To the OP: Toast, I love ya, but it's time to let it go, and play on your own team. Go find a nice INTP guy (there's a hell of a lot more of them, then there are women), and settle down; ISTP will just continue to mess you up. I know you love each other, but you will never be at peace.
So, I'm in a conflicting relationship... (I'm ENFJ female & he's ISTP male).
Things go up & down, in a kind of roller coaster, but they have gotten much better (happier, peaceful, satisfying, secure) as the relationship has progressed.
Of course, I am the vocal one. I am the one with "issues" about how we bump heads. He, being pretty carefree & apart from his emotions, seems to just sail through the relationship, like he would be perfectly fine with keeping our troubles under the surface & very capable of never giving them a second thought. (I used to think this made him shallow, selfish or not engaged / in love with me... I am very happy to say I know better now.)
Trouble is, I am the opposite. I can't "sit on" anything for very long. I need to talk or the conflict becomes consuming & I have a very serious fight or flight thing. Our conflicts don't really have immediate resolutions. The ones we have worked out only got that way after a long time of trying different things & becoming more confident with each other. In his eyes, 'why talk about it if we can't fix it?'... makes perfect sense. But then again, to me I don't think we'd ever resolve anything if we hadn't talked about it even though its been difficult for both of us to do just that (It is very hard for talk as well because I never want a conflict to become worse, and that's always a risk).
I think we are both right, but to extremes. If we could just "go with the flow", things would smooth out... If we could be open to the point of understanding each other, things would work well too. That isn't going to happen in either direction. If we try either one, one of us is bound to be miserable. If we moderate & compromise, then things get done.
And while I understand that I can feel like bringing up issues way too much, and I am really, really working on that, I still need a better method of talking with him when it does happen. We've been doing rather well & things have been really good lately. I just thought I'd ask for some advice from ISTPs and those who've been close to them. Seems like a good idea to think about this when I'm happy and levelheaded.
Anyone been in a relationship with an ENFJ or an ISTP who has any advice on this (or similar experience)? poki, aren't you with an ENFJ? Did she feel accusative and judgmental when she confronted you about problems? I know that he feels like I am attacking him when I try to talk to him. It is almost inevitable, because it is easy for him to see "our" issues as "my" issues if he is completely able to disregard them. And since we can't immediately resolve anything, it seems like I'm just talking to make him feel bad.
Basically all I'm trying to get out of "talking" is some confirmation that he is aware of what I'm feeling and reassurance from him that he still feels like everything will work out. (Because he can put troubles on the back burner with ease, whereas I am constantly struggling with them. I just want to know he hasn't forgotten that so I can have faith that we'll work it out.) There has to be some way to make it possible for him to hear & understand me without making him feel a.) hopeless because he can't 'fix" everything right away, and b.) offended & defensive because I am confronting him with something I know can't be fixed right away.
Thanks for any response.