I've only known one guy to do it.

 

[Poki]

Any talkin behind peoples back that I do is for the purpose of getting help, getting an understanding, or using it as an example. Sometimes it may hit a sensitive topic, its not the purpose of talking behind someones back. I hold the impression that they way people talk to you they will talk to others, but you also have to judge their level of openness with you as well. Dont confuse venting with talking about someone behind their back, its aim is to release things as opposed to talk about someone maliciously.

 

[Sinmara]

Dont confuse venting with talking about someone behind their back, its aim is to release things as opposed to talk about someone maliciously.

Yes, exactly. I need to vent. I can be pissed off at someone and not think very badly of them. I might want to strangle them when I'm in the moment but as long as I'm allowed to blow off some steam about it I'll get over it and it won't be an issue anymore.

It's when I'm not allowed to vent that things can get ugly. I'm not the sort of person you want bottling things up. Bad things happen when I repress.