[ISTP] ISTP Relationship User Guide

[sammy]

I feel like it's too late because first, I initiated the break up, so do I have to make the first move? Second, he said a lot of painful things like he didn't know if he even liked me and dating me was to see if I would grow on him. Also, I'm like his ex and he doesn't feel any different (though his actions seem to prove otherwise), so I will probably go through the same thing as she did. He gave me two reasons because I specifically asked where I came short: (a) He didn't feel like I trusted him (which I clarified to him asap) (b) the relationship didn't seem like it was going anywhere. I questioned this because I know he likes to live in the moment but this annoyed him and he replied, "well god woman I know I'm stupid but I'm not retarded. I stop to see what the fuck I'm doing once in a while." I guess people can say painful things in the heat of an argument. I don't know where to start fixing things, and part of me wants the dust to settle first.

Are you sure you are a good fit for each other, overall?

 

[Randomnity]

I'm kindof confused why you want to fix things? It sounds like he wasn't making you very happy, and I also can't imagine an istp being happy about the behaviour that you've described.

btw, "clarifying asap" that you trust someone after acting in a way that shows you don't trust them will not change their minds. Again, actions>words, and not just with istps.

 

[mcmartinez84]

Fear isnt the way to get me to do anything. I will respond, but I will always get past my fears. I dont like being controlled by my fears.

+1. I hate it. Don't do it if you expect to be around me much longer.

I prefer it very much if people tell me what I'm doing wrong or if something I'm doing is bothering them. I seriously may never know otherwise. The more calmly I'm confronted about it, the more favorably I respond. Although I respond as well as I can no matter what, I just might be a little more stressed out if I'm attacked with a flurry of emotions.

But yeah, I don't tolerate threats well. At all. It flicks on my stubborn switch. And I'm not proud to say I've damaged relationships further by just up and walking away without looking back when I'm threatened past a certain point.

+1

I'm kindof confused why you want to fix things? It sounds like he wasn't making you very happy, and I also can't imagine an istp being happy about the behaviour that you've described.

btw, "clarifying asap" that you trust someone after acting in a way that shows you don't trust them will not change their minds. Again, actions>words, and not just with istps.

+1

Everyone already said everything for me. That's why I'm lazy

 

[Rebe]

Second, he said a lot of painful things like he didn't know if he even liked me and dating me was to see if I would grow on him.

Uhm, but he was the one who asked for a second chance? Does the action > words still apply here?

 

[mcmartinez84]

He's still acting like a jerk and he's still being immature and selfish. actions > words.

He may *want* a second chance, but he really wants to indulge in himself more. If he cared enough, he'd make a much better effort.

 

[sammy]

If anyone were cornering me with threats and the like, I'd probably react with some snipey remarks and probably hurtful comments to get rid of the person (to regain my peace of mind). Especially, if I perceived that my actions to make effort were being taken for granted.

Is that possibly happening here?

 

[Rebe]

He's still acting like a jerk and he's still being immature and selfish. actions > words.

He may *want* a second chance, but he really wants to indulge in himself more. If he cared enough, he'd make a much better effort.
__________________

I think that's what lalangela wants to hear. (I think)

 

[lalangela]

He strongly asserted that he doesn't change for anyone. Okay, so my actions showed otherwise but overall, I was happy.

What's amusing is that he admits to being a stupid, immature jerk but then refuses to do anything about it because as I said before, he doesn't change for anyone.

 

[lalangela]

Also, I guess I can go into some more detail. When I clarified it, I pointed out that I trusted him with my virginity so that should prove something. His actions did show that he was making some changes, but I blew up at him in the heat of the moment. I didn't know what to do with so much information at once. I just lost it. Seems like I can't redeem myself either.

 

[StephMC]

I'm not sure if I can speak for all ISTPs when I say this except for me and a few individuals I know IRL... but when some ISTPs constantly admit to something negative about themselves without any action (i.e., "I'm really lazy", "I'm just being stupid"), it's an excuse. They don't really plan on doing anything about it. They say those things in hopes you'll throw up your hands, get off their backs, and leave them be.

An ISTP that wants to change just -does.-

 

[kendoiwan]

Alright, say this is all true, do I single-handedly destroy everything between my ISTP and me?

If he is "hearing" you the way I am, then the only thing he could do right by you is be someone else entirely.

 

[lalangela]

I'm going to have to fight you on this. The answer is no. That would contradict him saying that I overlooked his shortcomings and gave him the idea that he could do whatever the fuck he wants.

