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  1. #21
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    i dunno what to say. my istp said he was okay with me using the GF label, but he still doesn't really seem comfortable with the term due to past-ex issues (and i wonder sometimes if he is over her). he essentially said the same thing as yours (initially), "i don't know what i want right now. i feel uncomfortable with you being my girlfriend since i just got out of a relationship." that wasn't cool with me, but hey, he is istp...thus a slow mover... REAL slow as others on TypeC have pointed out.

    we put a time limit on it (fish or cut bait) because eventually i figured out that i liked him so much that i wanted a relationship.

    yeah, i think it would be good for you to determine what YOU want it to be. so at least, well, you feel like you have some control of the situation and aren't just leaving it up for him to decide. i could be wrong, but it seems like you are not too happy with the FWB sitch since you like him so.

  2. #22
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lasdf23 View Post
    I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?
    I'm too lazy to go back and read everyone's post, but as usual, I'm sure I'd agree with most of what my fellow ISTPs say. But as for the OP's question, I'm notorious for this. Except that it's not "completely unemotional"... I just don't want a commitment.

    I have a tendency to get involved with someone, develop a friends with benefits type of thing, make sure they are FULLY aware I don't want a relationship and....it ends up being a relationship anyways. Except I refuse to admit they're my boyfriend and still won't -officially- commit. I'm not sure why. Or... I am... I just don't feel like going into an analysis right this moment. But long story short, my life is busy and hectic enough, and not admitting to being in a relationship is an easier escape -if- I need one for whatever reason. It's all in my head, because I always end up calling the thing off like I would a normal relationship anyways. Just to give you an idea, it took a year of talking to my last boyfriend every day + moving in with him for me to finally admit he was my boyfriend. Although it didn't but a few months more after that. :rolli:

    If it's completely casual, he probably doesn't go out of his way to make plans with you. If he's developing any kind of feelings, he'd probably either try to make plans with you often or drop anything he's doing if you try to make plans with him.
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  3. #23
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    relationships suck!

    Why can't people just be fun! or share the moment...without having to label it as being anything other than whatever's going on for right now?

    Relationships seem to be some silly excuse to tag, title, brand someone else's stuff. I'll keep my stuff! Thank you.

    I might share my stuff, but joo no can have it!

  4. #24
    ..... Intricate Mystic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lasdf23 View Post


    I lost a great friendship with T, and I had a hard time accepting that someone who used to be such a constant presence in my everyday life could all the sudden cut me out like that. On top of that, I found out that M had been involved in a relationship that ended quite tragically (neither of them wanted to break up but they were forced to), and he still did not seem to get over her after half a year. Though my gut feelings were otherwise, people kept telling me that M was just using me for sex, that I was his rebound, and that messed with me so much that I no longer knew who to trust. I still hung around the house a lot, but I was no longer my usual happy self with T ignoring me and feeling vulnerable and defensive against M. Maybe M took a notice of this, and at times he would go hot and cold on me (as I went hot and cold on him unintentially), though sometimes we would still hook up during the "hot" times.
    ^This part doesn't sound so good. When someone in a relationship is forced (by others?) to end it against their will, they can end up longing for that person for years. M could end up marrying someone else, having children, etc. but never truly be over this other woman, and then end up looking for her and reconnecting years down the road, when the forces that originally broke up their relationship are no longer in play. I think if you want someone that you can fully connect with, mind, body, and soul, you might need to look elsewhere.

  5. #25
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    You're all very right in that I need to figure out what I want for myself too. And honestly, I do not know enough about him to make judgments as to whether he will be somebody that I want to commit to. Only the gut feeling that he is such an INTERESTING person, and I want to get to know him more. Sure, commitment comes easy to me, and I was the one who wanted that initially, but now that I think about it more maybe I was desperate to solidify a relationship status because I had given myself up physically so quickly and felt insecure.

    The last time we hooked up, he asked me how confident I am in us succeeding in the "not hooking up again" deal. I said 70%. His answer was that he was pretty confident. But I got a sense that he wanted more, because even after we got out of the bed he kept saying how much he's going to miss it, kept wanting to hold me in his arms, kept being attentive to me, etc. But I know he will never admit to that feeling, at least not in the short run.

    His ex situation is interesting because that was the story that he told people. But I also heard from a friend of a friend of the ex-girlfriend that she just used an excuse to seem like they HAD to break up, when in actuality she just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Don't know whose story is true, but as long as M believes in his version, he is not going to let that go and I can't do anything about it.

    All in all, I think I am better off just being friends with him. In fact, I want to maintain that flirty but friendly atmosphere as much as I can, so I can have a better chance of showing him what I have to offer. Hopefully he will catch on to that and start liking me beyond the good physical chemistry. I'll keep you guys posted.

  6. #26
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sLiPpY View Post
    relationships suck!
    pretty much. i'm not asking for a lot though. i would enjoy a relationship founded on acceptance (both ways). more or less at least. i'd like to meet someone who gets to know me, and yet still sticks around.. i mean, like, really know me (if i even got to that point at all). what i'm not about to do is play up my good side, or cater to someone's need for a perfect partner or soulmate, or whatever. too much work.. relationships suck because it's easy to get carried away with what's ideal, and not truly accepting someone as they are.

  7. #27
    Widdles in your cream.
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    My ISTP likes to call me her wife, sometimes.
    Um, yeah.

  8. #28
    Senior Member countrygirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grungemouse View Post
    My ISTP likes to call me her wife, sometimes.
    You got a keeper!

  9. #29
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    All in all, I think I am better off just being friends with him. In fact, I want to maintain that flirty but friendly atmosphere as much as I can, so I can have a better chance of showing him what I have to offer. Hopefully he will catch on to that and start liking me beyond the good physical chemistry. I'll keep you guys posted.
    hey lasdf23,

    I was in a similar situation myself; those istps are pretty interesting. I caution you to be very careful as it seems it is hard for you two to stop having fun and getting physical . I know I did. My advice is to lessen how much you spend time with him and pay attention to something else for a while. If he wants you, he will come looking for you, when he is ready, may be weeks or months. If you keep becoming involved with him, he might never realize he wants to be with you. Feelings are hard to push away and stuff down. You might feel hurt if you keep hanging around him and he still won't bugle from his position or he gets involved with someone else however casually or, etc, etc, maybe he looks at you coldly one night. Now that feelings are involved, it will be messy. I suppose it is down to personal preference, but I am an all or nothing kind of person in the long-run so I chose the 'nothing' and I think that's healthier than lingering between waiting for his response. I just hate waiting around for people, but of course, I have my own intimacy issues as much as my istp had his. I completely shut him out and I feel better, because I can move on, because I have decided that he hurt me enough that we cant go back to where it was before. I am still extremely attracted to him though; istps have this raw sexuality thing going on. Anyway, I just wanted to share what I know; I hope this is helpful. The messiness of these things disturbs me profoundly. Please be careful.

  10. #30
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lasdf23 View Post
    I want to know how easy it is for ISTPs to maintain a completely unemotional friends with benefits relationship. Also, what are the signs that he may be developing some feelings for me, and the signs that it's a completely casual thing?
    It is a completely casual thing. What part of that have you failed to understand? ISTPs are good at compartmentalizing. Right now, you're just a fun lay he's not going to turn down in a hurry. You shouldn't count on that changing, given the way the relationship started and has developed. If you find that difficult to deal with, you need to think about ending it now. If not, just enjoy it for what it is. The whole "we musn't do this again" thing he probably just views as a challenge/way out when he gets bored.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

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