[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

[Rainne]

I dated an ISTP for a few years. If an ISTP is interested, he IS going to ask you out. In my experience, they'll also just "show up" where you are without asking. I don't recall there ever being much advance notice, if any. When he called to ask me out, it was the day he wanted to take me out and often times he was already enroute to pick me up... He seemed to take it personally, if I ever told him I had other plans. That could be my imagination though, but I will say it did seem like he would go through an extended period of silence where I wouldn't hear from him for days, if I happened to be busy when he called.

EDIT: Based on my experience, I would not recommend you asking him out.

oh my somebody's figured it out

 

[lasdf23]

Someone else might offer more concrete advice. I'd simply like to share a technique I discovered later in life...to help me find my own answers.

The instructions are simple. Either sit cross legged on the floor, or upright in a chair. Palms face down on your lap. You can pick a spot about four feet out in front of you and simply gaze, light on or off. Or close your eyes if that seems more comfortable.

Breathe in and out through your nose, but let your mouth hang open "relaxed." You can rest the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

When you're finally comfortable, on the in-breathe what you want to do is breathe whatever and however you are feeling about the situation into your heart. I mean really let yourself FEEL it, even if you're afraid of how it might feel..just go ahead and breathe that feeling deeply into...your heart.

As you breathe out...think of all the other people who have been through this experience that you are and/have gone through. Breathe out a sense of relief, breathe out a feeling of empathy and compassion for all of those other human beings. Who have, and are going through this experience you're breathing into your heart.

Do not suppress your thoughts as they arise. Simply observe them. Label the chatter that inevitably arises as "thinking." Just mentally say to yourself periodically "thinking."

Sit with that feeling and the thoughts that arise for as long as it takes. Even if it takes all night. Just sit with it...experience it. You'll know when you've found the answer and/or peace that you are looking for inside, as only you can find it.

I don't know what you will find, but I'm about 100 percent positive you'll be pleasantly surprised. You may not be able to sit with it for five minutes, you might be able to go for six hours. Doesn't really matter just be where you're at. It's a beautiful experience...when we're open to it.

Thank you slippy, I just did that for 5 minutes before someone interrupted me, but I already found some insights that I was previously ignoring.

I think, the reason why I cannot let go of the desire to make amends, has some to do with my own pride. I have always been good with people, and though friendships have drifted over time before, my situation this time is the first time that somebody had deliberately rejected me and pushed me out of their lives, making me feel unwanted. It took a while for me to process that and make myself understand that I cannot be everybody's friend, let alone everybody's best friend.

On top of that, my particular regret lies in the fact that I myself have sort of acted erratic in some sense this time, contributing to the even faster deterioration of my friendships/FWB relationship. I don't want to sound redundant, but in order to make my point, I would like to give a chronological order of the significant events one more time.

Mid-January:

• Overheard M and another girl fooling around one night. Shocked, in disbelief for the most part (you were hooking up with me telling me I'm more than just anybody, yet you turn around and fool around with another girl, even tell her "we should go out"???!!)
• Confronts him about it 2 days later, he denies it ever happening, telling me to believe in him
• Invites him to dinner to clear the air, he ended up making a move on me again and we hook up

Late-January:

• M goes hot and cold. I cannot take it, always obsessing over M and the other girl, second guessing M's every single actions. Emotionally unstable.
• Sends him a bunch of texts in desperation, to tell him that I was interested in him, hoping that me coming clean on my feelings would move the situation forward.
• He responds "Nothing has changed, I'm not interested in a relationship."

Early-February:

• Despites the earlier agreement, he continues to hook up with me a few more times when the other girl was not in sight.
• Finally fed up, I leave the house

End of February:

• Finds out that M is with that other girl now

Now, it didn't come clear to me up until just now, but what I'm personally embarrassed about was the bolded part, that I had sent him 7 or 8 long texts describing my feelings for him, practically uncensored. I was desperate...it was my last resort (the fact that I had to *artificially* stay up for 72 straight hours to complete my homework that time definitely didn't help...the drugs made me even more emotionally unstable). I tried my best to not sound creepy, but it was my FIRST time ever coming clean of my feelings for a guy, I was particularly clumsy at it. He told me he was scared the next day. (And still managed to continue hooking up with me ...AH!!!)

I'm really embarrassed about it now about the fact that I practically made a fool of myself. And that does not sit well with me. Guess it's a form of pride that I never recognized in myself up until today.

By making amends, I want to flush out that embarrassing past. I want to prove to myself that he won't be making fun of me...There definitely is an element of that, if that even makes sense (and of course, the bitterness of being lied to).

What can I do to let go of these multi-layered feelings?! If I don't do anything, I will forever resent myself for making a fool of myself in front of a guy who played me so easily. Yet, if I do (as in initiate actions to make amends), I still risk being rejected, and feeling embarrassed yet again...

(sorry for such long posts always)

 

[Rainne]

I want to prove to myself that he won't be making fun of me...

Word of advice: With an ISTP, nothing's ever personal.

