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  1. #1
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    Default How to ask ESTP for changes?

    Is it possible to ask an ESTP to make changes without just making a bigger mess of things?

    I try to leave him alone and just hope that he will figure things out for himself. But sometimes, I feel like I have to make a request of him for change. It NEVER goes well. So there are important things that I don't talk to him about because I feel that, however unhappy I am, I'd be even more unhappy if I talked to him about it.

    I feel I'm being painted into a corner because there are things I want to talk to him about, some of them quite important, but I think it will only get worse if I tell him what's bothering me and what I want from him. I am not giving ultimatums, I just want a discussion. It seems that bringing up the topic of change only results in backsliding, if anything.

    Is this a personality thing or is it just a quirk of my particular ESTP?

  2. #2
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I'd suggest making suggestions while doing something- I listen a lot better if I'm doing something else (like cooking, driving, hiking, you get the idea) while being talked to! Also, never word something as a suggestion, or he'll take it as just that, and probably not do what you asked for! And beware of wording something in an accusing tone- I know that I get offended and argue when I feel like someone is accusing me of something, even if it's meant with the best intentions

    I'm sorry
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  3. #3
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Were you talking about a change in person?

    I am not a very good friend with any ESTP, but many have been my casual friends (some best friends) in the past, for quite some time.

    I failed to get one of them into honoring our meetings. No matter how much I emphasized the issue, he just didn't care. It didn't matter to him if it was a game of pool we have planned to play with friends, or any other thing.. I didn't have choice but to invite him less often, so that I could plan everything more reliably with persons I could trust.

    In his situation, there was one way to get him coming somewhere. If I met him early during the day and spent the day with him, he would get calls and invitations to go here and there. If I cared about it, and made constant assurances that my invitation would be the best and that it mattered to me, he would come. Sadly, the person didn't matter to me that much that I would have wanted to go through that trouble every time, and I guess we both recognized our time as mutual best friends was long gone.

    Situations and different environments seem to change this and other ESTP's I've known more than other types. They're adaptable, and they partly become a reflection of their new environment and situation, if they like the change. They'll change themselves for reasons I don't exactly know, but they don't speak of personal development as I know it.

  4. #4
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Develop his N.

  5. #5
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    First, start out by not listening to Edahn. He's on medication that causes him to give advice and sing Disney show tunes. A lot. Simultaneously.

    Second, I think Whatever has some good pointers.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
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    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    Were you talking about a change in person?
    No - I have learned THAT will not work, LOL. I have learned to ask for a change in behavior. I have a lot of trouble getting him to view as important the things that I view as important. And I feel that since I'm important to him, he could humor me. But it does not seem to work out that way.

    As idealistic as I am, I suppose that he thinks, you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do because then it would be phony. Which I see as another, opposing form of idealism.

  7. #7
    Senior Member pocket lint's Avatar
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    Last edited by pocket lint; 12-05-2007 at 11:06 PM. Reason: Deleted entry- was too personal

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    Never word something as a suggestion, or he'll take it as just that, and probably not do what you asked for! And beware of wording something in an accusing tone- I know that I get offended and argue when I feel like someone is accusing me of something, even if it's meant with the best intentions
    Yeah, thanks for that. He seems to really hate it when I hint or suggest, and then expect that he will respond.

    I still have not found out how to avoid the accusing tone. He seems to read accusation into the most innocent of remarks.

    He does like to do activities, like fix a motor, and have me sit with him and talk/help, which I find incredibly boring. Perhaps I am missing an opportunity.

  9. #9
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    definitley talk to him then!- phrase things like it's both of your fault- not just his

    I'm totally guilty of feeling like I'm being accused of things all of the time
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by pocket lint View Post
    It was just the unhealthiest relationship I've been in. I think it was more that we were at different levels of maturity. We were together our freshman year of college. He is still stuck in the partying everyday phase.
    I know what you are saying about different levels of maturity. Type development is something I am waiting for. Apparently, if he matures normally, we'll be more compatible in 20 years or so.

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