[ISTP] My ISTP and I...

[jeejeek]

Hi everyone,

First post here...and another NF starving for affirmation from an ISTP. I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on how I could gauge how he's feeling about me.

We've been seeing another on and off now for about two months. Although I was really attracted to him, I dumped him after a few dates because I know that I'm someone that needs alot of affirmation and affection and realized that he wouldn't be able to provide that. Then he wrote me the sweetest email saying he couldn't stand the thought of us having missed out on something potentially great and I was really touched by that. Then we ended up spending an amazing weekend together.

Then what do you know, no news from him for days afterward!!! I was like WTF...and confused all over again. But eventually he called and I invited him over to dinner at my place. He was really touched bec I had put in a lot of effort making the dinner. Then he started to tell me about his doubts...and why he had'nt been in touch...that he wasn't sure if he could provide the level of affirmation that I needed. So of course I was disappointed again. Then we saw each other again when I went to his place to pick up a few of my things, but ofc we ended up making out, and ofc we were officially no longer seeing each other.

He contacted me a few days later and we saw each other again...By that time we were both on the look out for new romantic interests online (we met on an online dating site and I can see when he's online -- I know, I'm so pathetic!! ;p). We spent the night together and when I called him the next day to see if he wanted to spend the Friday evening with me, he said he was waiting for someone else to get back to him so he wasn't sure, but he'd let me know. Ofc I was very disappointed again, thinking if he had to wait for someone else's reply before knowing if he wanted to see me or not that I wasn't very important to him. So then I sent him another email saying I think it would be best if we stop seeing each other altogher. He replied saying that he had a good time with me but bec he just got out of a long-term relationship, he didnt want a serious relationship...that he wished the circumstances could've been different...but he'd like for us to stay in touch.

So it ended pretty much there, and it's been three weeks since we haven't seen each other. He visits my online profile page regularly, we exchanged a couple of friendly emails. A couple of days ago he even took my online questionnaire!! LOL. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about him...I'm almost obsessed! So I called him and asked him if he wanted to me again, he said yes, but not until next week bec he had a crazy schedule this week. Then I asked him if he would ENJOY seeing me again and with difficulty he said yes. But last night I saw him again online on the dating site where he spent the entire evening!! This is the most confusing part, he says he doesn't want a relationship at the same time he really spends an incredible amount of time online trying to find someone...

So although I'm excited about seeing him again next week, I almost dread it at the same time. Perhaps he feels the same. So I'm asking you guys, what do you think? Does he care for me at all or is he just keeping me on the hook? I'm thinking that we just go for a "friendly" outing, nothing romantic, since if this is going to go anywhere we need to develop activities outside the bedroom...

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to ISTP feedback.

-- Miserable INFJ obsessed with ISTP

 

[sLiPpY]

I think you already have the answers. So confirming...jes! indeed you are your own best answer.

 

[Poki]

Personally I am better at affirmation of someone as a person over affirmation of a relationship.

 

[jeejeek]

Ok, but what do you think? Do you think I mean more to him than a casual lay??

 

[Craft]

Why are ISTP's so popular?

 

[Poki]

Ok, but what do you think? Do you think I mean more to him than a casual lay??

Take it away and find out.

 

[jeejeek]

Well I did take it away...and apart from visiting my online profile page and taking my questionnaire (unsolicited), he hasn't called me or tried to reinitiate the relationship. He did hint it to me in an email that he'd like to see me again but he never proposed overtly that we see other again...Then I yielded and called him a couple of nights ago...Perhaps I should'nt have done that...LOL...Gosh I'm terrible at this...

 

[Amargith]

Why are ISTP's so popular?

Coz they're a bitch to catch
And even worse to hold on to, apparently

They do that whole addictive intense making you feel special thing in the moment, then next they're off. Kinda like a whirlwind. Leaves you all wtf

Of course, I'm only guessing based on my observations here
I prefer to stay clear and grin at them from afar, personally.

