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  1. #21
    Senior Member LeafAndSky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    I once made a list of what I need to be included and not included in the relationship, what I wanted, and a few things I thought of would be nice. I think it only covers about 2/3 of a page so far.
    It seems like 2/3 of a page would be fine. Basics. Get too detailed and it becomes unlikely that anyone would ever be a match.

  2. #22
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Lists are great in forming a strategy.

    Also a good practice is for men to list "who they want" in an ideal mate and females to list "what qualities they want" in a mate.

    Typically men and women list it the other way around (i.e. men saying they want a woman who can be good in bed and woman saying they want a man who is courageous). Thus for hetros to switch this around works, if nothing else, as a good exercise. Its not just semantics rather it gives one a helpful perspective.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edgar View Post
    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
    There's alot of great advice here. My 0.02 cents worth:

    So when a women talks about her SO in a non-flattering light to you, that's a red flag. Stay away.

    And do stay away from married women, you don't know the husband and when jealousy rears its ugly head, you could be in danger.

    As for polyamory, do your reasearch. It sound great but it does has its draw back.

    Good luck.

    Yup, I agree with countrygirl. When a woman is talking with a male about their SO nothing good ever comes of it. That paticular type of interaction indicates the presense of the "cheating" gene.

  4. #24
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Because this was mostly a rant, instead of a directed question, I left out details as I saw fit, because I just wanted to rant, mostly about how girls already in relationships seem to be over represented in my life experience.

    Since y'all intend to throw a bunch of advice at me, I guess I'll add these details.

    I'm not totally without self-control. I left out how I kept my distance from the one I called laura for weeks, even when she very much wanted me while she was with her guy. I left out how I tried to, with most these girls, encourage them to stay with their guys and gave them tips and strategies to keep them together. I left out how in recent months a single girl practically threw herself at me and I rejected her on the basis of her emotional immaturity.

    i left out the girl in college whose ex was one of my friends that i didn't pursue even with signals to do so.

    i left out the girlfriend of my friend/roomate in college, who suggested a threesome which clearly made my friend uncomfortable, so I didn't follow suit, nor would I go along with her flirting with me at social events.

    i left out how after shannon, I vowed to not be involved with cheating or cheaters because it's good for neither of us. if you don't like the guy you are with, don't stay with him. then i'll see where things go.

    i left out that when my client mentioned her cheating friend, that I responded that I'm not into that sort of drama, and I don't understand why people don't try to fix or leave relationships they clearly aren't into. (she agreed.)

    and in the last two cases, i didn't emphasize this part enough, or at least it doesn't has as much appeal to answerer's so it wasn't addressed: i really think I'm just paranoid, and that i'm so weirded out by this crap that I can't even act friendly with women in relationships without thinking they are flirting with me.

    I think these details have relevancy.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  5. #25
    Senior Member LeafAndSky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    Somewhere over a year ago my best friend (an ESTJ) made me write a list of what I REALLY wanted in a relationship and what I was doing that prevented that from happening. It really opened my eyes to patterns in my behavior that were totally working against me Though I know that Ps and Lists work like oil and water, it IS a helpful exercize
    I put the first part of that exercise in a new thread in the Relationships forum. If anyone -- rumvardh or spamtar perhaps -- wants to add suggestions on how to make such a list, feel free.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
    There's alot of great advice here. My 0.02 cents worth:

    So when a women talks about her SO in a non-flattering light to you, that's a red flag. Stay away.

    And do stay away from married women, you don't know the husband and when jealousy rears its ugly head, you could be in danger.

    As for polyamory, do your reasearch. It sound great but it does has its draw back.

    Good luck.
    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    Yup, I agree with countrygirl. When a woman is talking with a male about their SO nothing good ever comes of it. That paticular type of interaction indicates the presense of the "cheating" gene.
    Ok, for the rest of this I'm going to answer responses in order, but I see you're in the thread now slippy so I ask: why do you believe this?

    I have reason to suspect the same.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bamboo View Post
    Because this was mostly a rant, instead of a directed question, I left out details as I saw fit, because I just wanted to rant, mostly about how girls already in relationships seem to be over represented in my life experience.