 

[A window to the soul]

Thank you slippy, I just did that for 5 minutes before someone interrupted me, but I already found some insights that I was previously ignoring.

I think, the reason why I cannot let go of the desire to make amends, has some to do with my own pride. I have always been good with people, and though friendships have drifted over time before, my situation this time is the first time that somebody had deliberately rejected me and pushed me out of their lives, making me feel unwanted. It took a while for me to process that and make myself understand that I cannot be everybody's friend, let alone everybody's best friend.

On top of that, my particular regret lies in the fact that I myself have sort of acted erratic in some sense this time, contributing to the even faster deterioration of my friendships/FWB relationship. I don't want to sound redundant, but in order to make my point, I would like to give a chronological order of the significant events one more time.
...
Now, it didn't come clear to me up until just now, but what I'm personally embarrassed about was the bolded part, that I had sent him 7 or 8 long texts describing my feelings for him, practically uncensored. I was desperate...it was my last resort (the fact that I had to *artificially* stay up for 72 straight hours to complete my homework that time definitely didn't help...the drugs made me even more emotionally unstable). I tried my best to not sound creepy, but it was my FIRST time ever coming clean of my feelings for a guy, I was particularly clumsy at it. He told me he was scared the next day. (And still managed to continue hooking up with me ...AH!!!)

I'm really embarrassed about it now about the fact that I practically made a fool of myself. And that does not sit well with me. Guess it's a form of pride that I never recognized in myself up until today.

By making amends, I want to flush out that embarrassing past. I want to prove to myself that he won't be making fun of me...There definitely is an element of that, if that even makes sense (and of course, the bitterness of being lied to).

What can I do to let go of these multi-layered feelings?! If I don't do anything, I will forever resent myself for making a fool of myself in front of a guy who played me so easily. Yet, if I do (as in initiate actions to make amends), I still risk being rejected, and feeling embarrassed yet again...

(sorry for such long posts always)

I mean this in the nicest way...

There's nothing to prove here. For the love of all that's holy, let it go.

If you're looking for a magic formula to assist you in the letting go process, the bad news is that there isn't one. "Letting go" is going to take some effort and self-discipline on your part, but I believe you can definitely do it if you try.

 

[mcmartinez84]

At this point I'd go with what perfectgirl has said. Let it go. Worst case...you've learned some valuable life lessons, right? The dude is a douche bag. You're not losing much by just dropping everything to do with him. He lied to you. What a fucking bastard. That on its own is enough to never give a damn about him again. No one needs to lie to you about why and how you're friends with each other.

 

[sLiPpY]

I see there's been some very solid counsel, and perfectgirl makes an excellent point. The technique is not magical, in that it will not change the reality of the situation. But it is something you can use, to gain mastery over the associated thoughts and feelings vs. being driven by them.

Once the emotional component seems satisfied. One can simply modify the technique, and instead of breathing into the heart. Simply breathe with a light focus of attention on the "out" breathe. Just feel the physical and associated sensations as you exhale through the nose, with mouth slightly open.

Let your thoughts arise, and gently label the arising thoughts as "thinking."

That's more of a Mindfulness meditation. The purpose of which is to bring our focus back to the present moment on the "out" breathe. Afteral, the present moment is really all we ever have?

It might help with the letting go, and moving on. In that the pattern of thoughts associated with the situation, will simply "disolve." Giving way to an openess to the present moment and all the possibilities for newness it contains.

 

[cafe]

Sometimes, too, it helps to come up with a script for yourself -- a thought you can switch to when you start obsessing. Like 'The past is the past. I control only myself. I learn from my mistakes. They help me grow.' Or if there is something that you really enjoy thinking about that absorbs your thoughts well, think about that.

Some things (not many mind you, but some) really do go away if ignored. Thoughts are happily one of them.

My upbringing left me with debilitating thoughts of guilt and I had to learn to switch them off in order to not be chronically depressed. I think the same can be done with other stuff.

And you know, a good cognitive therapists is worth his or her weight in gold for stuff like this. Maybe you have access to one through your school?

 

[Livluv49]

As an istp i am usually extremely content in an uncomplicated, no title, friends with benefits relationship where your together but without a title theres no commitment no jealousy no fighting bcc your not technically dating! I happily avoid relationship talk to keep things how they are without complicating them. And im sure most istp's are like this if they have past relagionship experience. My advice for you is to force him to go all or nothing and tell him you need a title or your out and he will go all in to make sure he doesnt lose you. Istp's dont like the complications of relationships but we understand that other people need a title and commitment to feel secure.

 

[Maricia]

Hi,
My mother says: Why would the man by the cow when he has the milk for free ?
Maybe you should give him the opportunity of finding out his true feelings for you. There's one way to do that. When he comes for sex again try not to do sex. If he says you guys are friends only....maybe you should try and behave as a friend at least once and see what happens. Maybe treating him as you do to your female friend...been polite and friendly only. Nothing else!
It's just a suggestion. And maybe the way I would do myself in a similar situation. But you are the only person who can decide what is best for you.
Wish you good luck! Xxx