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  1. #1
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Default when ESTPs feel hurt...

    okay, so I work with an older ESTP man and am as close to friends as an ENFP will be able to get to an ESTP given the massive diffs.

    I noticed trends due to out tert Fe/Te differences.

    1. He never says mean things to people he cares for.
    I actually will playfully insult locker room style those I care for. If I insult you and pick on you, I really like you.

    2. When under stress he becomes calm
    When I am under stress I become agitated.

    3. When angry, frustrated or irritated he will withdraw
    When I am angry, frustrated or irritated I will be very direct and even confrontational.

    4. So my observation: When I am hurt I will withdraw.

    Does he mistake this for his angry, frustrated withdraw in point 3? Thus he thinks I am mad when I am really hurt?

    Also what would the ESTP response to being hurt be? Would you be direct about your hurt feelings?

    thanks!

  2. #2
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    The ESTPs I know playfully insult people they like all the time, occasionally going too far, but all in good fun!

    My ESTP best friend does show it when she's really hurt. Overtime, she'll talk, so long as she doesn't feel pressured to, but it takes her awhile to identify the feeling. She doesn't usually try to read into my emotions, unless she picks them up through my body language. She's usually spot on with her assessment, but that's it. No reading into the "whys" of how I feel, which is cool, I just tell her. Another ESTP I've been close to was the same way. All it took was a little explanation. Pretty no-nonsense, no big deal-I like! My observation of my ESTPs is that they quickly look for something to do inorder to discharge the negative emotion(go out to the club, play a sport, run, drive,etc..). They may be direct if you ask and the hurt is actually a big deal to them, but other than that, neither are all that interested in marinating in the emotion or making that big of an issue out of it.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  3. #3
    Senior Member une_autre's Avatar
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    When I am angry, frustrated, irritated you can bet everybody will know about it. Maybe my outward manifestation will be milder towards people that are not close, nonetheless I get pretty confrontational.

    When hurt, I will let people know about it. I won't spill my entire soul in front of them, but most certainly I will not withdraw. It is not in my character to stay alone and pity myself. I don't like feeling like this and I will do something to distract myself from it and to get over it, including talking to others about it. I am not the kind of person to keep this for myself. I don't know how it's with other ESTPs, as I haven't pinpointed too many in my life, but hurt and anger pretty much come in a package. It's really hard not to get angry on the person that hurt me and I am still working on my anger management . I am quite temperamental, so they say.


    As to when other people are hurt, I can tell that. What I decide to do is a different story and depends on my relationship with that person and on the circumstances, so sometimes it might come across as simply not realizing how they are feeling.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happy Puppy View Post
    okay, so I work with an older ESTP man and am as close to friends as an ENFP will be able to get to an ESTP given the massive diffs.

    I noticed trends due to out tert Fe/Te differences.

    1. He never says mean things to people he cares for.
    I actually will playfully insult locker room style those I care for. If I insult you and pick on you, I really like you.

    2. When under stress he becomes calm
    When I am under stress I become agitated.

    3. When angry, frustrated or irritated he will withdraw
    When I am angry, frustrated or irritated I will be very direct and even confrontational.

    4. So my observation: When I am hurt I will withdraw.

    Does he mistake this for his angry, frustrated withdraw in point 3? Thus he thinks I am mad when I am really hurt?

    Also what would the ESTP response to being hurt be? Would you be direct about your hurt feelings?

    thanks!
    I think STPs are like salamander when it comes to things so it really depends on what you have presented him with and how much. We adjust accordingly. With me its all about tone and context. I had a friend listen to me and my son go back and forth and she was like, wow you guys are fighting like you are equals. Its pretty fun, but I have to back down as I am still in the process of teaching him how far to push and what areas to avoid. So test STPs and give us time to adjust to your style.