    Since y'all intend to throw a bunch of advice at me, I guess I'll add these details.

    I'm not totally without self-control. I left out how I kept my distance from the one I called laura for weeks, even when she very much wanted me while she was with her guy. I left out how I tried to, with most these girls, encourage them to stay with their guys and gave them tips and strategies to keep them together. I left out how in recent months a single girl practically threw herself at me and I rejected her on the basis of her emotional immaturity.

    i left out the girl in college whose ex was one of my friends that i didn't pursue even with signals to do so.

    i left out the girlfriend of my friend/roomate in college, who suggested a threesome which clearly made my friend uncomfortable, so I didn't follow suit, nor would I go along with her flirting with me at social events.

    i left out how after shannon, I vowed to not be involved with cheating or cheaters because it's good for neither of us. if you don't like the guy you are with, don't stay with him. then i'll see where things go.

    i left out that when my client mentioned her cheating friend, that I responded that I'm not into that sort of drama, and I don't understand why people don't try to fix or leave relationships they clearly aren't into. (she agreed.)

    and in the last two cases, i didn't emphasize this part enough, or at least it doesn't has as much appeal to answerer's so it wasn't addressed: i really think I'm just paranoid, and that i'm so weirded out by this crap that I can't even act friendly with women in relationships without thinking they are flirting with me.

    I think these details have relevancy.
    I just want to say that I'm impressed at what a gentleman you are and that you aspire to be.

    That is all.

  8. #28
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ayoitsStepho View Post
    Key of advice. Do not hang out with woman alone who are taken! It usually only causes trouble.

    Bamboo, it sounds like there's been some manipulation going on from the female side of it all and you've just gone with it, not really knowing what to do. Though I don't really know whats going on, but just from what your telling me, this seems to be a bit so.

    I cannot tell you the situations I've put myself in because I just "went with the flow" when it came to guys. I've been that 'other girl' without even knowing or wanting to be. The only way to really change this is to put up some boundaries.

    These girls may be hurting or bored or whatever, I don't know, but they sure aren't thinking about you. What's to happen if their SO found out? You could be in some deep crap my friend. That's no joke. It is dead on seriousness. These girls don't care about what happens to you (from what I see here), they just want their satisfaction filled, whatever that may be.

    So I guess, even if you don't agree or I don't make sense, this is a plea from someone who's been there. You can't continue that way. It will only lead to destruction. Just remember, by you going with it, you become the one to blame. It becomes your fault and your problem.

    And if I've made a fool of myself, I am sorry .
    Essentially, I agree with this. I agree with the idea of not carrying on with this same pattern, and taking responsibility for my actions.

    Stay with 'taken' women only in groups, generally makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by Loxias View Post
    Some theories say that women like to have a man to sustain themselves financially and to be their accepted husband in society in whom they are not really that sexually interested. And the type of men they are really into, but wouldn't take the risk to be with.
    If that theory has any truth, you could be one of those guys that women really dig for sex but don't see as a stable provider of security.
    Potentially.

    Part of the reason I believe I need to make a lot of cash.

    But...mo money, mo problems.

    Or be polyamorous...

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I get you when you say you "go with it." That's what I've done in my past relationships, even though there was something that I really wasn't comfortable with about the situation and/or I knew it wouldn't last. I just went with it, whatever... that's what I thought. May as well get some temporary enjoyment out of it. But the problem with that was... I always ended up unhappy.

    So I've decided to just not get too involved with anything that I wouldn't be totally happy with, and that I knew wouldn't last. By "not too involved" I meant: have your fun, but don't get too attached and don't let it get too deep.

    That's all I can really tell you dude... except that you've had some really bad luck.
    I generally am fine with the idea of enjoying things with single women who aren't going to get attached.

    Haven't met any, or at least any I want to be friendly with. I've had to tell girls that I couldn't 'hang out' with them in good conscience (actual words) because I was looking for much less of a relationship than they were suggesting.

    Luck...maybe.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  9. #29
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Well I respect that you want to change this pattern for yourself.
    Like I said, been there, done that. I just hate to see other people go through issues like that as well. So I hope you don't think I'm jumping up your butt with my "smart" advice, I just don't want to see you get in trouble.