 

[toast]

He's still acting like a jerk and he's still being immature and selfish. actions > words.

He may *want* a second chance, but he really wants to indulge in himself more. If he cared enough, he'd make a much better effort.

I think the above is so clear.

I also think most of the 'confused' responses come from not having any idea what this gf actually "said" he did. She may have been just playing games because she is still emotionally invested, but if the gf was accusing him of treating her like crap during the relationship in actual ways that were abusive or deceitful (that match up with his current behaviors) than it makes a difference. However, for an ENFJ, it is difficult not to see both reasons (for the girl contacting her at all) as a red flag. If the ex relationship ended badly & was largely unhealthy, and she has posted before that this was the case, then this was evidence that things were going to get bad. Though not enough to make a judgment about him, it was a reasonable case for her to worry (especially after they had already had trouble).

Either way, confronting him was never a mistake if her desire was an open and honest relationship. Not clarifying that she wasn't accusing him of anything to come, but simply needed to express her fears and get some comfort from her boyfriend might have been.

Bottom line though is, if the relationship with his ex was so terrible (as lalangela has said he described it as when they first got together), the emails were not an 'innocent' attempt to reconnect like he tried saying they were. So I agree with mcmartinez84.

 

[NYCole626]

I'm starting this one up, with false hopes it will answer at least some of the questions all the ISTP threads are asking (even though I'm female ).

So here are a few tips off the top of my head that I think (read: "hope") most ISTPs might agree with:

- We really don't mean to say hurtful things. When we're using Ti, we may say something we think is simply objective, but comes out the wrong way. Sometimes we forget to translate our thoughts to something a little more diplomatic.

- We're most likely to stick around if you don't try to control us. Just say "no" to putting leashes on ISTPs.

- Spending time with you or doing things for you is a tell-tale sign you're important to us. Seriously.

- Wanna do something special or to cheer us up? My advice is food or something new and exciting. A cheap trip somewhere (even nearby) would be pretty sweet. From what I can tell, almost all of us enjoys traveling.

- Be straightforward with us. If something is bothering you, just tell us. Just don't nag. And let it slide the first or second time if it's not a big deal. This way, if it happens again, you'll be able to give us examples of what we're doing so we can fix it. Calm tone of voice helps too.

- Cut loose with us! If we seem a little bored or are working too much, we need to cut loose every once in a while. If you're the person that reminds us of this, we'll love you for it.


I'll think of more later, but I really just wanted to get people started

Steph - I love u!!!!

 

[NYCole626]

^Think that that is more of a running joke

It's also very much an incredible feeling to have someone who's that independent and shows that little emotion share a deep emotional bond with you that others rarely even get a glimpse of.

EXACTLY!

After reading this thread....I love my ISTP even more, I'm almost tempted to run home and kiss him all over his face...but he'd probably just push me off and I'd love him even MORE for it!!! hahahhaa

I swear ENFP's are glutton's for punishment!

 

[Amargith]

EXACTLY!

After reading this thread....I love my ISTP even more, I'm almost tempted to run home and kiss him all over his face...but he'd probably just push me off and I'd love him even MORE for it!!! hahahhaa

I swear ENFP's are glutton's for punishment!

You should do it, just to get that 'WTF'-look on his face

 

[StephMC]

I figured I'd revive this... just because (Mostly boredom). From my perspective as an ISTP, here's a few more tips I'd like to add since my last post way back when:

- We'll do our best to respect your boundaries/feelings if you're clear with them. And by clear, I don't mean several hints. I cannot emphasize being straight-forward enough. I mean flat out: "I need x because of y." We may toe that line a few times if it's not an answer we like, but if you're consistent and hold your ground, we'll stop. Especially when we recognize it's the only way.

- In return, please respect our own boundaries. We can be slow to make a decision about what's important to us (our lack of Fi). If we can clear the feelings/relationship fog long enough to figure out and express a boundary, then please respect it. The good news is, the lines of any boundaries we have may have a lot of room for error.

- If we seem confused about a relationship, give us enough time/space to figure it out. There will be no end in sight for that confusion if we're not given room to think. Keep in mind that we may pout if we don't get enough attention from you (Keyword: enough). Stay strong. It's for our own good.

- Encourage us if we give you a favorable reaction. Just like every other human being, we learn by your reactions. If we care enough, we're paying close attention to how you respond to us. We're not immune to being trained ... just don't let us know that's what we're doing, or we may rebel.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

[MENTION=6448]StephMC[/MENTION] you covered all the bases.