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  1. #91
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bamboo View Post
    Apparently I'm the only one who can't understand the post (orig. by lalangela).

    Nobody answered my question as to whether my assumption of what you're (lalangela) asking is correct.

    And I don't even understand what you did or said to this guy or how it involved his past girlfriend.
    I think you understood her correctly but only lalangela can clarify what she wrote. However, I will try:

    Quote Originally Posted by lalangela View Post
    I broke it off with my ISTP a few days ago. His ex contacted me and forwarded me a few emails that he had been sending to her. They were friendly emails to "catch up," but she claimed that he had done this with his ex while dating her also. She said it was his way of getting close to her which is completely unacceptable because he was in a relationship. Then, she took the time to convince me on the phone that he had treated her horribly the one year that they were together.

    I confronted the ISTP, and believed him when he said that they were just friendly emails. I even saw them myself and there was nothing wrong. However, being the ENFJ that I am, I overreacted and started questioning his past relationship. I tried to be understanding but I lost it when he said that his ex and I are eerily similar and that he didn't feel any different this time around. In other words, I would go through the same thing because he doesn't change for anyone.

    Problem is that I had changed for him, I became more accepting of his habits which included disappearing for a few days to be by himself. I made his shortcomings work for me. To this, he answered that I was overlooking his flaws and this gave him the idea that he could do "whatever the fuck I wanted." He said he was looking for someone who would threaten to leave him if he ever fucked something up.

    Is something that all ISTPs look for in relationships?
    Lalangela's ex-boyfriend's (let's call him Joe) ex-girlfriend (let's call her Jane) emailed lalangela, all of Joe's email to Jane. Not only this but explained to lalangela that she (Jane) was not comfortable with these email because it was a way for Joe to get close to her (Jane). She (Jane) knows this because Joe emailed his ex-girlfriend (let's call her Sally) when he was committed to her (Jane). Then Jane claims that Joe treated her horriable the one year they were together.

    (I think woolgather points about Jane is correct)

    Lalangela, even though she saw that the emails were harmless, just friendly, started to over react when confronting Joe and became really upset because Joe accused her of being the same as his ex (Jane) in the same situation (Jane got upset about his emails to Sally).

    (This part gets a little tricky)

    I think several issues are going on:

    1. She changed for him but he doesn't change for anyone (my interruptation: she feels that she put more effort in compromising in the relationship mainly that she gave him more space but not getting her needs for closeness met and she accepted this therefore resentment);

    2. He retorted that she was at fault and he was going to find someone who will keep him under her thumb (he felt that she was trying to control him and didn't want to go there again; I think he also felt that he was being accused of cheating when he was just being friendly).

    ---------------------

    I wonder if lalangela was feeling heart broken when she wrote this...for her question does not make sense according to my understanding. Hmmm...looks like I'm going to have to take my previous post back!

    Hope this make things clearer but only lalangela can clarify this.

  2. #92
    Junior Member lalangela's Avatar
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    Alright, there are a few things that need to be clarified.

    I was dating the ISTP because he wanted a "second chance" after we got off to a bad start in January. He said he wanted to change which entailed being more open and telling me what he was thinking so I didn't have to assume. He did this for about two weeks and then settled on a certain level of openness. He would be around for a few days, open and giving, and then disappear for a few days. I made this work for me. At first, I was a little annoyed by it but then I realized that this distance allows for anticipation and experiences to tell each other about. I was happy. I've never needed particular closeness from a significant other, in fact, I resent being attached all the time.

    I wasn't angry that he was emailing his ex-girlfriend. I believed him when he said it was only catching up. However, I wasn't going to hide the fact that I had been talking to ex-girlfriend on the phone for an hour. I told him what she was trying to convince me of. I was expecting some sort of denial and proof that things weren't and wouldn't be the same for us. Instead, I got an accusation that I was eerily similar to his ex-girlfriend and that there was no promise that I wouldn't go through the same things she was so hurt by. As an ISTP, he puts everything bluntly so he said "I don't feel any different."

    You could said I had been brainwashed by his ex-girlfriend's words because she told me things like "your boyfriend should make you feel like his number one, his everything." Coupled with how my bf was while they were dating and how well she's treated by her current bf, I got lost in my own thoughts of a fairy tale relationship.

    This is when I overreacted.

    I know from reading these threads and observing him that he would not respond well to a girlfriend who put their relationship on the line constantly.

    If it helps, I can tell you that he's an insecure, stubborn ISTP who admits he's struggled with a low self esteem most of his life. However, I'll never understand where all this indecisiveness comes from.

  3. #93
    I am Sofa King!!! kendoiwan's Avatar
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    I'm going to have to point the finger at you. You're calling him stubborn and insecure, but it looks like you're the one that shoe fits. You claim lack of compromise, yet your clarification condemns you not him...
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ml#post1161526

    "They the type of cats who pollute the whole shoreline. Have it purified. Sell it for a $1.25"

  4. #94
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lalangela View Post
    Alright, there are a few things that need to be clarified.