@ OP: he's keeping his options very much open. I have no doubt he likes you but he sounds like he's windowshopping still. I say let him chase you a bit, test what he wants. Expect nothing, move on and see what happens. I have to say, that although I find their breed incredibly appealing, if I were in your situation, I'd try and keep it very much emotionally sceptical and down to earth (aka no infatuation allowed). Let him figure out what he wants first, and then I'll see if I'm interested in what it is he has to offer, be it friendship, sex, fuckbuddies or the real deal. Too much emotional drama otherwise that will rip you to shreds.

 

[jeejeek]

Is it even possible for an ISTP and INFJ relationship to work? So far he's completely unwilling to make any compromises...that's what bothers me the most...

 

[jeejeek]

Personally I am better at affirmation of someone as a person over affirmation of a relationship.

That's true, he tells me nice things about me as a person quite frequently. Although he does think that I act like a princess, which is quite unfair because all I want is just to spend more time with him bec I like him!

 

[jeejeek]

@ OP: he's keeping his options very much open. I have no doubt he likes you but he sounds like he's windowshopping still. I say let him chase you a bit, test what he wants. Expect nothing, move on and see what happens. I have to say, that although I find their breed incredibly appealing, if I were in your situation, I'd try and keep it very much emotionally sceptical and down to earth. Let him figure out what he wants first, and then I'll see if I'm interested. Too much emotional drama otherwise that will rip you to shreds.

Thanks...I'll try, I find it very difficult to keep my emotions inside...

 

[Grungemouse]

Is it even possible for an ISTP and INFJ relationship to work? So far he's completely unwilling to make any compromises...that's what bothers me the most...

As an IXTP type, I have problems with compromising too much, when I'm really into someone. I all too readily flex around their needs, sometimes at the expense of forgetting about #1. I'm not sure if ISTPs are necessarily like this. The ISXP I'm with dislikes phone calls, but she knows I like to hear the sound of her voice, so she calls me during her lunchbreak despite this. If he isn't compromising at all, then he probably isn't that emotionally invested. I would look elsewhere and make it clear that you're doing so, until he decides to man up.

 

[Amargith]

^That's just it..don't keep them inside..analyze them, understand them and disable the ones that drive you mad. Coz otherwise you'll just be an emotional ticking timebomb and that won't help. He's just a guy. You don't know nothing about him yet, whether he's even worth your time. Get to know him. See if he's worth the fuss. And just coz he's ISTP doesn't mean he gets a license to completely turn your world upside down without showing the proper credentials ( I know, they rule at it and will always test the boundaries ).

Let's see what he's got

Meanwhile...do some windowshopping yourself. It's always a good thing to check up on interesting prospects.

 

[countrygirl]

@ OP: he's keeping his options very much open. I have no doubt he likes you but he sounds like he's windowshopping still. I say let him chase you a bit, test what he wants. Expect nothing, move on and see what happens. I have to say, that although I find their breed incredibly appealing, if I were in your situation, I'd try and keep it very much emotionally sceptical and down to earth (aka no infatuation allowed). Let him figure out what he wants first, and then I'll see if I'm interested in what it is he has to offer, be it friendship, sex, fuckbuddies or the real deal. Too much emotional drama otherwise that will rip you to shreds.

I agree 100%. Don't let your obsession make you miserable.

 

[jeejeek]

Thanks everyone for the kind replies...I feel less miserable already

 

[Intricate Mystic]

I'm an INFJ married to an ISTP and there are other people on the forum who are INFJ-ISTP pairings, so it can work.
Putting myself in your shoes, here's my take:

Hi everyone,

First post here...and another NF starving for affirmation from an ISTP. I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on how I could gauge how he's feeling about me.

We've been seeing another on and off now for about two months. Although I was really attracted to him, I dumped him after a few dates because I know that I'm someone that needs alot of affirmation and affection and realized that he wouldn't be able to provide that. Then he wrote me the sweetest email saying he couldn't stand the thought of us having missed out on something potentially great and I was really touched by that. Then we ended up spending an amazing weekend together.

This is really good. I recognize the warmth in that as being something my husband would have said when we were going out. He's definitely interested.

