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  1. #11
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    Oh wow, I was sort of expecting people to see this thread as a "what the hell is this" thing and then ignore it...thanks for responses everyone.

    I purposely left a lot of my thoughts as to the HOW and WHY this is going on.

    There has to be a pattern here. Clearly it takes two to tango. Meaning, my manner or behavior or subconscious or something is causing this to happen over and over again, and this is something potentially alterable.

    Here are some theories, some of you guys touched upon these:
    - subconsciously, i'm just attracted to women with SOs. maybe there is something in their mannerisms which makes me desire them, except you might notice that i'm pretty passive about relationships so far.
    - there is something in my manner which makes me appealing to women with SOs. maybe i fulfill the laid-back and or sexual part and don't deal so well with the emotional or social part, whom they choose another person for. this is my "economics" theory. (economics is the study of how people make choices to cope with scarcity.)
    - it's possible that it's just odd luck that more than 50% of my lifetime love interests have been non-single.
    - maybe i'm attracted to women who are generally desirable, and as a result, most of them have boyfriends already. this is my "statistics" theory
    - maybe i'm naive, and this is just life, and in reality, most people are cheating on everyone else, and this whole social construct of "fidelity" is a facade, and I should just drop it.
    - maybe my personality is too emotionally detached for most single women to pursue, and as a result to pursue me from the "safety zone" of already being in a relationship.

    Just thinking out loud.
    Sorry this isn't really a response to anything you guys wrote directly. More later.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  2. #12
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bamboo View Post
    Oh wow, I was sort of expecting people to see this thread as a "what the hell is this" thing and then ignore it...thanks for responses everyone.

    I purposely left a lot of my thoughts as to the HOW and WHY this is going on.

    There has to be a pattern here. Clearly it takes two to tango. Meaning, my manner or behavior or subconscious or something is causing this to happen over and over again, and this is something potentially alterable.

    Here are some theories, some of you guys touched upon these:
    - subconsciously, i'm just attracted to women with SOs. maybe there is something in their mannerisms which makes me desire them, except you might notice that i'm pretty passive about relationships so far.
    Maybe you want a long term relationship, you want what she has not necceassary her.

    - there is something in my manner which makes me appealing to women with SOs. maybe i fulfill the laid-back and or sexual part and don't deal so well with the emotional or social part, whom they choose another person for. this is my "economics" theory. (economics is the study of how people make choices to cope with scarcity.)
    Don't get involved with people who cheat. That will hurts everyone involved (especially children).

    - it's possible that it's just odd luck that more than 50% of my lifetime love interests have been non-single.
    Then create your own luck. Don't leave some things to chance. Know what you want.

    - maybe i'm attracted to women who are generally desirable, and as a result, most of them have boyfriends already. this is my "statistics" theory.
    Don't get involved with prople who cheat.

    - maybe i'm naive, and this is just life, and in reality, most people are cheating on everyone else, and this whole social construct of "fidelity" is a facade, and I should just drop it.
    It is not that black and white. Everybody falls on a spectrum of monogamy.

    - maybe my personality is too emotionally detached for most single women to pursue, and as a result to pursue me from the "safety zone" of already being in a relationship.
    Don't get involved with people who cheat.

    Just thinking out loud.
    Sorry this isn't really a response to anything you guys wrote directly. More later.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Bamboo's Avatar
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    3 at a time

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    yikes bamboo! wth yo!?

    STOP!
    That's the general idea.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aramis View Post
    Your pattern is repeatedly "going with it." Doesn't seem to be leading you on paths for long-term satisfaction whatsoever from what you're describing.

    Is there any particular situation in which you can easily say you'd absolutely not involve yourself? Picture it inside your mind, and try to describe it here as well as you possibly can.
    To get something you've never had you have to do something you've never did.

    Well, I know that it's not getting me anywhere long term. I have some cognitive dissonance involved with going along with things and acting toward long term goals.

    To the second paragraph.
    Right now, I can't really. I mean, anything is possible. Shit. I know I used to be able to do that. Something is wrong. I need to back away from this.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Bamboo, are you noticing that nearly everyone you have ever been with is unavailable (well, sort of)? Is this a way of avoiding having to get too close to someone emotionally, or is it just ambivalence and taking "opportunities" as they come along?
    I think it's more the second.

    Except, as a general statement, everyone I've been involved with has been unavailable. Conditioning?






