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[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

lasdf23

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Hi,

I'm posting on the forum for the first time here, but I've been following the threads quite frequently. I had a question to ask you ISTPs on this forum, hopefully you can help me out.

I'm currently stuck in a "friends with benefits" relationship with an ISTP. We met half a year ago, started off as casual friends through a circle of common friends (we're college students). That lasted for about 4 months or so before he made a move on me, and we have been hooking up ever since. We are VERY physically attracted to each other, and (being a girl and a typical ENFJ), I started to develop some feelings for him. After a long month of feeling guilty and torturing myself psychologically for getting into such a messy situation, I finally dumped my feelings onto him, to which he responded he doesn't want a relationship right now.

He insists that this is "not just a friends with benefits thing," and that I am not "replaceable by some random person." But because of his previous relationships (he just got out of a heartbreaking one just around the time we met), he needs the casualness right now. Just recently after I confessed my feelings to him, he acknowledged the emotional strain on my part and agreed that we needed to stop doing this and start working on the actual "friends" part, as our friendship had been mostly through the mutual circle of friends up until this point.

He's definitely opening up to me more, but every time temptation takes over and in the heat of the moment we hook up again. We respect each other and have friendly conversations during the day, and at night, the sex is intimate and very fun and intense. One time when I teased him during, he even blurted out that he would "take this seriously" (though I don't know how much trust I can put into his words when he was desperate for some).

I still have some feelings for him, but the situation doesn't hurt me as much as it did before because we are more open to each other as friends and lost much of the awkwardness and confusion that used to surround us before. But on the other hand, I can't help but search for signs that he may have developed some feelings towards me too.

I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?
 

KDude

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If he said he's going to make an effort to take it seriously, you should take him at his word. If he's anything like me, that is a very hard thing to say. It's something I WANT to say, but I don't know who I want to say it to.. So I don't. I haven't said anything like that to anyone in some time.

Anyways, good luck. Take it slow. Also, if he said he didn't want a relationship right now, it's not definite.
 

lasdf23

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Thank you Rez, it definitely helps to know that but I have to consciously control myself to not keep my hopes up.

From what I observed from the threads in SP Arthouse, it seems like ISTPs' true intentions are conveyed through action. I feel lots of attention and intimacy during sex, and afterwards too (he likes to cuddle a lot). But what makes me suspicious is the fact that he always says "we NEED to stop this!" and still somehow succomb to temptations and spontaneously act out on our physical attraction. Does that mean he's just trying to manipulate me into hooking up with him using the "friend" card and all he wants is just the pure physical part?

Currently our understanding is still that the last hookup was going to be THE LAST hook up. But in the future if he tries to hook up with me again (which I am almost sure he will), what should be my action? I obviously am tempted too, but ultimately I want this to develop into something more solid before I can fully enjoy the physical aspect.
 

KDude

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Huh.. I really don't want to say what your action should be.. In the end, do what makes you feel good, right?

Since you ask though, I'd suggest that you both just hang out/go on dates and do something both of you like. You could kind of keep it at the friend level, but nudge a little further. Try just having fun without sex next time. ;) If it is going to move into a relationship at all, it's gotta be about how well you like each other as people in the end. It can't revolve around sex, and if he doesn't want to get to know you any other way, or be known for that matter, it's best to take a step back.
 

Bamboo

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I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship.

He's a human, and sex is emotionally motivated, so unless he has brain damage of some sort, there is a 0% probability that his relationship with you is "unemotional."

Confused? :)

Remember, T doesn't mean he doesn't have emotions, or that he is unemotional. If he's anything like me, he may have very strong emotions, but he sees his emotions as having considerable limitations.

So he may very strongly be attracted to you, and on some other level, really actually like you for whatever qualities you possess. And the sex might be really good. I don't think you can fake intimacy. When he said he can't just replace you with some random girl he just met, it's likely true. But for whatever reason, push comes to shove, he doesn't want to be in a relationship. There are a whole lot of reasons why this could be so. I can't say why - it could be anything to do with either of you and is dependent on the individual circumstances.

My experiences in this realm have been: I don't think we would really meet each-other's needs. I can really like someone, admire some of their traits, be comfortable with them, and want to have sex with them, but not necessarily think we would make a good couple.

So:

But in the future if he tries to hook up with me again (which I am almost sure he will), what should be my action? I obviously am tempted too, but ultimately I want this to develop into something more solid before I can fully enjoy the physical aspect.

Echoing other response, this is your call. I can't tell you what to do.

But you said you are looking for "something more solid" before you can really enjoy the physical aspect. I interpret that as "having a clear definition" but I also suspect there is some trust involved in that.

In that case, it might work for you to say, 'hey, we're friends, i like you as a person, and i'm really attracted to you. but you're not my soul mate.' And if that's mutually agreed upon, then you can enjoy a friendship, some companionship, and good intimacy for the time being (until either of you find "the one.")

If you're not into that, or you don't like that, then don't do it. back off. stop seeing him for a while.

