[ISTP] ISTP - "friends with benefits" relationships

[Intricate Mystic]

Not me. Sex is one of the few areas where I can turn off my frikken brain for awhile and just experience sensations. All I really need is for us to both be home, awake, and have a reasonable expectation that the kids aren't going to hear or interrupt us.

That's great! I think I go around stressing about stuff too much and can't relax.

Looks like I need to invest in a good observatory telescope!

HaHa
I just thought of something... maybe offering your INFJ a glass of wine or two would be helpful.

meh i got some new glass from the part yard and just installed it (it's snowing, plastic bag in snow is no good)...it seems to work. bondo? ugly for now but...she's a beater.

Yaaaay....new glass! Your area is supposed to get slammed with 2 ft. of snow, I think.

 

[Heinel]

Looks like I need to invest in a good observatory telescope!

Nice and big.

The color is a bit worrying, though.

 

[Chuckums]

Nice and big.

The color is a bit worrying, though.

I'm ISTP male, didn't even look at the color, but if I had some weird complex and felt I had to compensate for something, I would have picked this one-

 

[Chuckums]

HaHa
I just thought of something... maybe offering your INFJ a glass of wine or two would be helpful.

The planets have to be aligned for her to drink too.......along with the correct barometric pressure and humidity percentage

 

[cafe]

The planets have to be aligned for her to drink too.......along with the correct barometric pressure and humidity percentage

Do you have young children?

 

[McRumi]

With apologies to Bette Davis: Why look at the stars when we have a sandwich in hand?

 

[Chuckums]

I have a bowl of Lucky Charms going right now!

Yes Cafe, we have young children.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

The planets have to be aligned for her to drink too.......along with the correct barometric pressure and humidity percentage

I read somewhere that INFJ's have a narrow comfort range in terms of things like room temperature. I don't know why we are sensitive like that.

With apologies to Bette Davis: Why look at the stars when we have a sandwich in hand?

How can a sandwich compare with this?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

INFJ/ISTP compromise.

 

[cafe]

Yes Cafe, we have young children.

When my kids were little it was pretty hard on the ole' sex drive. It's taxing on an Ni dominant's brain to focus on the concrete stuff little ones need -- constantly. The husband starts to feel like one more person needing something from you, touching you, pulling on you . . .

Things got a lot easier once the kids were more self-sufficient. It's still hard because of scheduling -- he goes to bed before the kids do and goes to work by 5 AM most of the time, but at least when there is opportunity and we're both awake I feel like sex is a treat again instead of yet another obligation.

So it'll probably get better eventually, if she had something like a normal sex drive before kids.

 

[Chuckums]

INFJ/ISTP compromise.

 

[Chuckums]

Thanks for the info Cafe

 

[Intricate Mystic]

INFJ/ISTP compromise.

 

[McRumi]

How can a sandwich compare with this?

Is that serious question?

Wait.

All INFJ questions are serious.

sigh.

ISTP-INFJ

Like ships in the night...or perhaps....like chips in the night....

 

[Intricate Mystic]

Is that serious question?

Wait.

All INFJ questions are serious.

sigh.

It wasn't a completely serious question....just wanted to see what response you would give. INFJ's aren't always serious, you know.

ISTP-INFJ

Like ships in the night...or perhaps....like chips in the night....

LOL

 

[cafe]

Is that serious question?

Wait.

All INFJ questions are serious.

sigh.

ISTP-INFJ

Like ships in the night...or perhaps....like chips in the night....

Wait . . . I'm confused . . . After school, I often ask my sons if they rode a rhinoceros through the school cafeteria or danced on the teacher's desk in a tutu. They always tell me yes and give me exciting details about their day. If they were serious questions and they gave me serious answers, they shouldn't be getting report cards that say 'pleasure to have in class' or citizenship awards unless school has changed a lot since I was there . . .

Maybe I should have asked more (serious) questions at parent/teacher conferences.

 

[burymecloser]

Sorry to digress back to the original question...

I'd hope that's true... cause that's happened TONS of times. During that month of awkward tension when we barely talked, that seemed to be the case. I would show up and he would acknowledge my presence but then doesn't talk to me for the rest of the night or even sometimes take actions that could be taken as "avoidance" (like not being in the same room). That's the "cold" times of the hot and cold. Right now things are more on the "cold" side, and like I said earlier, he acknowledges my presence but doesn't really talk much. Our eyes meet frequently though..followed by quick turn of heads :-(

I hope our ISTP friends will correct me if this is bad advice, but...

It really doesn't seem like you want to move on. It sounds like this is the guy you're interested in, and you're unlikely to get over him any time soon. In fact, for the foreseeable future, it sounds like every day that goes by without him as something more than a friend, there's something missing from your life. Is that basically right?