    OK, I'm getting too far up my own ass with all this "woe is me" bullshit. Enough whining. I need to figure out what I'm doing and do it.
    Don't know how much it'll bend til it breaks.

  4. #14
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I understand what you were talking about!

    Until recently I had similar luck in a lot of circumstances- or worse occasionally - with a break for a long term relationship where HE had another woman thrown into the mix (and to make things worse, I learned much later that he'd been with another girl- his girlfriend of 2 years- when we'd met!)

    A lot of it is the detachment thing- if you seem detached from emotional entanglements, it makes you a tasty bait for taken people wanting a quick snack- they are generally looking for someone who they can sleep with and confide in, but not end up entangled with. If you appear to be emotionally detached, you seem like exactly the type of person who can fulfill these needs.

    Also, if you have the problem of treating everyone equally, in a friendly way, and joking with people (I know that I do that ) a lot of people will think that you're flirting with them! Listening to their troubles also puts you in that category... it's kind of a movie cliche when you think about it

    (so is wanting to jump the handyman- but that's ANOTHER type of movie )

    Somewhere over a year ago my best friend (an ESTJ) made me write a list of what I REALLY wanted in a relationship and what I was doing that prevented that from happening. It really opened my eyes to patterns in my behavior that were totally working against me Though I know that Ps and Lists work like oil and water, it IS a helpful exercize

    Once I realized what I really wanted and what obstacles I was putting in the way it was a lot easier and now I'm happily taken as the ONLY woman!

    Also- feel free to ask questions- like I've said, I've been there
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #15
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    How about just simply practicing some self-control?

    Do you know what you want out of these relationships? Is it just sex? If it's more than just sex, do you get that a relationship born out of cheating isn't the healthiest thing in the world? And still you are compelled? Would you ever consider keeping things platonic for a while?

  6. #16
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    I have noticed of recent how very charming SPs are so start off with giving yourselves a pat on the back for being charming and approachable. Us rationals can be too base and trite and many of the other types seem to moralizing or controlling. The SPs are best at raising above the riff raff and finding the art and aesthetics in their seductions.

    That being said OP may wish to look at his instruction manual. HE is not a tool so he is not to be used as one. OP would be better served by being the handyman when it comes to seduction and courtship. I used to be the same way indoctrinated by the media that it is the girls job to ask me on a date...waited too long to the point of ignoring indirect flirting. One thing I did to get out of that head space was to play a soundtrack of funky, jazzy, base heavy 70s/80s porn music in my head. It wasn't the most refined head change (also the fact that porn even goes beyond the main media "direct come on by woman" myth in courtship) but it was easy helped as some internal guildance of where I was going to lead this encounter. So in other words I had my antena out for women firting with me indirectly and after that I would carve the path directly...if they were just being friendly I would soon be able to pick up on that and either backpeddal or abort.


    Enough with being pulled into their world...as if they were the tour guide taking you on a tour...its important...especially for a man...to take the reins in his hands and pull the subject of your affection into your world (if they have a boyfriend when you do it thats their problem. Some of the best lovers are ones who have boyfriends.) Use your P and don't look on each seduction a means to an end rather make it an artistic process without boarders.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  7. #17
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    I also wonder about self-control and SPs' handle on it. One of my close girlfriends is an ISFP and she too just goes with the flow when it comes to relationships. She discriminates heavily when it comes to the guy's appearance, but not much else, which leads me to think she's NOT thinking of long-term potential as a decisive factor. She goes with what feels good to her at the moment and doesn't worry too much about the possibilities.

  8. #18
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Self control... what's that? I thought control was that nasty thing parents try to hold over us when all we want to do is have fun!

    Yeah, we all need to learn about it sometime or the worst that can happen is a knife in the back. Didn't need a consequence that bad to get that out of my headspace though - I just got cheated on myself.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #19
    Senior Member LeafAndSky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    Somewhere over a year ago my best friend (an ESTJ) made me write a list of what I REALLY wanted in a relationship
    There's your Step 1, Bamboo. You seem pretty open, so maybe you'd like to use this thread to do it? [That would ensure that it actually happens.]

    We're waiting.

  10. #20
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I once made a list of what I need to be included and not included in the relationship, what I wanted, and a few things I thought of would be nice. I think it only covers about 2/3 of a page so far.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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