    In regards to hurt, let us go and we will be fine. I dont like to complain or let things get everone else all moody. Change the topic, redirect somewhere else and I forget really quick and its over. Anger is a different topic and I tend to snap as a means to end it fast, just give up and say "I dont care do what you want", or become a smart ass. I try to be pretty obvious in my tone. My ESTP cousin can easily tell when I turn from joke into irritated and knows to back off.

    Test us and see how we start to respond. We are like salamanders, some may take a little longer then others. Fe is about others emotions and we need to get a feel for how we can respond and play off of how you respond towards us. We read tone pretty good.

    The ESTP I know responds pretty similiar to me in regards to hurt, anger, etc. He is just more socially outgoing.
    Im out, its been fun

  5. #5
    PEST that STEPs on PETS stellar renegade's Avatar
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    I rarely get that upset so it's hard for me to say, and I think it depends on context like poki said.

    But I think the most consistent pattern is that I'll withdraw from others unless they're the one making me upset, and then I'll give them whatfore if I think that's the only way they'll get it or calmly explain my point of view if there's a chance they will. I can be pretty confrontational, but it's always under my control. If I consider them too much of a threat to confront, though, I may back down and either let them know some other way or use their complaint against me (if they have one) against them later as soon as they fall short of their own standard.

    I'm quite vicious that way.

    I think I'm with une_autre, though, that if I get hurt I'm usually angry, too. If someone unintentionally hurts me I can bear up under it pretty well and just shake it off. If their offense was intentional or through some kind of bad neglect then I feel justified in being angry as well as hurt. Otherwise I'm cool.

    But that's a rarity, like I said. I pride myself on being flexible enough to almost never get upset. Others interpret it as being "nice" which I hate, because I'm not being particular sacrificial, I just like to be as flexible as possible. I view it as just being smart.

    Of course, I also like the occasional dispute just for the hell of it. My mom always used to say I liked to argue, and I'd reply with, "We aren't arguing, we're just having a discussion!" Evidently other people have a way lower argument threshold than I do.

    Sometimes I'm with Billy Idol. I kinda want to disagree just so I can bring out the guns.

    "I love it when someone insults me. That means that I don't have to be nice anymore."
    -stellar renegade
    coo-oo-ooool this madness down,
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  6. #6
    Senior Member une_autre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stellar renegade View Post
    Of course, I also like the occasional dispute just for the hell of it. My mom always used to say I liked to argue, and I'd reply with, "We aren't arguing, we're just having a discussion!" Evidently other people have a way lower argument threshold than I do.

    Sometimes I'm with Billy Idol. I kinda want to disagree just so I can bring out the guns.
    Life would be just plain boring without this.

  7. #7
    PEST that STEPs on PETS stellar renegade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by une_autre View Post
    Life would be just plain boring without this.
    YUP YUP!

    I HAVE to verbally sparr with others or I literally feel dead inside. I hate it when people are way too fucking nice for that exact fucking reason. Plus I feel pandered to, as if I NEED them to be nice.

    I wish more people who argued with me got this, it'd go much easier for them. I guess they tend to project their own emotions onto me and think I'm really all that upset, when I'm just arguing for the thrill of it.

    Of course my ENTJ dad raised me to be somewhat of a softie (and you know how much control ENTJs can have) so I have some of that influence on me but I told him a long time ago that I was pissed that he tried to raise me that way.

    Cuz something inside me wants to just violently claw its way out.

    God, that just sounds like the movie Aliens or Men In Black. *shudder*
    -stellar renegade
    coo-oo-ooool this madness down,
    stop it right on tiiiiime!


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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by stellar renegade View Post
    I can be pretty confrontational, but it's always under my control. If I consider them too much of a threat to confront, though, I may back down and either let them know some other way or use their complaint against me (if they have one) against them later as soon as they fall short of their own standard.
    Exactly how my ESTP works with confrontation.
    I-71%, N-80%, F-74%, P-96%

  9. #9
    Senior Member une_autre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiley45 View Post
    Exactly how my ESTP works with confrontation.
    Smart, but utterly frustrating.

  10. #10
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    ^ Yes to both.
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