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  1. #1
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Question How do you address an ISFP who has hurt you?

    I have found myself in a situation where a Type Nine ISFP I know (not a close friend, but a good acquaintance with whom I have a meaningful connection) has been flaky and hurt my feelings very badly. You can read about my experiences with her in these two posts:

    This one happened many years ago:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...34-post12.html

    This one, last October:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...65-post21.html

    I am planning to call her in a couple of months about something practical I need to ask her, but I would also like to talk to her about what happened last fall. How should I proceed?
    Last edited by KLessard; 03-01-2010 at 12:23 PM.

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    I have found myself in a situation where a Type Two ISFP I know (not a close friend, but a good acquaintance with whom I have a meaningful connection) has been flaky and hurt my feelings very badly. You can read about my experiences with her in these two posts:

    This one happened many years ago:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...34-post12.html

    This one, last October:
    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...65-post21.html

    I am planning to call her in a couple of months about something practical I need to ask her, but I would also like to talk to her about what happened last fall. How should I proceed?
    I handle such conversations in a consistent manner, no matter what type a person is.

    The reason I have chosen to do so is that I feel you have much more to gain by treating everyone with the same level of respect, courteousy, and civility, than you do by trying to craft several tones of approach for given types of people. If anything, I think you have alot to lose if you invest too heavily in considering type dynamics in a conversation intended to serve as a means for you to communicate with a freidn that has done wrong by you in some capacity, than you have to gain, simply because it is impossible for you to determine where someone adheres to generalisations of their type, and where they differ.

    So, in short:
    ------------
    (1) Write down your side of the conversation before you initiate it. Doing so will ensure you have understand your own motivations very clearly, and also reinforce your sense of chronology over the course of events that led to the difference.

    (2) Do not under any circumstances have this conversation by phone, e-mail, or text message if the person is in your physical proximity. Doing so is impersonal, and opens the whole conversation up to misinterpretation of non-verbal cues.

    (3) Contact your friend and tell them you have a few things you'd like to talk to them about. Don't ambush them with the discussion when your purpose was supposed to do something simple, like go bowling, or have lunch, or whatever. No one likes surprises in situations like this.

    (4) At the beginning of your conversation THANK THEM for their time, and let them know you appreciate the chance to talk with them. You will have their undivided attention, and you will have their respect for taking the high road. Ask them to allow you to talk first, and that they listen to your account from start to finish. This prevents agenda hopping.

    (5) Be direct:
    "The reason I asked you to talk with me is because you hurt my feelings on a few occasions. Once was when we were doing "A" together and you said "X", and the other time was when we did "B" together, and you said "Y."

    (6) Go into the details of each incidient. Be accurate, clear, concise, and complete. Avoid sounding derogatory at all costs if you wish to keep all channels open and keep things civil.

    (7) Close your delivery with a quick recap. Effective communication uses the following format: (a) Tell them what you are going to say, (b) Say it, and (c) Tell them what you said.

    (8) Ask them for their feedback.

    (9) Offer your ideas for reconciliation as you deem fit.

    (10) Always remain of a calm tone of voice. Avoid terms like "You did this" or other language that puts them on the spot or causes premature shame.

    (11) If they get upset and wish to discontinue the conversation, allow them to do so, and ask them if you can reschedule it sometime soon if it is important to you.

    That's my strategy for such events. I hope it is useful to you in some capacity.

    Good luck,

    -Halla
    --------------------
    Type Stats:
    MBTI -> (E) 77.14% | (i) 22.86% ; (S) 60% | (n) 40% ; (T) 72.22% | (f) 27.78% ; (P) 51.43% | (j) 48.57%
    BIG 5 -> Extroversion 77% ; Accommodation 60% ; Orderliness 62% ; Emotional Stability 64% ; Open Mindedness 74%

    Quotes:
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  3. #3
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Confront them about it (the sooner the better) and be very straight-forward about your perception of events and how it made you feel.

    The way they respond will tell you all you need to know.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    She lives in Nova Scotia, and I live in Quebec. We are far away from each other, so I have no other way than written communication (letters- she hates computers) and the telephone. I would gladly meet her if I could.

    I have sent her a kind letter after the incident, and she hasn't responded (perhaps my kind tone made her think it was all right, but I was really trying to be understanding, hoping it would help her to do her part). But I still need to talk to her, mostly to be at peace with it myself. It really hurts me still.