Then what do you know, no news from him for days afterward!!! I was like WTF...and confused all over again. But eventually he called and I invited him over to dinner at my place. He was really touched bec I had put in a lot of effort making the dinner. Then he started to tell me about his doubts...and why he had'nt been in touch...that he wasn't sure if he could provide the level of affirmation that I needed. So of course I was disappointed again. Then we saw each other again when I went to his place to pick up a few of my things, but ofc we ended up making out, and ofc we were officially no longer seeing each other.

No news for days can be typical for ISTPs. It doesn't mean they aren't interested. You just have to do your thing, enjoy being your independent INFJ self, and see if he eventually calls.

I think inviting him over to dinner may have been a mistake. I would have let him make the plans. He may have felt pressured by this and thus started pulling away by telling you his doubts.

He contacted me a few days later and we saw each other again...By that time we were both on the look out for new romantic interests online (we met on an online dating site and I can see when he's online -- I know, I'm so pathetic!! ;p). We spent the night together and when I called him the next day to see if he wanted to spend the Friday evening with me, he said he was waiting for someone else to get back to him so he wasn't sure, but he'd let me know. Ofc I was very disappointed again, thinking if he had to wait for someone else's reply before knowing if he wanted to see me or not that I wasn't very important to him. So then I sent him another email saying I think it would be best if we stop seeing each other altogher. He replied saying that he had a good time with me but bec he just got out of a long-term relationship, he didnt want a serious relationship...that he wished the circumstances could've been different...but he'd like for us to stay in touch.

You were sending him mixed signals here- you spent the night but then later emailed saying you want to stop seeing him. ISTPs tend to like to make sure you are interested in them before they reciprocate. If you send mixed signals, that will make them unsure about whether to proceed or not.

I think this guy likes you but if you put too much pressure on an ISTP or act uninterested they will pull back. The "just got out of a long-term relationship" could have been an excuse/him saving face from your having rejected him.

So it ended pretty much there, and it's been three weeks since we haven't seen each other. He visits my online profile page regularly, we exchanged a couple of friendly emails. A couple of days ago he even took my online questionnaire!! LOL. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about him...I'm almost obsessed! So I called him and asked him if he wanted to me again, he said yes, but not until next week bec he had a crazy schedule this week. Then I asked him if he would ENJOY seeing me again and with difficulty he said yes. But last night I saw him again online on the dating site where he spent the entire evening!! This is the most confusing part, he says he doesn't want a relationship at the same time he really spends an incredible amount of time online trying to find someone...

He probably does want a relationship, but again, you've been sending him mixed signals.

So although I'm excited about seeing him again next week, I almost dread it at the same time. Perhaps he feels the same. So I'm asking you guys, what do you think? Does he care for me at all or is he just keeping me on the hook? I'm thinking that we just go for a "friendly" outing, nothing romantic, since if this is going to go anywhere we need to develop activities outside the bedroom...

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to ISTP feedback.

-- Miserable INFJ obsessed with ISTP

The friendly outing idea sounds good, but try to let him plan it, and put him in the driver's seat in this relationship. I'm probably going to get slammed for saying this, but try to keep the "him initiating calling/texting you" vs. "you calling/texting him" in about a 2:1 ratio, i.e. let him do most of the initiating spending time together. Don't worry about the stuff he's doing online... you're a live person present in the "here and now" of where he lives, so you've got the home court advantage. Be patient, be consistent, put across your INFJ warmth, and things should go well.

 

[Sinmara]

Why are ISTP's so popular?

Cuz they're mysteeeeeerious. *wiggles fingers*

 

[jeejeek]

wow, thanks so much Intricate! I'm going to follow your advice and see what happens.

 

[Rainne]

Why are ISTP's so popular?

Cause we're awesome and when we perform or fix things, you'd be like "wow, you're really good, nice job" and we'd shrug and be like "meh".

 

[jeejeek]

Actually he did fix my water heater in my apartment...He asked me for days afterward if it was still working and told me, for that, I could call him anytime and he'll come immediately to fix it. That's when I realized I was dating an ISTP.