One philosophy says "why waste time with someone who isn't the soul mate" while another says "why not make the best of the situation." Your call.

My opinion: You have classes to go to, you can't spend all your time searching for Mr. perfect. Enjoy it. You're a modern woman, all that jazz - get your degree and career set up. Mr. Perfect (who won't actually be perfect) ideally should fit into your lifestyle. So figure out how you want to live your life for yourself and then find the companion to go with it. And enjoy the intimacy for now.

So I recommend:
- figure out: what do I want? are you ok hooking up and being friends? know this for yourself.
- what is his deal? he might be worried about hurting your feelings, he might not feel the right kind of spark, he might be nervous about being hurt, or he might be like me and just not think you are quite right for each other - but he likes you. find out.
- making a clear decision. seriously. lack of a clear plan/idea of what you want is a path that only leads to mediocrity and heartbreak. if you are into it, stay into it until it's done. if you're not into it, you need to create some distance, otherwise you're going to just be tempted by eachother - we know where that leads.


WOW, long post. It's a topic that's been on my mind.

Good luck.
 

McRumi

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ISTPs are ready for real relationships at about the age of 40.
In my experience, "FWB" rarely work for ISTPs.
We tend to be all or nothing types.
 

disregard

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I finally dumped my feelings onto him, to which he responded he doesn't want a relationship right now.

He insists that this is "not just a friends with benefits thing," and that I am not "replaceable by some random person."

Ugh, you are letting him mess with your heart, your head, and your body.

This is a classic example of why FWB is a terrible idea.

Is he emotionally and physically monogamous with you, yet putting a relationship on hold or

is he sampling what life has to offer? If he is, then this guy does not deserve you.
 

sLiPpY

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:thinking: why does f* ckn' have to become so complicated?

:pornstar:
 

lasdf23

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:thinking: why does f* ckn' have to become so complicated?

so you're saying friends with benefits can just be a strictly physical relationship to an ISTP then? (because it certainly won't be the case with me)
 

KDude

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What he's really saying is that ISTP's are full of one-liners and abrasiveness. ;D

My "F" says he means well.
 

sLiPpY

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What he's really saying is that ISTP's are full of one-liners and abrasiveness. ;D

My "F" says he means well.

That along with a little piss n' vinegar too. :)
 

sLiPpY

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so you're saying friends with benefits can just be a strictly physical relationship to an ISTP then? (because it certainly won't be the case with me)

Well, I can't really speak for other individuals. I've never gone looking for strictly physical relationships, but one night stands and other potential scenarios are simply part of the genetically programmed cycle.

When a friend was in college they had "cheeseburger" girl, that would bring his buddy a cheeseburger just about every afternoon for him to munch on. While she polished the lollipop.

My freshman year, there seemed to be an odd increase in the amount of female attention I was receiving. A group of females had some form of friendly competition/bet going on as to uh...well.

Once I knew what was up, I had a lot of fun with that. Stricktly physical and the group of...had no idea I was onto their game. I wasn't friends with any of their boyfriends so, didn't feel any guilt at all.

Lot's of things that happen in the late teens and early twenties, are more so driven by biology vs. whatever type of decorum we individually feel a need to assign. See things a whole lot differently now.

ISTP's are funny creatures. For myself, I can't remember having had sex more than once with someone I wasn't really interested in...beyond a superficial level.
 
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Bamboo

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:thinking: why does f* ckn' have to become so complicated?

:pornstar:

People are complicated. Especially when it comes to what they are looking for. And expectations from each other.

so you're saying friends with benefits can just be a strictly physical relationship to an ISTP then? (because it certainly won't be the case with me)

Can be? Sure. Nothing about those four letters (ISTP, or whatever) suggests what he really wants in a relationship. You're going to find a variety of view points across different people who test as ISTP.

Evaluate who he is based on who he is, not on some letters.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?

Bamboo had a really awesome post and the most important part of that was the last part where he said figure out what you want and need. Then figure out if he can give this to you.

He sounds just as confused as you are. No doubt that there are emotions involved. No one can continuously bed someone and not grow fond of that person or build a rapport. I mean, that happens naturally. But how much do you want him to like you? When he says that he doesn't want a relationship - I'd believe that.

If he says all kinds of sweet things when in bed - I'd be a little wary of putting faith in those things. It sounds like he's caught up in the moment and I wouldn't take that farther than a spontaneous expression of his feeling but not necessarily what he feels in the long run. Kind of like yelling, "Oh God!" doesn't mean someone is well versed in prayer.

Good thing is you either have a friend or a fling out of it. Enjoy either way. :)
 

McRumi

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And an ISTP makes a much much much better friend than lover.
 

lasdf23

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And an ISTP makes a much much much better friend than lover.

:-( That's very unfortunate to hear...

Thank you everyone for such insightful comments on the situation. Honestly I myself don't know if I want a relationship right now or not. Maybe I just want some confirmation that he liked me too on an emotionally level, because what we have right now, the casualness, despite it being quite a fragile equilibrium, actually sits quite well with me (though never in a million years would I have guessed a goodie-too shoes self like me would be involved in a relationship like this).