    I was dating the ISTP because he wanted a "second chance" after we got off to a bad start in January. He said he wanted to change which entailed being more open and telling me what he was thinking so I didn't have to assume. He did this for about two weeks and then settled on a certain level of openness. He would be around for a few days, open and giving, and then disappear for a few days. I made this work for me. At first, I was a little annoyed by it but then I realized that this distance allows for anticipation and experiences to tell each other about. I was happy. I've never needed particular closeness from a significant other, in fact, I resent being attached all the time.

    I wasn't angry that he was emailing his ex-girlfriend. I believed him when he said it was only catching up. However, I wasn't going to hide the fact that I had been talking to ex-girlfriend on the phone for an hour. I told him what she was trying to convince me of. I was expecting some sort of denial and proof that things weren't and wouldn't be the same for us. Instead, I got an accusation that I was eerily similar to his ex-girlfriend and that there was no promise that I wouldn't go through the same things she was so hurt by. As an ISTP, he puts everything bluntly so he said "I don't feel any different."

    You could said I had been brainwashed by his ex-girlfriend's words because she told me things like "your boyfriend should make you feel like his number one, his everything." Coupled with how my bf was while they were dating and how well she's treated by her current bf, I got lost in my own thoughts of a fairy tale relationship.

    This is when I overreacted.

    I know from reading these threads and observing him that he would not respond well to a girlfriend who put their relationship on the line constantly.

    If it helps, I can tell you that he's an insecure, stubborn ISTP who admits he's struggled with a low self esteem most of his life. However, I'll never understand where all this indecisiveness comes from.
    My ISTP husband is stubborn as well and this does stem from not being sure about an issue as well as you see in this thread, 'you can't make me ' attitude.

    I think indecisiveness comes from keeping one options open until your sure about the issue, whether that be from feelings or gathering of facts. Unfortunately, this could lead to sitting on the fence and not taking advantage of opporunties when they arise. Especially when one is not confident enough.

  5. #95
    Junior Member lalangela's Avatar
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    it would be wrong to call me stubborn in this case, and a moment of insecurity is natural. How I reacted to it...is not.

  6. #96
    I am Sofa King!!! kendoiwan's Avatar
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    I beg to differ,and mind you this is just my observation, I don't mean to attack: You stubbornly hold the view that your way is "the" way. First you said he wasn't open enough. Then you admit it was him who wanted to "start over" but you weren't pleased with his comfort level of openess or his need for "me time". Then you accused him of something in absence of it actually occurring, allowed a third party to color your view of your relationship and now you still blame him for most of what happened, and downplay the role your insecurity played in all this. Seems pretty stubborn to me.
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ml#post1161526

    "They the type of cats who pollute the whole shoreline. Have it purified. Sell it for a $1.25"

  7. #97
    Junior Member lalangela's Avatar
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    Alright, say this is all true, do I single-handedly destroy everything between my ISTP and me?

  8. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rainne View Post
    Yeah. Don't bring up accusations like that when things haven't even happened yet. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
    ^ +1.

    Careful la la la langesdflsdds your name is like a spongebob saying to not let your emotions get the best of you here. He's going to bring out the worst in you if you let your fears control you. The past is the past. Contacting your past is not bad in itself. But if you're contacting them because you want to rekindle something, that's another thing. He's moved on from that girl and he's with you, it takes a lot to ask someone to give them another chance. Easier to just cut ties with someone you fuck up with in any way. He's trying to make it work with you, it seems.

  9. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rainne View Post
    Yeah. Don't bring up accusations like that when things haven't even happened yet. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
    The only thing that can be really had with things that havnt happened is personal intospection, everything else is missing alot of info. At these times all someone really knows is whats in their head. While someone can easily introspect their thoughts that exist which create these feelings/reactions, becareful with accusations.
    Im out, its been fun

  10. #100
    Junior Member lalangela's Avatar
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    I feel like it's too late because first, I initiated the break up, so do I have to make the first move? Second, he said a lot of painful things like he didn't know if he even liked me and dating me was to see if I would grow on him. Also, I'm like his ex and he doesn't feel any different (though his actions seem to prove otherwise), so I will probably go through the same thing as she did. He gave me two reasons because I specifically asked where I came short: (a) He didn't feel like I trusted him (which I clarified to him asap) (b) the relationship didn't seem like it was going anywhere. I questioned this because I know he likes to live in the moment but this annoyed him and he replied, "well god woman I know I'm stupid but I'm not retarded. I stop to see what the fuck I'm doing once in a while." I guess people can say painful things in the heat of an argument. I don't know where to start fixing things, and part of me wants the dust to settle first.

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