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Thread: rant - being the other guy

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Bamboo's Avatar
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    Jan 2009

    Default rant - being the other guy

    so there has to be a pattern, but i don't see it, and i can't understand it.

    and of course, being a 21 year old male, i'm all emotional over - wait for it - women. what a shocker. first of my kind, right? but I digress.

    with the first few girls, it wasn't a problem. c from california was just a weekend I only count her on the list cause she was my first. she just decided she liked me, and i went along with it. she went on back to cali and shannon came after her - same situation, basically. she liked me, i followed along. she left for college and is out of the picture. i only mention her because she comes up later.

    Side note: This was all in high school. I'll assure you that I wasn't a ladies man, and I was far from being popular. I spent 90% of my time in my head anyway, what did I know?

    Molly tried to hook up with me drunk, and being quite sober, i pushed her off me. after apologizing to me (i was rather unphased but amused) eventually, she asks me to homecoming. i had some puppy love for her. that fling self combusts. to show her how much she doesn't like me (i guess?) she hooks up with some guy, and then another girl in front of me. and some other guy later in the night. I bring this up because it's the closest I've been to "cheated on", but i wasn't that hurt. i even see her with her new guy, and i decide it was just better. she was a popular, high maintenance girl, i was some quiet loner, it didn't work. they did.

    Marie is where the trouble starts. Marie always liked to talk to me about her relationships and exploits, typically via IM. i'm not sure why, but she just liked giving me details - and lots of them. this is a regular thing between us, goes on for months. apparently her boyfriend is some drugged out asshole. she comes on to me, and i go for it. he sat right next to me in computer lab, too. never talked to the guy.

    i don't really feel guilty about it, and the situation disappears when she goes off to college.

    remember shannon? well she comes back from college (i'm still in hs, maybe senior year...) during some break and we hang out. we hook up and immediately she starts crying. she has a boyfriend, apparently. I feel like crap, even though I really didn't know I was doing anything. I just don't like making girls cry.

    hs ends, i go abroad for some time. meet a girl there, at the time i'd assume she had no bf and i think that was the reality of the situation. but months later, back in the states, we hang out again. on top of me, while hooking up, she tells me she has a boyfriend. but she keeps kissing me. my reaction is . i don't know what that meant.

    so at this point in the story i'm in college. i'm less in my head now.

    time in college was rather uneventful. there were two girls, and neither had a boyfriend, but FWIW, one seemed to be into the idea of polyamory.

    after a year and a half, i'm out of college and taking a year off to figure things out. this was about...14 months ago.

    i reflect back on this muddled history and decide to do unto others as i would have them do unto me.

    except, I wondered, that if I ignored my girl, or didn't meet her needs, then I would pretty much expect she would go elsewhere. i really don't like the whole behind the back thing though.

    with these thoughts in limbo, I meet laura, an acquaintance from HS, out jogging. we flirt online. we meet up and...she won't stop talking about her boyfriend. it's non-stop almost. except she seems interesting, and i actually like this girl, in a way different than the rest. and she's flirting with me.

    we talk a lot about her boyfriend. she's in a bad situation. the guy is an asshole, and it's clearly and emotionally abusive relationship. he also has some sort of alcohol problem.

    i can't decide if i like her. i feel strongly for her, but her choices to remain with this guy, who "when he is asleep, he holds me so dearly" but yet when he is awake gets drunk, calls her a whore (in front of his parents, no less, who encourage her to leave him) and stalks her, suggests that her decision making skills are less than stellar.

    my phone rings, and she's outside my house at weird hours. she cries and tells me stories about the latest thing the guy did. it makes me angry. i worry that if i ever meet the guy, i'd end up doing something stupid. i also worry about her dependence on me.

    i hang out with her regularly though. there is high sexual tension. eventually, they "take a break" which means that we basically tear into each other. except, suddenly, she becomes very strange, like she is thinking of him, and it was the most awkward sexual encounter i ever had, and i'd never want to repeat anything like it again.

    we stop hanging out.