The story is actually a bit more complicated than what I initially posted, and I'm guessing it's appropriate time to add a little context to the that.

I met him (let's call him M) and his housemates through a homework group, and ended up befriending all of them. M wasn't the one I interacted with the most (maybe because I act a little nervous around him), but I had always noticed that he was flirty with me (little body touches here and there). I am fairly attractive, so I'm used to guys wanting to go touchy-feely with me. Usually I cringe away for anything beyond a friendly hug (because I'm never comfortable with initiating physical flirtiness myself), but with him, everything seemed natural and his consistent forwardness was refreshing to me.

We first hooked up when he invited me over to watch a movie with him. Guess I saw it coming, but we had so much fun together, the next morning I was the happiest I had been in a long time. He seemed to share that feeling too, constantly caressing me and wanting to hold me in his arms.

But the situation soon got more complicated, because the guy that I got along with the most at the house (let's call him T for now), liked me a lot at that time. In fact, T had confessed his feelings for me before, but I only considered him as a good friend, and I told him no and we continued to act like best friends toward each other. So when it was out in the open that I was hooking up with M, T became extremely angry at me for "leading him on" and decided all the sudden that he no longer wanted anything to do with me.

I lost a great friendship with T, and I had a hard time accepting that someone who used to be such a constant presence in my everyday life could all the sudden cut me out like that. On top of that, I found out that M had been involved in a relationship that ended quite tragically (neither of them wanted to break up but they were forced to), and he still did not seem to get over her after half a year. Though my gut feelings were otherwise, people kept telling me that M was just using me for sex, that I was his rebound, and that messed with me so much that I no longer knew who to trust. I still hung around the house a lot, but I was no longer my usual happy self with T ignoring me and feeling vulnerable and defensive against M. Maybe M took a notice of this, and at times he would go hot and cold on me (as I went hot and cold on him unintentially), though sometimes we would still hook up during the "hot" times.

That emotionally tense situation (during which I barely talked to M) continued for a month or so (until only last week) when I finally could not take it anymore and dumped my feelings onto him. As stated in my initial post, his response was that I was somebody irreplaceable and chosen, but he does not want a relationship right now because of past experiences.

Ever since then it was like a weight was lifted over me, and I am able to become my normal self again. I started talking more openly to M, to which he responded very positively, and we are now on very good terms with each other. We almost skipped the real "friendship" part and headed straight to friends with benefits, so taking a step back and learning more about each other is definitely a crucial thing in my opinion.

There are some things that worry me though, such as how I should interpret his intentions if he all of the sudden went cold on me again? It seems like he's not very eager to respond to texts (he ignores my texts all the times). He's told me that he's not much of a texting person to begin with, so guess it's just a difference in communication style, I shouldn't be worried. But I do, sometimes, because I'm paranoid that he's going to go cold on me again..

With such a bumpy start, my only path now is to be patient and see where this lands. I enjoy the casualness of our intimacy, but I cannot risk getting emotionally hurt again, especially if the other person has already made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship at this point.

Starting this thread definitely provided a lot of clarity in the way I should handle this situation. Most notably it erased my fear that all along he had just been playing me and all he was ever after was sex. I think I'm at peace with this situation as long as I can be sure of that myself, and be patient as to where this would lead.

I just wanted to say thank you again everybody for your help. By all means please don't let this thread die if you have anymore to contribute regarding friends with benefits situations.

*p.s. sorry for the super long post!
 

McRumi

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We ISTPs are forever going cold and hot. We live in the moment. The best way to keep connected is to keep giving us problems to solve...and then lots of feedback...we are performers after all. I too hate texting and phone calls. I find emails to be the perfect medium. We ISTPs do not like high maintenance partners, esp emotionally high maintenance...even medium maintenance. If you need lots of emotional attention/affirmation, it's going to be difficult. Relationship with an ISTP is like living in an airport and the ISTP is a pilot..always flying off somewhere...but always returning and always ready for the next flight. The ISTP is in love with the flying, not another lover in some distant city. Most ENFJs cannot handle the ISTP emotional neglect /lack of constant attention. Most ISTPs cannot handle the ENFJ non-stop emoting. BUT...like politics, all love is local and cannot be reduced to type or formula.
 

Poki

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Id prefer friends with benefits to a one night stand. Its better when the other person knows what you like, wants to experiment, etc. Why start back at square one everytime.

It depends, friends with benefits would be more like if the desire arose you would proceed down that path and its an expression of "in the moment" feelings and it can get confused with long term feelings as someone else mentioned. Dont most relationships start out as friends with benefits? Dont most older people argue that you should be with a friend because when the "infatuation" stops you still need that friendship that holds you together through the rough times.

I dont see any problems with friends with benefits unless one party starts reading into it being more then that and you have a conflict of interest and one starts pushing and the other pulls harder until one of you is forced to let go. If your intention all along was sex then yes I could see a problem as you may try to force the friendship.
 
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