so there has to be a pattern, but i don't see it, and i can't understand it.
and of course, being a 21 year old male, i'm all emotional over - wait for it - women. what a shocker. first of my kind, right? but I digress.
with the first few girls, it wasn't a problem. c from california was just a weekend I only count her on the list cause she was my first. she just decided she liked me, and i went along with it. she went on back to cali and shannon came after her - same situation, basically. she liked me, i followed along. she left for college and is out of the picture. i only mention her because she comes up later.
Side note: This was all in high school. I'll assure you that I wasn't a ladies man, and I was far from being popular. I spent 90% of my time in my head anyway, what did I know?
Molly tried to hook up with me drunk, and being quite sober, i pushed her off me. after apologizing to me (i was rather unphased but amused) eventually, she asks me to homecoming. i had some puppy love for her. that fling self combusts. to show her how much she doesn't like me (i guess?) she hooks up with some guy, and then another girl in front of me. and some other guy later in the night. I bring this up because it's the closest I've been to "cheated on", but i wasn't that hurt. i even see her with her new guy, and i decide it was just better. she was a popular, high maintenance girl, i was some quiet loner, it didn't work. they did.
Marie is where the trouble starts. Marie always liked to talk to me about her relationships and exploits, typically via IM. i'm not sure why, but she just liked giving me details - and lots of them. this is a regular thing between us, goes on for months. apparently her boyfriend is some drugged out asshole. she comes on to me, and i go for it. he sat right next to me in computer lab, too. never talked to the guy.
i don't really feel guilty about it, and the situation disappears when she goes off to college.
remember shannon? well she comes back from college (i'm still in hs, maybe senior year...) during some break and we hang out. we hook up and immediately she starts crying. she has a boyfriend, apparently. I feel like crap, even though I really didn't know I was doing anything. I just don't like making girls cry.
hs ends, i go abroad for some time. meet a girl there, at the time i'd assume she had no bf and i think that was the reality of the situation. but months later, back in the states, we hang out again. on top of me, while hooking up, she tells me she has a boyfriend. but she keeps kissing me. my reaction is . i don't know what that meant.
so at this point in the story i'm in college. i'm less in my head now.
time in college was rather uneventful. there were two girls, and neither had a boyfriend, but FWIW, one seemed to be into the idea of polyamory.
after a year and a half, i'm out of college and taking a year off to figure things out. this was about...14 months ago.
i reflect back on this muddled history and decide to do unto others as i would have them do unto me.
except, I wondered, that if I ignored my girl, or didn't meet her needs, then I would pretty much expect she would go elsewhere. i really don't like the whole behind the back thing though.
with these thoughts in limbo, I meet laura, an acquaintance from HS, out jogging. we flirt online. we meet up and...she won't stop talking about her boyfriend. it's non-stop almost. except she seems interesting, and i actually like this girl, in a way different than the rest. and she's flirting with me.
we talk a lot about her boyfriend. she's in a bad situation. the guy is an asshole, and it's clearly and emotionally abusive relationship. he also has some sort of alcohol problem.
i can't decide if i like her. i feel strongly for her, but her choices to remain with this guy, who "when he is asleep, he holds me so dearly" but yet when he is awake gets drunk, calls her a whore (in front of his parents, no less, who encourage her to leave him) and stalks her, suggests that her decision making skills are less than stellar.
my phone rings, and she's outside my house at weird hours. she cries and tells me stories about the latest thing the guy did. it makes me angry. i worry that if i ever meet the guy, i'd end up doing something stupid. i also worry about her dependence on me.
i hang out with her regularly though. there is high sexual tension. eventually, they "take a break" which means that we basically tear into each other. except, suddenly, she becomes very strange, like she is thinking of him, and it was the most awkward sexual encounter i ever had, and i'd never want to repeat anything like it again.
we stop hanging out.
so time passes, and I meet shannon again. the shannon i used to know, who was essentially a sweet girl, is different now. scattered. she has some boyfriend, and she tells me about how they never have sex and she wants to dump him. after all this crap in my past, i think i should have just smacked her in the face and moved along. but somehow, she convinces me after a few days that she has needs and I, lacking impulse control, decide to go along with things.
i didn't really enjoy it. ugh.
i immediately regret it, and I avoid her, explaining I don't want to be involved.
present day. so i'm doing handyman work. I meet this one woman. She's 40 or so, but young spirit. Except, y'know, she's married...and has kids. Let me repeat that. SHE IS MARRIED AND HAS 4 F#%$NG KIDS. So now I'm paranoid. Is she just friendly? Maybe she's just friendly and laid back. I mean, she did wear make-up that one time...but...I dunno, maybe she had somewhere to go after.
And lots of women go on about how their husbands don't fix stuff around the house. They argue a lot when he's around. They have me for dinner after working. Reading their body language is funny. He puts his arm around her shoulder and she leans away. Maybe funny isn't the right word. She mentioned divorcing him, and I suggest that maybe they're just having a rough spot.
She told me a story today. Her friend, well she's having an affair. Apparently, with a contractor. And she's cheating on the contractor with some other guy. Imagine that.
But really, I'm just selecting details which stand out to me as incriminating, cause dammit, I like her (I hate being me, btw). Which is a problem on it's own, but maybe this is just in my head. I know I don't want to get involved in this crap. It's just short term thrills vs. long term shittiness and suffering. Ugh.
Oh, and, there's another girl. Just met her. Maybe she's friendly too, and I just can't be around a friendly female without thinking she's coming on to me. I mean, she's very charming, I think that's just her manner. She makes that eye contact with everyone, I guess.
She really seemed like she wanted to meet up tonight, but she's southern...maybe I'm reading this all wrong, they're really friendly.
Besides, she told me she has a boyfriend.