    You're a cool, charming, and good looking guy (and a whole lot more, I'm sure). You deserve better for yourself, and don't believe you don't. I'm sure you already know all of this.

    Good luck man.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  10. #30
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by decided View Post
    Why do you keep letting these girls use you?

    I could understand it if you were just in it for the sex, but it sounds like you want more.

    I think you should show some dignity! Think about the boundaries you have with women, and make some changes. You probably want to try being a bit more choosy about women too.
    when I was younger, i was just in it for the sex. or at least it was high on the list. at this point, sex is good, but the girl who doesn't throw drama my way gets some serious attention.

    a major change over the years is i'm becoming a good deal more selective, at least about the kind of relationship I'm looking for. The actual person involved has changed also, but only to the extent that certain personality characteristics have become appealing to me.



    Quote Originally Posted by MDP2525 View Post
    First of all. I like your honesty and commend you for sharing your life and thought process.

    You must have a protective or safe aura around you because these women who are pretty damaged feel comfortable expressing their secrets and lives with you. However, these types of girls will always need "rescuing" and you'll find out that they never want to be "saved".
    Big time on that last part. I'm sure that one girl is still in that abusive relationship to this day. I felt really bad making the choice to just abandon that and helping her but it was dragging me way down to try and save this girl and I knew I'd never get anywhere.

    To me, It's sounds like you're more perplexed by their behavior than enraptured with it. Even still. If you don't recognize the patterns of behavior in the people you attract you can't change how you respond to them. You asked about wanting to recognize a pattern. I think you've recognized it. These girls you describe are ignorantly predatory. They are emotional vampires. They suck the positive energy out of you so they can feel good enough to give theirs to assholes.

    The only way to break the pattern is to know yourself and your desires better. This comes with learning from life experience.
    Well, I'm getting a healthy dose of life experience at the moment. I don't know if all these girls were so predatory as much as confused or unsatisfied, but some of them were.

    OK. We can be so "go with the flow" that those people who are in our lives romantically tend to call the shots and we follow their lead. I may not be that old but I'm out of my twenties (Thank God) and I can impart this advice that took me a decade to learn:

    1) Find out what you don't want in a relationship. Find out what traits are "deal breakers" for you. This knowledge base is constantly being built upon.

    Everyone says find out what you want. Personally, that never worked for me because there's so much behavior that I can be "okay with". I think you'll understand what I mean by that. Anyway. I found reverse engineering that phrase helped much more in dating and it made the whole process much simpler. Not to say, it's a simple process.
    I believe in this. Generally, I can go along with most things, but the deal breakers stop the show.

    2) Take Number 1) and apply those lessons or "deal breakers" to the next romantic interaction and so forth. This may sound bad but with each person you date you should be getting better and better quality a person. Umm...maybe I should say, with each person you will find they fit you better than the last one.
    Doesn't sound bad. Just what it is.
    3) Trust your gut.

    4) Constantly evaluate and fine tune your internal value system (develop Fi?!) I don't know but that's helped me when I'm confused about someone I'm with. Does this person and their beliefs mesh with my own? It clarifies a lot for me and puts the other person is an easy to access "category" and I can respond to them with more confidence because I know where they stand with me.
    Sometimes I don't trust my gut if I think my perceptions are skewed. Which may be the case here.

    And 4 is a big part of my thoughts in general.
    Don't mess with a married person. I know from experience and if you want to PM me about it I will provide you with details or any answers to questions you have. It's tempting because it feels like no strings but just wait...the drama comes in a tidal wave.
    Yeah, that's a no go, but I just don't want to be friendly with someone who is trying to cheat, and give the wrong message, but at the same rate I don't want to piss off someone whom I find to be a generally good person whom I can relate to and might make a good mentor just because I'm paranoid.

    I think she might just be fishing for a compliment here and there and I'm seeing more than is really there.

    I don't know if this helps and I hope that I have made some sense? It's a hard thing to type about. Good luck Bamboo!
    Made sense in full. Thanks.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

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