[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

[Chuckums]

She came here asking for help and you are all welcome to pick my message apart. Please, at least step up and agree or disagree . Thank You.

What are some of the actions that I can take to convey to an ISTP that I care for him?

Just your willingness to be around him and not pursuing other men is telling him you care and there is no doubt in my mind, from what you have said, that he knows you care. ISTPs don't need a lot of emotional reassurance/support-a very low maintenance personality type. They pretty much take care of themselves and just knowing someone likes them is all they really need, but because of this and other traits, they can easily be viewed as uncaring and apathetic!

It may be kind of awkward at this point, but a present is a nice thing for ISTPs-but they are the hardest type to buy a present for! I didn't want to even go there, too complicated and seems just plain wrong at this point, but maybe later-who knows? Special food is almost always a hit with ISTPs.

Try not to be too controlling as that can really freak them out, but adding some sound structure to their lives can be a positive enhancement.

One of the biggest +s is when people are fair to them. Now, if he is not "hooking up" with anyone else, then he could very well view you "hooking up" with someone else as being unfair. Weird, huh?

He is a young ISTP, and you dumping your emotions on him can cause an emotional "defensive wall" to pop up, hence the perceived apathy I mentioned earlier. ISTPs are not very good at conveying their true emotions and it may be that he doesn't yet realize "what he has"-may take a while.

This will sound nuts, but this could very well be the case with him-
As of right now, your relationship is in limbo, and he may be comfortable enough with that, because as long as it stays that way, he knows he won't "lose" you. All right, that was nuts, but try not to use too much of your NF thought process when analyzing ISTPs.

 

[Salomé]

If the affair is strictly FWB, is there a need to show him you care? As an IXTP, that would be pushing the boundaries of that sort of relationship. I thought it was supposed to be a casual relationship, with no strings attached?

Yes, you seem confused, lasdf23. What is it you want? First you say

Honestly I myself don't know if I want a relationship right now or not. Maybe I just want some confirmation that he liked me too on an emotionally level, because what we have right now, the casualness, despite it being quite a fragile equilibrium, actually sits quite well with me

in the next breath

I would not be able to separate physical needs with emotional needs. EVER. It has to be the whole deal, otherwise it's the same agony all over again.

Are you sending him these mixed messages too? You need to make up your mind what you want and are prepared to accept. You need to understand that what you have right now is not really the sort of relationship that is going to make you happy. And I think you've gone about it in entirely the wrong way, if longevity and real intimacy was your goal. I don't know if you can salvage anything at this point. Experience suggests, no. Step back, as you decided you must, evaluate your own needs and priorities. You don't need to show him that you care, (he knows already and his response is "WE SHOULD STOP" - hello!) at this point he needs to show you!

 

[sLiPpY]

It's just sex... Sex is a body function no different than taking a dump. But then again, wasn't it Freud that succeeded in making taking a dump even more complicated?

 

[Poki]

This is interesting. So does that meant that NFs who are naturally inclined to help people, give the ISTP the sense that they love him/her even if that were not to be the case? And doesn't that get tiresome, aka, that you speak their language of love but they don't really communicate yours back to you? Not judging here, just curious..

For such a perceptive and an introverted thinking type you would think that they would merge to the other person as they learned them and became comfortable. From my experience Se doesnt limit what it pulls in and while Fe is "inferior", I thought order was based on preference and that has nothing to do with how strong a function can be. I dont use Fe with everyone and 99% of the people I pass in day to day life doesnt see any of it because of Ni and knowing what using Fe actually does. But the people I care about because I like who they are as a person get to see alot of Fe, Ni knows I dont have the time to turn Fe on to the world. My Fe while not used a whole lot in the grand scheme of my day to day life is under my control and focused like a spotlight.

 

[mcmartinez84]

It may be kind of awkward at this point, but a present is a nice thing for ISTPs-but they are the hardest type to buy a present for! I didn't want to even go there, too complicated and seems just plain wrong at this point, but maybe later-who knows? Special food is almost always a hit with ISTPs.

Most definitely true! but...

You don't need to show him that you care, (he knows already and his response is "WE SHOULD STOP" - hello!) at this point he needs to show you!

I don't recommend pursuing this ISTP under these circumstances at ALL. Seriously, get out while you're behind.

 

[Sinmara]

Conversely, him fixing things means I love you and we’re in a relationship, while for me it just means I want to help you, not I love you.

Haha, that's cute. My dad is always fixing things around the house. He lives in another state right now (it's complicated ) but when he comes home to visit, he rolls up his sleeves and dives straight into home repair.

My ISTP decided I was the one within four months, and I never had to deal with the whole FWB thing. I don’t remember him placing any caveats on our relationship and from the very beginning he seemed to take it quite seriously.