  5. #5
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    In your letter, be sure to let her know that it is your high regard for her that has caused you to feel hurt. That if she wasn't so important to you, you wouldn't have minded so much.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by disregard View Post
    In your letter, be sure to let her know that it is your high regard for her that has caused you to feel hurt. That if she wasn't so important to you, you wouldn't have minded so much.
    I have told her how much I respect her already, but didn't mention "hurting," thinking it was pretty clear to her that ditching someone is hurtful. That was in the letter already sent in October. I need to talk to her, now.

    I would appreciate the ISFPs' point of view on this. I hear they hate to talk about negative feelings and just escape or ignore you until they are ready to talk, and that is if they are willing. I have seen it happen.

  7. #7
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    I'd call her as soon as possible and deal with the situation. Don't write a letter because that gives her room to procrastinate or to forget. Open yourself up and let her see how you felt when she treated you the way she did. The quicker it's dealt with, the quicker it can pass.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Hirsch63's Avatar
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    I cannot see the extent of your relationship (how deep? how long?) but a look at your posts makes me think....she's just "not that into you" as they say. I am not sure how accurately typed I am, but I am pretty sure that the type of behaviour that you describe is not typical of this ISfp....You trust her obviously....and it seems that your trust is not being reciprocated. She is either completely oblivious to your concerns or she must know and not really feel that they are worth her commited involvement. She may have all the friends (and perhaps many more) that she needs being in entertainment. Your relationship may be a casualty of her success if she has a large following.

    I would like you be upset at the behavior you describe....especially in my younger days. You handed off a piece of your creative life to her (and took the trouble to modify it for her) on an understanding of her commitment to both read and promote it...that is serious business. Blowing you off at one of her performances is personal...but the manuscript thing, that is business
    I imagine she might have spent some time pushing demo tapes or CDs to clubs, DJs and record companies? How would she feel if she entusted you with one of those and you just threw it in a corner?

    How should you proceed? Appraise her of your regard for her both as a friend and confidante whose opinion you value. Ask if she truthfully shares the same regard for you or if she thinks of you much more as an acquaintence at this point in time (despite how close you may have once been). She may wish to avoid conflict and pain....so I'd approach quietly, calmly and in a way that won't send her running off or telling you what you want to hear at the time to make you happy.
    Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings...Steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you a king

  9. #9
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hirsch63 View Post
    I cannot see the extent of your relationship (how deep? how long?) but a look at your posts makes me think....she's just "not that into you" as they say. I am not sure how accurately typed I am, but I am pretty sure that the type of behaviour that you describe is not typical of this ISfp....You trust her obviously....and it seems that your trust is not being reciprocated. She is either completely oblivious to your concerns or she must know and not really feel that they are worth her commited involvement. She may have all the friends (and perhaps many more) that she needs being in entertainment. Your relationship may be a casualty of her success if she has a large following.

    I would like you be upset at the behavior you describe....especially in my younger days. You handed off a piece of your creative life to her (and took the trouble to modify it for her) on an understanding of her commitment to both read and promote it...that is serious business. Blowing you off at one of her performances is personal...but the manuscript thing, that is business
    I imagine she might have spent some time pushing demo tapes or CDs to clubs, DJs and record companies? How would she feel if she entusted you with one of those and you just threw it in a corner?

    How should you proceed? Appraise her of your regard for her both as a friend and confidante whose opinion you value. Ask if she truthfully shares the same regard for you or if she thinks of you much more as an acquaintence at this point in time (despite how close you may have once been). She may wish to avoid conflict and pain....so I'd approach quietly, calmly and in a way that won't send her running off or telling you what you want to hear at the time to make you happy.
    It wasn't about business to me at all, but about connection. I respect her as an individual. Including her in my artwork was all about honouring her.
    I don't think she needs me at all, but I respect her and would appreciate her to do the same and keep her own word.

  10. #10
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    I agree with Hirsch. I'd be extremely hurt if I'd gone through the same situation. It's a lack of respect for you and your time. I dont know about the other ISFPs, but I sure as heck don't offer or make promises unless I'm 100% sure I can fulfill it.

    If you're going to talk to her, I'd focus on YOUR feelings and how you're hurt. I wouldn't point out and say "Look what you did to me!!!! You're horrible, blah blah blah" (though I'm sure you wouldn't ). Just keep the focus on you.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

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