    so time passes, and I meet shannon again. the shannon i used to know, who was essentially a sweet girl, is different now. scattered. she has some boyfriend, and she tells me about how they never have sex and she wants to dump him. after all this crap in my past, i think i should have just smacked her in the face and moved along. but somehow, she convinces me after a few days that she has needs and I, lacking impulse control, decide to go along with things.

    i didn't really enjoy it. ugh.

    i immediately regret it, and I avoid her, explaining I don't want to be involved.

    present day. so i'm doing handyman work. I meet this one woman. She's 40 or so, but young spirit. Except, y'know, she's married...and has kids. Let me repeat that. SHE IS MARRIED AND HAS 4 F#%$NG KIDS. So now I'm paranoid. Is she just friendly? Maybe she's just friendly and laid back. I mean, she did wear make-up that one time...but...I dunno, maybe she had somewhere to go after.

    And lots of women go on about how their husbands don't fix stuff around the house. They argue a lot when he's around. They have me for dinner after working. Reading their body language is funny. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she leans away. Maybe funny isn't the right word. She mentioned divorcing him, and I suggest that maybe they're just having a rough spot.

    She told me a story today. Her friend, well she's having an affair. Apparently, with a contractor. And she's cheating on the contractor with some other guy. Imagine that.

    But really, I'm just selecting details which stand out to me as incriminating, cause dammit, I like her (I hate being me, btw). Which is a problem on it's own, but maybe this is just in my head. I know I don't want to get involved in this crap. It's just short term thrills vs. long term shittiness and suffering. Ugh.

    Oh, and, there's another girl. Just met her. Maybe she's friendly too, and I just can't be around a friendly female without thinking she's coming on to me. I mean, she's very charming, I think that's just her manner. She makes that eye contact with everyone, I guess.

    She really seemed like she wanted to meet up tonight, but she's southern...maybe I'm reading this all wrong, they're really friendly.

    Besides, she told me she has a boyfriend.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  2. #2
    mod love baby... Array Lady_X's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    9w1 sx/so


    yikes bamboo! wth yo!?

    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #3


    Your pattern is repeatedly "going with it." Doesn't seem to be leading you on paths for long-term satisfaction whatsoever from what you're describing.

    Is there any particular situation in which you can easily say you'd absolutely not involve yourself? Picture it inside your mind, and try to describe it here as well as you possibly can.

  4. #4
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    Bamboo, are you noticing that nearly everyone you have ever been with is unavailable (well, sort of)? Is this a way of avoiding having to get too close to someone emotionally, or is it just ambivalence and taking "opportunities" as they come along?

  5. #5
    Twerking & Lurking Array ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Sep 2009
    4w3 so/sx


    Key of advice. Do not hang out with woman alone who are taken! It usually only causes trouble.

    Bamboo, it sounds like there's been some manipulation going on from the female side of it all and you've just gone with it, not really knowing what to do. Though I don't really know whats going on, but just from what your telling me, this seems to be a bit so.

    I cannot tell you the situations I've put myself in because I just "went with the flow" when it came to guys. I've been that 'other girl' without even knowing or wanting to be. The only way to really change this is to put up some boundaries.

    These girls may be hurting or bored or whatever, I don't know, but they sure aren't thinking about you. What's to happen if their SO found out? You could be in some deep crap my friend. That's no joke. It is dead on seriousness. These girls don't care about what happens to you (from what I see here), they just want their satisfaction filled, whatever that may be.

    So I guess, even if you don't agree or I don't make sense, this is a plea from someone who's been there. You can't continue that way. It will only lead to destruction. Just remember, by you going with it, you become the one to blame. It becomes your fault and your problem.