If it is, I think you need to at least know you've done whatever you can to further the relationship. Several ISTPs have mentioned that they were involved in what most people would consider relationships -- in some cases even leading to co-habitation or engagement -- without actually applying the word relationship or using words like girlfriend. Maybe there's a chance you can resume the physical relationship, call each other friends, and in the meantime, get to know each other better and deepen the friendship.

There's a chance that he's just in it for the sex, and you'll get hurt later. But it sounds like you're hurting right now anyway. There also might be a chance that he has deeper feelings but isn't ready to commit to anything right now, or just doesn't want to apply terms like relationship to it. There's a chance that as you get to know each other better outside of bed, it will become clear to him that he wants you to be part of his life.

If I'm reading your feelings correctly, I don't see what you have to lose by going for it, as long as you're willing to be patient with him, and recognize that even if it works out (which it definitely might not), he may not want to be labeled your boyfriend or do traditional couple-y things for a while.

 

[countrygirl]

When my kids were little it was pretty hard on the ole' sex drive. It's taxing on an Ni dominant's brain to focus on the concrete stuff little ones need -- constantly. The husband starts to feel like one more person needing something from you, touching you, pulling on you . . .

Things got a lot easier once the kids were more self-sufficient. It's still hard because of scheduling -- he goes to bed before the kids do and goes to work by 5 AM most of the time, but at least when there is opportunity and we're both awake I feel like sex is a treat again instead of yet another obligation.

So it'll probably get better eventually, if she had something like a normal sex drive before kids.

This is so true except I can't confirm the Ni stuff. I lost my drive druing nursing as well but it came back once I weaned.

 

[cafe]

This is so true except I can't confirm the Ni stuff. I lost my drive druing nursing as well but it came back once I weaned.

I even lost my hormones during nursing. They said my estrogen was as low if I was going through menopause. I don't have a high tolerance for touch to begin with, so having to have someone hooked to my boob for a half hour every few hours gave me overload, but of course, your body gets all that oxytocin from your milk letting down so you don't toss the baby out the window and the poor hubby gets left in the cold!

Even after mine were weaned, I was just so exhausted all the time. I really have to have time alone to disconnect by reading, etc in order to not feel like a rubber band that's been pulled too tight. That's so hard to do when someone needs some juice and someone needs a diaper change and someone just pulled someone's hair and someone is writing on the wall with a crayon and someone just woke up at 2 AM because they had a nightmare, etc.

 

[Jae Rae]

You're all very right in that I need to figure out what I want for myself too. And honestly, I do not know enough about him to make judgments as to whether he will be somebody that I want to commit to. Only the gut feeling that he is such an INTERESTING person, and I want to get to know him more. Sure, commitment comes easy to me, and I was the one who wanted that initially, but now that I think about it more maybe I was desperate to solidify a relationship status because I had given myself up physically so quickly and felt insecure.

The last time we hooked up, he asked me how confident I am in us succeeding in the "not hooking up again" deal. I said 70%. His answer was that he was pretty confident. But I got a sense that he wanted more, because even after we got out of the bed he kept saying how much he's going to miss it, kept wanting to hold me in his arms, kept being attentive to me, etc. But I know he will never admit to that feeling, at least not in the short run.

His ex situation is interesting because that was the story that he told people. But I also heard from a friend of a friend of the ex-girlfriend that she just used an excuse to seem like they HAD to break up, when in actuality she just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Don't know whose story is true, but as long as M believes in his version, he is not going to let that go and I can't do anything about it.

All in all, I think I am better off just being friends with him. In fact, I want to maintain that flirty but friendly atmosphere as much as I can, so I can have a better chance of showing him what I have to offer. Hopefully he will catch on to that and start liking me beyond the good physical chemistry. I'll keep you guys posted.

OK, I read most of the thread. After reading this post, I'd saying he's not only f***ing with your body, but with your mind, too. Maybe he was hurt so badly by the person before you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but he both wants to have you and wants to be able to back out whenever. In other words, no commitment. But he knows if he gives you some sweet words before or after sex, he'll still get it. He's running the whole show, do you see that?

He's young and he's been hurt. I don't know if his type has so much to with it as his maturity level. He gets sex when he says how much he'll miss you, which is one of the oldest male tricks around.

Yeah, he might wake up one day and say "you're the one." But life rarely works like that. I'd give that more of a chance if you went away and he realized you were the one. Then he could call you back and woo you properly instead of what he's doing now.

As for FWB, in this case it seems like a bad idea. You keep getting hurt because you want more from him. If you could just be a FWB, you wouldn't be writing about it here.

Good luck.