He says he had made the decision that he was going to marry my mother 2 months into dating her. He just dated her for a full year first so he didn't look like some desperate, sappy little nancy-boy you see on those romance shows.

 

[Poki]

Haha, that's cute. My dad is always fixing things around the house. He lives in another state right now (it's complicated ) but when he comes home to visit, he rolls up his sleeves and dives straight into home repair.



He says he had made the decision that he was going to marry my mother 2 months into dating her. He just dated her for a full year first so he didn't look like some desperate, sappy little nancy-boy you see on those romance shows.

I did this when I moved back in with my parents. I was like, I am bored what can I fix. The stove got fixed, the sink got fixed, the garage door got a springed hinge since everyone was yelling at everyone to stop leaving the door open....

 

[cafe]

My dad does the fixing thing, too. It's actually pretty adorable. I am a sucker for INTPs, but ISTPs would have to be my second favorite kind of guy.

 

[Grungemouse]

My dad is an ISTP and he's currently spending his weekends giving my room a makeover. And during my exam season, he left me a cream bun on the kitchen side, with a post-it note saying, "In the event of an emergency, break seal".

Also, when he was courting my mum, he would phone her almost every night to ask her whether their date was still on. That is adorably dorky.

Oh, and to the folks who's ISTP saw them as marriage material within months of dating: How old were you? I'm guessing mid/late-twenties? Not that I'm getting idealistic about my relationship, I'm just curious.

 

[Sinmara]

Oh, and to the folks who's ISTP saw them as marriage material within months of dating: How old were you? I'm guessing mid/late-twenties? Not that I'm getting idealistic about my relationship, I'm just curious.

My mother was 22 when they started dating and was 23 when they married. Dad is 2 years older.

 

[countrygirl]

My ISTP husband decided within three months to marry me. We were in our 30's.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

It's just sex... Sex is a body function no different than taking a dump. But then again, wasn't it Freud that succeeded in making taking a dump even more complicated?

Sex is not just a body function. It is a way to express love through mutual self-giving, with the possibility of bringing new life into the world.

 

[McRumi]

Sex is not just a body function. It is a way to express love through mutual self-giving, with the possibility of bringing new life into the world.

If you're F, fertile, not sterile and hetero, sure.

The other 90% of the world's sexual activity is pretty much major physical pleasuring.

 

[Grungemouse]

If you're F, fertile, not sterile and hetero, sure.

The other 90% of the world's sexual activity is pretty much major physical pleasuring.

+1 Lust is just another instinct that needs to be sated, like hunger. The kissing that comes before, and the cuddling after, is an expression of affection.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

If you're F, fertile, not sterile and hetero, sure.

The other 90% of the world's sexual activity is pretty much major physical pleasuring.

Well, I would imagine that many people who are T, or infertile/sterile or homosexual, are capable of seeing sex as something beyond just physical pleasure, too.

 

[Sinmara]

All I'm seeing in this thread are the Ts trying to explain their point of view and the NFs projecting and telling them they're wrong.

People, start listening, you might learn something.

 

[ubiquitous1]

This is interesting. So does that meant that NFs who are naturally inclined to help people, give the ISTP the sense that they love him/her even if that were not to be the case?..

Hmm, I don't know. Maybe one of the ISTPs could answer this.

And doesn't that get tiresome, aka, that you speak their language of love but they don't really communicate yours back to you? Not judging here, just curious..

Yes, communication in this area has been difficult at times, but I manage to put my NF spin on it and all is well.

 

[cafe]

All I'm seeing in this thread are the Ts trying to explain their point of view and the NFs projecting and telling them they're wrong.

People, start listening, you might learn something.

It's not all that relevant to me atm beyond just poking around on an internet forum.

 

[StephMC]

Well, I would imagine that many people who are T, or infertile/sterile or homosexual, are capable of seeing sex as something beyond just physical pleasure, too.

Hm... a work-out? Extracurricular activity?

Ah, I'm teasin. I agree with you. For me, I have to share some kind of really strong connection --mental, physical, emotional-- with someone before I can have sex with them. After that, it's just sex. Granted, I may develop feelings for that person over time, but as a result of a general relationship, not simply due to sex.

 

[Bamboo]

I'm just going to say this, considering this thread has diverged wildly from it's original course anyway...

Some punk teenager (or old lady) hit my parked car and left my driver's window shattered all over the place and screwed up the door. What a great thing to find at the end of a long work day.


...







Relevancy, you may wonder?

I'ma go get drunk and go to some divebar and hope to get some pity sex from a cougar, or that bartender that I took a body shot off of last week.



It'll make me feel better.

Y'all should be out working on getting some. FYI.