    And if I've made a fool of myself, I am sorry .
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array Loxias's Avatar
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    Mar 2010


    Some theories say that women like to have a man to sustain themselves financially and to be their accepted husband in society in whom they are not really that sexually interested. And the type of men they are really into, but wouldn't take the risk to be with.
    If that theory has any truth, you could be one of those guys that women really dig for sex but don't see as a stable provider of security.
    4w5 so/sp
    I 77% E 23%
    N 85% S 15%
    T 51% F 49%
    J 60% P 40%
    average of many test results combined

  7. #7
    Magical Array BlackCat's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    9w8 sx/sp
    SEE Fi


    I get you when you say you "go with it." That's what I've done in my past relationships, even though there was something that I really wasn't comfortable with about the situation and/or I knew it wouldn't last. I just went with it, whatever... that's what I thought. May as well get some temporary enjoyment out of it. But the problem with that was... I always ended up unhappy.

    So I've decided to just not get too involved with anything that I wouldn't be totally happy with, and that I knew wouldn't last. By "not too involved" I meant: have your fun, but don't get too attached and don't let it get too deep.

    That's all I can really tell you dude... except that you've had some really bad luck.
    () 9w8-3w2-7w6 tritype.

    RCueI (primary Inquisition)

  8. #8
    Member Array decided's Avatar
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    Mar 2010


    Why do you keep letting these girls use you?

    I could understand it if you were just in it for the sex, but it sounds like you want more.

    I think you should show some dignity! Think about the boundaries you have with women, and make some changes. You probably want to try being a bit more choosy about women too.

  9. #9
    Rainy Day Woman Array MDP2525's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    6w5 sx/sp
    ISTp None


    First of all. I like your honesty and commend you for sharing your life and thought process.

    You must have a protective or safe aura around you because these women who are pretty damaged feel comfortable expressing their secrets and lives with you. However, these types of girls will always need "rescuing" and you'll find out that they never want to be "saved".

    To me, It's sounds like you're more perplexed by their behavior than enraptured with it. Even still. If you don't recognize the patterns of behavior in the people you attract you can't change how you respond to them. You asked about wanting to recognize a pattern. I think you've recognized it. These girls you describe are ignorantly predatory. They are emotional vampires. They suck the positive energy out of you so they can feel good enough to give theirs to assholes.

    The only way to break the pattern is to know yourself and your desires better. This comes with learning from life experience.

    OK. We can be so "go with the flow" that those people who are in our lives romantically tend to call the shots and we follow their lead. I may not be that old but I'm out of my twenties (Thank God) and I can impart this advice that took me a decade to learn:

    1) Find out what you don't want in a relationship. Find out what traits are "deal breakers" for you. This knowledge base is constantly being built upon.

    Everyone says find out what you want. Personally, that never worked for me because there's so much behavior that I can be "okay with". I think you'll understand what I mean by that. Anyway. I found reverse engineering that phrase helped much more in dating and it made the whole process much simpler. Not to say, it's a simple process.

    2) Take Number 1) and apply those lessons or "deal breakers" to the next romantic interaction and so forth. This may sound bad but with each person you date you should be getting better and better quality a person. Umm...maybe I should say, with each person you will find they fit you better than the last one.

    3) Trust your gut.

    4) Constantly evaluate and fine tune your internal value system (develop Fi?!) I don't know but that's helped me when I'm confused about someone I'm with. Does this person and their beliefs mesh with my own? It clarifies a lot for me and puts the other person is an easy to access "category" and I can respond to them with more confidence because I know where they stand with me.

    Don't mess with a married person. I know from experience and if you want to PM me about it I will provide you with details or any answers to questions you have. It's tempting because it feels like no strings but just wait...the drama comes in a tidal wave.

    I don't know if this helps and I hope that I have made some sense? It's a hard thing to type about. Good luck Bamboo!
    ~I'm looking California, and feeling Minnesota.

    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

  10. #10
    Senior Member Array countrygirl's Avatar
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    Jan 2009


    There's alot of great advice here. My 0.02 cents worth:

    So when a women talks about her SO in a non-flattering light to you, that's a red flag. Stay away.

    And do stay away from married women, you don't know the husband and when jealousy rears its ugly head, you could be in danger.

    As for polyamory, do your reasearch. It sound great but it does has its draw back.

    Good luck.

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